ArtsieSteph's dad's cancer superthread

[Miri]

Daddy was told to consider hospice. He’s shaking.

Hi Steph the thought of a hospice is really scary I know. It if helps they serve multiple
purposes and the one we have in my area is absolutely brilliant. Including providing
respite and short term medical care to get people back on track.

I have a friend who I’ve known for over 35 years. She has battled overian cancer
for over 5 years and has been in our local hospice several times over the years.
It’s much better than any hospital the staff are brilliant, they can’t do enough for you.

You can have whatever you want to eat and there are no set meal times, you eat when
you want. They work around the patient rather then around a hospital schedule.

They have also,provided support for both her and her husband and can provide counselling
and support filing in forms access to benefits and all manner of things.

Sadly she passed away recently but she also spent her final weeks in the hospice
instead of hospital. It was a far nicer calmer environment than a hospital.

Find out what you can about the hospice. If it’s anything like our local one they are
far far better than hospitals by miles. They are not as scary as they sound.

It would also be a far far better option than a psych ward for your dad.

 

[tourist]

Daddy was told to consider hospice. He’s shaking.

It may be the best thing at this time. Your dad is in a rough spot right now and I'm sure that this is very unsettling for everyone. It's hard to let go and let God. I understand this full well. Prayer said for all.

 

[tourist]

Hi Steph the thought of a hospice is really scary I know. It if helps they serve multiple
purposes and the one we have in my area is absolutely brilliant. Including providing
respite and short term medical care to get people back on track.

I have a friend who I’ve known for over 35 years. She has battled overian cancer
for over 5 years and has been in our local hospice several times over the years.
It’s much better than any hospital the staff are brilliant, they can’t do enough for you.

You can have whatever you want to eat and there are no set meal times, you eat when
you want. They work around the patient rather then around a hospital schedule.

They have also,provided support for both her and her husband and can provide counselling
and support filing in forms access to benefits and all manner of things.

Sadly she passed away recently but she also spent her final weeks in the hospice
instead of hospital. It was a far nicer calmer environment than a hospital.

Find out what you can about the hospice. If it’s anything like our local one they are
far far better than hospitals by miles. They are not as scary as they sound.

It would also be a far far better option than a psych ward for your dad.

My dad spent his last few days in a hospice. It was very much a caring environment. God bless the special kind of people that provide this type of care.

 

[ArtsieSteph]

Dad is weeping like a baby. He doesn't want to eat. I'm scared. So scared. He says he wants to just lay in the hospital and die but we won’t let him.

 

[tourist]

Dad is weeping like a baby. He doesn't want to eat. I'm scared. So scared. He says he wants to just lay in the hospital and die but we won’t let him.

When my dad was dying in the hospice from cancer the medications affected his mind and he could not think coherently. One day when I went to visit him the nurses told me that he was wandering around at night trying to escape. The last words that he said to me was "Jerry, I need to get out of here". I said "Dad, you can leave anytime you want'. He died the next morning during the night. I gave him permission to go home to be with the Lord. My mind was at peace after that last conversation knowing that my dad was no longer suffering and had gone on to a better place.

 

[Depleted]

I just wanna go home....

Can he? You guys are in the middle of moving, aren't you? The logistics of moving in itself is rough. Nothing is where its supposed to be, and it gets a bit worse right after the move because "where its supposed to be" is still in flux, or, worse yet, you don't remember where that is yet.

And I'm not saying he should never come home. God forbid. I hope he does come home again. But add the logistics of moving with the logistics of taking care of him, and I don't know if that's doable. Usually when a whole pile of heaping madness hits us, we drop a ball or three or ten. (I dropped cleaning all together, when John was in the hospital. Just not enough time for everything plus that, so dropped that.) But your dad plus moving? You really can't drop or slow down on either.

My dad is in hospice. It's different than hospital in that he's no longer able to just skip doing the daily essentials. (Alzheimer, so things like bathing, eating, and going to the bathroom have lost meaning for what he must do.) Someone is always trying to make sure he does the essentials. And yet, he's still free to get up and roam, if he wants to. (To and extent, since "Alzheimer.") It's the best of both worlds in that he's not like a patient in a hospital, (treated like a pin cushion with tests in-between blood draws and IVs), but still gets dignity as a person. And so much on the getting-help-as-needed-when-needed part. (Something hospitals aren't as good as, because they're overwhelmed with sick people needing tests and surgeries.)

And hospice isn't really the last leg. Well, it is that too, but it can be short-term or long-term. I can see it short-term for you guys until you're settled in the new place.

And not even settled. Just until there is more living space than boxes left to go.

He wants to go home. You want him to come home. Can he hold out until there is a real home to come to? Right now, you're kind of in-between homes.

You knew going into this that it was unlikely your father would survive this cancer. Every person I ever knew who had that kind of cancer, also had one goal vitally important to them. (Mom wanted the divorce to go through. My BIL wanted one last vacation in Disney World with his whole family. Happy's husband wanted to make sure she was in a good house before he left.) Your dad's goal was a new home that you guys could afford after he was gone. That is the thing he has been working like crazy to get, and sure enough, it's working. You are getting the one thing he wanted to make sure you would get.

It is his goal to get that, so he will make sure with all that is in him to experience that. And with that, I see hospice as something temporary until he can get what he wants most. Two out of three people I mentioned got what they wanted before they died. And it was a long difficult fight. (Still cannot believe BIL got a wonderful week-long vacation with his family in Disney World. And that week was as if he had no cancer.)

That does not mean your dad will die when he comes home to new home. It is likely, but don't ever dismiss the possibility of God's will.

John's goal was to grill a turkey. I was trying hard to figure out how to grill a turkey in a hospital room. (Never going to happen, but I was trying to figure it out. lol) I did figure out how he could grill in the nursing home. (Fire regulations say that would never happen, but I was hoping on the grounds without anyone noticing long enough that the turkey would be halfway cooked before they noticed. And then it would take them enough time of panicking that it would be finished before they figured out what to do about this charcoal grill. lol) He cooked it that summer. (And it was a disaster. Not enough coordination yet to pull it off.) The goal never ended though. He has since grilled turkey four times, grilled lots of other things whenever the weather cooperates, including grilling in January this year.

Getting a goal doesn't necessarily mean the end of life. The human will is very determined. God's will is above that.

I can see your dad in hospice for a couple of weeks while you guys work hard to settle in to new home.

 

[Depleted]

Dad is weeping like a baby. He doesn't want to eat. I'm scared. So scared. He says he wants to just lay in the hospital and die but we won’t let him.

Well, tough noogies! Tell him you guys went through all this trouble to get a new home because that's what he wanted, so he has to keep fighting until he experiences that house! This move was always his goal, so give him that to fight for.

When he gets that, then everything will be okay. There really is a time to quit, but until he gets that goal, that time is not here.

And do understand Mom never got those divorce papers. But it was the thing she fought for that helped her go from "three weeks, three months, six months, who knows" to ten months! There is fight left in your dad. An infection didn't kill Mom, although she had those too. Cancer killed her.

She gave me something in that. A fighter's spirit.

And if you don't want to tell your dad that from you, tell him that from me. He deserves to spend a little time in his new house. That may well be his finishing line, but do what is needed to get him there. For his sake and your whole family's sake.

 

[ArtsieSteph]

Tried to get him to eat and he still won’t.

 

[tourist]

Tried to get him to eat and he still won’t.

The reason for that might be because he can no longer tolerate eating the food that he really enjoys. Perhaps there is something that he really enjoys to eat that he can somewhat tolerate without getting sick or interfere with the digestion process.

 

[ArtsieSteph]

The reason for that might be because he can no longer tolerate eating the food that he really enjoys. Perhaps there is something that he really enjoys to eat that he can somewhat tolerate without getting sick or interfere with the digestion process.

Maybe....I can try. It’s just that to urvive he has to have those specific shakes.

 

[tourist]

Maybe....I can try. It’s just that to urvive he has to have those specific shakes.

I understand that but your dad needs to have something to look forward to that he enjoys to strengthen his will to live.

 

[ArtsieSteph]

He didn’t go for it but he’s been randomly eating. Though not getting up. And sleeping a LOT.

 

[notuptome]

Cancer took my mom at the age of 50. Very painful way to go but God was merciful in that she did not suffer for a long time. There was no treatment available and the cancer was very aggressive. She knew the Lord and we are comforted in that fact.

There are many things that we simply cannot control. These are the things that make trusting in the Lord more than just words.

For the cause of Christ
Roger

 

[ArtsieSteph]

He thinks he doesn't believe in God anymore...so he’s in turmoil...

 

[ArtsieSteph]

There giving him lorazepam to calm down.

 

[Depleted]

Tried to get him to eat and he still won’t.

Do you know where the blender is? (Sounds like a weird question, but we lost ours in a move for a whole year. lol) He has to drink that stuff, but is there a rule that says you can't spike it up a bit to taste different/familiar/yummy? Got bananas? Take half a banana and put it in the blender. Add the protein shake and blend until you can see no chunks of banana left.

I spent quite a lot of time coming up with ways John could taste something without it being only the stuff they'd they'd let him drink/eat. (At first it was only drink, so I included things like squash soup, since we drink soup. lol) I still add protein powder to our strawberry milk shakes two years later. I got pretty good at hiding the boring flavors he was forced to consume for a while.

And, honestly, I'm pretty sure sometimes the only reason he did consume what I gave him is because he thought, "She went through all this trouble, so the least thing I can do is drink it." (Although, he even admits that my revised coffee tasted terrible, so he couldn't drink it. lol)

If worse comes to worse, they will feed him through a tube. I just did all that was within my power to avoid that. (And was quite unsuccessful for FIVE months, too. )

 

[Depleted]

He thinks he doesn't believe in God anymore...so he’s in turmoil...

Ask him the obvious question: "Do you not believe in God or are you truly furious with God?"

Because furious is still believing in God. But it makes you go in a different direction. "Since God really is, what do I do with this true anger at him?"

It never stopped me from being furious, but at least I got over wondering if I was saved. And then I had to deal with the next obvious -- since God is, and God is who he says he is, then what am I doing being furious with him?

No idea where your dad will take that. Of all the things thrown my way, dying wasn't one of them. But I know, for me, it took me to the place of wondering "Who do I think I am to be furious with God?" Rather a humbling moment, but not a spot I would have come to if I was continuing to keep saying "There is no God because he wouldn't make me go through this if there was."

And I really get being in that spot too, thus asking that first question helps.

 

[blue_ladybug]

Ask him just who it is that he thinks has brought him through this, so far. It ain't him, it ain't you, and it isn't mommy... He still believes in God, it's just the fear getting to him.

He thinks he doesn't believe in God anymore...so he’s in turmoil...

 

[ArtsieSteph]

Every time he’s awake he cries. Then falls asleep from exhaustion like s little baby...my daddy....my poor poor daddy...

 

[blue_ladybug]

I wish I could hug you, Steph. My own daddy is in surgery right now on his heart (see thread in prayer forum for more info) and I'm trying not to worry. It's a several hours long surgery... But I digress.

The last thing YOUR daddy needs is pity.. Don't pity him, don't baby him or coddle him. Just keep re-assuring him that Jesus is right there with him, and with you all, every step of the way through this. Things are dark now, but just remember that the light WILL shine again..

Every time he’s awake he cries. Then falls asleep from exhaustion like s little baby...my daddy....my poor poor daddy...