For the People Who Champion Lifetime Singleness - What's Your Advice for Dealing with Single Sexuality?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

We have a range of opinions about singleness here in the forum -- some people very adamantly want to get married, while some very adamantly want to remain single, and some people are in between -- which seems perfectly normal. I would say that for myself, I would fall into the in-between category -- how about you? I think God calls us all to different situations, with no one-size-fits-all answer.

Even though I sometimes feel I could go in either direction (whether to marry or to stay single,) I definitely pay attention to posts by users who seem to be perfectly content as a single, intend on being single for the rest of their lives, or are at peace with the thought, because I always wonder how they do it.

The one question I always want to ask them is, "But what would your advice be for singles who struggle with sexuality?" After all, absolutely everyone in the Christian community always quotes the infamous passage that it is "better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9.) First of all, I'm sure I'd have a ton of money in the bank if I could count the number of times I've seen that advice given to singles. Secondly, the people who give that advice don't seem to acknowledge the other side of the coin -- well-meaning Christians who do get married and even convince themselves that they're in love, but if you go far enough below the surface, the driving motivation to get married was sex (and you see this mentioned sometimes in the Forum Family threads as a reason for the breakup of a marriage.)

I have nothing but admiration for those who fight to remain to protect their singleness at all costs. But I also feels it's important that when strongly advocating a point of view, it should be pertinent to offer well-rounded advice on how to live out that decision.

We now have a thread asking divorced people to disclose the extremely personal issues as to why they are divorced; I felt it was only fair to ask those who plan to remain single forever how they deal with sexuality, and what their advice would be to other singles who struggle with it, because to ignore this topic and act like it doesn't exist just keeps people in a place where they suffer in silence. It tells people what to do, but doesn't realistically tell them how to do it, or acknowledge the struggles they are going through.

As a long-time single myself, sexuality is the number one question I get asked about by other singles.

It's fine and dandy to never get married. But what's your game plan on dealing with things like porn and knowing that if you stay single, you are never, E.V.E.R. allowed to have any form of sexual expression for the rest of your life? Even for singles who don't outwardly mention it, this is usually the question that's always hinging in their minds (at least from my experience in the single Christian community.)

For anyone who is brave enough to answer, it's fine to just give generalizations and not personal details about yourself.

It's that it sometimes feels like there is a very strong anti-marriage sentiment here in Singles -- as if wanting to find someone and get married is wrong, or anyone who wants to do so is some kind of moron. While I agree that getting married be wrong for some people -- maybe sexuality isn't an issue for them, and that's why they can do it -- I definitely believe that God still calls others to be married, and it would be wrong to try to stop them from doing so.

However, for those who insist that the single life is the only way to go -- what suggestions and advice do you have for others who want to adapt to long-term or permanent singleness?

 

[Lynx]

Hmm... how to say this without losing our PG rating...

I'm reminded of a story set a few centuries ago, when a pirate ship docked at a bay where there was a Catholic convent. A group of pirates came ashore and a group of nuns went to the front door of the convent to meet them. The lead pirate, the spokespirate if you will, started making some leading statements about how they had been at sea for a long time and none of them had even seen a woman for many days.

One of the sharper-tongued nuns said, "Have they lost the use of their hands?"

 

[seoulsearch]

Now, it seems only fair that since I am asking such a personal question, I myself should take the initiative to try to give an answer.

My reply might seem rather boring, but this is the way God tends to deal with me (not just regarding sexuality, but basically with most everything, including bitterness and unforgiveness, which I probably struggle with even more.)

1. Conviction: Have you ever been in a situation where God will tell you, "You don't need to go there. You don't need to watch that. You don't need to read that, or have that conversation"? Yup. That's me, to about the nth degree. God has always very strongly convicted me and if my brain has a leaning to want to swerve into some other lane, He will literally keep me awake at night until I confess to another Christian and ask my for forgiveness. To add to this, HE picks the person I need to go to (He won't let me go to just anyone,) and sometimes it's been my own parents. The thought of disappointing them has a tendency to keep the guardrails strongly in place.

Even though I'm a grown adult (or at least claim to be,) God still makes me accountable to my parents. I had a suicide attempt at one point in my life, and God struck my conscience so badly one night that I was awake the entire weekend until I finally called my Dad and asked him to forgive me. Something like 10 years had passed, but that wasn't going to cover it -- time did not excuse my sin.

2. Isolation: For much of my life, I have been extremely isolated, for various reasons. Even when I've had times that I tried to make friends in real life, they were usually busy, had their own families, or sometimes God just didn't allow that to happen, and there was always a reason (sometimes new opportunities would come up and I'd wind up having to go to a different place.) I haven't had to worry much about dating since there's never been an opportunity. The churches I join always seem to have congregations I don't really fit into. But I have made amazing friendships online (many of them here,) and that's what's helped sustained my faith and my spirit.

3. Distraction: There are a lot of things in this world I'm pretty terrible at. Numbers, technology, and even putting things together have never been my forte. And wouldn't you know, I have long-distance friends and a local relative who are all trying to teach me about those things. And I know God is telling me, "If you will work on emptying your head of A, B, and, C, I'm going to replace it with helping you to understand X, Y, and Z."

For me, it's a matter of choosing what I want to hold on to, and what I want to let go.

Now, your situation might be nothing like mine, and God might work very differently with you, but these are just a few examples of how He works in my life.

I would be very interested in hearing what you all have to say, and I'm sure your advice would be helpful to others (including me.) Don't feel like you have to delve into your own personal life in too much detail.

But how does God help you navigate some of the more difficult aspects of being single?

 

[Lynx]

As for those who insist being single is the only way to live, ask them how they came to be. If we don't believe in sex outside marriage, either their parents were married or they were brought into this world in an immoral manner.

If everybody were single the population would either die out fast, or there'd be a whole lot of sinning.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hmm... how to say this without losing our PG rating...

I'm reminded of a story set a few centuries ago, when a pirate ship docked at a bay where there was a Catholic convent. A group of pirates came ashore and a group of nuns went to the front door of the convent to meet them. The lead pirate, the spokespirate if you will, started making some leading statements about how they had been at sea for a long time and none of them had even seen a woman for many days.

One of the sharper-tongued nuns said, "Have they lost the use of their hands?"

This is actually a very good point, Lynx.

And that's the thing.

I know this might bring about a whole 'nother debate in and of itself, but the conservative Christian community I was raised in firmly believes that if you stay single, it's a "nothing and nothing" situation. Nothing suggestive in any way, nothing that would give you the wrong thoughts, and no actions, whether single or with another, for as long as you are single (meaning, not married.)

So this is exactly what I'm asking: for the people who advocate lifelong singleness -- What are your suggestions for having to go with "NO NOTHING" for the rest of your life? (Because it is the most commonly asked question I hear from other singles who are willing to talk about the topic.)

For anyone who doesn't want to talk about it, I understand. But I do ask that maybe you would consider contributing something to the thread, instead of just sitting back and reading about everyone else, as is so often the case.

I'm not saying that's wrong in anyway.

I'm just saying that sometimes when we have people who want to know the answers but don't want to contribute anything, it can sometimes feel a bit like voyeurism.

 

[up]

i may be lil bit off topic but I thi k it relates in a certain way!

never been married, perhaps God's goodnees will change me first that I've been diligently working on (those that know me, it's very true, and difficult) but... it's a process as well as - - - i know will be worth being with my one true Love God is preparing... ahhh, that felt amazing to say with such a relief, one thing will always be true... God First, no. matter what😊

 

[Lanolin]

are you talking about celibacy seoul?

I think its a gift. but a lot of people really dont understand it.

They are like but WHY dont you wanna get knocked up? Dont you want to XXX?

Theres a whole lot of books now that are out called the 'art of not giving a XXXX' . But most people do give in to their flesh. I mean its right there, something you can touch, and so tempting.
And they have to train themselves not to, to resist, and flee fornication.

for a few singles, its once bitten twice shy, as their experience of sex can do that. . It could be like OK this was wonderful, but Im not doing it again, Or this was awful, no way. The body can have sex with anyone, but the mind is not going to necessarily follow - and for a lot of people, that act is only what, about five minutes or less!

Its not that God always takes away the desire, but He ultimately directs your path in life. You KNOW inside when you have gone off track. When God desires all of you, He has ALL of of you, so you giving yorself away to someone else just seems out of the question.

the tricky part is the refusals when someone of the opposite sex comes on to you and insists that you are theirs and wants to 'do the deed'. For the most part God steers you away from that road. But when you do confront this He reminds you that you belong to Him and are not for sale.

 

[Lanolin]

intresting question how come you get asked this a lot seoul?

Do you run a lonely hearts hotline on the side or something. Ive never rung suicide line although I have counselled the odd person who had suicidal thoughts. It had nothing to do with sexuality..the person had boyfriend and was living in what oldies would have called sin already, so it was not that she was starved.

the reasons for suicide are not what peoole stererotypically think because even in couples one person may commit it and the other person has no idea. Its not really the 'nobody loves me' kind of thing. its a bit more complex.

unlike some psychiatrists who think they are qualified to weigh in, the answer to everything is not sex.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

We have a range of opinions about singleness here in the forum -- some people very adamantly want to get married, while some very adamantly want to remain single, and some people are in between -- which seems perfectly normal. I would say that for myself, I would fall into the in-between category -- how about you? I think God calls us all to different situations, with no one-size-fits-all answer.

I would consider myself in-between, but perhaps lean towards wanting to get married. Falling in love (most important), getting married, and having a kid or two (either my own or adopted) would be nice. Being single to me means the relaxed, quiet, simple, and content lifestyle (meaning I have time to read, do jigsaw puzzles, wake up late, spend quality time with pets (I don't have any right now), time for special projects/volunteer/hobbies, brunches with/meaningful conversations with friends, etc.). In any case, my single life right now is not the ideal single life that I imagine. Right now, my schedule is basically work, grab something/or cook something quick for dinner, watch TV, read a bit (maybe) then sleep. I don't have too many close friends nearby, so weekends can be boring/sometimes lonely. I have two close friends from church, but we don't really do fun things like go to the movies.

The one question I always want to ask them is, "But what would your advice be for singles who struggle with sexuality?" After all, absolutely everyone in the Christian community always quotes the infamous passage that it is "better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9.)

I don't think I struggle with this. In my future marriage, I would seek companionship/friendship more than sex. This is actually one of my concerns about entering a marriage. What if my spouse is sex-crazed but I am not? I actually think I could be celibate for life but I would want companionship/friendship. In my experience, friends (even best friends) come and go, so they are not able to offer the same kind of companionship/friendship that one gets from a spouse.

I think masturbation/having impure thoughts/watching porn is unclean. I wouldn't urge people engaging in these activities to get married right away, because I think they need to work on themselves first rather than burdening their new spouse with their unclean habits. I have had Christian women (including a female pastor) tell me that masturbation is okay though, but without the impure thoughts.

The churches I join always seem to have congregations I don't really fit into.

Unfortunately this has been my experience with churches, and this has been a disappointment since I expected to have a close knit of best friends from church. I don't fit in churches that are too conservative (only male leadership, fire/brimstone, etc.) or churches that are too family-oriented where singles feel like outcasts. I don't fit in churches where the racial make-up greatly leans one way either (including Indian churches). Currently my church is half white and half black (even though the black population is quite international), however I have been wanting to fit into this church for a long time but realistically speaking I have not. During this election cycle (and also during the past few years), I have also realized that I don't fit in politically speaking.

 

[Scribe]

It is not that complicated. If you don't have the gift you should get married.

If you do have the gift then you don't "struggle" nor do you feel like you are missing anything.

As a matter of fact those that have the gift are a bit repulsed by the idea of sex and would find it a burden and a chore that they have to endure to be a "good marriage partner."

If someone views the idea of never having sex as a tragedy or a sad future, they do not have this gift and they should get married.

Most young people are not going to want to swear off sex forever nor are they going to desire solitude.

What does "the gift" look like? It like a "calling" and it is exciting and desirable to the one that has it. They don't want to marry or have sex. They like the idea of staying single, and not having to deal with sex at all. Therefore there is no "plan" necessary for dealing with a life without sex.

If there needs to be some kind of plan then one should get married. THAT IS THE PLAN.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

It is not that complicated. If you don't have the gift you should get married.

If you do have the gift then you don't "struggle" nor do you feel like you are missing anything.

As a matter of fact those that have the gift are a bit repulsed by the idea of sex and would find it a burden and a chore that they have to endure to be a "good marriage partner."

If someone views the idea of never having sex as a tragedy or a sad future, they do not have this gift and they should get married.

Most young people are not going to want to swear off sex forever nor are they going to desire solitude.

What does "the gift" look like? It like a "calling" and it is exciting and desirable to the one that has it. They don't want to marry or have sex. They like the idea of staying single, and not having to deal with sex at all. Therefore there is no "plan" necessary for dealing with a life without sex.

If there needs to be some kind of plan then one should get married. THAT IS THE PLAN.

I think things get complicated with a person realizes that he/she doesn't like sex after getting married, or realize that sex didn't live up to its name. Many women like sex, but also many do not but are willing to go through with it for their husband and/or to have kids. People who have had sex with multiple people say that certain partners satisfied them more than others. So, it could be a case of the person realizing that he/she is no longer interested in sex but also that he/she is not being satisfied with their spouse.

 

[Going_Nowhere]

Good idea for a thread, seoulsearch. I'm sure a lot of Christians struggle with this. But a lot of them might be afraid or hesitant to talk about it. So the fact that you're willing to make a thread about it is very brave and admirable, IMO.


I also wonder....and I'm not trying to derail your thread here....just something I was curious about that is relatable to this. And that is:


When it comes to single Christians and sexual desires, is it typically easier for women to deal with and overcome such feelings than it is for men? Because there's that old stereotype that men have a much higher sex drive than women.


I don't know....maybe it depends on the woman. And I don't certainly don't want to make a generaliziation for all men and all women. Because I'm sure it's possible for a man to have a low sex drive. I just mean in a general sense so no one gets the wrong idea of what I'm asking here.

 

[Scribe]

I think things get complicated with a person realizes that he/she doesn't like sex after getting married, or realize that sex didn't live up to its name. Many women like sex, but also many do not but are willing to go through with it for their husband and/or to have kids. People who have had sex with multiple people say that certain partners satisfied them more than others. So, it could be a case of the person realizing that he/she is no longer interested in sex but also that he/she is not being satisfied with their spouse.

I would say that is a solvable problem. A good Christian book like "Love Live" by Dr. Ed Wheat addresses these issues and 90% of these issues are easily resolved by following the advice in that book.

However, even in the best circumstance there will be plenty of times where one or the other is not really in the mood, or maybe never in the mood, but they go through the motions for the sake of harmony and love. This can be age related for example. They simply age out of the urges they used to have.

If someone is abandoned at this time they may decide they "have the gift" now that they did not have when they were younger and choose to stay single. It is not really a "calling" it is just that they are too tired. LOL Nothing about the idea of marriage including the idea of sex appeals to them as it once did. So they stay single. I think that is the case for most divorced people wondering if they should stay single. They struggle with whether it is a "sad story" for their life if they do. They are not really feeling the need but they don't want to be "missing" something even if they are not sure what it is they might be missing.

It is like getting out of an abusive relationship and grieving over the loss of what you never had. Grieving about losing the person you were hoping they would become but they never were that good person and your grieving the loss of what you never had.

There are people who are happy being single with no sexual urges to deal with but they keep second guessing themselves and working themselves up into a state of "grieving the loss of what they aren't really missing," and of course this is because they are preoccupied with wanting other people to think they are living the "happy life" whatever other people think that may be.

 

[Tararose]

Hey Everyone,

We have a range of opinions about singleness here in the forum -- some people very adamantly want to get married, while some very adamantly want to remain single, and some people are in between -- which seems perfectly normal. I would say that for myself, I would fall into the in-between category -- how about you? I think God calls us all to different situations, with no one-size-fits-all answer.

Even though I sometimes feel I could go in either direction (whether to marry or to stay single,) I definitely pay attention to posts by users who seem to be perfectly content as a single, intend on being single for the rest of their lives, or are at peace with the thought, because I always wonder how they do it.

The one question I always want to ask them is, "But what would your advice be for singles who struggle with sexuality?" After all, absolutely everyone in the Christian community always quotes the infamous passage that it is "better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9.) First of all, I'm sure I'd have a ton of money in the bank if I could count the number of times I've seen that advice given to singles. Secondly, the people who give that advice don't seem to acknowledge the other side of the coin -- well-meaning Christians who do get married and even convince themselves that they're in love, but if you go far enough below the surface, the driving motivation to get married was sex (and you see this mentioned sometimes in the Forum Family threads as a reason for the breakup of a marriage.)

I have nothing but admiration for those who fight to remain to protect their singleness at all costs. But I also feels it's important that when strongly advocating a point of view, it should be pertinent to offer well-rounded advice on how to live out that decision.

We now have a thread asking divorced people to disclose the extremely personal issues as to why they are divorced; I felt it was only fair to ask those who plan to remain single forever how they deal with sexuality, and what their advice would be to other singles who struggle with it, because to ignore this topic and act like it doesn't exist just keeps people in a place where they suffer in silence. It tells people what to do, but doesn't realistically tell them how to do it, or acknowledge the struggles they are going through.

As a long-time single myself, sexuality is the number one question I get asked about by other singles.

It's fine and dandy to never get married. But what's your game plan on dealing with things like porn and knowing that if you stay single, you are never, E.V.E.R. allowed to have any form of sexual expression for the rest of your life? Even for singles who don't outwardly mention it, this is usually the question that's always hinging in their minds (at least from my experience in the single Christian community.)

For anyone who is brave enough to answer, it's fine to just give generalizations and not personal details about yourself.

It's that it sometimes feels like there is a very strong anti-marriage sentiment here in Singles -- as if wanting to find someone and get married is wrong, or anyone who wants to do so is some kind of moron. While I agree that getting married be wrong for some people -- maybe sexuality isn't an issue for them, and that's why they can do it -- I definitely believe that God still calls others to be married, and it would be wrong to try to stop them from doing so.

However, for those who insist that the single life is the only way to go -- what suggestions and advice do you have for others who want to adapt to long-term or permanent singleness?

Ah I get asked a lot too weirdly. People know you are a Christian and if you are single for too long they think there must be something wrong with your hormones or you are not telling the truth about abstaining.

The “hand” joke solution above is a tricky topic for believers obviously. To my knowledge nothing in scripture forbids it if it avoids lusting - porn and fantasy etc. As far as I can see those sort of things would just fuel the fire, form aN unhealthy habit and not help anyone long term.

Women I speak to often say the longer they abstain the easier it becomes. But not everyone finds this is true.

Ultimately it is best to avoid Tempting situations as much as possible, Keep yourself accountable, ask for prayer, Keep your mind off books and films etc that pull your mind back to romance and relationships and of course anything you find visually causes you a problem.

Distraction is also a great defence. Call a believing friend and ask for prayer, go help someone with something, bake, run, dance, cry, whatever helps you resist and flee temptation.

It’s personal and not everyone who is single is single by choice. I think of those who have homosexual preferences, and cannot marry because they choose to remain celibate forever over living a life of sin. What a cross to bear .

Also those who are born physically unable In that way, or Who become so due to illness or an accident etc.

What about the husband or wife of someone who suddenly can no longer have sex - through no fault of choosing of their own.

What about the spouse who is treated badly and feels constantly unloved but has no biblical reason to divorce? What if a spouse has a very high sex drive and is married to someone with a very low sex drive. What if someone ceases to find their spouse attractive. All of these people will face the same temptations singles face.

So it isn’t just singles that need self control or who get tempted.

It is rare the hormones will say, “what I want isn’t in the will of God so I better stop creating desires and urges”. The body isn’t going to shut up just because it can’t have what it wants. Of course to want sex isn’t a sin. We know that. But we also know with sex, context is everything!

It is rare a man will not find other women sexually attractive regardless of Being in a marriage. It is rare a wife won’t find someone more attentive or attractive than her spouse. Usually we push off these things. A healthy marriage helps us tremendously in this but very few marriages provide perfect satisfaction all the time for anyone.

Singles have it rough though, not denying it. I am one lol. But I have been married and can say at times it wasn’t as helpful as people imagine.

So long waffling post, but it’s a massive topic that affects most of us in one way or another. If it doesn’t then you Really do have the gift of singleness and are most blessed!!!

For the rest of us ...Fight the good fight, lean into God and flee temptation. Self control.... long suffering... patience etc. It’s all available and it is possible to overcome. It’s just really difficult and takes a lot of determination, accountability, friends of the same sex (unless you are battling gay attraction of course ) and prayer and more prayer.

God help us all.

 

[seoulsearch]

intresting question how come you get asked this a lot seoul?

Do you run a lonely hearts hotline on the side or something. Ive never rung suicide line although I have counselled the odd person who had suicidal thoughts. It had nothing to do with sexuality..the person had boyfriend and was living in what oldies would have called sin already, so it was not that she was starved.

the reasons for suicide are not what peoole stererotypically think because even in couples one person may commit it and the other person has no idea. Its not really the 'nobody loves me' kind of thing. its a bit more complex.

unlike some psychiatrists who think they are qualified to weigh in, the answer to everything is not sex.

Hi Lanolin,

Thanks for taking the time to ask. I don't know if I can explain it. People have been talking to me, and I have been talking to them about the most personal aspects of their lives from the time I was a kid.

I guess it's because I always liked having honest, open conversations with people, and often they would start talking about something that was really troubling them. Sometimes they would say that they'd never felt comfortable telling anyone else before, or when they'd tried talking to others (including in the church,) people would either ignore them, give them a pat answer, or chastise them for not having enough faith.

I told God that if it was ok, I wanted to be someone that people felt they could talk to, because I was also frustrated with my own experiences at not being able to find someone to "really" talk to. We are all called to different things, and I feel called to people who might benefit from discussing things that most are afraid to discuss.

It's definitely a learning process. I've learned what to recognize where I might be able to help, and I've learned whenI need to let someone else step in. I've also observed that some people will say a thousand things without ever saying anything about themselves, or they'll ask you every question under the sun, but will avoid any question you ask them.

I'm not knocking anyone for this -- there are certainly a lot of things I don't share with people unless I get to know them either -- but I did tell God a long time ago that I wanted to be fair. If I made a suggestion or asked a question, I couldn't make myself an exception or exemption, and I believe God really holds me to that.

I want to thank everyone for their contributions to this thread, and please, keep right on talking. I am pleasantly surprised at how much of a response we are getting.

One of the reasons I stopped writing more controversial threads is because we would get the same brave souls who would answer over and over again (God bless them!) and I didn't want to make it look like they were constantly being put on the spot.

The reason I wrote this thread is because we singles are often given the advice to stay single, but we usually aren't given a plan of action as to how we are to go about doing that. Maybe I'm just a little slow, but to me, it's like being told that all I need to do is dig a tunnel, but no one tells me how to go about doing it (which shovel do should you choose, and what are the best/most efficient ways to go about digging?)

While I do agree that some are called to be single, I disagree that it can always be assumed that singleness is an automatic calling that will result in little to no struggle.

If someone is married and suddenly finds themselves divorced or widowed, they generally have a very hard time adjusting to single life. It doesn't come "naturally", and it doesn't kill the desires that they were used to once expressing. Likewise, if someone is called to be married, but God wants them to wait another 10 years before it happens, God usually doesn't just kill all your interests until that "magical day" when you get married. It's going to be a struggle, and perhaps more so for someone who feels the call to marriage very strongly.

These and many other reasons are why I think it's very important to discuss these matters with an open mind, compassionate heart, and a double helping of showing each other God's love.

Thank you all, and please, keep talking!

 

[Encouragement]

I would consider myself in-between, but perhaps lean towards wanting to get married. Falling in love (most important), getting married, and having a kid or two (either my own or adopted) would be nice. Being single to me means the relaxed, quiet, simple, and content lifestyle (meaning I have time to read, do jigsaw puzzles, wake up late, spend quality time with pets (I don't have any right now), time for special projects/volunteer/hobbies, brunches with/meaningful conversations with friends, etc.). In any case, my single life right now is not the ideal single life that I imagine. Right now, my schedule is basically work, grab something/or cook something quick for dinner, watch TV, read a bit (maybe) then sleep. I don't have too many close friends nearby, so weekends can be boring/sometimes lonely. I have two close friends from church, but we don't really do fun things like go to the movies.



I don't think I struggle with this. In my future marriage, I would seek companionship/friendship more than sex. This is actually one of my concerns about entering a marriage. What if my spouse is sex-crazed but I am not? I actually think I could be celibate for life but I would want companionship/friendship. In my experience, friends (even best friends) come and go, so they are not able to offer the same kind of companionship/friendship that one gets from a spouse.

I think masturbation/having impure thoughts/watching porn is unclean. I wouldn't urge people engaging in these activities to get married right away, because I think they need to work on themselves first rather than burdening their new spouse with their unclean habits. I have had Christian women (including a female pastor) tell me that masturbation is okay though, but without the impure thoughts.



Unfortunately this has been my experience with churches, and this has been a disappointment since I expected to have a close knit of best friends from church. I don't fit in churches that are too conservative (only male leadership, fire/brimstone, etc.) or churches that are too family-oriented where singles feel like outcasts. I don't fit in churches where the racial make-up greatly leans one way either (including Indian churches). Currently my church is half white and half black (even though the black population is quite international), however I have been wanting to fit into this church for a long time but realistically speaking I have not. During this election cycle (and also during the past few years), I have also realized that I don't fit in politically speaking.

Love your comments..good scope of various perspectives.
you make me now wanna become one of your friends..😊

 

[Encouragement]

Hey Everyone,

We have a range of opinions about singleness here in the forum -- some people very adamantly want to get married, while some very adamantly want to remain single, and some people are in between -- which seems perfectly normal. I would say that for myself, I would fall into the in-between category -- how about you? I think God calls us all to different situations, with no one-size-fits-all answer.

Even though I sometimes feel I could go in either direction (whether to marry or to stay single,) I definitely pay attention to posts by users who seem to be perfectly content as a single, intend on being single for the rest of their lives, or are at peace with the thought, because I always wonder how they do it.

The one question I always want to ask them is, "But what would your advice be for singles who struggle with sexuality?" After all, absolutely everyone in the Christian community always quotes the infamous passage that it is "better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9.) First of all, I'm sure I'd have a ton of money in the bank if I could count the number of times I've seen that advice given to singles. Secondly, the people who give that advice don't seem to acknowledge the other side of the coin -- well-meaning Christians who do get married and even convince themselves that they're in love, but if you go far enough below the surface, the driving motivation to get married was sex (and you see this mentioned sometimes in the Forum Family threads as a reason for the breakup of a marriage.)

I have nothing but admiration for those who fight to remain to protect their singleness at all costs. But I also feels it's important that when strongly advocating a point of view, it should be pertinent to offer well-rounded advice on how to live out that decision.

We now have a thread asking divorced people to disclose the extremely personal issues as to why they are divorced; I felt it was only fair to ask those who plan to remain single forever how they deal with sexuality, and what their advice would be to other singles who struggle with it, because to ignore this topic and act like it doesn't exist just keeps people in a place where they suffer in silence. It tells people what to do, but doesn't realistically tell them how to do it, or acknowledge the struggles they are going through.

As a long-time single myself, sexuality is the number one question I get asked about by other singles.

It's fine and dandy to never get married. But what's your game plan on dealing with things like porn and knowing that if you stay single, you are never, E.V.E.R. allowed to have any form of sexual expression for the rest of your life? Even for singles who don't outwardly mention it, this is usually the question that's always hinging in their minds (at least from my experience in the single Christian community.)

For anyone who is brave enough to answer, it's fine to just give generalizations and not personal details about yourself.

It's that it sometimes feels like there is a very strong anti-marriage sentiment here in Singles -- as if wanting to find someone and get married is wrong, or anyone who wants to do so is some kind of moron. While I agree that getting married be wrong for some people -- maybe sexuality isn't an issue for them, and that's why they can do it -- I definitely believe that God still calls others to be married, and it would be wrong to try to stop them from doing so.

However, for those who insist that the single life is the only way to go -- what suggestions and advice do you have for others who want to adapt to long-term or permanent singleness?

Great thread you have created ans its great to read the various comments here.👍.
I would naturally like to be married but at the same time if it doesnt happen I would still accept it too..Yet at times it has been challenging coz of my emotional make up..(i love romance,hugs,cuddles..ect)..I firmly belive that marriage is a wonderful thing and despite all the dynamics if life with God at the center it would still bear much fruit.
I thinks sometimes single Christian's may not openly discuss the struggles associated with being single which affects us in varying degrees....few examples below
1)At times wanting emotional intimacy with someone...
At times we may miss having someone special to call,speak with...be missed by someone ect ..there can be a kind of void there that God at times himself won't even fill..
These are natural experiences to have and these also can caused by various things to.
2)At times wanting sexual/,physical intimacy
Again at times there is no one in our lives to hold us close,kiss,cuddle up to and watch a movie with..and at times sexual desires can be experienced but there is no one there to experience then with or get a release from these things in a way that is in the right context..
3)Falling in love and being loved by someone else are wonderful experiences within themselves and God doesn't kind of switch these thing off just because we are single.
like a person will still experience the need to eat food even though there's no food in the cupboard....
I have noticed that sometimes married people can occasionally even be the worst ones at times coz they can say thing like.
."Arent you married yet?...Why not?
"what you waiting for?"
"God isnt gonna drop someone into your lap you know"..and so on..
Its like sometimes the forget what it felt like to be single and if you're not careful...can make you feel that you're outside the "Christian marriage club"....
As single Christian's we all have our own individual struggles specific to ourselves as individuals and some may have not have any struggles with say....sexual fantasies ect...whereas another might..
Even desiring emotional/physical intimacy can be longed for at times if say...someone has a bad day....and wish they could just be held by someone special and just let the cares of the day melt away..God knows our make up.
Some of us may even fear marriage coz there are certain things you enjoy being single which you loose when you're married..
Some may still be a virgin and the prospect of having a full sexual relationship can be scary...being single protects one from this....this can be the same for many other things...some of us could actually be a nightmare to live with if we're honest..😊😊
I did a thread a while back about the fear of marriage and it was great to hear peoples point of view.

 

[Aerials1978]

Sexuality is one the strongest and most devastating aspect of being a human. Sex as God designed it a wonderful and pleasurable thing.

However, when used outside of the confines of a marriage, it’s fornication which angers God. If you want to have sex, find a wife/husband. If you wish to live single life, you must do without. There’s no in between.

 

[Encouragement]

Sexuality is one the strongest and most devastating aspect of being a human. Sex as God designed it a wonderful and pleasurable thing.

However, when used outside of the confines of a marriage, it’s fornication which angers God. If you want to have sex, find a wife/husband. If you wish to live single life, you must do without. There’s no in between.

Yet his is true most definitely.
However sexual purity is so much more than sexual acts .A person can be single,not even watching porn...but their thought life/imaginations and heart is a river of sexual fantasies and private sexual perversions..which they can be enjoying constantly which for them compensates for actually having a wife/husband to whom they could have a sexual relationship with...weither they are virgin/not a virgin,widowed,divorcee..they could still be like this.

 

[Aerials1978]

Yet his is true most definitely.
However sexual purity is so much more than sexual acts .A person can be single,not even watching porn...but their thought life/imaginations and heart is a river of sexual fantasies and private sexual perversions..which they can be enjoying constantly which for them compensates for actually having a wife/husband to whom they could have a sexual relationship with...weither they are virgin/not a virgin,widowed,divorcee..they could still be like this.

The desire and yearning will always be there. Cannot do much about that. It’s the acts that bring about the sin. It’s a battle the will always rage on, but we have to learn to control our bodies.