I will pray that His Love and mercy are revealed to You. He will not be mocked, and He loves you very much. I recommend you ask for true faith, that He come and dwell within, realizing you need Him, giving your life to Him. I think it important to realize our ways are not His and leaning on your own understanding, on any man's understanding of Him is futile. Take it up with Him, He is the ONLY way, the truth and the life.