How "Financially Set" Does One Need to Be in Order to "Qualify" for Looking for a Spouse?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

We've talked about this before, but recent posts here in Singles made me want to bring this topic up again.

How "financially set" should someone be before "qualifying" to look for a spouse?

I know the answers are going to be wide and varied. I'm going to write a poll, but with system limitations, I'll only be able to mention a few variables, so I'm looking forward to what people have to say in their posts. For the sake of privacy, this poll is multiple choice but will NOT show your name or what you voted for -- hopefully making everyone feel comfortable enough to at least answer the poll.

From what I've observed in life, if everyone waited until they were "financially set" to do something, nothing would ever get done. If everyone waited to "have enough money" to go to college/back to school, get married, have kids -- I don't think many people would ever officially "qualify."

So how "well-off" or "well-prepared" should someone be in order to start dating?

I do feel sorry for men in this area, as it's often expected that men should pay, since they are going to be future providers -- which means they will automatically need enough money for two (even more, if the woman has kids,) when they start dating. (As a woman, I always offer to pay for myself, and if he's told me about having a long history of being used by women for money, I just pay for both of us so he hopefully won't count me out as just another woman using him as an ATM.)

I also feel that some women (not all of course, but some,) agree to dates where they might not actually be interested in the guy, but, we've all heard the phrase, "At least I got a free dinner" (which I personally feel is terribly dishonest and unfair, as it's just using someone.)

But, that's just me.

My parent's volunteer ministry is free financial counseling, helping people get out of credit card debt, etc. Over the years, they've run into people making $25,000 who learned to better manage what they had than people knocking down $400,000 -- and spending it like water. From observing this, I've come to the conclusion that I'm much more concerned about how a person handles what they do have rather than only looking at what they make, or how much they have in the bank.

If I met someone, I'd be looking at things like steady employment, personal responsibility, total debt and how it's being handled, why/whether more debt is being accumulated, and how the person budgets/plans for the future. (I currently have no debts, but have made many sacrifices to do this. For instance, I don't own a home, though I have in the past, but have found that for now, I'm more comfortable with renting rather then chaining myself to a huge mortgage for umpteen years.) However, I also know that being a renter vs. a homeowner might be a turnoff to potential dates.

What about you?

* When taking a look at your own situation, what goals/finanical milestones do you feel you need to meet before being a good match for someone else?

* When looking at someone else, what kind of "financial baselines" are you hoping they will have met/are meeting?

* What are the differences of being a man vs. being a woman? Are men automatically expected to have more/less debt/more savings because they will be seen as providers?

* How does this affect age/the dating timeline? It takes time to become financially established. How long would you expect to wait/what age would you expect people to be more financially secure? Could you hold off dating until then?

* If someone -- you or anyone else -- doesn't meet these certain "financial qulifications" -- should they just avoid dating altogether until they do?

* Or do you feel that since no one really ever "has enough" money before doing something, should you (and everyone else) should just take the plunge, whether you have any money or not, and trust God to do the rest?

I am looking forward to having an interesting and meaningful conversation!

 

[tourist]

I was severely depressed, broke, and had lost everything when my future wife first laid eyes on me. I guess that she saw potential in me.

 

[Lynx]

Beats me.

If I meet a lady and fall in love with her, my first question is not going to be about her credit score.

If we do start a relationship, when the time comes to talk about money, I will evaluate that relative to everything else I know about her. Whether she is rich or poor, frugal or spendthrift, her financial situation will be adjusted by a metric ton of qualifiers about everything else about her before I decide if it's good enough to accept or bad enough to reject.

I purchased a backup vehicle with a left rear door that will not latch. That is fine with me. It's a backup vehicle. Everything doesn't have to work right.

On the other hand, ice cream or cheese must be very good because I am allergic to dairy. If I'm going to put up with the sinus crud that comes with it, it had better be good enough to be worth the trouble.

Finances are only one aspect, and they will be factored in with all the other aspects of a lady... Assuming I ever meet her.

 

[Tall_Timbers]

1) No debt is acceptable with the possible exception of debt for a house, but that must be easily manageable debt based on income.

2) The person should be a hard industrious worker, someone an employer would value and want to keep

3) The amount of savings is not as important as the person knowing how to manage money well and live below their means. BTW, the vast majority do not know how to manage money well.

4) Their current living situation isn't important so long as it makes good sense at the present time in their life.

5) Should have a perfect record of paying any bills on time or early.

6) The borrower is a slave to the lender. Avoid debt.

7) There is no figure that once possessed indicates that one can now date. Again, the ability to manage one's finances and meet any financial obligations is what is important.

If you fall in love with another Believer, get married. Be faithful to each other until death do you part. Live for God and for each other. Always respect your spouse and do right by him/her.

 

[Lynx]

To other facets of the matter to consider:

How do you know if somebody is lying? If somebody is painting a rosy financial picture, how do you determine whether it is true?

What if a person says, "yeah, no, I'm terrible with money stuff" and takes a complete hands-off approach to all financial matters for the entire marriage? Dependency can be a bad thing in some circumstances, and really sucking at money matters is definitely bad, but what if the person acknowledges the lack of ability and lets the other person handle it?

From personal experience I know my dad freely acknowledged that Mom was better at handling finances. She paid all the bills. He made the money but she spent it. And I don't mean in the stereotypical frivolous housewife manner. He let her manage it because he acknowledged she was better at it than he.

 

[Lynx]

"Two other facets..."

Stupid speech to text.

 

[tourist]

If you fall in love with another Believer, get married. Be faithful to each other until death do you part. Live for God and for each other. Always respect your spouse and do right by him/her.

This is key.

 

[tourist]

"Two other facets..."

Stupid speech to text.

The first version was more edgy.

 

[tourist]

Based on my own experience and observation I have found that the older you are the more baggage you might carry and the same holds true for prospective relationships that may lead to marriage.

Yes, there might be financial aspects that might be a bit troubling along with other aspects, such as children, or the need to take care of a sick mother or father, and things along that line of thought.

Most people, especially older individuals, will not come with a clean slate. There will always be a box or two that is checked, or in certain cases unchecked. I believe that if you have prayed for a prospective spouse, and such an opportunity arises, you must be prepared to act decisively.

Of course, do whatever you are able to do, by the grace and guidance of God to get your own house in order before attempting to initiate pursuing a loving and enduring marital relationship.

Don't be so tentative or set the bar so high that no one will qualify or meet your standards. If you wait for all the 'I's' to be dotted, and all of the 'T's' to be crossed, and all of the lights to be green, you will be wasting precious years and most likely spend the rest of your life alone.

Relationships are a calculated risk. You reach a point in your life where either you know what you want, or you don't. In the end, if you decide that you might want a loving and faithful person to be your spouse, you have to shake the dice, let 'em fly, and let the chips fall where they may. Anyway, that's how I roll 'em. It's all in the wrist (risk).

I have been married to wonderful woman for almost 10 years now. Yeah, we have had a few ups and downs, but it has well been worth the costs of admission.

It has been quite a journey so far, and, perhaps a bit anxiously but always eagerly, to see what lies around the bend. Many such journeys are possible.