For the People Who Champion Lifetime Singleness - What's Your Advice for Dealing with Single Sexuality?

The desire and yearning will always be there. Cannot do much about that. It’s the acts that bring about the sin. It’s a battle the will always rage on, but we have to learn to control our bodies.

The desire and yearning will always be there. Cannot do much about that. It’s the acts that bring about the sin. It’s a battle the will always rage on, but we have to learn to control our bodies.

The desire and yearning will always be there. Cannot do much about that. It’s the acts that bring about the sin. It’s a battle the will always rage on, but we have to learn to control our bodies.

Hey Everyone,

We have a range of opinions about singleness here in the forum -- some people very adamantly want to get married, while some very adamantly want to remain single, and some people are in between -- which seems perfectly normal. I would say that for myself, I would fall into the in-between category -- how about you? I think God calls us all to different situations, with no one-size-fits-all answer.

Even though I sometimes feel I could go in either direction (whether to marry or to stay single,) I definitely pay attention to posts by users who seem to be perfectly content as a single, intend on being single for the rest of their lives, or are at peace with the thought, because I always wonder how they do it.

The one question I always want to ask them is, "But what would your advice be for singles who struggle with sexuality?" After all, absolutely everyone in the Christian community always quotes the infamous passage that it is "better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9.) First of all, I'm sure I'd have a ton of money in the bank if I could count the number of times I've seen that advice given to singles. Secondly, the people who give that advice don't seem to acknowledge the other side of the coin -- well-meaning Christians who do get married and even convince themselves that they're in love, but if you go far enough below the surface, the driving motivation to get married was sex (and you see this mentioned sometimes in the Forum Family threads as a reason for the breakup of a marriage.)

I have nothing but admiration for those who fight to remain to protect their singleness at all costs. But I also feels it's important that when strongly advocating a point of view, it should be pertinent to offer well-rounded advice on how to live out that decision.

We now have a thread asking divorced people to disclose the extremely personal issues as to why they are divorced; I felt it was only fair to ask those who plan to remain single forever how they deal with sexuality, and what their advice would be to other singles who struggle with it, because to ignore this topic and act like it doesn't exist just keeps people in a place where they suffer in silence. It tells people what to do, but doesn't realistically tell them how to do it, or acknowledge the struggles they are going through.

As a long-time single myself, sexuality is the number one question I get asked about by other singles.

It's fine and dandy to never get married. But what's your game plan on dealing with things like porn and knowing that if you stay single, you are never, E.V.E.R. allowed to have any form of sexual expression for the rest of your life? Even for singles who don't outwardly mention it, this is usually the question that's always hinging in their minds (at least from my experience in the single Christian community.)

For anyone who is brave enough to answer, it's fine to just give generalizations and not personal details about yourself.

It's that it sometimes feels like there is a very strong anti-marriage sentiment here in Singles -- as if wanting to find someone and get married is wrong, or anyone who wants to do so is some kind of moron. While I agree that getting married be wrong for some people -- maybe sexuality isn't an issue for them, and that's why they can do it -- I definitely believe that God still calls others to be married, and it would be wrong to try to stop them from doing so.

However, for those who insist that the single life is the only way to go -- what suggestions and advice do you have for others who want to adapt to long-term or permanent singleness?

It is not that complicated. If you don't have the gift you should get married.

If you do have the gift then you don't "struggle" nor do you feel like you are missing anything.

As a matter of fact those that have the gift are a bit repulsed by the idea of sex and would find it a burden and a chore that they have to endure to be a "good marriage partner."

If someone views the idea of never having sex as a tragedy or a sad future, they do not have this gift and they should get married.

Most young people are not going to want to swear off sex forever nor are they going to desire solitude.

What does "the gift" look like? It like a "calling" and it is exciting and desirable to the one that has it. They don't want to marry or have sex. They like the idea of staying single, and not having to deal with sex at all. Therefore there is no "plan" necessary for dealing with a life without sex.

If there needs to be some kind of plan then one should get married. THAT IS THE PLAN.

Well gee, that's about as useful to singles who actually struggle as telling a crippled guy that if he were meant to be crippled then he wouldn't have any desire to walk, so if he wants to walk just get up and walk already.

The question is how do you obey and honor God in this area of your life (which pretty much every currently single but future married person is going to have to deal with when they're dating their spouse to be (and most single people deal with at other times too)).

However, for those who insist that the single life is the only way to go -- what suggestions and advice do you have for others who want to adapt to long-term or permanent singleness?

I do believe that if you are single and planning to get married someday or if you plan to stay celibate the rest of your life the plan would be to not think about sex. LOL
Don't let your mind go there. Don't watch people talk about it or act it out on TV. Keep all that stuff away from your eyes, ears and thoughts. You'll be surprised how much victory you can have in these areas by controlling your mind.
Keep your thought on Jesus and only read, view, listen to, talk about, think about and do what you would not be ashamed to do if Jesus was standing with you in the same room. Because he really is. Even more so, He is in your heart and knows every thought you have. So the minute an offensive thought shows up reject it and begin to praise and worship Jesus. That is how you can have victory.

Another thing that can help is to have a high value for other people as people God loves and values. And then realize that if you are interacting with them, and especially if you are dating them, then God has partially entrusted them to you and it's your responsibility toward God to treat them as one of God's treasures. And if you dare to say you love someone, then love them selflessly and well. Because it's never just about what you want or feel

So seriously, you're saying that the best way to deal with sexuality as a Christian single is to do your absolute best to remove any mention of sex and sexuality, any indication that they exist from your life?

And I'm taking issue with this because I firmly believe that this is the kind of advice that drove my generation out of church. While some of it is good advice (and there certainly is wisdom in reducing stimuli), you can't eliminate sexual references from your world completely, and I'm not sure you should since that in effect isolates you from so much of people and culture. And that's pretty much the biggest problem Christian singles have, is that the entire theology of sexuality that gets taught to singles is "Don't". and they're left with no idea how to handle it (especially if for whatever reason you aren't interested in marrying (or lack the means to do so) by about 25 then it feels like the church really leaves you hanging). And I think there has to be a better answer than deny the way God made you and pretend it doesn't exist (even if my current attitude of shrugging romance dating and sex off as, "Oh that's just not part of my life" is pretty similar to that; I'm under no illusions that such would work for most people).

So seriously, you're saying that the best way to deal with sexuality as a Christian single is to do your absolute best to remove any mention of sex and sexuality, any indication that they exist from your life?

And I'm taking issue with this because I firmly believe that this is the kind of advice that drove my generation out of church. While some of it is good advice (and there certainly is wisdom in reducing stimuli), you can't eliminate sexual references from your world completely, and I'm not sure you should since that in effect isolates you from so much of people and culture. And that's pretty much the biggest problem Christian singles have, is that the entire theology of sexuality that gets taught to singles is "Don't". and they're left with no idea how to handle it (especially if for whatever reason you aren't interested in marrying (or lack the means to do so) by about 25 then it feels like the church really leaves you hanging). And I think there has to be a better answer than deny the way God made you and pretend it doesn't exist (even if my current attitude of shrugging romance dating and sex off as, "Oh that's just not part of my life" is pretty similar to that; I'm under no illusions that such would work for most people).

If you are planning to stay celibate the rest of your life the plan would be 1) is it practical for you? Do you have that gift? If not then plan on getting married instead.

If you do have the gift but don't want to be foolish and see how close to the flame you can get before you feel heat then don't expose yourself unnecessarily , to the flames. Don't watch ungodly entertainment. That will plant seeds in your mind that will grow. It will warp your world view. I don't care if you disagree with me or not, it's a fact.

If you have decided to marry because you know that you do not have that gift the same advice applies. While you are meeting and developing relationships with friends in church that will one day result in finding that one you are interested in marrying you will need to keep your mind pure by how your control your thoughts.

It is not that hard to stay holy and pure when you are experiencing the daily sanctifying power of the Holy Ghost by not yielding to fleshly thoughts and actions. Yielding your mind to the thoughts of the Holy Spirit and to deeds of the Spirit will make you a slave to righteousness, it will be what comes first rather than being such a struggle. The resisting of sexual impurity will become habit, it would take a slow fade to fall.

The solution is to renew your mind with the Word of God. Soon you will find that the transformation of the mind by the Spirit will empower you to control impulses and you will not be overwhelmed with urges that you can't control.

If you speak out loud and pray, and worship the Lord out loud with your mouth in the moment of temptation that also helps. For example. If you find yourself is some sort of battle just begin to worship the Lord and say...

"Thank You Jesus, You have saved me and made me holy in your sight and I thank You.
Thank you for making me the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.
I so appreciate what you have done for me in cleansing me and making me white as snow.
Though my sins were as scarlet now I am white as snow and I love this Fellowship with you and the Father.
Oh Jesus I do not want anything to come between this precious love we have and this clear conscience you have given me by making me free from sin and lusts."

Just keep that up and you will soon find you have total victory. It really works. It is called Submitting to God, resisting the devil and he will flee from you.
This advice never drove any young person out of church. The only ones who reject it are those who don't do it. Of course it wont work if you don't do it and look for some other answer.

Loving Jesus more than you love sin is the answer for overcoming any temptation. Also remember that there is always a way out, and usually it starts with a simple decision to look for the way out and decide you would rather die than to deliberately grieve God's heart with sin again. When God sees that kind of heart of faith and love he will move heaven and earth to come to your aid and help you in your moment of temptation.

For those who have fallen into sexual sin in the past but have returned to the Lord and do not want to ever fall again, they understand what I am talking about. And that is why I suggest a song like the one below in the moment of temptation. There are other songs they could find but having a good worship song that means something to you and helps you focus on Jesus is a good weapon to have in your arsenal when doing battle against temptations:

Another thing that can help is to have a high value for other people as people God loves and values. And then realize that if you are interacting with them, and especially if you are dating them, then God has partially entrusted them to you and it's your responsibility toward God to treat them as one of God's treasures. And if you dare to say you love someone, then love them selflessly and well. Because it's never just about what you want or feel.

Cant be bothered to get into this but it you're trying to imply that impure sexual thoughts are nothing that we cannot do anything about then you don't fully understand what sin is then in this context.
Sin isnt just defined by what acts that we do...its also what we think,feel,motives.
So it I was constantly enjoying sexual fantasies about a female friend and secretly imagined having sex with her whenever she just said Hi to me....undressing her in my mind as she was innocently chatting to me...you're trying to tell me that I wouldn't be sinning just because nothing has been acted out?
yer right

I think things get complicated with a person realizes that he/she doesn't like sex after getting married, or realize that sex didn't live up to its name. Many women like sex, but also many do not but are willing to go through with it for their husband and/or to have kids. People who have had sex with multiple people say that certain partners satisfied them more than others. So, it could be a case of the person realizing that he/she is no longer interested in sex but also that he/she is not being satisfied with their spouse.

..., because I was also frustrated with my own experiences at not being able to find someone to "really" talk to.