First of all, you are doing amazing in that you keep at it. How encouraging is that....very. I spend hours studying too. It's interesting that you mention not being able to drink coffee. I am on day 3 without it, because I struggle with sleep so it is helping me to NOT drink it. I think that I have a caffeine sensitivity, so I understand. Please stay away from the vodka. Umzzza. Have you ever considered like group counseling? It is less expensive and you can meet others who sometimes go through some of the stuff you go through. You sound like you are very hard on yourself. You don't have to understand religion, just spend time praying and singing worship songs and read the word just a little at a time every day. I know folks like me want to give you advice when maybe what you need is just someone to listen. Have you ever talked to God like you just did here? I appreciated your transparency. J know He does even more. Thank you so much for responding. You matter and I care. I will keep praying for you and your school work. I pray also that you can find a tutor and some counseling.
There is a verse in Jeremiah that says...
"Behold, I am the Lord , the God of all flesh; is anything too difficult for Me?"
Jeremiah 32:27 NASB
Read that over and over, meditate on it, let it refresh and strengthen you. He loves you so much. Lean into the one who can do all. He wants to equip you. You are a blessing umzza and I want to help, so reach out if you want or need. But also seek some professional help. There are resources available. We all need help from time to time in different areas of our lives.
You know what I read when you share your frustrations? You are a fighter, a warrior who doesn't give up even when it gets hard. Warm hugs dear Umzza. You are lovable and precious to me, but even more to God.