Dealing with a daughter who doesn't seem to value modesty

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IrishDadbob

New member
#1
Apr 23, 2025
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#1
I'm just wondering if there's any advice there
I'm a married dad with a daughter who has just turned 14, and you know how teens tend to dress nowadays
I'm a Christian man who values modesty and doesn't think it's appropriate for girls that age to be showing cleavage or shorts that are barely covering thighs, and with events like teen discos coming up into her life I'm worried even more, some of the things worn there would barely pass as underwear

I'm not sure how to deal with this as my wife doesn't see the big deal with her dressing like her firends do and how most girls do
and seeing instagram and tiktok posts from her in everythign from low cut tank top or crop tops to even bikini pictures from the beach / pool
it's a struggle I'm doing badly with
 
Magenta

Magenta

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#2
Jul 3, 2015
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#2
Hello Bob, you sound like lovely dad who loves his daughter and wants to protect her from the things she is
so naively unaware of, and at her age, yes, it is to be expected that she does not know how wicked people
can be. It is too bad that your wife is not onboard with you around this issue. Prayer may be your best option...


Welcome!
:)
 
HealthAndHappiness

HealthAndHappiness

Well-known member
#3
Jul 7, 2022
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#3
IrishDadbob said:
I'm just wondering if there's any advice there
I'm a married dad with a daughter who has just turned 14, and you know how teens tend to dress nowadays
I'm a Christian man who values modesty and doesn't think it's appropriate for girls that age to be showing cleavage or shorts that are barely covering thighs, and with events like teen discos coming up into her life I'm worried even more, some of the things worn there would barely pass as underwear

I'm not sure how to deal with this as my wife doesn't see the big deal with her dressing like her firends do and how most girls do
and seeing instagram and tiktok posts from her in everythign from low cut tank top or crop tops to even bikini pictures from the beach / pool
it's a struggle I'm doing badly with
Click to expand...
Magenta is much better with explaining what I agree with too.
I'll just be the guy and be more direct. I tend to be less like the ladies here when talking guy to guy and to the point in a most posts. Don't take offense as I don't know you and won't assume anything but the best.

The women need to be sat down and taught the Bible at their new home devotions. They need that leadership even if they don't think they do right now. Get them both Saved< if they're not. Then not only will you have such a blessing of the family on their way to Heaven some day, but the Holy Spirit will assist your role as head of the household. From that point on He will be working on the inside desires while you speak the truth of God's Word < in love and power. That may save a future marriage as well as you raising the grandchildren. I am not being personal. I don't even know you all. I'm just speaking from observing many other's experiences. The world thinks that a trip to the Dr or Health Department is the quick easy solution. All it shows is consent during the teen and college years for patterns begun where she begins. It's much easier to train up your child while she is young than to try to correct mistakes the next few years.

You got to get your Mrs on the same page or at least not defying you in front of your daughter . I'm personally against government schooling. Even Christian schools expose children to peers that are not who reflect your values as a Bible believing Christian. Home schooling would be my option if I were leading a family. BTW, I was on the school board of an independent Baptist school K-12. I still recommend home schooling and traditional families.
 
Mem

Mem

Senior Member
#4
Sep 23, 2014
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#4
IrishDadbob said:
it's a struggle I'm doing badly with
Click to expand...
Coincidentally (or was it by design:unsure:hmm) I happened to just look into 1Timothy2 within which context is the passage with concern toward instructions to women to adorn themselves, with modesty and self-control, in good deeds. Perhaps you can offer her something to think about if offer some commentary such as, "it seems these girls on tiktok consider their tas tas and trunk junks to be their 'best deeds.'

There's is instruction in scripture elsewhere that suggests that we should spur one another to 'good deeds' so, without guidance from that points toward a better path than those ways being suggested by the lost in the world, it's only natural that she would go in this direction. You can help her form a better vision toward which to place her energy and strive for than that diverges from the 'glory' that tiktok's claim. But at the least, perhaps you can help her see where that road, rather than what tiktok's promises, actually would lead her to. And, coupling that with helping her realize the vision of where modesty and self-control lead, I'd imagine the impact your influence would have a chance of helping her stand against the world.
 
Godsgirl1983

Godsgirl1983

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#5
Feb 2, 2023
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#5
It's a difficult situation for sure, but I'm sure it must be even more difficult if Mom is okay with this and allowing your daughter to dress in inappropriate ways.
Since I don't know you or your situation personally, I can not just say "you need to do this and this and this and stop doing that" .

What I do think is important though is to make sure your wife understands where you are coming from as your daughters father and protector. Making sure she understands that you're not viewing this as "that's my little baby girl and she's becoming all grown up and it's hard for Dad to see his baby girl becoming a young woman"
Make sure wife understands you're viewing this situation as your daughters protector, knowing that the choices she's making today can hold serious consequences tomorrow.

Often times when I see mothers approving of their daughters lifestyles like this it is because it's not much different than her own lifestyle/values. Maybe it is because wife/mom needs some work in this area herself?

Parents faithful, consistent prayers can be a powerful thing. Keep fighting the good fight and don't give up when the times gets too tough.
 
Mem

Mem

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#6
Sep 23, 2014
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#6
The supper table is designed to better initiate family conversation, which is important in keeping up with 'what's going on in your world? in your head?' and make sure she is receiving a positive influence that builds up her identity as a unique and valued individual, regardless of any general public opinion of what makes someone a 'super star.'
 
Lynx

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
#7
Aug 13, 2014
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#7
IrishDadbob said:
I'm just wondering if there's any advice there
I'm a married dad with a daughter who has just turned 14, and you know how teens tend to dress nowadays
I'm a Christian man who values modesty and doesn't think it's appropriate for girls that age to be showing cleavage or shorts that are barely covering thighs, and with events like teen discos coming up into her life I'm worried even more, some of the things worn there would barely pass as underwear

I'm not sure how to deal with this as my wife doesn't see the big deal with her dressing like her firends do and how most girls do
and seeing instagram and tiktok posts from her in everythign from low cut tank top or crop tops to even bikini pictures from the beach / pool
it's a struggle I'm doing badly with
Click to expand...
First, howdy and welcome to the forum.

Second, I've never raised a kid so I have no advice on how to get a girl to listen to her father. From what I've seen it's not possible.

Third, "you get what you advertise for." If you advertise your body, you get a guy who wants your body. Show off something else about you, maybe you get a different kind of guy. (This is a line you might store away for when she complains that she can't find a good man, or complains about her boyfriend.)

Ultimately you might be left helping her pick up the pieces after a bad experience, because it might take one of those for her to learn. Maybe she'll get lucky or very observant and learn from someone else's bad experience instead.

If it comes down to that, try to be as little "I told you so" as you can, and as much "here, I'll help you start over" as you can manage. I know that's not very cheerful, but speaking as someone who has had to learn by touching the electric fence himself, sometimes that's the only way a person will learn.
 
S

Suze

Active member
#8
Mar 14, 2025
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#8
IrishDadbob said:
I'm just wondering if there's any advice there
I'm a married dad with a daughter who has just turned 14, and you know how teens tend to dress nowadays
I'm a Christian man who values modesty and doesn't think it's appropriate for girls that age to be showing cleavage or shorts that are barely covering thighs, and with events like teen discos coming up into her life I'm worried even more, some of the things worn there would barely pass as underwear

I'm not sure how to deal with this as my wife doesn't see the big deal with her dressing like her firends do and how most girls do
and seeing instagram and tiktok posts from her in everythign from low cut tank top or crop tops to even bikini pictures from the beach / pool
it's a struggle I'm doing badly with
Click to expand...
If she has gotten to the age of fourteen without knowing about modesty then I worry that if u try to impose things on her now it will result in a deep resentment from her towards u . No judgement intended but she should already have been trained up in that area before now . Discipline and good personal morals can b taught from a very young age and if it's been left untill now , there may b a power struggle . At her age she is going to b testing boundaries and wanting to take more control of her life . This is a tough time for her remember , she's full of hormones and they will make her feel sensative and insecure and she wants to b like her friends . Maybe her friends r part of the problem , do u know her friends ? A lot of women , especially the younger ones , r very niave about what goes on in the mind of the average male . Has your daughter been told the facts of life ? Does she know about the dangers ? U need to get your wife on board and u two need to present a united front . When I was a child , my parents bought my clothes and I had no say in the matter until I was a teenager and even then they could overrule me , I didn't have money to buy my own clothes . I think as a society we allow our children too much responsibility too soon , I think we need to b parents for longer and ease them into this world more slowly than many of us do . I hope I haven't offended u with anything I said , as I don't know u I can only give my generalized opinions on this subject . Please forgive me if u feel I have overstepped the line .
 
JohnDB

JohnDB

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#9
Jan 16, 2021
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#9
IrishDadbob said:
I'm just wondering if there's any advice there
I'm a married dad with a daughter who has just turned 14, and you know how teens tend to dress nowadays
I'm a Christian man who values modesty and doesn't think it's appropriate for girls that age to be showing cleavage or shorts that are barely covering thighs, and with events like teen discos coming up into her life I'm worried even more, some of the things worn there would barely pass as underwear

I'm not sure how to deal with this as my wife doesn't see the big deal with her dressing like her firends do and how most girls do
and seeing instagram and tiktok posts from her in everythign from low cut tank top or crop tops to even bikini pictures from the beach / pool
it's a struggle I'm doing badly with
Click to expand...
It's the squeik effect of her becoming a young lady.

She is maturing and not the same cute little girl who was consumed with chewing on crayons just a few years ago.

And that maturity comes with sexually alluring body features which make it difficult for you to pick her up and cuddle her in your lap like you used to do.

And if you do not figure it out....it's going to end in catastrophe.

She still wants and craves YOUR physical attention....meaning hugs and kisses and cuddles in your lap. And if she doesn't still get them you are subconsciously teaching her that her body is her own enemy. It's the start of a complete psychosis causing all sorts of mental health problems for her. From eating disorders to being the hat that gets passed. (Party girl mentality)

But you can teach her more about boys and guys her age and what they want but can't figure out. Like how to just treat her as a friend and not a sex object without a brain and feelings.

And yes, if her mother is OK with how she is dressing....it's probably fine. (Don't know....I ain't there)

I have a bunch of nieces that act like they are my daughters moreso than my nieces. They complained when my dad was in "their bedroom" visiting us from out of town. (Spare bedroom used for overnight guests)

But they get the hugs and kisses from me as if they were my daughters. It's not sexual....it's just loving care and concern for children who used to run about in diapers and nothing else. Their Uncle John is simply someone who cares deeply about and for them. It's not creepy or anything bad at all. And it helps promote the difference between positive vs negative attention.

I tell my Sister-in-law (recently graduated with her masters degree) she needs to wink and smile at more guys. I need a cool Brother-in-law to play with. She is literally less than half my age....she was a flower girl at her sister's and my wedding. Same age as my son. But....she gets treated almost as a daughter.

Girls just want the love and to feel loved.
And if they don't get it, they will settle for sex...or possibly likes or dollars from an OnlyFans website.
 
Gideon300

Gideon300

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Mar 18, 2021
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#10
IrishDadbob said:
I'm just wondering if there's any advice there
I'm a married dad with a daughter who has just turned 14, and you know how teens tend to dress nowadays
I'm a Christian man who values modesty and doesn't think it's appropriate for girls that age to be showing cleavage or shorts that are barely covering thighs, and with events like teen discos coming up into her life I'm worried even more, some of the things worn there would barely pass as underwear

I'm not sure how to deal with this as my wife doesn't see the big deal with her dressing like her firends do and how most girls do
and seeing instagram and tiktok posts from her in everythign from low cut tank top or crop tops to even bikini pictures from the beach / pool
it's a struggle I'm doing badly with
Click to expand...
Yes, it's a problem. She needs to know to how men talk about girls who dress immodestly. For sure it is not with respect! I suggest you seek out a mature Christian woman who shares your concerns. Your daughter may listen to someone who is not related. Your wife also needs to know. "Boys will be boys" is one of the reasons for so many children born out of wedlock. A lot of fathers think their sons should indulge their lust as if it is a badge of honour.

I spent nearly 9 years in a male dominated environment. I have some idea how men view women and the rank hypocrisy that goes with that view. If a woman resists male attention, she is frigid. If she gives in, she is a slut. Tell your daughter if all she wants is to be a notch on some egoist's belt, she's going about it the right way.
 
Gideon300

Gideon300

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#13
Mem said:
Whether wearing a turtleneck or a plunging neckline, she'll be stepping out into a world of wolves.
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Still better to dress modestly. A lot of women seem oblivious to what men are really like, outside of Christ. I know someone, a single mother, whose daughter dressed, shall we say, inappropriately. The mother complained that men were staring at her daughter's obvious "assets". I said to her, what do you expect? Men are men. She said that I did not perv on her daughter. I explained that being born again made me less inclined.

Next time I saw them, mother had made daughter cover up. They moved away so I lost track.
 
Mem

Mem

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Sep 23, 2014
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Gideon300 said:
Still better to dress modestly. A lot of women seem oblivious to what men are really like, outside of Christ. I know someone, a single mother, whose daughter dressed, shall we say, inappropriately. The mother complained that men were staring at her daughter's obvious "assets". I said to her, what do you expect? Men are men. She said that I did not perv on her daughter. I explained that being born again made me less inclined.

Next time I saw them, mother had made daughter cover up. They moved away so I lost track.
Click to expand...
I'm not against dressing attractively, one of my aspirations had been dress design, and I'm partial to the tailored look or the 'perfect fit.' Are you old enough to remember the MGM girls? However, I seen the 'designer' dresses these days are mostly eyesores, it seems long gone are the days of Edith Head and "dignified" beauty (regardless of how they behaved 'behind the scenes') but none the less, looking attractive was and still is the goal. Perhaps I should have gone into some niche of design after all and come up with something that might magnetize the viewer to one's mind, other than the tshirt that says, "My eyes are up here." :LOL:

The point is, a girls should be, as you alluded to, just as mindful of the guys' mind as much as her own. Whiles she's only thinking of showing off her assets, he's thinking he's got his own 'assets' that he'd like to show off too...:unsure:
 
Smoke

Smoke

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Oct 27, 2016
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"Modesty" is very subjective and relative. Do Christian women dress like how the bible describes how women dressed back then? Most don't, so what is modest? Does the modesty standard constantly get shifted between cultures and timelines? Do personal convictions take priority, or do we appeal to a post-biblical standard of modesty that we were raised thinking was modest? Surely, we can find common ground as to what is immodest, but not as easy to define what is modest.


I'm reminded of this scene from my favorite movie of all time, the Shawshank Redemption. Fast-forward to the 1:00 mark. When I first watched it as a kid, I honestly didn't understand why they had such a reaction. My dad explained to me that sex and body image wasn't so heavily pushed as much. I was completely desensitized to this scene as a young kid. I still don't think it's overly immodest (by contemporary standards). Is this considered modest now?
 
Tall_Timbers

Tall_Timbers

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With the mom having a differing opinion, it makes the conundrum more difficult than it has to be. I raised 2 boys and 2 girls and didn't see that problem myself. They all were under my instruction from the very beginning of their lives and were taught Biblical principles.

If I were in your shoes I'd fast and pray before going forward. I certainly would not want to see my daughters dressing promiscuously. How does her mom dress?
 
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IrishDadbob

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Apr 23, 2025
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#17
Tall_Timbers said:
With the mom having a differing opinion, it makes the conundrum more difficult than it has to be. I raised 2 boys and 2 girls and didn't see that problem myself. They all were under my instruction from the very beginning of their lives and were taught Biblical principles.

If I were in your shoes I'd fast and pray before going forward. I certainly would not want to see my daughters dressing promiscuously. How does her mom dress?
Click to expand...
She isn't exactly conservative or anything
But nowhere near this level, she might wear some tank tops or shorts out but still pretty covering
 
Tall_Timbers

Tall_Timbers

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#18
IrishDadbob said:
She isn't exactly conservative or anything
But nowhere near this level, she might wear some tank tops or shorts out but still pretty covering
Click to expand...
I asked because if her mom is wearing things that show a lot of skin, then neither mother nor daughter will see a problem with it.
 
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