How "Financially Set" Does One Need to Be in Order to "Qualify" for Looking for a Spouse?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

We've talked about this before, but recent posts here in Singles made me want to bring this topic up again.

How "financially set" should someone be before "qualifying" to look for a spouse?

I know the answers are going to be wide and varied. I'm going to write a poll, but with system limitations, I'll only be able to mention a few variables, so I'm looking forward to what people have to say in their posts. For the sake of privacy, this poll is multiple choice but will NOT show your name or what you voted for -- hopefully making everyone feel comfortable enough to at least answer the poll.

From what I've observed in life, if everyone waited until they were "financially set" to do something, nothing would ever get done. If everyone waited to "have enough money" to go to college/back to school, get married, have kids -- I don't think many people would ever officially "qualify."

So how "well-off" or "well-prepared" should someone be in order to start dating?

I do feel sorry for men in this area, as it's often expected that men should pay, since they are going to be future providers -- which means they will automatically need enough money for two (even more, if the woman has kids,) when they start dating. (As a woman, I always offer to pay for myself, and if he's told me about having a long history of being used by women for money, I just pay for both of us so he hopefully won't count me out as just another woman using him as an ATM.)

I also feel that some women (not all of course, but some,) agree to dates where they might not actually be interested in the guy, but, we've all heard the phrase, "At least I got a free dinner" (which I personally feel is terribly dishonest and unfair, as it's just using someone.)

But, that's just me.

My parent's volunteer ministry is free financial counseling, helping people get out of credit card debt, etc. Over the years, they've run into people making $25,000 who learned to better manage what they had than people knocking down $400,000 -- and spending it like water. From observing this, I've come to the conclusion that I'm much more concerned about how a person handles what they do have rather than only looking at what they make, or how much they have in the bank.

If I met someone, I'd be looking at things like steady employment, personal responsibility, total debt and how it's being handled, why/whether more debt is being accumulated, and how the person budgets/plans for the future. (I currently have no debts, but have made many sacrifices to do this. For instance, I don't own a home, though I have in the past, but have found that for now, I'm more comfortable with renting rather then chaining myself to a huge mortgage for umpteen years.) However, I also know that being a renter vs. a homeowner might be a turnoff to potential dates.

What about you?

* When taking a look at your own situation, what goals/finanical milestones do you feel you need to meet before being a good match for someone else?

* When looking at someone else, what kind of "financial baselines" are you hoping they will have met/are meeting?

* What are the differences of being a man vs. being a woman? Are men automatically expected to have more/less debt/more savings because they will be seen as providers?

* How does this affect age/the dating timeline? It takes time to become financially established. How long would you expect to wait/what age would you expect people to be more financially secure? Could you hold off dating until then?

* If someone -- you or anyone else -- doesn't meet these certain "financial qulifications" -- should they just avoid dating altogether until they do?

* Or do you feel that since no one really ever "has enough" money before doing something, should you (and everyone else) should just take the plunge, whether you have any money or not, and trust God to do the rest?

I am looking forward to having an interesting and meaningful conversation!

 

[tourist]

I was severely depressed, broke, and had lost everything when my future wife first laid eyes on me. I guess that she saw potential in me.

 

[Lynx]

Beats me.

If I meet a lady and fall in love with her, my first question is not going to be about her credit score.

If we do start a relationship, when the time comes to talk about money, I will evaluate that relative to everything else I know about her. Whether she is rich or poor, frugal or spendthrift, her financial situation will be adjusted by a metric ton of qualifiers about everything else about her before I decide if it's good enough to accept or bad enough to reject.

I purchased a backup vehicle with a left rear door that will not latch. That is fine with me. It's a backup vehicle. Everything doesn't have to work right.

On the other hand, ice cream or cheese must be very good because I am allergic to dairy. If I'm going to put up with the sinus crud that comes with it, it had better be good enough to be worth the trouble.

Finances are only one aspect, and they will be factored in with all the other aspects of a lady... Assuming I ever meet her.

 

[Tall_Timbers]

1) No debt is acceptable with the possible exception of debt for a house, but that must be easily manageable debt based on income.

2) The person should be a hard industrious worker, someone an employer would value and want to keep

3) The amount of savings is not as important as the person knowing how to manage money well and live below their means. BTW, the vast majority do not know how to manage money well.

4) Their current living situation isn't important so long as it makes good sense at the present time in their life.

5) Should have a perfect record of paying any bills on time or early.

6) The borrower is a slave to the lender. Avoid debt.

7) There is no figure that once possessed indicates that one can now date. Again, the ability to manage one's finances and meet any financial obligations is what is important.

If you fall in love with another Believer, get married. Be faithful to each other until death do you part. Live for God and for each other. Always respect your spouse and do right by him/her.

 

[Lynx]

To other facets of the matter to consider:

How do you know if somebody is lying? If somebody is painting a rosy financial picture, how do you determine whether it is true?

What if a person says, "yeah, no, I'm terrible with money stuff" and takes a complete hands-off approach to all financial matters for the entire marriage? Dependency can be a bad thing in some circumstances, and really sucking at money matters is definitely bad, but what if the person acknowledges the lack of ability and lets the other person handle it?

From personal experience I know my dad freely acknowledged that Mom was better at handling finances. She paid all the bills. He made the money but she spent it. And I don't mean in the stereotypical frivolous housewife manner. He let her manage it because he acknowledged she was better at it than he.

 

[Lynx]

"Two other facets..."

Stupid speech to text.

 

[tourist]

If you fall in love with another Believer, get married. Be faithful to each other until death do you part. Live for God and for each other. Always respect your spouse and do right by him/her.

This is key.

 

[tourist]

"Two other facets..."

Stupid speech to text.

The first version was more edgy.

 

[tourist]

Based on my own experience and observation I have found that the older you are the more baggage you might carry and the same holds true for prospective relationships that may lead to marriage.

Yes, there might be financial aspects that might be a bit troubling along with other aspects, such as children, or the need to take care of a sick mother or father, and things along that line of thought.

Most people, especially older individuals, will not come with a clean slate. There will always be a box or two that is checked, or in certain cases unchecked. I believe that if you have prayed for a prospective spouse, and such an opportunity arises, you must be prepared to act decisively.

Of course, do whatever you are able to do, by the grace and guidance of God to get your own house in order before attempting to initiate pursuing a loving and enduring marital relationship.

Don't be so tentative or set the bar so high that no one will qualify or meet your standards. If you wait for all the 'I's' to be dotted, and all of the 'T's' to be crossed, and all of the lights to be green, you will be wasting precious years and most likely spend the rest of your life alone.

Relationships are a calculated risk. You reach a point in your life where either you know what you want, or you don't. In the end, if you decide that you might want a loving and faithful person to be your spouse, you have to shake the dice, let 'em fly, and let the chips fall where they may. Anyway, that's how I roll 'em. It's all in the wrist (risk).

I have been married to wonderful woman for almost 10 years now. Yeah, we have had a few ups and downs, but it has well been worth the costs of admission.

It has been quite a journey so far, and, perhaps a bit anxiously but always eagerly, to see what lies around the bend. Many such journeys are possible.

 

[Lynx]

If we're talking about where the line is drawn... How overweight can you be before you're disqualified?

Cause I just went to visit mom for half a week and there was a bathroom scale, and I haven't weighed myself in years, so I stood on it and found out I weigh (none of your business) pounds. I had that nicely under control for a few years, but then I couldn't ride a bike to w*rk no more for reasons. So I'm wondering how much further I can go before I get kicked out of the dating pool.

 

[Lynx]

For that matter, how much of your free time can you waste on idle diversions before you get kicked out of the dating pool?

If someone is rich and has it all together, but wastes a lot of his time, does that put him out of bounds? He's got money and no financial problems. By some metrics that makes him prime pickins.

 

[MsMediator]

At a very minimum, I would expect the guy to at least be able to support himself. I would not be interested in a guy where someone else like a parent is helping with his bills (rent, car payment, credit card, etc.). I've also known a couple of guys who came from rich/well to do families (such as parents buying them a house or nice cars) and I did not find them too atractive either since they didn't earn it. I would be much more impressed with a guy who bought his own stuff. Ideally he should also have some savings in keeping with his age and job/career. Unless a person went through an unexpected financial disaster related to divorce, helping a family member, etc a person's financial well-being says a lot about himself including priorities, how responsible he is, etc.

 

[Kireina]

Broke people sometimes are treasures all out there waiting to be found...🥹 I was broke when I was found and he said that he is happy to have me...now we are both broke lol 😭

 

[seoulsearch]

I have to wholeheartedly agree with the sentiments expressed here that even if people don't have much, it shouldn't necessarily stop them from getting married, especially if that's where they feel God is leading them.

When my parents got married, all they had were steady jobs, one vehicle each, and lived in a $5000 trailer (after borrowing the money.) I know that sounds like peanuts today but this was well over 50 years ago, when that was a lot of money for them to owe (in their eyes, at least.)

Unfortunately, in the few relationships I've had, it was with guys who were terrible with money (as in, I wound up paying for a lot of their bills/childcare/legal issues,) so now a steady job and money management are top priority to me.

I do think age and stage of life is very important to consider as well. I don't think anyone could expect someone in his 20's, and possibly even early 30's to be as established as those at the same age in past generations. If I were in that age range, I'd be much more understanding of someone just trying to get on his feet.

But being way past that stage, I'd have a hard time considering a romantic relationship with someone who wasn't financially responsible (not rich -- just responsible,) because if not, I know from past experience that eventually, it would all fall on me.

Great discussion!

I've enjoyed reading all the answers and hope people will continue sharing their thoughts!

 

[seoulsearch]

If we're talking about where the line is drawn... How overweight can you be before you're disqualified?

Cause I just went to visit mom for half a week and there was a bathroom scale, and I haven't weighed myself in years, so I stood on it and found out I weigh (none of your business) pounds. I had that nicely under control for a few years, but then I couldn't ride a bike to w*rk no more for reasons. So I'm wondering how much further I can go before I get kicked out of the dating pool.

For that matter, how much of your free time can you waste on idle diversions before you get kicked out of the dating pool?

If someone is rich and has it all together, but wastes a lot of his time, does that put him out of bounds? He's got money and no financial problems. By some metrics that makes him prime pickins.

These are great questions that all deserve their own discussions. And with every topic, I think it's going to vary from person to person, depending on their own perspectives and preferences.

I know that for myself, my number one rule is that I try not to require something in someone else that I myself don't qualify for -- because one of my biggest turnoffs is someone who wants someone to be something they are making no effort to be themselves.

I put in a lot of effort to try to get/stay healthy, so I would be looking for someone who felt the same about his own life.

As for how one spends their free time, that could be debatable.

As long as he'd keeping up with all his bills and responsibilities, he might know a great game or participate in an interesting hobby that I might just get hooked on myself.

 

[NightTwister]

I always seemed to marry women who were broke and then later took what money I had. This time is different, she had the money and I had the debt, which has now been paid off.

 

[Tall_Timbers]

But being way past that stage, I'd have a hard time considering a romantic relationship with someone who wasn't financially responsible (not rich -- just responsible,) because if not, I know from past experience that eventually, it would all fall on me.

Poor stewardship of resources can lead to a lot of problems... It's wise not to marry into all those problems that would surely arise. Better to remain friends in such cases.

 

[Snackersmom]

I have to agree with @seoulsearch and @MsMediator here. I don't need a guy to be rich by any means, but if he's financially irresponsible that's a huge turnoff.

When all or most of the financial responsibility falls to the wife that can make it really hard to submit to the husbands leadership in other areas of life as well. It's like having all the responsibility but none of the authority, which I know would cause me a lot of anxiety.

On the flipside, the thought of marrying a guy who was loaded and just played all the time is almost as unappealing as the thought of marrying a guy who couldn't live within his means and is always broke. So maybe it's more about living with conviction .

 

[zeroturbulence]

Hey Everyone,

We've talked about this before, but recent posts here in Singles made me want to bring this topic up again.

How "financially set" should someone be before "qualifying" to look for a spouse?

I know the answers are going to be wide and varied. I'm going to write a poll, but with system limitations, I'll only be able to mention a few variables, so I'm looking forward to what people have to say in their posts. For the sake of privacy, this poll is multiple choice but will NOT show your name or what you voted for -- hopefully making everyone feel comfortable enough to at least answer the poll.

From what I've observed in life, if everyone waited until they were "financially set" to do something, nothing would ever get done. If everyone waited to "have enough money" to go to college/back to school, get married, have kids -- I don't think many people would ever officially "qualify."

So how "well-off" or "well-prepared" should someone be in order to start dating?

I do feel sorry for men in this area, as it's often expected that men should pay, since they are going to be future providers -- which means they will automatically need enough money for two (even more, if the woman has kids,) when they start dating. (As a woman, I always offer to pay for myself, and if he's told me about having a long history of being used by women for money, I just pay for both of us so he hopefully won't count me out as just another woman using him as an ATM.)

I also feel that some women (not all of course, but some,) agree to dates where they might not actually be interested in the guy, but, we've all heard the phrase, "At least I got a free dinner" (which I personally feel is terribly dishonest and unfair, as it's just using someone.)

But, that's just me.

My parent's volunteer ministry is free financial counseling, helping people get out of credit card debt, etc. Over the years, they've run into people making $25,000 who learned to better manage what they had than people knocking down $400,000 -- and spending it like water. From observing this, I've come to the conclusion that I'm much more concerned about how a person handles what they do have rather than only looking at what they make, or how much they have in the bank.

If I met someone, I'd be looking at things like steady employment, personal responsibility, total debt and how it's being handled, why/whether more debt is being accumulated, and how the person budgets/plans for the future. (I currently have no debts, but have made many sacrifices to do this. For instance, I don't own a home, though I have in the past, but have found that for now, I'm more comfortable with renting rather then chaining myself to a huge mortgage for umpteen years.) However, I also know that being a renter vs. a homeowner might be a turnoff to potential dates.

What about you?

* When taking a look at your own situation, what goals/finanical milestones do you feel you need to meet before being a good match for someone else?

* When looking at someone else, what kind of "financial baselines" are you hoping they will have met/are meeting?

* What are the differences of being a man vs. being a woman? Are men automatically expected to have more/less debt/more savings because they will be seen as providers?

* How does this affect age/the dating timeline? It takes time to become financially established. How long would you expect to wait/what age would you expect people to be more financially secure? Could you hold off dating until then?

* If someone -- you or anyone else -- doesn't meet these certain "financial qulifications" -- should they just avoid dating altogether until they do?

* Or do you feel that since no one really ever "has enough" money before doing something, should you (and everyone else) should just take the plunge, whether you have any money or not, and trust God to do the rest?

I am looking forward to having an interesting and meaningful conversation!

There is a well-known psychologist who said people aren't necessarily attracted to how much money someone has, but rather to how much potential they have. And that mostly applies to young people. I think older folks just want someone who makes them feel special and isn't going to be a financial burden (at least for the foreseeable future). Of course young people want someone that makes them feel special too, but we're talking about finances.

 

[MsMediator]

There is a well-known psychologist who said people aren't necessarily attracted to how much money someone has, but rather to how much potential they have. And that mostly applies to young people. I think older folks just want someone who makes them feel special and isn't going to be a financial burden (at least for the foreseeable future). Of course young people want someone that makes them feel special too, but we're talking about finances.

That's actually very true. As I get older, I feel the same. I care about potential less and more on whether he is stable.