I have a 12 years old daughter and I recently (2 years ago) married a guy who was supposedly christian. We went to church together, read the Bible. After our marriage when we moved in together in our new condo, he started to change. He started to be verbally abusive, not just towards me but my daughter as well. He called us names, putting me and my daughter down, to the point when my daughter is "afraid" of him, not because he would ever physically hit her ( which he never did and would never do) but because of the yelling, name calling etc. We are walking on eggshells at home.....not knowing what we come home to. And it is getting worse and worse. Now he swears with God's name, calling me names...it's awful. He stopped coming to the church with us and now I'm at the point when I don't know what to do. I don't care how ignorant, rude, or un-loving he is towards me (which is very depressing) but it's very hurtful and unacceptable how he is towards my daughter. I don't want him to "ruin" her with his controlling and putting down attitude.....I'm so lost what to do. I know this is not a reason to get divorce, but what about my daughter? I can't have this man ruin her! ☹️
One important fact to consider, and feel free to research any of this yourself (in fact i encourage you to) is that abusive personalities rarely change. Typically there's a level of narcissism in abusers. Change requires admitting to your mistakes. If you think so highly of yourself you won't admit you're wrong, thus you can't change. And since typically abusers actually blame the victims for 'making them' act that way, there's further evidence.
Apologies are hollow without change. Many abusers will apologize after, grovel, buy gifts, etc... but this isn't out of any real regret or love, it's to convince you to stay. And this two sided behavior, abuse, then making up, often keeps the victim off balance and unsure of what to do.
To say he would 'never' be physical is Extremely naive. Granted not all verbal abusers become physical, but it more often than not is the precursor to physical abuse. So you're doing a disservice to yourself, and your daughter, by telling yourself this. I'm sure, before you were married you would've said 'he'd never yell at us, call names' but here he is doing it.
I was close friends with a woman that had been married to a verbal abuser. He was verbal for years and years, never once laying a hand on her. But about a year after they split, he pushed her, out in the open, into some bushes. Mind you this was a year After they'd been apart. And there were other signs that, after years of never being physical, he was getting close.
Right now what your daughter is learning is that A) this man is more important to you than her, because you let him stay and act this way B) this behavior is acceptable and not bad. So she runs a much higher risk of either repeating this behavior herself, or becoming the victim of it in future relationships, because that little voice in your head that says 'this is wrong' when it happens will be silenced from years of being taught it's ok.
I've known many women that came from both physical and verbal abuse. It has lasting effects, some that seem to never leave. The longer you stay the more you are allowing yourself, and your daughter, to be permanently damaged. Think about the weight of that guilt 20 years from now.
It's an unpopular belief among Christians, but i'm not convinced for one minute that God's intention in marriage is to force people into staying in dangerous, damaging situations in their own homes. God may not like divorce, but i'm also certain he does not like people breaking vows made to him and abusing the ones they swore to God to protect and provide for. I say get out of their, dump him like a saggy diaper, separate from him in every way possible and don't look back. Anything less, i feel, is a sin.
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