Why are women in the church judged for being hypergamous?

[SoldierofChrist]

Calmador, well said.
Here's the reality. No amount of money will buy loyalty. And without a loyal, dedicated, steadfast man of moral fortitude that can withstand the hard times...and with 20 years of marriage to only one woman I can guarantee there are hard times, by our own doing and not. No amount of financial preparation or income will stay.

That said I believe that women are designed by God to desire stability and want to marry up. And hummingbirdie it sounds like you to bring a lot to the table. Virginity, youth, no kids...etc. These all have value to a potential mate. Good job.

That said a loyal and steadfast man that is a hard worker will be there when the times get tough. It's hard to find those qualities nowadays.

My business did over 300k last year. I pay myself 2k/month. We have a home, food, heat, schooling, vehicles, clothing, etc. We are frugal, we don't keep up with the Jones's. I could easily go into deep debt and look good like others. But we are solid. Even if my neighbors don't think so because we are not as polished and shiny as they are.

Things to consider.

 

[Lanolin]

I think the question should be how much the OP makes, and she would mention a figure and the potential guy has to match it or go above, like an auction.

Of course, in the old days brides were just sold rather than given away. You had to pay a bride price. Its called a dowry. The thing was it was whether the grooms family could afford to pay THAT not necessarily what he could potentially earn, because the ring and jewels had to be ready.

At least thats how it is in the Bible. remember Isaac sending Elziar buying Rebecca and giving her jewels. Then she left her family for someone she hadnt even glimpsed at!

I dont recall Rebecca asking hey this unknown guy how much is he going to earn. She knew he was rich because his servant bragged about it and didnt hesitate before she even met Isaac in person lol.

Talk about blind date. Oh and she wore a veil even , so he only laid eyes on her on the day of betrothal which was a done deal. Did not wait even 10 days.

 

[SoldierofChrist]

My initial reaction to the veil thing is to recoil...but there is some value to arranged marriages. They do tend to last a lot longer. Unfortunately that is mostly done in Muslim countries now and there are many other issues with their marriage contracts.

My web developer lives in Pakistan and the dowry there is crazy. He has to work like a dog for years to afford to marry off 1 sister and he has many (their dad died), and if he tries to skimp the brides new family will verbally abuse and ridicule her...forever. It's crazy.

But we may be hijacking this thread.

 

[Niki7]

Which I am quite adept at, rest assured

Yes. So adept, you need not have mentioned it.

 

[SoldierofChrist]

I posted this in another thread

Has anyone here read the book by Mrs. Norman Vincent Peale "The Adventure of Being a Wife"?

Very eye opening. She talks about how a wife can make or break her husband. How she is the force that can make him 10 times more successful, productive, and wealthy than he ever could have been alone.

I agree. I am going to give a personal example and I don't want you all to think I am sniveling but this is just facts from my life.

1. I get up at 0500 most every day and try leave the house by 0600
2. I get home around 2000 so I can spend an hour with the kids. They are all teenagers now so getting them to talk is like pulling teeth.
3. I never get hugs or kisses from my wife
4. I rarely get encouragement.
5. I have to pay my wife to make lunches for me.
6. Breakfast is rarely made for me.
7. I try to start a conversation with her and am usually ignored.
8. Kind words only come when she wants something.
9. Etc.

Now I know this is filled with I statements and is only one side of the story. But in our society today most everyone views relationship as a tax return. Married filing separately. What would happen if the wife supported her husband, encouraged, cared for, made a home that he wanted to come home to...nay was eager and couldn't wait to get home to. What if women started being a "Helpmate" again?

I know for me. I would be able to get at the minimum 10% more done. If not way more. My attitude would be better. Etc.

I'll end with this. My business did 300k last year if I could increase that by 10% that's an extra 30k. What could a woman do to increase her man's productivity by 10%?

 

[Snackersmom]

My point was saying to match her income may lead someone to think she'll continue working. And that the alternate way I suggested wording it may come across better.
At no point did I say it was wrong to want to change to a part time job later. Just to be more clear about what she's looking for.

I must have misunderstood your point, sorry about that . I guess it didn't occur to me that Hummingbirdie wouldn't be upfront with a potential mate about her intentions, because she has been so upfront here with us. But you raise a good point that the guy would definitely deserve to know her plans.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

I must have misunderstood your point, sorry about that . I guess it didn't occur to me that Hummingbirdie wouldn't be upfront with a potential mate about her intentions, because she has been so upfront here with us. But you raise a good point that the guy would definitely deserve to know her plans.

No worries. 🙂
I don't believe it's about her not being upfront. More of simplifying the message to be more clear is what I mean.

 

[Lynx]

A friend once said:

 

[Lynx]

(This topic gets discussed a lot in single Christian circles...)

 

[MsMediator]

I posted this in another thread

Has anyone here read the book by Mrs. Norman Vincent Peale "The Adventure of Being a Wife"?

Very eye opening. She talks about how a wife can make or break her husband. How she is the force that can make him 10 times more successful, productive, and wealthy than he ever could have been alone.

I agree. I am going to give a personal example and I don't want you all to think I am sniveling but this is just facts from my life.

1. I get up at 0500 most every day and try leave the house by 0600
2. I get home around 2000 so I can spend an hour with the kids. They are all teenagers now so getting them to talk is like pulling teeth.
3. I never get hugs or kisses from my wife
4. I rarely get encouragement.
5. I have to pay my wife to make lunches for me.
6. Breakfast is rarely made for me.
7. I try to start a conversation with her and am usually ignored.
8. Kind words only come when she wants something.
9. Etc.

Now I know this is filled with I statements and is only one side of the story. But in our society today most everyone views relationship as a tax mreturn. Married filing separately. What would happen if the wife supported her husband, encouraged, cared for, made a home that he wanted to come home to...nay was eager and couldn't wait to get home to. What if women started being a "Helpmate" again?

I know for me. I would be able to get at the minimum 10% more done. If not way more. My attitude would be better. Etc.

I'll end with this. My business did 300k last year if I could increase that by 10% that's an extra 30k. What could a woman do to increase her man's productivity by 10%?

I posted this in another thread

Has anyone here read the book by Mrs. Norman Vincent Peale "The Adventure of Being a Wife"?

Very eye opening. She talks about how a wife can make or break her husband. How she is the force that can make him 10 times more successful, productive, and wealthy than he ever could have been alone.

I agree. I am going to give a personal example and I don't want you all to think I am sniveling but this is just facts from my life.

1. I get up at 0500 most every day and try leave the house by 0600
2. I get home around 2000 so I can spend an hour with the kids. They are all teenagers now so getting them to talk is like pulling teeth.
3. I never get hugs or kisses from my wife
4. I rarely get encouragement.
5. I have to pay my wife to make lunches for me.
6. Breakfast is rarely made for me.
7. I try to start a conversation with her and am usually ignored.
8. Kind words only come when she wants something.
9. Etc.

Now I know this is filled with I statements and is only one side of the story. But in our society today most everyone views relationship as a tax return. Married filing separately. What would happen if the wife supported her husband, encouraged, cared for, made a home that he wanted to come home to...nay was eager and couldn't wait to get home to. What if women started being a "Helpmate" again?

I know for me. I would be able to get at the minimum 10% more done. If not way more. My attitude would be better. Etc.

I'll end with this. My business did 300k last year if I could increase that by 10% that's an extra 30k. What could a woman do to increase her man's productivity by 10%?

This marriage sounds like my grandparents' marriage when they were younger from what I'm told, though my grandpa didn't make that much. Beware, this disconnect between husband and wife could last well into elder years post retirement where they don't really have anything to talk about. My advice is for you to make more effort to spend time with your wife NOW by doing what she wants once in awhile.

 

[Gojira]

Yes. So adept, you need not have mentioned it.

Actually, when one is adept at something, they have an obligation to educate the public

 

[Lynx]

Actually, when one is adept at something, they have an obligation to educate the public

I dunno... There are some things I am good at, but people have asked me to please not educate them about.

 

[seoulsearch]

I dunno... There are some things I am good at, but people have asked me to please not educate them about.

Can I agree with this post twice?

Or maybe three or four times...

 

[2ndTimeIsTheCharm]

Who is "worthy" of such a man? I phrase it that way because I often hear people say "well, good luck" in a sort of condescending way when I bring up any sort of standard that involves wanting a man who is educated and career-focused (as I am). If I did not value education I would not have pursued a professional degree, so I think it's only fair to seek the attributes in a partner that I value in myself. The way I see it, I am holding my future spouse to the standard that I hold myself which to me is totally reasonable. I also want to add, in terms of what men are looking for, I think I possess those attributes as well: I am fit, mid-20s, I have no kids, I am still a virgin, etc.

I obviously want a man of God with good character but in addition to those things, I want a man who is hard-working, educated, and able to take care of his family at least at the level that I can. Inflation is very real and it's becoming increasingly difficult to live comfortably. I would not get married and have children if it meant living with financial stress or not being able to provide my kids with the tools they need to do well in life. Despite having my career goals, I would work-part time or put those goals on hold entirely for a man who is able to replace my earning potential and allow me to stay home and take care of our kids. I do not see a husband as merely a wallet, but I think I would feel more comfortable knowing that getting married did not mean I would have to relinquish what I sacrificed years achieve. It isn't even just for me: I want my future kids to grow in a safe neighborhood, attend the best schools, and have the tools they need to well because their parents did their due diligence to make sure that their kids did not suffer as a result of their poor financial decisions. I am not materialistic, or high-maintenance at all -- I am just very pragmatic and know that life is not free and that parents have a responsibility to provide for their children. Nothing worse than bringing kids into the world and not being able to take care of them.

Just ignore the nay-sayers. If God wants you to get married He will bring you two together and you'll be compatible! So bring God into your search for your husband. A good example is the story of Isaac and Rebekah. In the story, Abraham's servant was given the task of searching for the appropriate bride for Isaac. Pay attention to the prayer and how he recognized that Rebekah was the right one.

I will also pray for your success just as with the servant who found Rebekah for Isaac!


🐬

 

[Lanolin]

yea its exhausting being a wife but then thats what you signed up for if you married to care for the husband and his every need so that you dont even have your own name anymore. (Mrs Norman Vincent Peale) Problem is he may not feel he has to reciprocate and give a little back if the paycheck is deemed enough.
Then he might find a younger Mrs Norman Vincent Peale. I mean its ok if you both think money is superimportant then you on same page. But all that affection may have been spent on the children and Mrs probably doesnt expect her husband to need encouragement, hugs and kisses since hes now an adult and shes not really his mother.

I dont know, maybe should read the book. I thought Norman Vincent Peale was that get rich quick guy or positive thinker

 

[SoldierofChrist]

Mrs probably doesnt expect her husband to need encouragement, hugs and kisses since hes now an adult and shes not really his mother.

So, am I hearing you right? Adults don't need encouragement? Not asking my wife or encouraging women to be a Mommy to their husbands but a "helpmate". Just like a man is expected to protect, love, cherish, and support his wife.

I am so sick and tired of the one sided argument of how men need to do this and be this way but women have the prerogative to be and do whatever they want.

Life is difficult and always has been. It's better and easier when 2 can come together as a team. Supporting and encouraging each other.

I could go on this rant all night but I will stop now.

 

[seoulsearch]

I am so sick and tired of the one sided argument of how men need to do this and be this way but women have the prerogative to be and do whatever they want.
Life is difficult and always has been. It's better and easier when 2 can come together as a team. Supporting and encouraging each other.
I could go on this rant all night but I will stop now.

I want to assure you that there are plenty of women here who don't believe that, nor do they follow that narrative in our own lives.

I'm very sorry that you're going through such tough times in your marriage, and will definitely pray for you.

 

[SoldierofChrist]

I want to assure you that there are plenty of women here who don't believe that, nor do they follow that narrative in our own lives.

I'm very sorry that you're going through such tough times in your marriage, and will definitely pray for you.

That's good to hear as it is so prevalent in our society.

And thank you for your prayers.

Again I do not wish to make a pity party or a place to rant about my problems. I only mention them to give perspective and perhaps some validity to my comments.

That makes me think...do I really need to give validity to my comments? Probably not.

 

[GaryA]

I thought Norman Vincent Peale was that get rich quick guy or positive thinker

Napoleon Hill was the author of Think and Grow Rich. Norman Vincent Peale was the author of The Power of Positive Thinking.

 

[Moses_Young]

So, am I hearing you right? Adults don't need encouragement? Not asking my wife or encouraging women to be a Mommy to their husbands but a "helpmate". Just like a man is expected to protect, love, cherish, and support his wife.

I am so sick and tired of the one sided argument of how men need to do this and be this way but women have the prerogative to be and do whatever they want.

Life is difficult and always has been. It's better and easier when 2 can come together as a team. Supporting and encouraging each other.

I could go on this rant all night but I will stop now.

I agree with what you say, but there are all sorts on the internet. When people give advice, see what the effect has been in their own lives. Usually the only time I take advice from people with life issues is when they have identified the causes of these issues and repented, and are warning others from making the same mistakes. Often, taking the advice of people who have not identified these issues or their causes will simply lead to getting to know such issues first hand in your own life!