Why are women in the church judged for being hypergamous?

[Lanolin]

no its just economics of raising family. Home economics
Do not people study that in school anymore. They expect it costs nothing to raise a family? To run household, to feed and clothe yourself and your children. What planet they living on? Do they want their children to be labourers at 12 years old because that is what people actually do to feed thesmelves. If they cant they steal. Basic living!

The christian thing to remember is God is our Father and He provides our needs and it will always be enough if we trust Him. Jesus is the BREAD and is enough for our spiritual sustenance, how much more our physical sustenance. Remember when Jesus was in the wilderness and there was nobody around him and he was hungry. Satan offered him all the kingdoms of the world if he would bow down and worship him. But he refused.

Angels ministered to him when there was nobody. So you dont have to marry a king or feel like you have to be one like solomon who housed his 900 wives or whatver crazy amount it was.

 

[hummingbirdie]

Well you are certainly allowed to entertain your own expectations concerning what you believe are personal requirements with regards to how you view 'husband material'.

That being said, I'm kinda curious as to how you go about informing men you find do not qualify for the above, of your personal expectations

I understand what you say about things would probably/possibly change if children were to come into the picture. So, it seems you are looking ahead in a practical manner.

I don't think many understand just how much money/income, can become a major conflict in a marriage when there is a lack of it

The other thing to consider, is how responsible a man (or woman) may be from a money management position. No spendthrifts please

To be honest, I don't tell guys "you don't make enough." I just tell them that I am not interested. I had a conversation one time with some Christian friends (men and women) about this and all the guys told me that I am being ungodly for not wanting a man who makes less than me. To be fair, I think one of them was interested in me and my criteria excluded him so he was personally offended but I don't go around telling guys that they don't fit my criteria. And yes, as you have mentioned, money is a huge point of contention in marriages so I think finances are definitely something to consider when getting to know a man. I just find it interesting how some men cannot see women's perspectives on this but instead, call us unreasonable for these standards.

 

[Lynx]

Well you are certainly allowed to entertain your own expectations concerning what you believe are personal requirements with regards to how you view 'husband material'.

That being said, I'm kinda curious as to how you go about informing men you find do not qualify for the above, of your personal expectations

I understand what you say about things would probably/possibly change if children were to come into the picture. So, it seems you are looking ahead in a practical manner.

I don't think many understand just how much money/income, can become a major conflict in a marriage when there is a lack of it

The other thing to consider, is how responsible a man (or woman) may be from a money management position. No spendthrifts please

Never mind. Ignore what I said. Nikki already said it, and she said it better and shorter than how I said it.

It's bad enough that cinder keeps stealing my best thoughts before I can get to a thread. Now Nikki is beating me to the punch too. Grumble, grumble, grumble, grumble...

 

[Lanolin]

feminist movement only happened when world war 2 meant most of the able men got killed off. I think people forget that. Women took over because well, they had to. It was necessity. And found out they were just as capable. If you want to live in a world where all women are required to stay at home and men provide then sure live under Sharia law or something.

But you will find in segretated societies like that women are working working working all the time doing housework and emotional labour and putting food on the table while it seems a lot of men sit sround doing nothing.

if the house is already built and been in the family for generations and the land is there then maybe you can rest easy but many people dont live like that theres still caste systems, heirachies and things you have to learn to navigate. There is only limited amounts of land and rules about that. We are not in pioneer days anymore where land was apportioned by ballot or you were the first to win a plot or something. You now have to buy and sell, and unfortunately some people just have more than others.

if you want to be a gypsy and go from place to place then do it, make heap of money then go onto the next town though children generally adapt its not so easy for them but I expect it costs less to live that way. Your children are your investments in a sense. Jesus said about his Fathers house that he was going to prepare a place for us. Lord knows what he thought when it turns out the temple had been turned into a giant shopping mall instead of the house of prayer it was meant to be.

 

[MsMediator]

And yes, as you have mentioned, money is a huge point of contention in marriages so I think finances are definitely something to consider when getting to know a man. I just find it interesting how some men cannot see women's perspectives on this but instead, call us unreasonable for these standards.

Many men think that women are out to get their money or that women marry for money, so they are cautious about women asking about money.

 

[Lanolin]

To be honest, I don't tell guys "you don't make enough." I just tell them that I am not interested. I had a conversation one time with some Christian friends (men and women) about this and all the guys told me that I am being ungodly for not wanting a man who makes less than me. To be fair, I think one of them was interested in me and my criteria excluded him so he was personally offended but I don't go around telling guys that they don't fit my criteria. And yes, as you have mentioned, money is a huge point of contention in marriages so I think finances are definitely something to consider when getting to know a man. I just find it interesting how some men cannot see women's perspectives on this but instead, call us unreasonable for these standards.

do you just ask them how much money they make a year or something.
And then do calculations and think ho its more than me I can live off that. How much money do YOU make. Pin money or what.

You also have to consider the cost of the house and mortage that you have. No point not being able to make ends meet right. But how would you know the cost of living it could be cheap or expensive depending on your location. Or do you judge them by going oh that sounds like a high paying steady job youll never be made redundant from...

 

[Jimbone]

This is a good point. I'd like to add, however, that I would like to work part-time and/or work from home in my marriage. I will be contributing to the finances but not the majority of it. If I am to assume the majority of the domestic tasks, I would like a partner who makes more than I do.

Hey I think that's perfectly reasonable, and it honestly makes sense. I defiantly wouldn't think it was a bad thing for you to set standards. I do have a kicker of a question for you though, and Camron123 touched on it already, but I was to ask more directly. What if God wants you to be with a guy who doesn't fit your standards?

Please don't misunderstand or feel I'm trying to "getcha", but this is a lesson I learned myself the hard way, if God doesn't give you what you feel you want, but in the long run you end up having SO much better, are you willing to take what God gives you no matter what, without knowing that first, but trusting it?
Again please don't take this like I'm saying "the broke bar hopper down the street might be what you have to settle for", or anything crazy like that. Just more like " I find God very rarely gives us things the way we want them or see them coming to be."

I'm also more just putting the thought out there rather than asking you to answer it.

 

[Cameron143]

I think I just like the idea of being able to comfortably take care of my future kids on my husband's income. Growing up, my mother was a stay-at-home mom and she was able to teach me how to read and do math before I even got to school which helped me excel academically when I started school. Even without my anecdote, it is well known that having the mother stay home for her children's formative years is beneficial for them. Even if my desires are somewhat rooted in financial stability, are we not called to be wise in our decision-making? Is not possible to trust God for provision while simultaneously choosing a partner capable of providing?

Sure. You don't have to convince me. I was just trying to help inform your decision. It's your life. And I like that you see the value of a parent spending time with children in their formative years.
Something else worth considering: God is able to meet all your needs whatever they turn out to be. I went through a divorce and kept custody of our 7 kids. My kids were homeschooled. I was able to continue working and homeschool my kids and raise them alone. But I wasn't alone.
I share this with you because no matter how well you plan, there will come times when all your endeavor will be inadequate for your circumstances. More important than knowing what the future holds is knowing Him who holds the future.

 

[Snackersmom]

One thing I would not want is someone who makes much lower and wants to control finances. Men don't really have to worry about that

I totally get this. For me it's not about how much he makes, but rather is he fiscally responsible.

I knew a guy who made considerably more than I do, yet he spent it like water and was always living paycheck-to-paycheck, or worse. Meanwhile I had plenty of income left over to save for retirement. The thought of having to let someone like that make financial decisions for me was somewhat terrifying.

 

[Lanolin]

Ok how about you just marry a banker. It will be fine as they can just make money out of thin air and you can always get a loan.

The last memoir I read it was about a daughter of a banker. I dont think she was homeschooled but they went from place to place and her mother just followed her husband around. Daughter married a surgeon and never once asked how much money her husband made, but it didnt seem like it was any hardship except she began to hate staying at home all the time with her children I am sure that this was just completely normal to do that until they went to school at 5 years old

Though how many jobs can you actually say are secure for more than 5 years in THIS economy? Maybe years ago, but govts actually want people working, to raise GDP often they cant get men to do it, so they ask women to. Or they get immigrants. Then they dont expect oh these people may want to actually have families too.

 

[Lanolin]

Im just laughing at this because you would think from reading threads on CC singles the ONLY reason people ever go to church is because they want a spouse.

why not just call them. what people sem to want - marriage centres or wedding warehouses instead of thinking they are anything about Jesus and making disciples or salvation.

 

[Niki7]

Never mind. Ignore what I said. Nikki already said it, and she said it better and shorter than how I said it.

It's bad enough that cinder keeps stealing my best thoughts before I can get to a thread. Now Nikki is beating me to the punch too. Grumble, grumble, grumble, grumble...

well, a marriage based kind of question and I have some experience there

 

[Sculpt]

If I as a woman say that I want a man who makes as much as me or more, people in the church, usually men, are quick to tell me that that is superficial and ungodly. From a practical sense, however, I think that I am being very reasonable.

If we have kids, I would ideally like to work part-time or work from home while they are young so that I can take care of them while my husband works. If I am the breadwinner, this may not be feasible. It just makes sense for the man to be the breadwinner.

I have been met with hostility from men when they find out that I would not date a man who makes less than me. I don't think less of these men or think that I am superior. I just think that who I choose as my husband should be someone who is right for me -- someone who is able to be the breadwinner and provider if I have to scale back my hours when we have kids.

Is this not a reasonable stance?

I would just say it's very important that you tell the man you're dating that you have these hierarchy of values and they match his. Because if they don't match, you're headed for trouble. The man may start off with a higher income, and then God calls him to do something that doesn't fit your top value. If that happens, are you going to divorce him? Core faith values trump circumstances.

 

[Niki7]

To be honest, I don't tell guys "you don't make enough." I just tell them that I am not interested. I had a conversation one time with some Christian friends (men and women) about this and all the guys told me that I am being ungodly for not wanting a man who makes less than me. To be fair, I think one of them was interested in me and my criteria excluded him so he was personally offended but I don't go around telling guys that they don't fit my criteria. And yes, as you have mentioned, money is a huge point of contention in marriages so I think finances are definitely something to consider when getting to know a man. I just find it interesting how some men cannot see women's perspectives on this but instead, call us unreasonable for these standards.

yeah. got it. I have also offended men before getting married who thought I should have been interested in them. I find some men...and Christian men often enough...seem to think that they are God's gift. I would say more, but would possibly make some men dislike me

 

[Gojira]

I find some men...and Christian men often enough...seem to think that they are God's gift....

Yeah, I hear you. There's a difference between those of us who think they are God's gift to women, and those of us who actually are

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Hypothetically, if my salary was high and I wanted a man of equal socioeconomic status to marry (not even someone superior in that sense, but someone of the same tax bracket) would you see that as wrong? Again, it's for the reasons I outlined earlier. Often times, I hear men say "I don't care about a woman's income so why should she care about mine?" but men and women are different. Men aren't looking for a provider and women typically assume the majority of the domestic tasks. As such, I think it's reasonable for the person who is looking after the home and not contributing significantly to the finances to vet their future partner for the ability to financially take care of them at the level that they could take of themselves at had they been working.

Not wrong, no. The women I'm referring to want men 6ft+ tall, iPhone user (yes, that is a qualification for them), 6 figure salaries 100k or more engagement rings. And they want to stay home and 'do nothing' all day. But if they do decide to work all the money she makes is her money. While his money is also her money. These are real expectations of some women, mostly in their 20s, but certainly some older than that as well.

My thought is if anyone has a problem with you wanting equal pay out of a man you choose, especially enough to voice it to you, they can stick it someplace deep and dark.
But you'll also have to be aware the more you make the more that trims down your options.

 

[Moses_Young]

If I as a woman say that I want a man who makes as much as me or more, people in the church, usually men, are quick to tell me that that is superficial and ungodly. From a practical sense, however, I think that I am being very reasonable.

How does a practical sense fit into your equation? A man could earn more than you and it not be enough, or earn less than you and it be more than enough. It sounds more about pride than money, at least from the way you posted. And men aren't looking for competition in a wife - if a man wants competition, he finds another man. Hence all the complaints from women about second-rate men coming first in women's sports.

If we have kids, I would ideally like to work part-time or work from home while they are young so that I can take care of them while my husband works. If I am the breadwinner, this may not be feasible. It just makes sense for the man to be the breadwinner.

But a wife working from home might be distracted, and not look after the kids properly. Perhaps a future husband would want a full-time mum and wife, rather than a part-time mum and colleague or business partner?

I have been met with hostility from men when they find out that I would not date a man who makes less than me. I don't think less of these men or think that I am superior. I just think that who I choose as my husband should be someone who is right for me -- someone who is able to be the breadwinner and provider if I have to scale back my hours when we have kids.

Seems a bit silly that they are hostile. You are being honest, and they should thank you for it.

Is this not a reasonable stance?

No. You are putting your faith in your own strength, rather than in God, who provides us with all our needs.

1 Timothy 6:10 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows

 

[Lynx]

That makes this thread complete. It's not an official CC thread until it gets a Jesus-juke.

 

[Gojira]

Yeah, I hear you. There's a difference between those of us who think they are God's gift to women, and those of us who actually are

@seoulsearch INFORMATIVE?!? That was informative??!!??

 

[Mem]

I share this with you because no matter how well you plan, there will come times when all your endeavor will be inadequate for your circumstances. More important than knowing what the future holds is knowing Him who holds the future.

Why hasn't anyone provided an answer to Margaret Singer's solution of PP by establishing an UP, Unperturbed Progeniture.