Hey Everyone,
I've often written about the time I was part of a ministry writing inmates, and it's because I learned so much during that time.
As I did my weekly grocery shopping this weekend and was bombarded by all the "Singles Awareness" (aka, Valentine's) Day merchandise overrunning the stores, I was thinking of something an inmate wrote me years ago that I will never forget.
He had one of the most heart-wrenching life stories I had ever heard -- a life formed by childhood abuse in every form, shaping a person who learned to say and be whatever was wanted of him in order to survive. But worst of all, he grew up into someone who now uses the same manipulative tactics that others used on him, whether it's also to survive, or just to get something he wants -- even if it's just attention.
He was telling me about the scores of people who had written to him in prison over the years, and how, out of loneliness, he had learned to become the person they whether each seeking. Whether it was women looking for attention from a man, men looking for attention from a man, older men and women needing a son to replace one they had lost, Christians looking for a convert, college students saying they wanted to use him as a case study -- he said that through years of experience, he now knew how to say whatever people wanted to hear -- because, he told me, "Fake love is better than no love."
Surrounded by the context of what he had told me, it is something I will never forget.
As outside, law-abiding citizens, we read such a thing and gasp with horror, and shaking our heads at how terrible it is to lie to other to this degree, because we are all studying the Bible daily and it tells us how much God values honesty and integrity.
But this is exactly what I liked about writing inmates -- they would tell me about something that, in their particular situation, stood out like a sore thumb -- until I really thought about it and realized that these were just extreme exaggerations of things that regular people do everyday.
I was left thinking about:
* All the times I'd said and done what bosses needed, even when I didn't believe in their cause or agree with their methods. I just wanted to keep my job, or get what my department needed to be done.
* The times I'd been accommodating to significant others, not wanting to rock the boat, and not wanting them to leave, even when it meant putting up with things I normally would not have tolerated.
* "Playing the game" in most any social situation -- whether trying to fit into a social group, getting the approval of my teachers, wanting to appease family, or serving at church, I molded myself into things I was not, all for the sake of finding a place and not being a total outcast -- even if what I was outwardly agreeing to really wasn't me.
* The times when we "think" we have friends -- but the minute we leave a job (especially due to layoffs,) our "friends" from work have nothing to do with us -- because their first concern is preserving their own job security.
* The times when I'd seen families -- in this case, grandparents -- buy the grandchildren anything they wanted, and gave in to every whim, because they wanted to make sure they were the "favorite" ones in the family, even above the child's own parents. Of course, these grandparents loved their grandchildren. But they also had money when the rest of the family was poor, and were making sure to use it to their advantage to help ensure (buy?) these kids' "highest" love -- and loyalty -- in the court hearing the family was going through.
And so it goes, on and on.
When you think about all the times you've had to "alter" yourself to "fit in," "have friends", ""win approval," "keep your job," "look like a good enough Christian," or "keep someone" from leaving you...
Is fake love better than no love at all?
Now of course, I understand that some of this "bending" is necessary to survive. If we all said and did exactly what we were thinking, if we didn't hold back at times, and if we blurted out every opinion we had -- we'd wind up like most people I know who do just that -- unemployed, friendless, having a family that wants nothing to do with them, and claiming it's everyone else's fault because they're just "being their authentic selves."
But how much "fake love" is necessary to survive, and when we take an honest look, how much "real love" (besides the love of God) do we really have, and need, to get by?
I am extremely thankful to be at a point where I think my life is at a high point when it comes to being around those who accept me for myself -- but it also makes me wonder how far, or how willing I would be willing to "alter myself" (such as for a job or church group,) if necessary.
How about you?
* What times in your life have you had to settle for "fake" love or acceptance, and why did you do so? How did it go?
* Do you have any "real" love in your life right now? For you, what is the difference between fake love and real love?
* Have you ever had to drastically change or hold back your real self to appease to or keep a job, position, or someone else? If you were able to break free, what finally caused the big change?
* Is fake love -- the circle of friends who "likes" you because you can be a certain way in certain situations, or because you're a convenient distraction or funny story at work, or someone to say hi to, but never socialize with at church -- better than "no" love at all?
* When teaching or talking to others who look up to you -- friends, younger siblings or relatives, children or grandchildren -- what would you tell them about navigating fake vs. real love? How much "fake" love is necessary to get by in life? And how do we cope with it?
One of the reasons I'm single is because I've found that over time, my tolerance for fake love has about faded into nothing.
I find this to be a fascinating, albeit sobering topic -- and I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
I've often written about the time I was part of a ministry writing inmates, and it's because I learned so much during that time.
As I did my weekly grocery shopping this weekend and was bombarded by all the "Singles Awareness" (aka, Valentine's) Day merchandise overrunning the stores, I was thinking of something an inmate wrote me years ago that I will never forget.
He had one of the most heart-wrenching life stories I had ever heard -- a life formed by childhood abuse in every form, shaping a person who learned to say and be whatever was wanted of him in order to survive. But worst of all, he grew up into someone who now uses the same manipulative tactics that others used on him, whether it's also to survive, or just to get something he wants -- even if it's just attention.
He was telling me about the scores of people who had written to him in prison over the years, and how, out of loneliness, he had learned to become the person they whether each seeking. Whether it was women looking for attention from a man, men looking for attention from a man, older men and women needing a son to replace one they had lost, Christians looking for a convert, college students saying they wanted to use him as a case study -- he said that through years of experience, he now knew how to say whatever people wanted to hear -- because, he told me, "Fake love is better than no love."
Surrounded by the context of what he had told me, it is something I will never forget.
As outside, law-abiding citizens, we read such a thing and gasp with horror, and shaking our heads at how terrible it is to lie to other to this degree, because we are all studying the Bible daily and it tells us how much God values honesty and integrity.
But this is exactly what I liked about writing inmates -- they would tell me about something that, in their particular situation, stood out like a sore thumb -- until I really thought about it and realized that these were just extreme exaggerations of things that regular people do everyday.
I was left thinking about:
* All the times I'd said and done what bosses needed, even when I didn't believe in their cause or agree with their methods. I just wanted to keep my job, or get what my department needed to be done.
* The times I'd been accommodating to significant others, not wanting to rock the boat, and not wanting them to leave, even when it meant putting up with things I normally would not have tolerated.
* "Playing the game" in most any social situation -- whether trying to fit into a social group, getting the approval of my teachers, wanting to appease family, or serving at church, I molded myself into things I was not, all for the sake of finding a place and not being a total outcast -- even if what I was outwardly agreeing to really wasn't me.
* The times when we "think" we have friends -- but the minute we leave a job (especially due to layoffs,) our "friends" from work have nothing to do with us -- because their first concern is preserving their own job security.
* The times when I'd seen families -- in this case, grandparents -- buy the grandchildren anything they wanted, and gave in to every whim, because they wanted to make sure they were the "favorite" ones in the family, even above the child's own parents. Of course, these grandparents loved their grandchildren. But they also had money when the rest of the family was poor, and were making sure to use it to their advantage to help ensure (buy?) these kids' "highest" love -- and loyalty -- in the court hearing the family was going through.
And so it goes, on and on.
When you think about all the times you've had to "alter" yourself to "fit in," "have friends", ""win approval," "keep your job," "look like a good enough Christian," or "keep someone" from leaving you...
Is fake love better than no love at all?
Now of course, I understand that some of this "bending" is necessary to survive. If we all said and did exactly what we were thinking, if we didn't hold back at times, and if we blurted out every opinion we had -- we'd wind up like most people I know who do just that -- unemployed, friendless, having a family that wants nothing to do with them, and claiming it's everyone else's fault because they're just "being their authentic selves."
But how much "fake love" is necessary to survive, and when we take an honest look, how much "real love" (besides the love of God) do we really have, and need, to get by?
I am extremely thankful to be at a point where I think my life is at a high point when it comes to being around those who accept me for myself -- but it also makes me wonder how far, or how willing I would be willing to "alter myself" (such as for a job or church group,) if necessary.
How about you?
* What times in your life have you had to settle for "fake" love or acceptance, and why did you do so? How did it go?
* Do you have any "real" love in your life right now? For you, what is the difference between fake love and real love?
* Have you ever had to drastically change or hold back your real self to appease to or keep a job, position, or someone else? If you were able to break free, what finally caused the big change?
* Is fake love -- the circle of friends who "likes" you because you can be a certain way in certain situations, or because you're a convenient distraction or funny story at work, or someone to say hi to, but never socialize with at church -- better than "no" love at all?
* When teaching or talking to others who look up to you -- friends, younger siblings or relatives, children or grandchildren -- what would you tell them about navigating fake vs. real love? How much "fake" love is necessary to get by in life? And how do we cope with it?
One of the reasons I'm single is because I've found that over time, my tolerance for fake love has about faded into nothing.
I find this to be a fascinating, albeit sobering topic -- and I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
In a relationship (male or female, social or business), I cut to the chase, if something comes up I'm at odds with, I confront them nicely and figure out what's up. I don't like to waste time, I've made that mistake before.
