The Triage System of Dating -- What Happens When You're Put Behind a Gaggle of Other Candidates?

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seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#41
May 23, 2009
17,690
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#41
SirSolaScriptura said:
Yeah the Woman I fell for was Goth in sense of her interests. We had this realy intriguing mind link, where we would get same thoughts and say them at same time.. sigh.

Alas her interests bothered me cuz the romance books she likes are angels and humans, and demons, and so forth.. and I would never let those in my home.

One parent has Dementia, the other has COPD and had Cancer. My Siblings have their own lives and families so I do not call on them for help much.

Would I marry a Lady who had kids. Absolutely. I would see it as God letting me have a family when I have had to put in on hold for so long caregiving.

Ah Alcholism, Dionysus and Bacchus (gods, demons really of wine and beer) and Centaur who during alcholic bouts stirs men to violence and bouts of anger. Alcoholism caught my brother for a while, I do not touch alchole save for an rare ale with food, and Eucharist/Commmunion if they use real wine. I am always mindful that it is an easier snare because its socially acceptable and promoted in film, and groups outside of Church.

I think the healthy thing is when you find someone you are mutual caretakers, that is you help each other through life’s hardships. I probably would call it something else, more like mutually caring for one another. I get frustrated when people say “happy wife happy life,” yes, but she should be doing same back, “happy husband, happy life.” It’s suppose to be mutual, you love each other so much you both want each other to thrive.
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I'm very sorry this woman you like doesn't feel the same way, but it definitely sounds like you each have very different spiritual yokes (I know you know that already; I'm just speaking as an outside observer that maybe this is why so many of us find ourselves in similar situations -- because God knows how big the unequal yoking really is.)

Deepest respect to you for taking care of your parents -- that definitely sounds like an extremely challenging situation. And I completely understand. I'm in a situation where I feel like God has called me to be the one to look after my parents as well.

I will remember you in my prayers for caretakers, and the particular challenge of being a caretaker for others when you are single.

After raising your nephews and now caring for your parents, I would guess that you sometimes have feelings of, "God, when is it MY turn to LIVE?!" (Actually, those are my own thoughts at times, and I apologize if it seems I am unfairly projecting them onto you -- I'm just trying to say, I have a glimpse as to what this can feel like.)

May God bless all your hard work and I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going.
 
SirSolaScriptura

SirSolaScriptura

Active member
#42
Mar 10, 2025
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#42
seoulsearch said:
But you speak as if friend-zoning only happens to men.

All the single women I know are single because they've been friend-zoned as well.

Now granted, they're also content being so now, but of course, in some cases it involved a lot of heart-breaking and healing from the Lord to get past it.
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Oh I am sure it happens to women like you just shared. I tend to speak in “he” or masculine terms because I am a man. I do not mean to exclude Women from what I say.

I have dated a girl that was a friend. I did not have strong attraction, but time and our bond did develop into more. So I did not friend zone her eve though she was a friend, I actually said to myself, “she is one of my good friends, perhaps I should try dating.”
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#43
May 23, 2009
17,690
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#43
SirSolaScriptura said:
Oh I am sure it happens to women like you just shared. I tend to speak in “he” or masculine terms because I am a man. I do not mean to exclude Women from what I say.

I have dated a girl that was a friend. I did not have strong attraction, but time and our bond did develop into more. So I did not friend zone her eve though she was a friend, I actually said to myself, “she is one of my good friends, perhaps I should try dating.”
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Thank you very much for expanding on your thoughts -- very helpful for understanding one's experience. :)
 
SirSolaScriptura

SirSolaScriptura

Active member
#44
Mar 10, 2025
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Terra Firma (Earth)
#44
seoulsearch said:
I'm very sorry this woman you like doesn't feel the same way, but it definitely sounds like you each have very different spiritual yokes (I know you know that already; I'm just speaking as an outside observer that maybe this is why so many of us find ourselves in similar situations -- because God knows how big the unequal yoking really is.)

Deepest respect to you for taking care of your parents -- that definitely sounds like an extremely challenging situation. And I completely understand. I'm in a situation where I feel like God has called me to be the one to look after my parents as well.

I will remember you in my prayers for caretakers, and the particular challenge of being a caretaker for others when you are single.

After raising your nephews and now caring for your parents, I would guess that you sometimes have feelings of, "God, when is it MY turn to LIVE?!" (Actually, those are my own thoughts at times, and I apologize if it seems I am unfairly projecting them onto you -- I'm just trying to say, I have a glimpse as to what this can feel like.)

May God bless all your hard work and I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going.
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Yeah I was comvicted by 1 Corinthians 7:39 which days you myst marry someone “who belongs to the Lord.” I completely agree that we are not of same spiritual yoke, though she threw me into confusion cuz she said she was an atheist, now she says Christian who does not attend church, and that was after I said I’d only marry a Christian. So that is suspect to me.

It is neat to meet someone else who is called to caregiving parents. Perhaps we could chat about it? If you’d like. I will add you to my prayers in this regard too. :)

“When us my turn to live?” So its not just me haha. I have been feeling the clock ticking, even though I know I am not too old to have a fam, thirties is not old, but all shows and friends I know marry in twenties.

Thank you for blessings! Same to you as yoy venturing into parental caregiving. :)
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#45
May 23, 2009
17,690
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#45
SirSolaScriptura said:
It is neat to meet someone else who is called to caregiving parents. Perhaps we could chat about it? If you’d like. I will add you to my prayers in this regard too. :)
“When us my turn to live?” So its not just me haha. I have been feeling the clock ticking, even though I know I am not too old to have a fam, thirties is not old, but all shows and friends I know marry in twenties.
Thank you for blessings! Same to you as yoy venturing into parental caregiving. :)
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It's a sobering reality of this life that we humans seem to bond most out of the things expressed out of misery. And one of the biggest forms of relief to us is finding out that others are suffering in the exact same way!

You are definitely in the right place. Almost all the single friends I've met here are caretakers in some way, most often of parents, grandparents, and/or other's children. Hopefully, you'll find a lot of community here.

Being in your 30's, you certainly have time, but most everyone here know what it's like to feel as if we're falling behind because it seems like those younger than us have gotten twice as far.

I'm past the point of wanting a family for myself, so I'd only have one if it was ready-made. :)

One of the amazing things God has given me through this site are other singles to occasionally travel with, and that's been an awesome blessing.

Sure, I'd be up for talking about parental caretaking. I'm surely no expert and am only in the beginning stages, but feel free to drop me a message, or if your membership doesn't include that, feel free to leave a message on my profile wall if you'd like.

I'll get back to you with a PM as soon as possible, though I apologize it wouldn't be today and might take a few days, as things will be pretty hectic for a bit.

Thanks very much! :)
But the collapse of our own dreams is never something easily taken, and I think very much acts as a real death in our lives.

We're all in this together, and I genuinely hope participating in these threads, or just reading them, will give you some comfort.
 
Elizabeth35

Elizabeth35

Active member
#46
Apr 18, 2025
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#46
SirSolaScriptura said:
The Triage of Dating is ironic. People want the potential spouse with money, house, and etc; then find out they are workaholic, or they are Sunday Christian only. The person who is right for thme works a Nine to Five Job, has an apartment, and maybe some debt, but ooops doesn’t meet desirable list.

Honestly, I think it is almost hopeless for good hearted and God fearing men to meet anyone on these sites unless they already a millionaire.

Proof even in the Church, Mammon (god of money) not Messiah is most important. Sure I get you don’t want a bum, but the other end of spectrum is choosing someone who puts money first, and guess where you will end up on totem poll, second..
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I've been seriously interested in men who were in their early to late 30s and still living at home with their parents. That didn't bother me one bit. They couldn't afford to move out and I understand because I'm in the same situation. Life is expensive, and nearly impossible to afford in certain areas, you just try to make things work the best you can. Things didn't end up working out with those men but it had nothing to do with their finances or living situation. I also know others who married very average men who worked 9-5 jobs and lived in an apartment or rented. I'm certainly not looking for a millionaire and I don't know anyone who is either.

It can feel hopeless at times, I feel that way often, but it's simply not true that all women want a millionaire or think money is more important than Jesus.
 
SirSolaScriptura

SirSolaScriptura

Active member
#47
Mar 10, 2025
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#47
Elizabeth35 said:
I've been seriously interested in men who were in their early to late 30s and still living at home with their parents. That didn't bother me one bit. They couldn't afford to move out and I understand because I'm in the same situation. Life is expensive, and nearly impossible to afford in certain areas, you just try to make things work the best you can. Things didn't end up working out with those men but it had nothing to do with their finances or living situation. I also know others who married very average men who worked 9-5 jobs and lived in an apartment or rented. I'm certainly not looking for a millionaire and I don't know anyone who is either.

It can feel hopeless at times, I feel that way often, but it's simply not true that all women want a millionaire or think money is more important than Jesus.
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Glad to hear there is hope. Dynamics are changing where even the woman makes more money. A friend of mine’s wife makes way more money than him.

My aim is as the words in Proverbs,
“Do not give me too much that I forget you Lord, nor too little that I steal and profain your name. Give me just enough.”
 
seoulsearch

seoulsearch

OutWrite Trouble
#48
May 23, 2009
17,690
6,454
113
#48
Elizabeth35 said:
I've been seriously interested in men who were in their early to late 30s and still living at home with their parents. That didn't bother me one bit. They couldn't afford to move out and I understand because I'm in the same situation. Life is expensive, and nearly impossible to afford in certain areas, you just try to make things work the best you can. Things didn't end up working out with those men but it had nothing to do with their finances or living situation. I also know others who married very average men who worked 9-5 jobs and lived in an apartment or rented. I'm certainly not looking for a millionaire and I don't know anyone who is either.

It can feel hopeless at times, I feel that way often, but it's simply not true that all women want a millionaire or think money is more important than Jesus.
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I just wanted to second the statement that I think a lot of Christian women (at least the ones I know, but we're all rather old-fashioned,) are very understanding that today's economy is hard for everyone.

The women I know (again, this is just me, sample size of one and her friends!) aren't looking so much for a provider (unless they plan to have family she needs to stay home with,) as they are someone who can pull his own weight so they can pay the bills together. In every relationship I had, I somehow picked guys who spent everything on hobbies (or alcohol,) so I'd wind up paying for their bills. Finding someone who is financially responsible would be a huge relief.

All the women I know work and support themselves. I know there's always been a very negative stereotype regarding men who live with their parents, but I genuinely think that's changed (at least with down-to-earth women.)

Now of course, if it's someone living in their parents' basement (man or woman) eating Cheeoto's, ordering pizza on their parents' credit card, playing video games or online shopping all day, there aren't going to be many takers.

But many people nowadays are in situations where they've moved back with family due to high living costs. I listen to a lot of YouTube channels run by realtors, and even they say if you can't afford it (and they list out the things you need to consider in order to do so,) do not buy a house.

I used to own a house but with seeing the insurance costs, property taxes, and HOA fees skyrocketing, I am very thankful to just be renting for now.

So of course, I'm not necessarily looking for someone who has a house, either. Even if he does, depending on the situation, a house can be an anchor to a sinking ship.

I know everyone says renting is throwing away money, but in the area where I live, I'm able to budget what it would probably cost to own a house -- pay for my living expenses -- and then have something leftover to put into savings on my own.

Because no one ever mentions that even if you do own a home, you never get back all the extra you might be paying in all the associated costs with owning a home either.

My renter's insurance for the year was $124.

I'm thinking... Not many homeowners are paying that for their insurance. (I'm not knocking homeownership at all, just saying, it's definitely not for everyone.)
 
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