Fiance upset because I said hi to a coworker and called her Miss

[ResidentAlien]

OK my fiance and I have been having some good times and some rough times. Right now we are in a rough patch. We have been in a relationship for two years.

I will do full disclosure because I want some good advice.

In the past, I have been reluctant to:
-Remove female friends from Facebook
-Remove old phone numbers from phone
-Stop talking to two female friends

Now I didn't communicate with the women on Facebook, and I didn't call any of the numbers in my phone. But I understand that I should have taken care of these things sooner. Because of this, there have been some trust issues. She thinks I sometimes want to reach out to women in my past.

The other day I was on the phone with my fiance while getting in the elevator at the garage. I saw one of my co-workers and said, "Oh, there's Miss Kirra." Then I got in the elevator with her and said hi to her. At first my fiance said I sounded a little too excited to see her and that I was probably checking her out. I told her that no, that's how I sound when I say hi to everybody at work. We didn't really talk that day. Later on when I brought it up, she said she didn't like the fact that I called her "Miss Kirra". She said that was a term on endearment between us and I ruined it by calling another woman Miss. She is now saying that she didn't have an issue with me saying hi, she only had an issue with me saying "Miss Kirra" before saying hi. One issue may be that we are on the phone every morning when I walk in to work and maybe I should let her go before I go in as that isn't professional anyway (I work in IT).

What are your thoughts about using the word Miss? Is it OK to use it with another woman at work? Is it OK to say it in front of your fiance? Is it considered flirting? Does it depend on if you have made some mistakes in your relationship? I was under the impression that it was being polite, but if it is considered flirty I will never do it again.

Well, a couple of things. If it actually is a term of endearment between you and your fiance, you probably shouldn't have said it. Women can be very sensitive to things like that and you need to keep that in mind. On the other hand, if you don't have trust you've got nothing. Be careful about getting hitched to someone who is incapable of truly trusting you.

 

[Ruby123]

Make it a long engagement till your fiance has partially worked through her jealousy/insecurity etc etc otherwise if it is annoying you now it might cause you to split in the future. If she refuses to talk about her past, it sounds like she is unwilling to change but wants you to adapt. If you feel like you cant be yourself then its probably best to not get married to her anytime soon till she does some changing and facing of her past. These are just the facts that you will have to take into consideration.

 

[selahsays]

Personally, I do not believe calling someone "Miss" is being flirtatious. Although the word originally was a shortened form of "mistress", it is now commonly used as a term of honor or respect.

It seems to me that the real issue is one of underlying mistrust.

Did you get over your exhaustion and your fainting spells?

 

[JohnDB]

OK my fiance and I have been having some good times and some rough times. Right now we are in a rough patch. We have been in a relationship for two years.

I will do full disclosure because I want some good advice.

In the past, I have been reluctant to:
-Remove female friends from Facebook
-Remove old phone numbers from phone
-Stop talking to two female friends

Now I didn't communicate with the women on Facebook, and I didn't call any of the numbers in my phone. But I understand that I should have taken care of these things sooner. Because of this, there have been some trust issues. She thinks I sometimes want to reach out to women in my past.

The other day I was on the phone with my fiance while getting in the elevator at the garage. I saw one of my co-workers and said, "Oh, there's Miss Kirra." Then I got in the elevator with her and said hi to her. At first my fiance said I sounded a little too excited to see her and that I was probably checking her out. I told her that no, that's how I sound when I say hi to everybody at work. We didn't really talk that day. Later on when I brought it up, she said she didn't like the fact that I called her "Miss Kirra". She said that was a term on endearment between us and I ruined it by calling another woman Miss. She is now saying that she didn't have an issue with me saying hi, she only had an issue with me saying "Miss Kirra" before saying hi. One issue may be that we are on the phone every morning when I walk in to work and maybe I should let her go before I go in as that isn't professional anyway (I work in IT).

What are your thoughts about using the word Miss? Is it OK to use it with another woman at work? Is it OK to say it in front of your fiance? Is it considered flirting? Does it depend on if you have made some mistakes in your relationship? I was under the impression that it was being polite, but if it is considered flirty I will never do it again.

What miss theRoseLamb said....

And I will add this:
If your fiance actually cared about your feelings she would not be falsely accusing you regularly.

You work in IT....you aren't exactly a "Chad" or "Tyrone" who hits the gym in the morning and the clubs at night.

She is using these arguments to manipulate you. No other reason. And I will highly suspect that her past is not so squeaky clean.

Look, you are wanting to get married. I'm not exactly enthralled with the idea of you two getting married because of the differences in morals, Values and goals. (Leading cause of all divorces)

Successful marriages usually have a good sized community involvement in some capacity. Where the two of you together work together to improve the community you live in. This means family friends. Usually this is accomplished in church groups of some sort. Not accomplished by just warming a pew on Sundays.

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

Did you get over your exhaustion and your fainting spells? View attachment 254930

Did you get over wrongly thinking evil of me?

Apparently not.

Your time would be better spent before the Lord than taking potshots at a born again Christian.

 

[JohnDB]

Good men are in short supply.
By good men I mean the honest guys who will commit to a woman, have an education or skill in a solid career field, and aren't looking to breed the entire world.

Good women are also in short supply.
Good women who have a low body count, haven't been the town bicycle, and are supportive and not manipulative of men.
Women who aren't gossips about their "friends " or extremely competitive with their friends.

 

[Karlon]

OK my fiance and I have been having some good times and some rough times. Right now we are in a rough patch. We have been in a relationship for two years.

I will do full disclosure because I want some good advice.

In the past, I have been reluctant to:
-Remove female friends from Facebook
-Remove old phone numbers from phone
-Stop talking to two female friends

Now I didn't communicate with the women on Facebook, and I didn't call any of the numbers in my phone. But I understand that I should have taken care of these things sooner. Because of this, there have been some trust issues. She thinks I sometimes want to reach out to women in my past.

The other day I was on the phone with my fiance while getting in the elevator at the garage. I saw one of my co-workers and said, "Oh, there's Miss Kirra." Then I got in the elevator with her and said hi to her. At first my fiance said I sounded a little too excited to see her and that I was probably checking her out. I told her that no, that's how I sound when I say hi to everybody at work. We didn't really talk that day. Later on when I brought it up, she said she didn't like the fact that I called her "Miss Kirra". She said that was a term on endearment between us and I ruined it by calling another woman Miss. She is now saying that she didn't have an issue with me saying hi, she only had an issue with me saying "Miss Kirra" before saying hi. One issue may be that we are on the phone every morning when I walk in to work and maybe I should let her go before I go in as that isn't professional anyway (I work in IT).

What are your thoughts about using the word Miss? Is it OK to use it with another woman at work? Is it OK to say it in front of your fiance? Is it considered flirting? Does it depend on if you have made some mistakes in your relationship? I was under the impression that it was being polite, but if it is considered flirty I will never do it again.

alright, we have the classic "woman control issue"! girls, if you want to control your man, read Proverbs chapter 31: 10-31. it is clear that she doesn't trust you. no excuses. when i was dating & the cel phone era arrived, i told my girlfriends, "you can check my phone & my computer anytime you want". i was & am totally trustworthy. none of the girls ever did check anything. they knew by my words, actions & their intuition & wisdom i could be trusted. if i had a g.f. & she started in with the distrust issue i would note it as a "block" in a relationship. i would talk to her 2 maybe 3 times about it to set her strait & if she persisted, i'm walking!!! my wife turns the t.v. volume off every time a call comes in. no, i don't like it. why? very simple: there's a level of distrust! all the reasons are obvious concerning women's jealousy. never in my life have i made a move to listen to a woman's conversation. any sign of control, get out now. most likely it's going to stay there. think of the intensity of control by a woman. it infiltrates every aspect of a relationship & that is a relationship that shouldn't be one. for example if i was a hair stylist & had 100 women customers & i'm out with my wife & see 13 of them., i'm going to say "hi" to every one!! Miss is totally appropriate. when dining with my wife & we have a waitress, i talk to her to make her feel comfortable & happy. get her smiling. it will cause her to enjoy her job more. make her feel at home, that's all.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Not even trying to win, just trying to survive. And that seems iffy.

Red flag. If you're in a relationship and ever feel like you're just trying to survive, that's not a good sign.

If your fiance is the jealous type now, it'll get worse after marriage. And since neither of you discussed, ahead of time, views on friendship with other genders, and now seem to have differing views, count it as more trouble in the future.

That you're each disagreeing on whether or not you use a certain word as a word of affection, up to the point its causing or feeding into problems, also another bad sign.

Personally I've never heard the term miss used as a flirt, but I, too, am from the south and am familiar with more Actual flirty terms used in non flirty ways. I've been called things such as honey, sweetie, darlin' and more by waitresses and other social postions in businesses here in the south. People don't even think twice as it's a part of the culture and not intended as flirty here.

Seems you two have some things that need worked out Before you marry. Otherwise, not only will these not go away, they'll get worse.
Ultimately what any of us think of the term miss, it's irrelevant. What matters is what your fiance thinks and how you handle, together, the problems that exist.

 

[Godsgirl1983]

Well she doesn't want to discuss anything from her past,

 

[Mem]

Agreeing with the general consensus that this is an overreaction, and if she can't own up to this as being a bit nutty then, although she claims that it is not the issue now, the next issue that you will have to resolve will be saying "hi."

 

[Godsgirl1983]

my wife turns the t.v. volume off every time a call comes in. no, i don't like it. why? very simple: there's a level of distrust!

not to go off op topic here, but are you saying that your wife distrusts you?
when my husband gets or makes a call then I am turning things down/off. not because I distrust him, but because I respect him and want to be sure he is able to hear the caller properly.

 

[Godsgirl1983]

Did you get over your exhaustion and your fainting spells? View attachment 254930

I just read and reread through this entire thread.....
Where does he say this?

 

[MichaelZ]

Not sure about the use of “miss”. I think a lot would depend on the context. But I will say this: If you want a happy marriage you should plan on not meeting up with, or phoning, or messaging other women, unless they are old enough to be your grandma. Once your wife realizes that you have this type of commitment to her, trust will follow. It is ok to have Facebook friends of the opposite sex, but messaging or otherwise meeting up with them in private is not ok. Any friendships you have with other women after you are married need to be in an “open door” public-like setting. There is a lot of infidelity in society today, and your fiance, like many women coming from homes with fathers that were not trustworthy, may have experienced this.

And I know what I am talking about here, being married 33 years now.

 

[Mem]

@Dincali was getting on an elevator at work that said Miss So and So happened to also be aboard. It could be that the personal/business mixture in relationship is a trigger in regard to his fiancé's past?

 

[jennymae]

Really depends on where you live. In the South I would expect to be addressed “Miss”, leastways whenever I was younger. Now I’m rapidly entering the world of “Ma’am” lol.

 

[Lynx]

I need, like, 70 or 80 agreement reactions. Why do we only get one reaction per post?

DEFINITE red flag.

 

[JohnDB]

That's a HUGE red flag.

I'm thinking that she was the town bicycle myself with a body count in the double digits at least if not three digits.

Transparency is a huge huge thing in marriage.

 

[tourist]

OK my fiance and I have been having some good times and some rough times. Right now we are in a rough patch. We have been in a relationship for two years.

I will do full disclosure because I want some good advice.

In the past, I have been reluctant to:
-Remove female friends from Facebook
-Remove old phone numbers from phone
-Stop talking to two female friends

Now I didn't communicate with the women on Facebook, and I didn't call any of the numbers in my phone. But I understand that I should have taken care of these things sooner. Because of this, there have been some trust issues. She thinks I sometimes want to reach out to women in my past.

.

Two years is a long time to be engaged. Based on your full disclosure I understand the grounds for your fiancée having trust issues. Since you don't communicatee with the women on Facebook or call them there is no reason for you not to delete them. I also believe that to maintain the friendship with the two women might become problematic in resolving these trust issues. Why the two years wait and still counting in the engagement? Are you not prepared to get married, and if not, why the engagement in the first place? Untill the trust issues are resolved expect to continue to be on a rough patch.

 

[tourist]

It seems to me that the real issue is one of underlying mistrust.

I concur with your estimation.

 

[tourist]

I will say this, if she thinks that is flirting, y'all better never come to the south. That is a term of respect and it wouldn't be seen otherwise. But here's the deal, your partner is feeling insecure. Is it because you are giving her that feeling, or has she had past issues that give her that feeling? Because either way she will accuse you until you get to the bottom of it and settle it. And that will cause a lot of problem in a marriage if there is no trust. It's a read flag and something you want to nip in the bud now.

Witthout trust there is no basis for a foundation in the relationship.