Is It Acceptable as a Christian to Say That Looks DO Count?

[MahogonySnail]

Honestly I don't mind a bit of a beer gut on a woman as long as she dresses nicely. It's when they wear tight fitting and revealing clothing that's it's a problem.

 

[jgrig2]

yeah they count.

 

[Gojira]

Hey Everybody, With all the talk about what we hope to find in a spouse... I must say that I do admire the people who can say, "Well, looks don't really matter to me, it all depends on where their heart is with the Lord." I guess I wish I could say I were that advanced in my spiritual walk! So, how many Christians are willing to admit that yes, looks do count for something, and is it hypocritical or a "weakness of faith" to be willing to say that? Because even though we are Christians, we're still human... I could be wrong, but in some cases, I personally believe that some people "like" a certain "look" or even race for a specific, sometimes God-given reason. (This is NOT to say there isn't such as thing as being superficial, but I do think some preferences that we have are led by the Lord.) For instance, my little brother (who is white--brown hair, blue-green eyes, very athletic) got to a point where he told God he wanted to marry "a beautiful Asian girl," and his prayer was answered. She's native South Korean, a devout Christian, and an absolute doll. But her father told her to break up with him immediately when he learned his daughter was dating an American (interracial dating is frowned upon in Korea.) However, when her father met my brother--even though they did not speak the same language, her father somehow knew my brother had a sincere heart and gave his consent. Watching the challenges that they are going through in their marriage... including prejudice and bias... and how they are handling the situations they face with God's grace and strength, I truly believe God put it in my brother's heart to strongly be attracted and desire to marry an Asian girl for a reason. Now I'm not trying to say we should all be chasing after models. But I do wonder if maybe sometimes God has a purpose and maybe even a hand in what we seem to be attracted to looks-wise. What do you all think?

Both parties need to be sexually attracted to each other. Otherwise, what's the point? This may be looks-based, something in the character, or some combination thereof. But, whatever it is, you need to have those traits that turn the other on.

Ultimately, you have to be able to get beyond the outward appearance, since people age, tragedies happen (soldiers coming home disfigured), etc. But, I am a believer in making yourself as outwardly attractive as you can. Billy Graham even said something to this effect. And, while the Bible prioritizes character, it never condemns the desire for sexual attractiveness.

 

[seoulsearch]

Both parties need to be sexually attracted to each other. Otherwise, what's the point? This may be looks-based, something in the character, or some combination thereof. But, whatever it is, you need to have those traits that turn the other on.

Ultimately, you have to be able to get beyond the outward appearance, since people age, tragedies happen (soldiers coming home disfigured), etc. But, I am a believer in making yourself as outwardly attractive as you can. Billy Graham even said something to this effect. And, while the Bible prioritizes character, it never condemns the desire for sexual attractiveness.

The thing is, what happens when sexual attraction is lost?

I always hear about how important it is to be sexually attracted to each other or else the marriage won't work. And I understand that attraction is what gives off the initial "spark."

But what happens when each person gains 40 pounds (him, because a more sedentary lifestyle has caught up with him; her, from having their babies,) then loses their hair, and succumbs to wrinkles and gravity?

I've spent a couple of decades looking after and following older relatives, so many of the people I'm around have been married all their lives and certainly don't look like they did when they first got together -- many believe what's being said here, that there MUST be a sexual attraction -- and if they lose that attraction to their spouse, they go looking for someone else they hope to feel that attraction towards again.

Others are divorced or widowed, but many still haven't given up looking for love -- and are often getting scammed because of their determined belief in finding someone they are sexually attracted to (which often amounts to profiles of young, non-existent people on the internet.)

* My main question is, if sexual attractiveness is vital, what happens when it's lost in a marriage?

* What becomes of those who are no longer deemed sexually attractive, but are still desperately looking for love?

* And what happens to the marriage when sexual attraction runs into impotence, disability (unable to have sex,) or loss of desire? (Especially when it's only experience by one spouse, and the other is still burning as much as ever.)

* What advice do the people who say sexual attraction is vital have for these very real, often unavoidable real-life situations?

 

[Gojira]

The thing is, what happens when sexual attraction is lost?

I always hear about how important it is to be sexually attracted to each other or else the marriage won't work. And I understand that attraction is what gives off the initial "spark."

But what happens when each person gains 40 pounds (him, because a more sedentary lifestyle has caught up with him; her, from having their babies,) then loses their hair, and succumbs to wrinkles and gravity?

I've spent a couple of decades looking after and following older relatives, so many of the people I'm around have been married all their lives and certainly don't look like they did when they first got together -- many believe what's being said here, that there MUST be a sexual attraction -- and if they lose that attraction to their spouse, they go looking for someone else they hope to feel that attraction towards again.

Others are divorced or widowed, but many still haven't given up looking for love -- and are often getting scammed because of their determined belief in finding someone they are sexually attracted to (which often amounts to profiles of young, non-existent people on the internet.)

* My main question is, if sexual attractiveness is vital, what happens when it's lost in a marriage?

* What becomes of those who are no longer deemed sexually attractive, but are still desperately looking for love?

* And what happens to the marriage when sexual attraction runs into impotence, disability (unable to have sex,) or loss of desire? (Especially when it's only experience by one spouse, and the other is still burning as much as ever.)

* What advice do the people who say sexual attraction is vital have for these very real, often unavoidable real-life situations?

I think it depends on how "sexual attraction" is defined. What I mean is 'whatever turns the other on'. That could be looks, something in the way the other person carries him- or herself, etc.

For me, looks are important, but I thoroughly understand the need for things that go beyond the skin. Totally. I cannot be with a non-Christian, e.g. I have nothing in common with a non-believer, not enough to form an intimate union.

But, something about that person has to make me see them as a woman, and make me sexually want them. For most women, that has been certain physical traits. For a few (incl. one current female Christian friend), it's something less definable.

 

[seoulsearch]

But, something about that person has to make me see them as a woman, and make me sexually want them. For most women, that has been certain physical traits. For a few (incl. one current female Christian friend), it's something less definable.

I can certainly understand that.

But what happens when the physical trait that made you "sexually want them" goes away (such as breast cancer) or changes (the woman gains 50 lbs.)?

I'm not saying those are the traits you look for, I'm just saying, what happens if what made you sexually attracted to them goes away?

Most especially when it happens over a course of a marriage?

The reason I'm really digging at this question is because I ponder it myself. Having been replaced once, I have been asking myself ever since how anyone can find love when the things we are attracted to in people will almost undoubtedly change.

Rather, I find myself pondering God's command that no matter what changes (within marriage,) He commands us to stay with that person no matter what.

And if that's the case, how much stock can really be put into sexual attraction, even though we all pursue it?

 

[Gojira]

I can certainly understand that.

But what happens when the physical trait that made you "sexually want them" goes away (such as breast cancer) or changes (the woman gains 50 lbs.)?

I'm not saying those are the traits you look for, I'm just saying, what happens if what made you sexually attracted to them goes away?

Most especially when it happens over a course of a marriage?

The reason I'm really digging at this question is because I ponder it myself. Having been replaced once, I have been asking myself ever since how anyone can find love when the things we are attracted to in people will almost undoubtedly change.

Rather, I find myself pondering God's command that no matter what changes (within marriage,) He commands us to stay with that person no matter what.

And if that's the case, how much stock can really be put into sexual attraction, even though we all pursue it?

I haven't gotten there yet. But, if others can do it, I figure I'll get it all when I get there too

 

[Gojira]

I can certainly understand that.

But what happens when the physical trait that made you "sexually want them" goes away (such as breast cancer) or changes (the woman gains 50 lbs.)?

I'm not saying those are the traits you look for, I'm just saying, what happens if what made you sexually attracted to them goes away?

Most especially when it happens over a course of a marriage?

The reason I'm really digging at this question is because I ponder it myself. Having been replaced once, I have been asking myself ever since how anyone can find love when the things we are attracted to in people will almost undoubtedly change.

Rather, I find myself pondering God's command that no matter what changes (within marriage,) He commands us to stay with that person no matter what.

And if that's the case, how much stock can really be put into sexual attraction, even though we all pursue it?

Also... tastes change with age. Older men usually find older women attractive.

 

[Lanolin]

count for what?
you really want to have sex..is that it?

Or something else. Just being blunt here.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

The thing is, what happens when sexual attraction is lost?

Relationships aren't (or shouldn't be) that one dimensional.
Rather they should be evolving. Initial attraction is often based on nothing concrete. But then you talk and build a more valid reason. This continues for months along with all the excitement. The excitement wears off and up till that point you have either established something deeper that doesn't need excitement to maintain, or you realize there never was enough there to maintain a serious relationship.
If the relationship was solid enough to last the next step is growing the foundation. And finding new things that strengthen the relationship.
By the time marriage rolls around your relationship should be full of reasons beyond your first reasons of attraction, including looks.
Personally I decided to let people bypass appearance based attraction to me and went straight for the "we've been married a long time" look. That way when I get old and ugly nothing will change. Moral dilemma eliminated 😂😂

 

[Gojira]

I think there has to always be something to keep one another interested. It may or may not be based on outward appearance, but there should be something. Otherwise, if you lose interest in the sexual component, you have a roommate situation.

There are old couples I've heard about (I used to belong to a site devoted to Christian marital sex) who still go at it rather well. Obviously something else is there than youthful physiques. That's good and it's encouraging.

 

[Kacey]

I can certainly understand that.

But what happens when the physical trait that made you "sexually want them" goes away (such as breast cancer) or changes (the woman gains 50 lbs.)?

I'm not saying those are the traits you look for, I'm just saying, what happens if what made you sexually attracted to them goes away?

Most especially when it happens over a course of a marriage?

The reason I'm really digging at this question is because I ponder it myself. Having been replaced once, I have been asking myself ever since how anyone can find love when the things we are attracted to in people will almost undoubtedly change.

Rather, I find myself pondering God's command that no matter what changes (within marriage,) He commands us to stay with that person no matter what.

And if that's the case, how much stock can really be put into sexual attraction, even though we all pursue it?

When my husband started losing his hair and gained 50 pounds, I still wanted him. Because I loved him. That's what love in marriage is. This whole thread is depressing.

 

[Gojira]

When my husband started losing his hair and gained 50 pounds, I still wanted him. Because I loved him. That's what love in marriage is. This whole thread is depressing.

It doesn't have to be -- though you are still in the wake of the loss of your husband. Maybe this is not the best topic for you at this time?? I had to leave that marriage bed site I was on after my honey passed.

Ultimately, this is a human reality that should be openly discussed. Men and women need to understand each other in general far better than they currently do -- IMO. Men are wired differently than women, and women will never be fully understood by men. But, we have to try to get a better understanding at least so that our respective needs are met in a marital situation.

Men, generally, are visual. But, tastes vary a lot. So don't let that get anyone down. I think I'm below average, yet over the past several years I've two very sexy women take a very... physical interest in me, much to my surprise.

Don't let it get to you. You got something to offer or else you wouldn't have attracted your hubby

 

[Kacey]

It doesn't have to be -- though you are still in the wake of the loss of your husband. Maybe this is not the best topic for you at this time?? I had to leave that marriage bed site I was on after my honey passed.

Ultimately, this is a human reality that should be openly discussed. Men and women need to understand each other in general far better than they currently do -- IMO. Men are wired differently than women, and women will never be fully understood by men. But, we have to try to get a better understanding at least so that our respective needs are met in a marital situation.

Men, generally, are visual. But, tastes vary a lot. So don't let that get anyone down. I think I'm below average, yet over the past several years I've two very sexy women take a very... physical interest in me, much to my surprise.

Don't let it get to you. You got something to offer or else you wouldn't have attracted your hubby

 

[Kacey]

Don't find it sad for me personally, sorry for the misunderstanding. Sad for humanity. We are to be sat apart from the world.

 

[katheren]

Hey Everybody, With all the talk about what we hope to find in a spouse... I must say that I do admire the people who can say, "Well, looks don't really matter to me, it all depends on where their heart is with the Lord." I guess I wish I could say I were that advanced in my spiritual walk! So, how many Christians are willing to admit that yes, looks do count for something, and is it hypocritical or a "weakness of faith" to be willing to say that? Because even though we are Christians, we're still human... I could be wrong, but in some cases, I personally believe that some people "like" a certain "look" or even race for a specific, sometimes God-given reason. (This is NOT to say there isn't such as thing as being superficial, but I do think some preferences that we have are led by the Lord.) For instance, my little brother (who is white--brown hair, blue-green eyes, very athletic) got to a point where he told God he wanted to marry "a beautiful Asian girl," and his prayer was answered. She's native South Korean, a devout Christian, and an absolute doll. But her father told her to break up with him immediately when he learned his daughter was dating an American (interracial dating is frowned upon in Korea.) However, when her father met my brother--even though they did not speak the same language, her father somehow knew my brother had a sincere heart and gave his consent. Watching the challenges that they are going through in their marriage... including prejudice and bias... and how they are handling the situations they face with God's grace and strength, I truly believe God put it in my brother's heart to strongly be attracted and desire to marry an Asian girl for a reason. Now I'm not trying to say we should all be chasing after models. But I do wonder if maybe sometimes God has a purpose and maybe even a hand in what we seem to be attracted to looks-wise. What do you all think?

i think he does indeed and the timing and place cn be inportant to

 

[katheren]

Don't find it sad for me personally, sorry for the misunderstanding. Sad for humanity. We are to be sat apart from the world.

and not dwell on earthly things
and not dw

 

[katheren]

 

[seoulsearch]

When my husband started losing his hair and gained 50 pounds, I still wanted him. Because I loved him. That's what love in marriage is. This whole thread is depressing.

and not dwell on earthly things
and not dw

I understand that these subjects are hard to talk about, but I've always been the person who wants to talk about the things people don't like talking about.

I am overjoyed for people who stay in lasting marriages. My entire family has managed to do that, except for me. I was married in my 20's for a brief time, and my husband left me for a taller, thinner redhead we worked with.

When I bring up topics like this, these are the situations I am thinking about (whether it's men or women, because we all know plenty of men get left behind as well,) because it's a reality for many people.

As for "not dwelling on earthly things" -- I know we are to keep our eyes on the heavenly, but there is no choice but to deal with this earthly life in the meantime.

I was mentioning in another thread that my marriage ended when I came home from work, found half the house gone (he had moved out without telling me,) and then got papers saying, "You Are Being Sued for Divorce" in the mail. I was talking about what a shock the whole thing is, how your spouse can be your spouse one day, and a stranger in the world the next. And you're left to deal with the aftermath, such as paying for all the bills by yourself.

I was 25 years old. Christians helpfully told me that God hates divorce and I needed to stay alone for the rest of my life in order to obey His commands. And some still like to helpfully remind me of that.

I agree that it's all about God's will. The fact that it has been so long and I've never remarried might very well be God wanting me to stay single, but I do believe He might have it in His will for me to remarry someday. Either way and if not, I've learned to accept it, but it's taken a long time.

One of the Christian dating sites on used to have chat rooms arranged by age. In the room I frequented, there were often much older people roaming the rooms looking for someone 10-20+ years younger. Inevitably, looks are very important to most people. I've often said that I think the Christian population is even more demanding than the world, because most Christians believe "God only wants THE BEST for me," and they assume THE BEST means the best-looking, most financially secure person.

Life is a very ironic thing. Now I am often running into people a little bit older than me who didn't understand my being divorced, but they are now divorced or widowed themselves, and so they find themselves facing singleness as well.

Every now and then I write humorous threads, but most of the discussions I start are the things most people like to sweep under the rug, which is exactly why I like exposing them.

 

[Lynx]

One of the Christian dating sites on used to have chat rooms arranged by age. In the room I frequented, there were often much older people roaming the rooms looking for someone 10-20+ years younger. Inevitably, looks are very important to most people. I've often said that I think the Christian population is even more demanding than the world, because most Christians believe "God only wants THE BEST for me," and they assume THE BEST means the best-looking, most financially secure person.

If that's the case, I have been gypped! I demand a refund! All the people I fall in with are the kind I need to help with something.

And that's cool. My life has not been wasted. But that part about a spouse who is the best looking and most financially secure sure does sound good...