For the People Who Champion Lifetime Singleness - What's Your Advice for Dealing with Single Sexuality?

[Scribe]

The desire and yearning will always be there. Cannot do much about that. It’s the acts that bring about the sin. It’s a battle the will always rage on, but we have to learn to control our bodies.

For many people it changes over time. Some can tell you they haven't thought about it for years. That one can grow out of it is good news for some people and others think that is bad news. It is all a matter of perspective and the condition of the heart. Some flee youthful lusts and some chase them.

 

[Encouragement]

The desire and yearning will always be there. Cannot do much about that. It’s the acts that bring about the sin. It’s a battle the will always rage on, but we have to learn to control our bodies.

Cant be bothered to get into this but it you're trying to imply that impure sexual thoughts are nothing that we cannot do anything about then you don't fully understand what sin is then in this context.
Sin isnt just defined by what acts that we do...its also what we think,feel,motives.
So it I was constantly enjoying sexual fantasies about a female friend and secretly imagined having sex with her whenever she just said Hi to me....undressing her in my mind as she was innocently chatting to me...you're trying to tell me that I wouldn't be sinning just because nothing has been acted out?
yer right

 

[Tararose]

The desire and yearning will always be there. Cannot do much about that. It’s the acts that bring about the sin. It’s a battle the will always rage on, but we have to learn to control our bodies.

totally, (as well as controlling
our imaginations of course.)

 

[cinder]

One of the most helpful things I ever read about this topic had to do with the idea of value and sex as a way of guarding and imparting value (even quoted some studies about how there were correlations between people who were promiscuous and people who had low self esteem and that often an extended period of celibacy could help people recover from low self esteem). What was really helpful about it was the framework it gave for some of the more gray area things related to sexuality and the question we need to ask ourselves in those decisions is "Are we looking to do this to honor God and guard the value of ourselves and others or are we doing this to avoid relating to people and entering into what God may have for us?" (Ok I feel like I butchered that, here's a link to the book, it was excellent).

Something else I read that struck me talked about the sex drive as the desire for union and procreation, and I find that those times when I feel connected to other people and like I'm part of creating something good and purposeful are times when sexual temptations seem at their lowest. And some of the times I remember feeling loneliest; I also remember that I felt like I'd entertain the interest of almost any guy who could give me a kind word and was interested (thankfully at such times, God either kept any such guys away or the nice guys that did interact didn't come on to me) .

Another thing that can help is to have a high value for other people as people God loves and values. And then realize that if you are interacting with them, and especially if you are dating them, then God has partially entrusted them to you and it's your responsibility toward God to treat them as one of God's treasures. And if you dare to say you love someone, then love them selflessly and well. Because it's never just about what you want or feel.

I may be about to convict myself here, better stop typing now.

 

[Solemateleft]

Hey Everyone,

We have a range of opinions about singleness here in the forum -- some people very adamantly want to get married, while some very adamantly want to remain single, and some people are in between -- which seems perfectly normal. I would say that for myself, I would fall into the in-between category -- how about you? I think God calls us all to different situations, with no one-size-fits-all answer.

Even though I sometimes feel I could go in either direction (whether to marry or to stay single,) I definitely pay attention to posts by users who seem to be perfectly content as a single, intend on being single for the rest of their lives, or are at peace with the thought, because I always wonder how they do it.

The one question I always want to ask them is, "But what would your advice be for singles who struggle with sexuality?" After all, absolutely everyone in the Christian community always quotes the infamous passage that it is "better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9.) First of all, I'm sure I'd have a ton of money in the bank if I could count the number of times I've seen that advice given to singles. Secondly, the people who give that advice don't seem to acknowledge the other side of the coin -- well-meaning Christians who do get married and even convince themselves that they're in love, but if you go far enough below the surface, the driving motivation to get married was sex (and you see this mentioned sometimes in the Forum Family threads as a reason for the breakup of a marriage.)

I have nothing but admiration for those who fight to remain to protect their singleness at all costs. But I also feels it's important that when strongly advocating a point of view, it should be pertinent to offer well-rounded advice on how to live out that decision.

We now have a thread asking divorced people to disclose the extremely personal issues as to why they are divorced; I felt it was only fair to ask those who plan to remain single forever how they deal with sexuality, and what their advice would be to other singles who struggle with it, because to ignore this topic and act like it doesn't exist just keeps people in a place where they suffer in silence. It tells people what to do, but doesn't realistically tell them how to do it, or acknowledge the struggles they are going through.

As a long-time single myself, sexuality is the number one question I get asked about by other singles.

It's fine and dandy to never get married. But what's your game plan on dealing with things like porn and knowing that if you stay single, you are never, E.V.E.R. allowed to have any form of sexual expression for the rest of your life? Even for singles who don't outwardly mention it, this is usually the question that's always hinging in their minds (at least from my experience in the single Christian community.)

For anyone who is brave enough to answer, it's fine to just give generalizations and not personal details about yourself.

It's that it sometimes feels like there is a very strong anti-marriage sentiment here in Singles -- as if wanting to find someone and get married is wrong, or anyone who wants to do so is some kind of moron. While I agree that getting married be wrong for some people -- maybe sexuality isn't an issue for them, and that's why they can do it -- I definitely believe that God still calls others to be married, and it would be wrong to try to stop them from doing so.

However, for those who insist that the single life is the only way to go -- what suggestions and advice do you have for others who want to adapt to long-term or permanent singleness?

I'm glad to see the 'value added' responses to this profound post and inquiry... Taking it all in at this time... As it was never part of my plan, intention nor expectation to be a long-term single... I've learned to respect and embrace HIS plan, will and timing...

Being celibate during the 3.5 year separation was a cake-walk as I knew, accepted and respected the sanctity of a Christian marriage... While I have not and will not falter in my quest to honor my faith - I have to concede that the struggle can be very real at times...

It is refreshing to read and receive these reassuring responses as a means to re-charge my convictions...

Funny, because my love language happens to be 'touch' having a Dog has been a fantastic companion in so many ways - great for wrestling, play-therapy and great snuggle buddy on the sofa and going to bed... I do joke, that if I'm single much longer I might looking into becoming a professional part-time cuddle-buddy... haha...

 

[cinder]

It is not that complicated. If you don't have the gift you should get married.

If you do have the gift then you don't "struggle" nor do you feel like you are missing anything.

As a matter of fact those that have the gift are a bit repulsed by the idea of sex and would find it a burden and a chore that they have to endure to be a "good marriage partner."

If someone views the idea of never having sex as a tragedy or a sad future, they do not have this gift and they should get married.

Most young people are not going to want to swear off sex forever nor are they going to desire solitude.

What does "the gift" look like? It like a "calling" and it is exciting and desirable to the one that has it. They don't want to marry or have sex. They like the idea of staying single, and not having to deal with sex at all. Therefore there is no "plan" necessary for dealing with a life without sex.

If there needs to be some kind of plan then one should get married. THAT IS THE PLAN.

Well gee, that's about as useful to singles who actually struggle as telling a crippled guy that if he were meant to be crippled then he wouldn't have any desire to walk, so if he wants to walk just get up and walk already.

The question is how do you obey and honor God in this area of your life (which pretty much every currently single but future married person is going to have to deal with when they're dating their spouse to be (and most single people deal with at other times too)).

 

[Scribe]

Well gee, that's about as useful to singles who actually struggle as telling a crippled guy that if he were meant to be crippled then he wouldn't have any desire to walk, so if he wants to walk just get up and walk already.

The question is how do you obey and honor God in this area of your life (which pretty much every currently single but future married person is going to have to deal with when they're dating their spouse to be (and most single people deal with at other times too)).

Maybe, it was, I sort of wandered around for a while but finally landed on the question qouted below...

However, for those who insist that the single life is the only way to go -- what suggestions and advice do you have for others who want to adapt to long-term or permanent singleness?

Therefore I was giving my 2 cents. If you burn, you should marry. That would be the plan for dealing with the urges. If you have the gift you don't struggle or burn and therefore no plan is needed. Other than the obvious, don't watch movies and entertainment and let you mind get dragged through the gutter. But that is Christianity 101 and if you don't learn that you are in for a lifetime of defeat. The battle is in the mind.

I do believe that if you are single and planning to get married someday or if you plan to stay celibate the rest of your life the plan would be to not think about sex. LOL
Don't let your mind go there. Don't watch people talk about it or act it out on TV. Keep all that stuff away from your eyes, ears and thoughts. You'll be surprised how much victory you can have in these areas by controlling your mind.
Keep your thought on Jesus and only read, view, listen to, talk about, think about and do what you would not be ashamed to do if Jesus was standing with you in the same room. Because he really is. Even more so, He is in your heart and knows every thought you have. So the minute an offensive thought shows up reject it and begin to praise and worship Jesus. That is how you can have victory.

 

[Scribe]

If things seem to be getting to hard to resist play this song and sing the lyrics to Jesus how ever many times it takes until you have the victory.

 

[cinder]

I do believe that if you are single and planning to get married someday or if you plan to stay celibate the rest of your life the plan would be to not think about sex. LOL
Don't let your mind go there. Don't watch people talk about it or act it out on TV. Keep all that stuff away from your eyes, ears and thoughts. You'll be surprised how much victory you can have in these areas by controlling your mind.
Keep your thought on Jesus and only read, view, listen to, talk about, think about and do what you would not be ashamed to do if Jesus was standing with you in the same room. Because he really is. Even more so, He is in your heart and knows every thought you have. So the minute an offensive thought shows up reject it and begin to praise and worship Jesus. That is how you can have victory.

So seriously, you're saying that the best way to deal with sexuality as a Christian single is to do your absolute best to remove any mention of sex and sexuality, any indication that they exist from your life?

And I'm taking issue with this because I firmly believe that this is the kind of advice that drove my generation out of church. While some of it is good advice (and there certainly is wisdom in reducing stimuli), you can't eliminate sexual references from your world completely, and I'm not sure you should since that in effect isolates you from so much of people and culture. And that's pretty much the biggest problem Christian singles have, is that the entire theology of sexuality that gets taught to singles is "Don't". and they're left with no idea how to handle it (especially if for whatever reason you aren't interested in marrying (or lack the means to do so) by about 25 then it feels like the church really leaves you hanging). And I think there has to be a better answer than deny the way God made you and pretend it doesn't exist (even if my current attitude of shrugging romance dating and sex off as, "Oh that's just not part of my life" is pretty similar to that; I'm under no illusions that such would work for most people).

 

[IToreTheSky]

Another thing that can help is to have a high value for other people as people God loves and values. And then realize that if you are interacting with them, and especially if you are dating them, then God has partially entrusted them to you and it's your responsibility toward God to treat them as one of God's treasures. And if you dare to say you love someone, then love them selflessly and well. Because it's never just about what you want or feel

Yes!!!! Excellent point cinder.

 

[Tararose]

So seriously, you're saying that the best way to deal with sexuality as a Christian single is to do your absolute best to remove any mention of sex and sexuality, any indication that they exist from your life?

And I'm taking issue with this because I firmly believe that this is the kind of advice that drove my generation out of church. While some of it is good advice (and there certainly is wisdom in reducing stimuli), you can't eliminate sexual references from your world completely, and I'm not sure you should since that in effect isolates you from so much of people and culture. And that's pretty much the biggest problem Christian singles have, is that the entire theology of sexuality that gets taught to singles is "Don't". and they're left with no idea how to handle it (especially if for whatever reason you aren't interested in marrying (or lack the means to do so) by about 25 then it feels like the church really leaves you hanging). And I think there has to be a better answer than deny the way God made you and pretend it doesn't exist (even if my current attitude of shrugging romance dating and sex off as, "Oh that's just not part of my life" is pretty similar to that; I'm under no illusions that such would work for most people).

We know temptation never stopped for lots of the monks and nuns who hid themselves away in convents and monasteries. Many genuinely misguided and believing they were doing Gods will, and desiring to escape the world and deny their flesh by shielding from it.

But, if someone says it isn’t a battle for them Then that’s great, maybe their flesh is weak in some other way that isn’t as obvious... hormone levels also differ greatly in individuals meaning the battle is naturally more intense for some than others... only God knows to what degree someone is fighting Off Temptation at any given time. We must be careful not to judge others by our own experiences.

But for most of us humans it is a battle and lot of the problems come from within not from without. In countries where women are dressed head to toe in loose unflattering material and you can barely see their eyes and nothing else, they still have victims of rape, and men will still turn to other men if the women are too well guarded.

It of course doesn’t help we have sexual images flaunted on every billboard, news and media outlet (and half dressed women and even men in clingy tops and tight jeans in Church!)

Thank God we can boldly come to our compassionate saviour for help to overcome When we feel tempted and weak. He has already provided a means of escape and can always give us the strength to take it.

 

[Scribe]

So seriously, you're saying that the best way to deal with sexuality as a Christian single is to do your absolute best to remove any mention of sex and sexuality, any indication that they exist from your life?

And I'm taking issue with this because I firmly believe that this is the kind of advice that drove my generation out of church. While some of it is good advice (and there certainly is wisdom in reducing stimuli), you can't eliminate sexual references from your world completely, and I'm not sure you should since that in effect isolates you from so much of people and culture. And that's pretty much the biggest problem Christian singles have, is that the entire theology of sexuality that gets taught to singles is "Don't". and they're left with no idea how to handle it (especially if for whatever reason you aren't interested in marrying (or lack the means to do so) by about 25 then it feels like the church really leaves you hanging). And I think there has to be a better answer than deny the way God made you and pretend it doesn't exist (even if my current attitude of shrugging romance dating and sex off as, "Oh that's just not part of my life" is pretty similar to that; I'm under no illusions that such would work for most people).

If you are planning to stay celibate the rest of your life the plan would be 1) is it practical for you? Do you have that gift? If not then plan on getting married instead.

If you do have the gift but don't want to be foolish and see how close to the flame you can get before you feel heat then don't expose yourself unnecessarily , to the flames. Don't watch ungodly entertainment. That will plant seeds in your mind that will grow. It will warp your world view. I don't care if you disagree with me or not, it's a fact.

If you have decided to marry because you know that you do not have that gift the same advice applies. While you are meeting and developing relationships with friends in church that will one day result in finding that one you are interested in marrying you will need to keep your mind pure by how your control your thoughts.

It is not that hard to stay holy and pure when you are experiencing the daily sanctifying power of the Holy Ghost by not yielding to fleshly thoughts and actions. Yielding your mind to the thoughts of the Holy Spirit and to deeds of the Spirit will make you a slave to righteousness, it will be what comes first rather than being such a struggle. The resisting of sexual impurity will become habit, it would take a slow fade to fall.

The solution is to renew your mind with the Word of God. Soon you will find that the transformation of the mind by the Spirit will empower you to control impulses and you will not be overwhelmed with urges that you can't control.

If you speak out loud and pray, and worship the Lord out loud with your mouth in the moment of temptation that also helps. For example. If you find yourself is some sort of battle just begin to worship the Lord and say...

"Thank You Jesus, You have saved me and made me holy in your sight and I thank You.
Thank you for making me the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.
I so appreciate what you have done for me in cleansing me and making me white as snow.
Though my sins were as scarlet now I am white as snow and I love this Fellowship with you and the Father.
Oh Jesus I do not want anything to come between this precious love we have and this clear conscience you have given me by making me free from sin and lusts."

Just keep that up and you will soon find you have total victory. It really works. It is called Submitting to God, resisting the devil and he will flee from you.
This advice never drove any young person out of church. The only ones who reject it are those who don't do it. Of course it wont work if you don't do it and look for some other answer.

Loving Jesus more than you love sin is the answer for overcoming any temptation. Also remember that there is always a way out, and usually it starts with a simple decision to look for the way out and decide you would rather die than to deliberately grieve God's heart with sin again. When God sees that kind of heart of faith and love he will move heaven and earth to come to your aid and help you in your moment of temptation.

For those who have fallen into sexual sin in the past but have returned to the Lord and do not want to ever fall again, they understand what I am talking about. And that is why I suggest a song like the one below in the moment of temptation. There are other songs they could find but having a good worship song that means something to you and helps you focus on Jesus is a good weapon to have in your arsenal when doing battle against temptations:

 

[Tararose]

If you are planning to stay celibate the rest of your life the plan would be 1) is it practical for you? Do you have that gift? If not then plan on getting married instead.

If you do have the gift but don't want to be foolish and see how close to the flame you can get before you feel heat then don't expose yourself unnecessarily , to the flames. Don't watch ungodly entertainment. That will plant seeds in your mind that will grow. It will warp your world view. I don't care if you disagree with me or not, it's a fact.

If you have decided to marry because you know that you do not have that gift the same advice applies. While you are meeting and developing relationships with friends in church that will one day result in finding that one you are interested in marrying you will need to keep your mind pure by how your control your thoughts.

It is not that hard to stay holy and pure when you are experiencing the daily sanctifying power of the Holy Ghost by not yielding to fleshly thoughts and actions. Yielding your mind to the thoughts of the Holy Spirit and to deeds of the Spirit will make you a slave to righteousness, it will be what comes first rather than being such a struggle. The resisting of sexual impurity will become habit, it would take a slow fade to fall.

The solution is to renew your mind with the Word of God. Soon you will find that the transformation of the mind by the Spirit will empower you to control impulses and you will not be overwhelmed with urges that you can't control.

If you speak out loud and pray, and worship the Lord out loud with your mouth in the moment of temptation that also helps. For example. If you find yourself is some sort of battle just begin to worship the Lord and say...

"Thank You Jesus, You have saved me and made me holy in your sight and I thank You.
Thank you for making me the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.
I so appreciate what you have done for me in cleansing me and making me white as snow.
Though my sins were as scarlet now I am white as snow and I love this Fellowship with you and the Father.
Oh Jesus I do not want anything to come between this precious love we have and this clear conscience you have given me by making me free from sin and lusts."

Just keep that up and you will soon find you have total victory. It really works. It is called Submitting to God, resisting the devil and he will flee from you.
This advice never drove any young person out of church. The only ones who reject it are those who don't do it. Of course it wont work if you don't do it and look for some other answer.

Loving Jesus more than you love sin is the answer for overcoming any temptation. Also remember that there is always a way out, and usually it starts with a simple decision to look for the way out and decide you would rather die than to deliberately grieve God's heart with sin again. When God sees that kind of heart of faith and love he will move heaven and earth to come to your aid and help you in your moment of temptation.

For those who have fallen into sexual sin in the past but have returned to the Lord and do not want to ever fall again, they understand what I am talking about. And that is why I suggest a song like the one below in the moment of temptation. There are other songs they could find but having a good worship song that means something to you and helps you focus on Jesus is a good weapon to have in your arsenal when doing battle against temptations:

a lot of good and helpful practical advice. thanks for sharing how you overcome. love the suggestion to worship, really does help

the song is really lovely. I have never heard it before. Thanks for that too

 

[Scribe]

Another thing that can help is to have a high value for other people as people God loves and values. And then realize that if you are interacting with them, and especially if you are dating them, then God has partially entrusted them to you and it's your responsibility toward God to treat them as one of God's treasures. And if you dare to say you love someone, then love them selflessly and well. Because it's never just about what you want or feel.

You really hit the nail on the head here. This is no joke with God. I recently had a glimpse of this from God's view and it crushed me. I was overwhelmed with horror when I saw how I had treated someone in my past. That they were a wayward soul that Christ died for and whom He was seeking and calling to Himself and that I would try to get them to sin and how it would anger the God who was calling them to repentance and to come home but I was being used as a demon to interfere with that relationship with God that they were supposed to be having.

Like a Father searching for his wayward daughter and the pain he must feel if she is giving her body away in fornication and lusts. And the anger he would feel at the men who would take advantage of her. Such ANGER! And I saw my self in the past being that demon that would interfere with God calling his daughter to holiness, and I abhorred myself.

I knew I was already forgiven for these past sins long ago, but I never quite had the revelation of the wickedness one is guilty of when they attempt to convince a daughter of God to sin against Him. It made me shudder to my bones. And then I began to worship Him for showing me these things the way He sees them and I agree with you ... "seeing it the way God loves and values them" will help you tremble in the fear of God and not DARE cross that line, if you are actively Loving God with all your heart, soul, body, mind and strength.

 

[Lanolin]

Its a bit devastating to be personally taken against your will, or maybe to realise afterward that, having fornicated it gave you a thrill but left you with nothing as well...and an empty heart (or maybe, for some women -having to make a heartbreaking descision you dont really want to make)

I think for men it can be a difficult road because they are not really able to hide their passions. Everyone can usually tell what a sleaze looks like a much as people can recongnise a prostitute. It may even be the vibe that people give off.

for those called to stay single and celibate, God helps us. We are walk out of the way of seduction and conversely, we dont set out to seduce anyone.

we concentrate on what God sets us on earth to do, and He gives us things to do. We are spared from having to contantly please someone else and be in sync with them and be bound to anyone. Its actually more freeing to be celibate/single than it is to be married in a relationship. Theres so much PRESSURE to be 'good' in a marital bed. for example..women will need to satsify a man even when they dont feel like it.
or man might ignore a women and she will feel the lack of physical affection and then try and find it somewhere else.

for one thing, well for women anyway...if celibate we go with the flow, we dont have to constantly check dates and fuss with appointments and what not. We dont need to worry about someone elses needs. we can more effectively minister to a greater number of people with their specific needs then to be the constant beck and call of someone else. Because instead of being momentarily sexually satisfied for what, however many times couples engage with each other in the flesh we can be spiritually satsified 24/7

it comes down to spirit vs flesh, and while Paul says in corinthians that he doesnt forbid anyone to marry, that has to be sanctified too, you cant just go ahead and. do it and think well Ive just done my marital duty, otherwise its really just the same thing as fornication, just with one person.

Paul advises that with married couples, the wife has not power over her own body, but the husbands. and the husband does not have power over his own body, but his wifes. what that means is theyve surrended power to each other. so a wife cant kill a child in her womb and say it only belongs to her and its her choice, because its her husbands child as well. and likewise the husband cant just do what he likes. He cant just grab her whenever and touch and squeeze her anytime. He can only do what his wife allows him!

 

[Aerials1978]

Cant be bothered to get into this but it you're trying to imply that impure sexual thoughts are nothing that we cannot do anything about then you don't fully understand what sin is then in this context.
Sin isnt just defined by what acts that we do...its also what we think,feel,motives.
So it I was constantly enjoying sexual fantasies about a female friend and secretly imagined having sex with her whenever she just said Hi to me....undressing her in my mind as she was innocently chatting to me...you're trying to tell me that I wouldn't be sinning just because nothing has been acted out?
yer right

Ah, no. That’s not what I’m saying. Everyone will have a some impure thoughts(Yes even believers). Now, does that impure thought linger and grow or does it flicker for a moment and than goes away. What carries more weight? That act itself of course.

 

[Kireina]

I wrote more than once here on CC about my sexual struggles...God knows how many times I failed Him...I failed Him again and again...Because of what I did I feel dirty...the shame and guilt haunted me I've messed up and fallen short of God's purity....

I am so grateful for God's goodness to me...so thankful for God's grace in my life now I am free 😇

I know how hard it is...the stronger our sexual desire the more stronger we fall to temptation of lust... the struggle is real some days it feels intense it feels like a giant mountain...sometimes I cried out to remove that desire from me and bring it back when I am married already I know that sounds funny but it is not...because I know that my will is not strong enough, God knows that.I need HIM.







To the person reading this God knows what goes on behind closed doors God knows the battle you are fighting, the sexual battle you are facing right now bring it to HIM God is greater than your struggle and my struggle. HE is still fighting for us 😇 keep on clinging onto the Lord Jesus. We can't do it apart from Him,only Him can help us 😇

 

[GaryA]

I think things get complicated with a person realizes that he/she doesn't like sex after getting married, or realize that sex didn't live up to its name. Many women like sex, but also many do not but are willing to go through with it for their husband and/or to have kids. People who have had sex with multiple people say that certain partners satisfied them more than others. So, it could be a case of the person realizing that he/she is no longer interested in sex but also that he/she is not being satisfied with their spouse.

I believe this kind of complication most often occurs when people enter marriage with sex having too much "center focus" as the foundation for the marriage - as opposed to being only one of many equally-important parts of the marriage.

Also, if the attitude toward sex is more about being independently 'satisfied' by the partner rather than sharing the experience together (while obviously doing diligence to satisfy both - as a singular goal - without the expectation associated with "I satisfy you; you satisfy me."), the "realization" of not being 'satisfied' is more highly probable. Why? Because of the "selfish" intent of that kind of attitude.

Guys, don't confuse what I am saying in the previous paragraph with the idea that - because (assuming 'normal' physical functionality) you are "going to get yours" - therefore, your focus needs to be on insuring that she "gets hers" - anything less than this is selfishness on your part.

If sex "doesn't live up to its name", then it is most likely because the attitude towards it is wrong.

Sex, just like the marriage itself, should not be "a means to an end"; rather, it should be a 'journey' - shared together - enjoyed together.

Work at it. Develop it. Improve it. Enjoy it!

It should be thought of in terms of it being an on-going process (to make it better continually) - not a series of disjointed "attempts" at 'satisfaction'.

If you base the marriage too much on sex - it is no wonder why you would become dissatisfied with your spouse simply because you decide you are less interested in sex. It is the sex you wanted - not a life-partner to share in a life-journey.

If the life-journey is the most desirable, most important thing in the relationship (as its foundation) { Please understand the context; I am not leaving God out; He should be at the center of every marriage. } - everything else - including sex - becomes "small potatoes" - because - "the most important thing" has already been decided and agreed upon - as being "the most important thing" - meaning - it reinforces the 'attitude' of the relationship as one that says:

"No matter what - come-hell-or-high-water - we are going to make it work."

This may sound a bit too "idealistic"; however, the fact it - it works - if you want it badly enough.

So the question becomes - what do you want and how badly do you want it?

In general - I believe that - if someone does not enjoy sex with their spouse, it is because one or both of them are taking the wrong approach...

In general - I believe that - certain "compatibility factors" are necessary for a particular man and a particular woman.

But - if you have that - there is no reason why the two cannot have great sex together IF they "go about it the right way"..

 

[GaryA]

..., because I was also frustrated with my own experiences at not being able to find someone to "really" talk to.

This is but one of the many reasons for wanting the married life - a trusted-closest-best-friend (the way it should be in a marriage, at least) - who you could talk to about 'certain' things that you would never talk to anyone else about.

 

[Lanolin]

I think when you sin ie act out sin WITH someone that of course affects the other person. If you just maybe thinking of it but catching yourself and recognising it as an impure thought then you can do something about it and dismiss it.

some people have suicidal thoughts but they know that its wrong to think that way, though they often dont know where the thought comes from, cos who would really WANT to have suicidal thoughts.
it is the similar with sexual thoughts. Children usually dont have sexual thoughts at all cos their bodies just dont have the hormones to even process them. but if they are exposed to porn or molested, they will be damaged because they often dont have the power to say no and their bodies cant process it. and most survivors of sexual trauma do know its something in complete violation of their bodies.

with adolescents, and going on to adults as we mature, we need to train outselves to control our bodies. we also,learn how to treat one another with care.

women, start covering up our tender and private parts...we dont let it all hang out at all times. we learn about modesty.
men will start using their excess energy or drive and channel it into sports or physical activities. They learn what their strength is for.

again its not wrong to marry, but fornication in itself a lot of people dont count the cost of all the dramas, the intrigues, the lost love children, the adoptees, the half and steps brothers and sisters, or the abortions.

if you are going to go ahead then it must be Gods way.

I dont really find the sex thing problematic as you dont even need words for that. its not really something that im constantly wanting, needing or even thinking of all the time. (if it was id have had a dozen children by now probably)

But if you want to really talk with someone it can often be hard to find someone on the same wavelength, however Im so used to baring my soul to God in prayer or being quiet in His presence that I just dont feel like anyone else can take that place...and why would they? I know in many marriages wives dont talk about everything with their husbands and vice versa. while its good to have things in common, its also good to have things of your own, it just becomes a horrible power struggle otherwise.