Is Fake Love Better Than No Love At All?

[NightTwister]

Some of the happiest times of my life were after when I got away from fake love.

 

[YouOnlyLiveTwice]

I'm trying to figure out what fake love and real love is.
Like, I know God is the only one who loves each one of us through and through, maybe our mothers are capable of real love, maybe our dads? Not sure.

 

[CarriePie]

Hey Everyone,

I've often written about the time I was part of a ministry writing inmates, and it's because I learned so much during that time.

As I did my weekly grocery shopping this weekend and was bombarded by all the "Singles Awareness" (aka, Valentine's) Day merchandise overrunning the stores, I was thinking of something an inmate wrote me years ago that I will never forget.

He had one of the most heart-wrenching life stories I had ever heard -- a life formed by childhood abuse in every form, shaping a person who learned to say and be whatever was wanted of him in order to survive. But worst of all, he grew up into someone who now uses the same manipulative tactics that others used on him, whether it's also to survive, or just to get something he wants -- even if it's just attention.

He was telling me about the scores of people who had written to him in prison over the years, and how, out of loneliness, he had learned to become the person they whether each seeking. Whether it was women looking for attention from a man, men looking for attention from a man, older men and women needing a son to replace one they had lost, Christians looking for a convert, college students saying they wanted to use him as a case study -- he said that through years of experience, he now knew how to say whatever people wanted to hear -- because, he told me, "Fake love is better than no love."

Surrounded by the context of what he had told me, it is something I will never forget.

As outside, law-abiding citizens, we read such a thing and gasp with horror, and shaking our heads at how terrible it is to lie to other to this degree, because we are all studying the Bible daily and it tells us how much God values honesty and integrity.

But this is exactly what I liked about writing inmates -- they would tell me about something that, in their particular situation, stood out like a sore thumb -- until I really thought about it and realized that these were just extreme exaggerations of things that regular people do everyday.

I was left thinking about:

* All the times I'd said and done what bosses needed, even when I didn't believe in their cause or agree with their methods. I just wanted to keep my job, or get what my department needed to be done.

* The times I'd been accommodating to significant others, not wanting to rock the boat, and not wanting them to leave, even when it meant putting up with things I normally would not have tolerated.

* "Playing the game" in most any social situation -- whether trying to fit into a social group, getting the approval of my teachers, wanting to appease family, or serving at church, I molded myself into things I was not, all for the sake of finding a place and not being a total outcast -- even if what I was outwardly agreeing to really wasn't me.

* The times when we "think" we have friends -- but the minute we leave a job (especially due to layoffs,) our "friends" from work have nothing to do with us -- because their first concern is preserving their own job security.

* The times when I'd seen families -- in this case, grandparents -- buy the grandchildren anything they wanted, and gave in to every whim, because they wanted to make sure they were the "favorite" ones in the family, even above the child's own parents. Of course, these grandparents loved their grandchildren. But they also had money when the rest of the family was poor, and were making sure to use it to their advantage to help ensure (buy?) these kids' "highest" love -- and loyalty -- in the court hearing the family was going through.

And so it goes, on and on.

When you think about all the times you've had to "alter" yourself to "fit in," "have friends", ""win approval," "keep your job," "look like a good enough Christian," or "keep someone" from leaving you...

Is fake love better than no love at all?

Now of course, I understand that some of this "bending" is necessary to survive. If we all said and did exactly what we were thinking, if we didn't hold back at times, and if we blurted out every opinion we had -- we'd wind up like most people I know who do just that -- unemployed, friendless, having a family that wants nothing to do with them, and claiming it's everyone else's fault because they're just "being their authentic selves."

But how much "fake love" is necessary to survive, and when we take an honest look, how much "real love" (besides the love of God) do we really have, and need, to get by?

I am extremely thankful to be at a point where I think my life is at a high point when it comes to being around those who accept me for myself -- but it also makes me wonder how far, or how willing I would be willing to "alter myself" (such as for a job or church group,) if necessary.

How about you?

* What times in your life have you had to settle for "fake" love or acceptance, and why did you do so? How did it go?

* Do you have any "real" love in your life right now? For you, what is the difference between fake love and real love?

* Have you ever had to drastically change or hold back your real self to appease to or keep a job, position, or someone else? If you were able to break free, what finally caused the big change?

* Is fake love -- the circle of friends who "likes" you because you can be a certain way in certain situations, or because you're a convenient distraction or funny story at work, or someone to say hi to, but never socialize with at church -- better than "no" love at all?

* When teaching or talking to others who look up to you -- friends, younger siblings or relatives, children or grandchildren -- what would you tell them about navigating fake vs. real love? How much "fake" love is necessary to get by in life? And how do we cope with it?

One of the reasons I'm single is because I've found that over time, my tolerance for fake love has about faded into nothing.

I find this to be a fascinating, albeit sobering topic -- and I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

I think there are different kinds of real love. Of course we all know this, but sometimes we may not be looking at them in a real way or the right way. I think about my longest relationship and how during pretty much the entire time I thought that either that was my forever relationship and if it didn't work out I'd remain alone. After several years, I realized it wasn't the same love I had built up in my head/heart. Was it fake? Not at all! And I remain thankful for that experience/time. But, it was a different kind of love. Figuratively speaking, I had on a pair of glasses that seen things a different way and when those were removed, I couldn't see things the same way again. I couldn't put the "glasses" back on again even if I tried. Reality had set in. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we are seeing a real love but perhaps in a fake way. I don't know if this makes any sense lol.

---

Also, I definitely agree with engblom...

One thing I know for certain is that I would never want fake romantic love. In that context, fake love would be worse than no love at all. In the long run, it would be too painful.

 

[Lynx]

It's kind of funny to me that God seems to have made my brain a complete dichotomy that somehow has to find a way to work in harmony.

I might post threads about frivolous things like peanut butter and jelly and mac and cheese, but it's because the "other side of my brain" is contemplating subjects like this thread and hasn't quite sorted them into a full thread just yet.

My avatar right now really suits me -- I'm just a clown at heart, but one that is always thinking, reading, and absorbing a multitude of topics (hence the rainbow of colors.)

Many years ago when PM'ing was still free and just anyone could contact you, I had some people telling me they hated my serious threads and just wanted me to be funny. Then there were other people saying they hated my funny threads and just wanted me to be serious. Still others hated my relationship threads and didn't want me to talk about dating at all -- in the Singles Forum! I have to laugh out loud at that one!

It was kind of the epitome of the topic of this thread -- did I want to be fake and try to please one side of the people all the time? Nah. When it comes to my time on this forum, I have to be myself -- I couldn't hide it if I tried, which is also why I've never changed my username. People would know It Was Me The First Time I Wrote a Thread.

I really appreciate the current CC crowd because a lot of people seem to be able to roll with whatever I throw out -- and even enjoy it.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read and/or post!

I hate threads like this. Why can't you make more threads about food?

 

[CcGirl]

Not sure. Might revisit with a different answer later, but as of right now I wouldn't mind a fake love so long as I didn't need to feel the fake part.

For a distant example, not love specifically, but social feelings vs no social feelings.... I used to pretend my way through social environments I didn't really care much about, but then covid hit and there was nothing. Looking back on things, the fake environments were better than nothing. Now even if I want any social place, they are harder to get involved with as life just isn't where it used to be.

If I were in a fake romance, or even a shallow friendship, I wouldn't let myself fully trust the romance and I would keep up a lot of boundaries (dependent on situation and person). I do have loyalty though and would want to be supportive of anyone in need. If there were false interpretations of a relationship, I am an honest person and would probably be open with them, then it would be up to them on what they want to do with our relationship. If I feel someone crosses lines and puts myself or themself into harms-way I would end things.

 

[Levib]

Hey Everyone,

I've often written about the time I was part of a ministry writing inmates, and it's because I learned so much during that time.

As I did my weekly grocery shopping this weekend and was bombarded by all the "Singles Awareness" (aka, Valentine's) Day merchandise overrunning the stores, I was thinking of something an inmate wrote me years ago that I will never forget.

He had one of the most heart-wrenching life stories I had ever heard -- a life formed by childhood abuse in every form, shaping a person who learned to say and be whatever was wanted of him in order to survive. But worst of all, he grew up into someone who now uses the same manipulative tactics that others used on him, whether it's also to survive, or just to get something he wants -- even if it's just attention.

He was telling me about the scores of people who had written to him in prison over the years, and how, out of loneliness, he had learned to become the person they whether each seeking. Whether it was women looking for attention from a man, men looking for attention from a man, older men and women needing a son to replace one they had lost, Christians looking for a convert, college students saying they wanted to use him as a case study -- he said that through years of experience, he now knew how to say whatever people wanted to hear -- because, he told me, "Fake love is better than no love."

Surrounded by the context of what he had told me, it is something I will never forget.

As outside, law-abiding citizens, we read such a thing and gasp with horror, and shaking our heads at how terrible it is to lie to other to this degree, because we are all studying the Bible daily and it tells us how much God values honesty and integrity.

But this is exactly what I liked about writing inmates -- they would tell me about something that, in their particular situation, stood out like a sore thumb -- until I really thought about it and realized that these were just extreme exaggerations of things that regular people do everyday.

I was left thinking about:

* All the times I'd said and done what bosses needed, even when I didn't believe in their cause or agree with their methods. I just wanted to keep my job, or get what my department needed to be done.

* The times I'd been accommodating to significant others, not wanting to rock the boat, and not wanting them to leave, even when it meant putting up with things I normally would not have tolerated.

* "Playing the game" in most any social situation -- whether trying to fit into a social group, getting the approval of my teachers, wanting to appease family, or serving at church, I molded myself into things I was not, all for the sake of finding a place and not being a total outcast -- even if what I was outwardly agreeing to really wasn't me.

* The times when we "think" we have friends -- but the minute we leave a job (especially due to layoffs,) our "friends" from work have nothing to do with us -- because their first concern is preserving their own job security.

* The times when I'd seen families -- in this case, grandparents -- buy the grandchildren anything they wanted, and gave in to every whim, because they wanted to make sure they were the "favorite" ones in the family, even above the child's own parents. Of course, these grandparents loved their grandchildren. But they also had money when the rest of the family was poor, and were making sure to use it to their advantage to help ensure (buy?) these kids' "highest" love -- and loyalty -- in the court hearing the family was going through.

And so it goes, on and on.

When you think about all the times you've had to "alter" yourself to "fit in," "have friends", ""win approval," "keep your job," "look like a good enough Christian," or "keep someone" from leaving you...

Is fake love better than no love at all?

Now of course, I understand that some of this "bending" is necessary to survive. If we all said and did exactly what we were thinking, if we didn't hold back at times, and if we blurted out every opinion we had -- we'd wind up like most people I know who do just that -- unemployed, friendless, having a family that wants nothing to do with them, and claiming it's everyone else's fault because they're just "being their authentic selves."

But how much "fake love" is necessary to survive, and when we take an honest look, how much "real love" (besides the love of God) do we really have, and need, to get by?

I am extremely thankful to be at a point where I think my life is at a high point when it comes to being around those who accept me for myself -- but it also makes me wonder how far, or how willing I would be willing to "alter myself" (such as for a job or church group,) if necessary.

How about you?

* What times in your life have you had to settle for "fake" love or acceptance, and why did you do so? How did it go?

* Do you have any "real" love in your life right now? For you, what is the difference between fake love and real love?

* Have you ever had to drastically change or hold back your real self to appease to or keep a job, position, or someone else? If you were able to break free, what finally caused the big change?

* Is fake love -- the circle of friends who "likes" you because you can be a certain way in certain situations, or because you're a convenient distraction or funny story at work, or someone to say hi to, but never socialize with at church -- better than "no" love at all?

* When teaching or talking to others who look up to you -- friends, younger siblings or relatives, children or grandchildren -- what would you tell them about navigating fake vs. real love? How much "fake" love is necessary to get by in life? And how do we cope with it?

One of the reasons I'm single is because I've found that over time, my tolerance for fake love has about faded into nothing.

I find this to be a fascinating, albeit sobering topic -- and I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

A lot of what you are describing is called “people pleasing”. It is an unhealthy trait that often comes from people who weren’t loved/accepted. So they put others before themselves to gain recognition, love, etc in return.

I would ask, what is fake love? An act of love regardless of the intention behind it.

I would say there are two basic forms of love, emotional love and acts of love. Most people will only show acts of love when they feel emotional love or when they are trying to gain love. However we are called to display acts of love when there is no emotion. This is how Jesus loved us, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

 

[YouOnlyLiveTwice]

A lot of what you are describing is called “people pleasing”. It is an unhealthy trait that often comes from people who weren’t loved/accepted. So they put others before themselves to gain recognition, love, etc in return.

I would ask, what is fake love? An act of love regardless of the intention behind it.

I would say there are two basic forms of love, emotional love and acts of love. Most people will only show acts of love when they feel emotional love or when they are trying to gain love. However we are called to display acts of love when there is no emotion. This is how Jesus loved us, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

love is definitely a decision, as i like to say it. (acts of love)

 

[Suze]

Love is a very slow grower for me . I can tolerate lots of people if I have to , I can b polite and friendly and kind to pretty much everyone but that's not love , it's just good manners that were drummed into me as a kid . I have compassion for almost everyone , even my drug addicted neighbour who recently went to prison for 6 years for kidnap , I know what kind of life she had as a child and young adult , she's still only 39 and has lived a hard life .
Love is also irrational . It's true I promise . I have and still do love a couple of people that haven't always been good to me , a friend , a cousin etc . I don't love easy but , when I do love u , I will love u always . Even after someone treats u bad , real love doesn't switch off easy . Instead u just become wary of that person , maybe avoid them etc but , real love doesn't ever die .
When it comes to partners / spouses etc , for me , I know it's love when that person's happiness is more important than my own and that's only been 100 per cent true of my hubby he can b hard work and a pain but , as long as he is happy , I'm happy .
I do a lot for my elderly mum . She is a psychopath and incapable of what normal people think of as love but she does have her own twisted version of it . Throughout my entire life , from being a small child , my mum has treat me as if I don't exists and thats being polite about it . I could tell u things that u genuinely wouldn't believe , u would think I was making it up .
I don't love her . I have a lot of compassion for her as she is her own worst enemy and still doesn't realise it . I care about her welfare because she is old and very vulnerable . I'm her only biologic child and the only person who genuinely cares about her so , I will , right to the end I shall b there for her , God willing . But I don't love her , she never let me love her and she never wanted me to . She is grateful for the things I do for her I know that , but that's as far as it goes and it's better than its ever been between us . Because she needs me she does her best to b nice to me , I take that , it's more than she's ever given me in the past .
True love is irrational and never dies . Everything else is just politeness , respect , kindness etc , these things r good and they help us get along with each other .
True love involves sacrifice , willing sacrifice . I sacrifice things for my husband's happiness and he does the same for me .
Jesus is pure love and he sacrificed his life for us . There is no greater love than his , for his Father and for us .

 

[Suze]

I said there is no greater love than that which Jesus has for us and for God but of course ,God's love comes first because He gave us Jesus , so without God's love , we r all doomed !

 

[cinder]

I saw the decision clearly when I was in high school. I can either keep guessing and try to fit what people want, or I can just be me and make them deal with me. Mostly I've ended up somewhere in the middle where I'm just being me ( and sometimes it feels like I'm fighting for that right) and decide not to deal with most people at all. And that more or less works for me. At least I find some good companion books and online people (most from CC) to hang out with.

 

[CrystalAnkles]

Fake love is no love at all.

 

[Lanolin]

Um..I thought this was going to be about 'fake dating' i.e To All the Boys I loved Before' kind of drama, but no, it's just people pleasing.

I'm not fake...I tend to be brutally honest at times. If I'm feeling it, I do it. Love is kind, love is patient etc. I try to do that, because I know that is real love.

Because well, to be a Christian about it is to be genuine and absolutely honest to God. You can't fake that kind of love.

 

[Edith]

when I talk about love I don't see bosses and colleagues, neither neighbors.
Yes I love them, I will stand up for them and support them as much I can and should but I don't expect from them. but from friends, family and partner I expect a lot. but if they don't live up to my expectations, I still have much love from the Christ to fill the gap. it's not easy but I endure it.

so I don't understand fake love and don't want any of such around me. if you help me good, if not ok. But if you help me when you feel disgusted or hatred towards me, no I don't accept that. Because I am sincere in my relationships. Be it with close ones or outsiders