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A
Drove out to a dirt road beside a farmer's field 20 minutes outside of the city. Turned my car off. Sat there is silence, darkness, looking up at the stars and the airplane lights blinking as they pass by. I think I am trying too hard to be someone who I already am. I didn't buy a guitar today cus it's cliche. I write and maybe that's good enough for now. I feel like I am trying to chase rabbits down rabbit-holes, or grasp pieces of papers caught in an updraft. A part of me believes that I know myself very well, another doesn't and tries to seek ways to find identity. I don't want to be a cliche, I don't want to be someone who is trying too hard to prove someone. I want to be different.
My fear is that it has all been done before. That what I contribute doesn't have any significance. That it doesn't touch people. I think I write for other people. Write so I can connect with them. To make them feel what I feel. That is success to me. But I trip over words, and have a hard time trying to communicate what I am trying to get across. People have causes (especially INFPs self-develop through meaningful action, and being a part of something that matters), I think my cause is to move others. To make them feel deeply, reflect and grow. To shake them up from the shallow perverse juvenile society we live in, and truly feel something that fundamentally connects all human beings.
My fear is that it has all been done before. That what I contribute doesn't have any significance. That it doesn't touch people. I think I write for other people. Write so I can connect with them. To make them feel what I feel. That is success to me. But I trip over words, and have a hard time trying to communicate what I am trying to get across. People have causes (especially INFPs self-develop through meaningful action, and being a part of something that matters), I think my cause is to move others. To make them feel deeply, reflect and grow. To shake them up from the shallow perverse juvenile society we live in, and truly feel something that fundamentally connects all human beings.
P
I
A sense of destiny eliminates fear.
PERSONAL DESTINY
hmmm...something I seem to lack greatly.
Not sure if I believe the hype.
Accountability unto GOD
Brotherhood unto MAN
Commitment unto WOMAN
Dependency unto CHILDREN
***?????***
Roles in manhood...being a man? What defines my manhood...what should?
I've never felt too macho.
Can't fix a car engine
Not covered in body hair
Not into scratching nether places & drinking beer all day
Would rather watch Iron Chef than Nascar
...need more love,brotherly kindness,virtue,Godliness,knowledge,self control,perseverance!!!!
2 Peter 1:3-11
I feel kinda nauseous & my hands are like ice...am I dying? lol
A little each day. Maybe I should eat something...if I eat now then I won't want dinner,then I'll be hungry at 2am.
I want a cannoli.
PERSONAL DESTINY
hmmm...something I seem to lack greatly.
Not sure if I believe the hype.
Accountability unto GOD
Brotherhood unto MAN
Commitment unto WOMAN
Dependency unto CHILDREN
***?????***
Roles in manhood...being a man? What defines my manhood...what should?
I've never felt too macho.
Can't fix a car engine
Not covered in body hair
Not into scratching nether places & drinking beer all day
Would rather watch Iron Chef than Nascar
...need more love,brotherly kindness,virtue,Godliness,knowledge,self control,perseverance!!!!
2 Peter 1:3-11
I feel kinda nauseous & my hands are like ice...am I dying? lol
A little each day. Maybe I should eat something...if I eat now then I won't want dinner,then I'll be hungry at 2am.
I want a cannoli.
M
The wind's been blowing at a pretty consistent 25 mph all day. Snow. It's so...gross. The flowers are dead (rip...!! bahaha).
I worried, earlier today, that my spending time on the single's forum is misleading (after rip man sent me a message). But this is where the cool kids hang out, and I like to pretend I'm cool, so I hang out here. So, I stopped worrying about it and ate a cookie instead.
I worried, earlier today, that my spending time on the single's forum is misleading (after rip man sent me a message). But this is where the cool kids hang out, and I like to pretend I'm cool, so I hang out here. So, I stopped worrying about it and ate a cookie instead.
C
The house inside is quiet as the rain beats on the windows. The kids sleep completely trusting
God to watch over them and knowing Mom is there if they should wake. What I wouldn't give
to be like a child! It would be wonderful to "let go and let God" take complete control of my life.
Why is it we try so hard to be in control? Obviously as much as I like control, I am not good
at ordering my life the way I think it should go.
Is it time to open my heart to someone? It is amazing how much I have let God take control
in that area of my life. I am no where near as afraid as I was. What is the worst that can
happen? I may realize that it wasn't meant to be and that someone wasn't who they said
they are. I am thinking it is time to finally learn to live!!
The thunder rolls and the lightning streaks across the sky, but here in my heart peace resides.
God to watch over them and knowing Mom is there if they should wake. What I wouldn't give
to be like a child! It would be wonderful to "let go and let God" take complete control of my life.
Why is it we try so hard to be in control? Obviously as much as I like control, I am not good
at ordering my life the way I think it should go.
Is it time to open my heart to someone? It is amazing how much I have let God take control
in that area of my life. I am no where near as afraid as I was. What is the worst that can
happen? I may realize that it wasn't meant to be and that someone wasn't who they said
they are. I am thinking it is time to finally learn to live!!
The thunder rolls and the lightning streaks across the sky, but here in my heart peace resides.
R
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be able to read my cat's mind. I also wonder what nickname he would call me if his thoughts were converted into words. I wonder if it would be a flattering name, lol.
Some guesses of what he'd call me if he could talk:
"Big tall feeder #2"
"Hair girl"
"stompstomp"
"couch blob"
Or just simply...."friend" or "mom"
Who knows.
Some guesses of what he'd call me if he could talk:
"Big tall feeder #2"
"Hair girl"
"stompstomp"
"couch blob"
Or just simply...."friend" or "mom"
Who knows.
A
I feel that there has been a change within me, a shift of focus. And I am afraid. Terrified actually. I don't feel like I have much control. I am afraid of myself and my feelings (if that makes sense). I am looking at the rest of this year much differently than I did last year. I am burnt out from school and need a break. A part of me doesn't know if I will be back. I am scared because I don't trust myself. At this point I don't know if I am running towards something, or running away from it. I honestly don't know. All I do know is that I don't want to be in school anymore. I have been feeling down lately, not depressed, but just sad about things. I am usually able to identify why I feel the way I feel, but with this sadness, it is hard to put my finger on it. I don't understand it. It just lingers.
P
In bed looking at my ceiling .. I wonder what it would be like to go on a train ride.., silly I haven't done that before .. There's an Amtrak station in town.. would be fun to grab a back pack ,throw some books in , my camera and just do it !
Hmmm there's several
Stops through towns .. Might be an adventure to look into tomorrow ... I
Love sleep!!
Hmmm there's several
Stops through towns .. Might be an adventure to look into tomorrow ... I
Love sleep!!
