Streams of Consciousness & Thoughts~~~

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DuchessAimee said:
I'm pretty sure I'm going to throw up, and I really hope I don't have to call into work tomorrow. They sent me home today...
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Mustard is a good emetic if you are going to throw up, duchessaim :) Lot better than the finger down the throat method, gag! Incidentally, I did just that a couple months ago after having tasted a thai noodles sample in a little plastic cup. Immediately after eating it, I could tell there was something in there horrible, I nearly passed out getting to the restroom. Once inside, I went straight to the toilet, stuck my finger on my uvula and THREW UP, fortunately, after the second 'gagging' of myself, I felt just fine. :)
 
I lost my focus for awhile. I forgot who I was. I forgot what I wanted. I forgot what I was working toward. I forgot Who I belonged to. I got lost in what I wanted. I tried to be the person other people wanted or expected me to be. That's over now. Sorry, Lord.
 
Sorry, this is a stream of conscious thought and here I am being Dr Green :D Well then, hmmm, I will say this, on Sunday I met a fascinating man. He, I found out, is a bigwhig buyer of stuff, like stuff I do, don't want to bore you with my work stuff but he, about a month ago, nearly died, and, I mean DIED ! He was standing behind his car when a car came blasting out of nowhere and ran into him at 40mph. He was in a coma for 9 days, he now has a prosthetic leg. But he is a gentle man, a man who the Lord has pointed out to me. I'm not sure we're going yet but he can't drive long distances and wants to go to the tulip festival in Mount Vernon next Saturday he said and I said I would drive him. But, he's got a wife and she is supposed to be busy doing her real estate business on Saturday. But today when I called him, he is not sure if she is working Saturday or not. I just want the Lord to work this relationship as He wills and for me to be making His moves for me, not my own. This person could be real good for my business, I think, but I don't want to be friends with him for that reason on my own. His glory, Christ alone, I am His workmanship, I am not my own. All glory to God, He's got me this far in life and I've been blessed, I've felt, in all the lines of work He's had me in. Work is something in the past I've made mistakes in, it's hard being in business for your self, it's hard keeping your eyes on God all the time, and, sad to say, taking them off Him allows Satan to focus on you. :(

God is soooo good. Follow Him. The Lord leads '...you follow Me.' John 21:22 :)
 
I should have been in bed an hour ago, I should be lost in better dreams than the ones that came to me last night, but something about today has me pacing around the house. Restless, unsettled, unable to keep a tight grip on the optimism and steady contentment that's been so much a part of who I am my whole life.

I guess days like this are also part of me; it's not the first time I've felt like a dense fog has stolen in, curling around my heart, leaving me feeling cold and a little shaken.

Dreams, good or bad, are just that- dreams. History is not going to repeat itself, not in this case, not for me. I remember the endless lonely nights, sleepless hours, fear of the dark. Prayers I was so sure were going unanswered.

I'm not going there again.

And tomorrow I will get out of this, beyond it.
 
MissCris said:
I should have been in bed an hour ago, I should be lost in better dreams than the ones that came to me last night, but something about today has me pacing around the house. Restless, unsettled, unable to keep a tight grip on the optimism and steady contentment that's been so much a part of who I am my whole life.

I guess days like this are also part of me; it's not the first time I've felt like a dense fog has stolen in, curling around my heart, leaving me feeling cold and a little shaken.

Dreams, good or bad, are just that- dreams. History is not going to repeat itself, not in this case, not for me. I remember the endless lonely nights, sleepless hours, fear of the dark. Prayers I was so sure were going unanswered.

I'm not going there again.

And tomorrow I will get out of this, beyond it.
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I know that feeling all too well, MissCris. :(
 
MissCris said:
I should have been in bed an hour ago, I should be lost in better dreams than the ones that came to me last night, but something about today has me pacing around the house. Restless, unsettled, unable to keep a tight grip on the optimism and steady contentment that's been so much a part of who I am my whole life.

I guess days like this are also part of me; it's not the first time I've felt like a dense fog has stolen in, curling around my heart, leaving me feeling cold and a little shaken.

Dreams, good or bad, are just that- dreams. History is not going to repeat itself, not in this case, not for me. I remember the endless lonely nights, sleepless hours, fear of the dark. Prayers I was so sure were going unanswered.

I'm not going there again.

And tomorrow I will get out of this, beyond it.
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Some help to mizcris:

Paul speaking in Philipians 4: " Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. 12I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

psalms 46:1 is a fave of mine for helping me through times I wonder if God is there with me during my troubles, sort of the 'footprints in the sand' kind of verse :)

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

And:
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

And, "These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world."

g'night, milady :)
 
Three hours of sleep...ugh.

Ooh...I hate it when I wake up super hungry. I don't like eating breakfast, but there's no way I'll survive til lunch.

...important things going through my head, yeah?
 
MissCris said:
Three hours of sleep...ugh.

Ooh...I hate it when I wake up super hungry. I don't like eating breakfast, but there's no way I'll survive til lunch.

...important things going through my head, yeah?
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You know what they say about breakfast!

It's the most important meal of the day! :D
 
I hear You say My love is over,
It's underneath, it's inside, it's in between
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel
The times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
The times you've broken, the times that you mend
The times you hate Me and the times that you bend"

Well My love is over, it's underneath
It's inside, it's in between,
These times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion and chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by My power alone
I don't care where you've fallen, where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My LOVE never ends, it never ends

~ Tenth Avenue North (Times)
 
I'm so tired... And- I need to clean up my place. I will have guests tomorrow. Dear Lord-please help me!
 
This is my goal.
Friends-with-God1.jpg
And I always fail at it. I can be so motivated and excited for some time. And-thn I get distracted or something else...
Why it is so hard for me to get closer to God?
 
Counting my blessings right now, it's been a great week so far :)
I was afraid I was going to lose my car, but I was a genius and thought up ways to avoid losing it. The only way I'll lose it, is if my husband won't take care of his part, which would just be stupid.
I got the haircut I've wanted for a while.
I sprained my fingers on my right hand (thank goodness I'm left handed), but it's getting better.
Baby's getting bigger and stronger every day, and lets me know he loves me every day.
Got MedicAid finally, and can get prenatals, now that I'm 5 months along, and dying to see my little one.
My family may be a little hectic to be around sometimes, but it's a joy to be back home while I'm waiting for my husband to sort his problems out.
 
Last night, at 10:30 PM, I decided to finally try my hand at the chalk pastels I got for Christmas. I have never used them before. Still just sort of playing around with them. I usually work with pencil. Thought I'd share my piece with you all. It's pretty simple, and the perfectionist in me is picking out places I could have done better on, but I think if I'm going to continue with art (which I plan on it) I need to not be so picky. Yes, learn and grow, but not be hard on myself.

Art, much like when I write poetry, sing, or journal, is an escape. I will be focusing so much on it that an hour flies by and I don't even notice. Despite the intense focus I can have, it's quite relaxing.

The words are from one of my favorite songs by JJ Heller called "Control".

 
^^0 The fellow van driver of a bus ministry I help with commented tonight that I seemed to spend my life apologizing...to which I replied..."Yeah, I really do..."

I think I've made progress, because in the past...the response would likely have been..."Yeah, I'm sorry."
 
Right now I've been thinking of what my ideal job would be. If I could chose to do any kind of work, what it would be. I think I would want to be a Minecraft let's player. A let's player is a person who records video of themselves playing a video game, edits it to be all nice and presentable, and uploads it to some website like YouTube. There are people who are let's players and they make tons of money by doing that. For some, it is their day job.

I would like to do that. Minecraft is the only game that has held my attention for such a long period of time. I found it over two years ago and it's been fun almost the entire time. I like sharing what I have made with others, and a let's play series is the perfect way to do that. And it would be a way for me to make money. I don't want to make tons of money doing it. Just enough that I can provide for myself, and a little bit above that. I would play a game for the better part of a day and make money doing so. Every other day I would put a video of me playing Minecraft on YouTube, working on some technological contraption or exquisite building. I would build up a fanbase of a few thousand, and then others who would be one-time viewers. The views and ad revenue would be my income.

But that's not all I would do. I have an idea for a website which might potentially in itself be a way of making money. I would run a website that lets newly-started let's players like myself network with each other, share audiences, and build up their viewerships as well. I'm a Web programmer, it'd be right up my alley. People are more than happy to moderate a website for free, just volunteering in the place. I would feel great doing it.

That's not all I would ideally do with my life, however. I also want to be a Bible teacher at a church. A couple months ago I officially made the transition from Assemblies of God to Lutheran (LCMS specifically) and I have thoroughly enjoyed learning the theology. I have a natural bent for teaching. I take joy in sharing my knowledge with others. After all, what good is knowledge if it is not shared with others? Of what effect is it? Teaching is a fulfilling activity to me, and my faith means a lot to me. I want to work for the church, it would be a joy for me. It'd be my sorta secondary job, and I wouldn't get paid, but that doesn't matter to me.

This is my ideal life, anyway.
 
Got on Facebook. Was reminded that it's engagement season again. Don't know how I feel. Okay, yet not okay. But more okay.
 
So, basically, what stops me from attaining this ideal life? Surely to some degree it is doable, right?

Realistically I do not see myself becoming popular enough of a let's player to get a big enough income to sustain myself. My primary computer is a laptop, a device not known for being excellent as a video recording and editing device. My audio-video quality would probably be average at best unless I built my own computer for the purpose of making videos. I do have a video series, and you can see that doing stuff with the laptop has not resulted in the most optimal of quality. Could I still put in the time and effort to make a let's play series? Certainly, if I schedule out my time properly. Even then it would likely lead to me losing sleep since after all, I need to balance video making with school and other activities. It would make for a busy life indeed, and perhaps too busy to really even be enjoyable. I still hold out for the pipe dream that I will be a moderately successful let's player for Minecraft, but practically speaking it would probably not play out.

Also, Minecraft isn't going to be popular forever. Eventually it will be considered boring by the masses and they will move on to whatever comes next. And the let's play community is over-saturated as it is. There are so many LPers that are famous, and trying to compete with them for viewers would be foolish. What happens when the game becomes a bust? There goes my source of income, and there really aren't any other video games which grabs my attention quite like Minecraft does. I don't know if there ever will be another one, which I would happily devote hours a day to playing.

As for the website, that is actually a lot more feasible. I have the knowledge to build such a website, and there are a few venues I could take to advertise it. Using consistent advertisement of it, and gathering a community, I would be able to get that up and running. I'm actually a lot more optimistic about it.

Insofar as being a Bible teacher at an LCMS church: I think I can eventually end up doing that. Of course, that is assuming the church I end up attending would be permitting of layman teachers leading their Sunday school classes or what have you. If not, then perhaps I'll start up a home Bible study or the like of my own that I could do for the church.
 
A sore throat has been sneaking up on me today... and now it's gotten worse and I'm pretty sure I won't be able to talk by morning. :( please pray for me. I feel miserable right now.
 
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