Fiance upset because I said hi to a coworker and called her Miss

[Dincali]

OK my fiance and I have been having some good times and some rough times. Right now we are in a rough patch. We have been in a relationship for two years.

I will do full disclosure because I want some good advice.

In the past, I have been reluctant to:
-Remove female friends from Facebook
-Remove old phone numbers from phone
-Stop talking to two female friends

Now I didn't communicate with the women on Facebook, and I didn't call any of the numbers in my phone. But I understand that I should have taken care of these things sooner. Because of this, there have been some trust issues. She thinks I sometimes want to reach out to women in my past.

The other day I was on the phone with my fiance while getting in the elevator at the garage. I saw one of my co-workers and said, "Oh, there's Miss Kirra." Then I got in the elevator with her and said hi to her. At first my fiance said I sounded a little too excited to see her and that I was probably checking her out. I told her that no, that's how I sound when I say hi to everybody at work. We didn't really talk that day. Later on when I brought it up, she said she didn't like the fact that I called her "Miss Kirra". She said that was a term on endearment between us and I ruined it by calling another woman Miss. She is now saying that she didn't have an issue with me saying hi, she only had an issue with me saying "Miss Kirra" before saying hi. One issue may be that we are on the phone every morning when I walk in to work and maybe I should let her go before I go in as that isn't professional anyway (I work in IT).

What are your thoughts about using the word Miss? Is it OK to use it with another woman at work? Is it OK to say it in front of your fiance? Is it considered flirting? Does it depend on if you have made some mistakes in your relationship? I was under the impression that it was being polite, but if it is considered flirty I will never do it again.

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

Personally, I do not believe calling someone "Miss" is being flirtatious. Although the word originally was a shortened form of "mistress", it is now commonly used as a term of honor or respect.

It seems to me that the real issue is one of underlying mistrust.

 

[Ted01]

I don't think that it's uncommon for people in dating relationships to be unsure what feelings their partner might have about the opposite sex.
Nor is it uncommon for people to have a degree of low self-confidence.
Nor for people to act one way around their "partner" but act another way around members of the opposite sex. That, rightly, causes confusion.

In the end, people just want to be as sure as they can, that their partner truly has deep, devoted attachment to them... that they are special.

Being yourself and having open conversation really helps.

 

[HealthAndHappiness]

OK my fiance and I have been having some good times and some rough times. Right now we are in a rough patch. We have been in a relationship for two years.

I will do full disclosure because I want some good advice.

In the past, I have been reluctant to:
-Remove female friends from Facebook
-Remove old phone numbers from phone
-Stop talking to two female friends

Now I didn't communicate with the women on Facebook, and I didn't call any of the numbers in my phone. But I understand that I should have taken care of these things sooner. Because of this, there have been some trust issues. She thinks I sometimes want to reach out to women in my past.

The other day I was on the phone with my fiance while getting in the elevator at the garage. I saw one of my co-workers and said, "Oh, there's Miss Kirra." Then I got in the elevator with her and said hi to her. At first my fiance said I sounded a little too excited to see her and that I was probably checking her out. I told her that no, that's how I sound when I say hi to everybody at work. We didn't really talk that day. Later on when I brought it up, she said she didn't like the fact that I called her "Miss Kirra". She said that was a term on endearment between us and I ruined it by calling another woman Miss. She is now saying that she didn't have an issue with me saying hi, she only had an issue with me saying "Miss Kirra" before saying hi. One issue may be that we are on the phone every morning when I walk in to work and maybe I should let her go before I go in as that isn't professional anyway (I work in IT).

What are your thoughts about using the word Miss? Is it OK to use it with another woman at work? Is it OK to say it in front of your fiance? Is it considered flirting? Does it depend on if you have made some mistakes in your relationship? I was under the impression that it was being polite, but if it is considered flirty I will never do it again.

First of all, what kind of church does she go to and is she absolutely sure she's saved?

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

What are your thoughts about using the word Miss? Is it OK to use it with another woman at work? Is it OK to say it in front of your fiance? Is it considered flirting? Does it depend on if you have made some mistakes in your relationship? I was under the impression that it was being polite, but if it is considered flirty I will never do it again.

I will say this, if she thinks that is flirting, y'all better never come to the south. That is a term of respect and it wouldn't be seen otherwise. But here's the deal, your partner is feeling insecure. Is it because you are giving her that feeling, or has she had past issues that give her that feeling? Because either way she will accuse you until you get to the bottom of it and settle it. And that will cause a lot of problem in a marriage if there is no trust. It's a read flag and something you want to nip in the bud now.

 

[Ted01]

I don't think that it's uncommon for people in dating relationships to be unsure what feelings their partner might have about the opposite sex.
Nor is it uncommon for people to have a degree of low self-confidence.
Nor for people to act one way around their "partner" but act another way around members of the opposite sex. That, rightly, causes confusion.

In the end, people just want to be as sure as they can, that their partner truly has deep, devoted attachment to them... that they are special.

Being yourself and having open conversation really helps.

I forgot to add...

 

[RodB651]

OK my fiance and I have been having some good times and some rough times. Right now we are in a rough patch. We have been in a relationship for two years.

I will do full disclosure because I want some good advice.

In the past, I have been reluctant to:
-Remove female friends from Facebook
-Remove old phone numbers from phone
-Stop talking to two female friends

Now I didn't communicate with the women on Facebook, and I didn't call any of the numbers in my phone. But I understand that I should have taken care of these things sooner. Because of this, there have been some trust issues. She thinks I sometimes want to reach out to women in my past.

The other day I was on the phone with my fiance while getting in the elevator at the garage. I saw one of my co-workers and said, "Oh, there's Miss Kirra." Then I got in the elevator with her and said hi to her. At first my fiance said I sounded a little too excited to see her and that I was probably checking her out. I told her that no, that's how I sound when I say hi to everybody at work. We didn't really talk that day. Later on when I brought it up, she said she didn't like the fact that I called her "Miss Kirra". She said that was a term on endearment between us and I ruined it by calling another woman Miss. She is now saying that she didn't have an issue with me saying hi, she only had an issue with me saying "Miss Kirra" before saying hi. One issue may be that we are on the phone every morning when I walk in to work and maybe I should let her go before I go in as that isn't professional anyway (I work in IT).

What are your thoughts about using the word Miss? Is it OK to use it with another woman at work? Is it OK to say it in front of your fiance? Is it considered flirting? Does it depend on if you have made some mistakes in your relationship? I was under the impression that it was being polite, but if it is considered flirty I will never do it again.

Ill offer the following...

1. You are not going to win this.
2. You are not going to win this.
3. You are not going to win this.

 

[seekingthemindofChrist]

Ill offer the following...

1. You are not going to win this.
2. You are not going to win this.
3. You are not going to win this.

4. All of the above.

Seriously, I would pay close attention to what ThereRoseaLamb said because her advice is spot on.

 

[Dincali]

Personally, I do not believe calling someone "Miss" is being flirtatious. Although the word originally was a shortened form of "mistress", it is now commonly used as a term of honor or respect.

It seems to me that the real issue is one of underlying mistrust.

She's offended because she says I've used it with her as a term of endearment. I may have said it before, but it's nothing I've said on a regular basis.

 

[Dincali]

First of all, what kind of church does she go to and is she absolutely sure she's saved?

She goes to a non-denominational church and yes she is saved

 

[Dincali]

Ill offer the following...

1. You are not going to win this.
2. You are not going to win this.
3. You are not going to win this.

Not even trying to win, just trying to survive. And that seems iffy.

 

[HealthAndHappiness]

She goes to a non-denominational church and yes she is saved

Well that's good to establish before anything else since that's the main requirement the Lord gives for marriage. If she is willing to follow you spiritually as you lead, then the rest is much simpler.

A lot of women who went through a bad break up due to unfaithfulness, or had a dad who wasn't around much, will have insecurities and project that on their husband. Nobody is perfect, and jealousy is normal. However if there's a problem like this now to this degree, I'd expect it to get worse during rough times and be a major thorn in the relationship that can drive you apart.
I would seek pastoral council and get to the root of the issue. Then you both need to work on that to see if it's correctable before getting married. She is the one who will need to correct her own insecurities. You will never be able to change her behavior as much as you love her. Even though you can be sensitive to her insecurities, only she with the Lord's help can change that so that a compatible marriage will be possible.
If there have been excessive patterns set for many years, I would not be very hopeful, however it might not be but a bit of temporary anxiety. Communicate with each other often and seek pastoral help is my 2¢.
Then I would make sure if the following.

1. Do not begin a physical relationship. All that will make things worse and could ruin your prospects for marriage.

2. Normally I am not for long engagements.
Once you learn if you are both compatible, then get married....normally.
In this case, give it time and establish your business prepping for the family. Example, I had a girlfriend who was as pretty as any supermodel. The guys at church and wherever she was hit on her when I wasn't around. I felt secure, but she was extremely insecure to a major fault. She was projecting her personal inabilities to trust herself into me. I was not looking for another lady and didn't have a past. Her past made her think that we were the same. She eventually went full blown psycho. That didn't manifest for an entire year. We did not live together. She asked me to marry her, but I kindly asked her to be patient and give it some more time. That's what I am grateful for...time to learn how she handled stress, insecurities and disagreements. It almost cost me my life.
I don't suggest that is what your woman is like at all. I just thought that my personal experience might contain something that could be of benefit to you both. Your situation is likely much less of an issue. Just learn up front before the wedding.

 

[Gideon300]

OK my fiance and I have been having some good times and some rough times. Right now we are in a rough patch. We have been in a relationship for two years.

I will do full disclosure because I want some good advice.

In the past, I have been reluctant to:
-Remove female friends from Facebook
-Remove old phone numbers from phone
-Stop talking to two female friends

Now I didn't communicate with the women on Facebook, and I didn't call any of the numbers in my phone. But I understand that I should have taken care of these things sooner. Because of this, there have been some trust issues. She thinks I sometimes want to reach out to women in my past.

The other day I was on the phone with my fiance while getting in the elevator at the garage. I saw one of my co-workers and said, "Oh, there's Miss Kirra." Then I got in the elevator with her and said hi to her. At first my fiance said I sounded a little too excited to see her and that I was probably checking her out. I told her that no, that's how I sound when I say hi to everybody at work. We didn't really talk that day. Later on when I brought it up, she said she didn't like the fact that I called her "Miss Kirra". She said that was a term on endearment between us and I ruined it by calling another woman Miss. She is now saying that she didn't have an issue with me saying hi, she only had an issue with me saying "Miss Kirra" before saying hi. One issue may be that we are on the phone every morning when I walk in to work and maybe I should let her go before I go in as that isn't professional anyway (I work in IT).

What are your thoughts about using the word Miss? Is it OK to use it with another woman at work? Is it OK to say it in front of your fiance? Is it considered flirting? Does it depend on if you have made some mistakes in your relationship? I was under the impression that it was being polite, but if it is considered flirty I will never do it again.

It seems that your fiancee needs to know about forgiveness. At least she is being open and honest with you. It's better than letting a problem fester.

Pray for wisdom. And she needs to forgive your past behaviour. If you go into marriage with trust issues and unforgiveness, it will be even harder to deal with them. I also suggest that you both watch Mark Gungor's series on marriage. He is one of the few men who really know how women tick. For example, I used to think the bigger (and more expensive) the bunch of flowers, the more brownie points I won. Mark said no, women just don't think like that. I tried it out. I picked a bunch of flowers from our garden. My wife was over the moon! A small thing maybe, but it is often small things that make a difference.

 

[Mem]

So, you've expressed your intention to take her as your "missus," but haven't set a date yet? Have you discussed it? Have you been engaged for two years?! Is she beginning to wonder if she really is any different from any other "miss" in your eyes?

 

[Dincali]

So, you've expressed your intention to take her as your "missus," but haven't set a date yet? Have you discussed it? Have you been engaged for two years?! Is she beginning to wonder if she really is any different from any other "miss" in your eyes?

We've been a couple for two years and engaged since last October.

Our church requires a counseling class and the then a wait period before getting married in the church. We will be taking the class this October.

 

[Dincali]

It seems that your fiancee needs to know about forgiveness. At least she is being open and honest with you. It's better than letting a problem fester.

Pray for wisdom. And she needs to forgive your past behaviour. If you go into marriage with trust issues and unforgiveness, it will be even harder to deal with them. I also suggest that you both watch Mark Gungor's series on marriage. He is one of the few men who really know how women tick. For example, I used to think the bigger (and more expensive) the bunch of flowers, the more brownie points I won. Mark said no, women just don't think like that. I tried it out. I picked a bunch of flowers from our garden. My wife was over the moon! A small thing maybe, but it is often small things that make a difference.

Thanks, I will check him out!

 

[Dincali]

Well that's good to establish before anything else since that's the main requirement the Lord gives for marriage. If she is willing to follow you spiritually as you lead, then the rest is much simpler.

A lot of women who went through a bad break up due to unfaithfulness, or had a dad who wasn't around much, will have insecurities and project that on their husband. Nobody is perfect, and jealousy is normal. However if there's a problem like this now to this degree, I'd expect it to get worse during rough times and be a major thorn in the relationship that can drive you apart.
I would seek pastoral council and get to the root of the issue. Then you both need to work on that to see if it's correctable before getting married. She is the one who will need to correct her own insecurities. You will never be able to change her behavior as much as you love her. Even though you can be sensitive to her insecurities, only she with the Lord's help can change that so that a compatible marriage will be possible.
If there have been excessive patterns set for many years, I would not be very hopeful, however it might not be but a bit of temporary anxiety. Communicate with each other often and seek pastoral help is my 2¢.
Then I would make sure if the following.

1. Do not begin a physical relationship. All that will make things worse and could ruin your prospects for marriage.

2. Normally I am not for long engagements.
Once you learn if you are both compatible, then get married....normally.
In this case, give it time and establish your business prepping for the family. Example, I had a girlfriend who was as pretty as any supermodel. The guys at church and wherever she was hit on her when I wasn't around. I felt secure, but she was extremely insecure to a major fault. She was projecting her personal inabilities to trust herself into me. I was not looking for another lady and didn't have a past. Her past made her think that we were the same. She eventually went full blown psycho. That didn't manifest for an entire year. We did not live together. She asked me to marry her, but I kindly asked her to be patient and give it some more time. That's what I am grateful for...time to learn how she handled stress, insecurities and disagreements. It almost cost me my life.
I don't suggest that is what your woman is like at all. I just thought that my personal experience might contain something that could be of benefit to you both. Your situation is likely much less of an issue. Just learn up front before the wedding.

Well she doesn't want to discuss anything from her past, so we can't look into anything from her past that may be causing issues. I am looking into getting counseling for us.

Unfortunately this engagement will take a bit longer because we have to take a premarital class at the church and then the wait time is 6-9 months before the church will marry us. The next class is in September or October.

 

[Gideon300]

Well she doesn't want to discuss anything from her past, so we can't look into anything from her past that may be causing issues. I am looking into getting counseling for us.

Unfortunately this engagement will take a bit longer because we have to take a premarital class at the church and then the wait time is 6-9 months before the church will marry us. The next class is in September or October.

If she does not open up now, she will vent sometime after the wedding, when her guard is down. I spent many hours listening to my wife's past before we got married.

I'll use a medical example. I know someone who had wounds that would not heal on her ankle. She went to the doctor as she was getting worried. He said, "Let's have a look at what's going on" and pulled off the scabs. She had deep and painful ulcers. She had to have a varicose vein stripped before the ulcers would heal.

I know my wife's history and I'm fine with it. I've shared much of my own life with her also. There are no suprises in store for us. A spouse should be your closest and most trusted friend. That's something that should get deeper during marriage. Friendship should begin before.

 

[MsMediator]

OK my fiance and I have been having some good times and some rough times. Right now we are in a rough patch. We have been in a relationship for two years.

I will do full disclosure because I want some good advice.

In the past, I have been reluctant to:
-Remove female friends from Facebook
-Remove old phone numbers from phone
-Stop talking to two female friends

Now I didn't communicate with the women on Facebook, and I didn't call any of the numbers in my phone. But I understand that I should have taken care of these things sooner. Because of this, there have been some trust issues. She thinks I sometimes want to reach out to women in my past.

The other day I was on the phone with my fiance while getting in the elevator at the garage. I saw one of my co-workers and said, "Oh, there's Miss Kirra." Then I got in the elevator with her and said hi to her. At first my fiance said I sounded a little too excited to see her and that I was probably checking her out. I told her that no, that's how I sound when I say hi to everybody at work. We didn't really talk that day. Later on when I brought it up, she said she didn't like the fact that I called her "Miss Kirra". She said that was a term on endearment between us and I ruined it by calling another woman Miss. She is now saying that she didn't have an issue with me saying hi, she only had an issue with me saying "Miss Kirra" before saying hi. One issue may be that we are on the phone every morning when I walk in to work and maybe I should let her go before I go in as that isn't professional anyway (I work in IT).

What are your thoughts about using the word Miss? Is it OK to use it with another woman at work? Is it OK to say it in front of your fiance? Is it considered flirting? Does it depend on if you have made some mistakes in your relationship? I was under the impression that it was being polite, but if it is considered flirty I will never do it again.

I can see why your girlfriend might have an issue about the three things you listed (though this may be slightly over the top), but not the part about the coworker. It seems ahe doesn't trust you and also she is feeling insecure. Essentially she is accusing you of emotional cheating. Once I read about the coworker it sounds she is a bit on the unreasonable side, naggy and controlling. Definitely something to work on before marriage.

 

[Magenta]

What are your thoughts about using the word Miss?

I've never known anyone to have a problem with it as you describe.

Is it OK to use it with another woman at work?

I don't see why not.

Is it OK to say it in front of your fiance?

I don't see why not.

Is it considered flirting?

Not that I know of.

Does it depend on if you have made some mistakes in your relationship?

What kind of mistakes? Not wanting to have no female friends ever again in your life?

I was under the impression that it was being polite, but if it is considered flirty I will never do it again.

Your fiance considers it flirty. But it sounds like she has trust issues... probably from the past she refuses to talk about.