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Crumbling marriage
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Thank you for your reply. I spoke with my pastor and he said he is praying for us.
Something else I remembered after posting my previous reply: after my marriage ended, I found the daily devotional from DivorceCare.org to be encouraging and helpful.
Today I have the opportunity to move out and separate from my husband. I am looking for guidance and prayer. Please help me.
I'm very sorry to hear your situation like everyone here, this is a hard place to be in. So how exactly does he look at this. I mean I know you said he thinks you should be over it and gets triggered by it being brought up, but how did he react when you first confronted him on it? Was he dismissive from the jump, or did he show guilt and apologize to you? Did you ever feel like he was really sorry for it at any point? Does it bother him that it hurts you? I'm just curious if he ever showed remorse for hurting you at least.
When I first confronted him, he become vile and angry. He blamed me saying that he used porn when he was upset with me, but later he admitted that he used porn when he got these urges.
My husband was dismissive saying that it did not have anything to do with our marriage. He treated me with contempt and still does when I bring up the subject. I do not think he is sincerely sorry and does not show any empathy for me. I do not think he is capable of feeling empathy for how this has devastated me. He has said he is sorry, but I do not believe he is truly remorseful.
i am sorry to hear of these troubles. i wish for you immediate spiritual healing.
what to do:
1. become a born again Christian immediately if you are not one.
2. pray to Jesus about all the concerns. ask Him to show you all the wrong elements.
3. go to your favorite quiet place & search yourself & admit, identify, recognize & correct all your faults. being dishonest in any area can obviate a solution.
4. find a known trusted Christian pastor & or counselor, & meet with said person, you & your husband.
5. pray & believe, don't for 1 moment let you belief stray.
6. sometimes a trusted friend can render proper advice.
almost always, if a guy is viewing porn, there's something he's not happy about concerning the relationship. of the fine personal details of romance, see if you were denying him something. that is almost always the case. about beauty, Adrian Rogers once said, "women, keep yourselves beautiful for your husbands". blessings to you. i will pray for you.
Hello VictorianJesus, I'm sorry to hear that it has come to this for you and your family but, hopefully, a separation (if that is what the Lord is leading you to do now) may help him realize why the porn he is addicted to needs to go.
I haven't had any experience with family members addicted to porn, but I've had/have alcohol and drug addicts, and it's simply horrible. The thing is, when people are truly addicted to something like one of the above, whatever they are addicted to becomes, far and away, the most important thing in their life, even more important than their families or even God Himself (they do, I believe, so desperately want what they are addicted to that it, in a very real sense, becomes their "god"/what they worship).
There are hospitals, in and outpatient rehab facilities, sober houses and AA meetings, etc. for drug and alcohol addicts, so surely this is something similar for those addicted to porn, too(?) Perhaps your pastor would know where your husband could go for help .. when he wants help, that is (he cannot be forced to seek help, it just doesn't work .. which is where things like separations and interventions come in .. to help him make the difficult decision that he needs to make right now, to turn away from his addiction).
Please keep us (and, of course, your pastor) updated whenever you can, and whenever you want/need us to pray for you, etc., going forward Most importantly, trust God to see you through all of this .. e.g. Proverbs 3:5-6.
Praying for you now, your family and, of course, your husband.
God bless you!! (Isaiah 41:10)
--David
Lamentations 3
22 The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Thy faithfulness.
24 “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have hope in Him.”
Okay, dang. I'm so sorry. It's no wonder you haven't "got over it". He has offered no acknowledgement of his wrong doing in the matter, and that's the very beginning of making things right. It's a step that can't be skipped. It also isn't a very good evidence that he is in fact saved. When we are born again the Spirit guides us to these truths, so to be able to seem completely oblivious to them doesn't point the right direction.
One thing is that the anger when being confronted with it does show at least that he knows it's not right. Plus as a man I can tell you from experience that being caught doing this by your wife/girlfriend is one of the most embarrassing things ever, and I can even understand an angry toned defense at first when getting caught. It's a defense mechanism the same as blaming you for his choice to look at it. It's just how our flawed minds work, but the HUGE problem is not being able to come back to you after the initial embarrassment and tell you he is sorry and work to reconcile everything. The fact this hasn't happened in 3 years is troubling and not a good sign at all. I'm sure you've tried many times to talk it out with Him but he always gets mad or blames you, correct?
If that's the case I do truly feel for you and can understand how this one thing has been enough to drive you crazy. The only "advice" I'd give is to keep praying, keep going to God for support and strength. I guess that advice for everything all the time, but I also think of Jesus teaching us to even look at a woman with lust is already adultery, and the truth is he's not just looking, he is also sinning against his own body as Paul describes it. So I agree with what a couple others have said as far as him meeting the only thing God gives us the "okay" to leave them for. That said I do very much hate that for you because it seems exactly what you were trying so hard not to do, but the sad truth is it can't be done but only one side, if he is just that unwilling to consider and care about your feelings and marriage enough to even fake being sorry at all in 5 years, added to the unwillingness to self reflect and see his own flaws and sin do not leave you with a whole lot of room to do anything else. One thing I do KNOW is you are worth more than that and deserve more respect and consideration than what you've described him showing you. I pray God leads you to the right decision and to peace in life. I pray the He wrap you in His love and comfort and guide you to what ever brings you closer to His peace.
Your husband is a human being. He isn't a machine. You have to accept him as he is. Not for who you want him to be. Didn't you promise, "In good and bad, in sickness and in health."
You're old school. I respect you for your values. It's fair to expect your spouse to love you as you love your spouse. In today's world it's very normal for a spouse to be addicted to porn.
You have a spouse. A safe place. Many men and women don't have what you have. Don't take your marriage for granted. It is God's gift to you. He kept you safe. If your partner has a problem, it is his problem, not yours.
The burden is shared of course since you are married to him. It's not your fault.
It is not ok because he has an addiction. You must help him quit it. He should want to quit it too.
Start a constructive dialogue with him. Ask him why does he do it. Tell him how you feel about it.
Don't tell him what he should and shouldn't be doing or judge him to his face. He should be knowing that already.
Patience. Seek pastoral help. Find marriage counselors.
Sorry you have to go through this.
You asked for help. I'm trying to help. Hope what I shared with you helps.
God bless you and family
Hi V...
As your display name VictorianJesus, so believe that Jesus Christ has victory over your marriage. So I say please hold on just a little bit longer because the bible says in Isa. 40:31 We that wait upon the Lord will renew our strength.
And most importantly God said..."For I Hate Divorce" Mal. 2:16
Dear Sis, remember that our weapon of warfare are not canal. Your husband is not the issue here. It is the Spirit of porn that you should war against so you can save your husband from it's shackles.
Now, let's ask God for strength and wisdom to shift focus, baring in mind that we cannot fight this battle with a canal view e.g... unforgiveness, anger, frustration, bitterness, negative energy/utterances etc.
I join my faith with yours Sis, and rebuke the devil who is the author of confusion in the mighty name of Jesus Christ. We will not give room for him to be successful over your marriage. Instead your marriage will stand for Christ.
Am sharing a study note I did couple of months ago. I pray as you meditate on it, the Holy Spirit will take over your home. Please share your testimony because it will happen in Jesus name. Amen.
Take care and God bless you.
Make sure you put your decision through the "peace" test. Do you feel peace about it?
I feel like your pastor should meet with your husband to see if he has a repentant heart but is simply dealing with some pride issues. It sounds like maybe he is just bruised about being called out by his wife on his sin. When Julia cheated on me and I found out, she denied it and tried her hardest to cover it up for about three days before finally caving under the weight of her sin. It took many months of humility on her part (and on mine too) to finally reconcile and now two years later our marriage better than ever! So I don't give up hope for you guys if God is still moving between you two and there is repentance and forgiveness, tons of time and counseling. Love you guys.
R & J
This week I listened to two sermons that cover your topic. Judging from your crisis, I'm sure the Biblical truth taught applies exactly to your situation. The Lord speaks to your broken heart too.
Start with >THIS<..
Part 2 is >HERE<...
The camera was set up early, so just scroll to the appropriate place. I would take notes and follow along in your KJ Bible for the reading of those chapters.
I will pray for you.
God will provide the guidance from His Word.
Precious @VictorianJesus, I will pray for you - please Be Very Richly Encouraged And Edified
In Christ, and In His Precious Word Of Truth!:
God's Grace Word for our infirmities!
Amen.
i know how you feel, i have been down that same road. You feel like you aren’t good enough, and unloved. And it is very very hurtful. I ive been married for 38 years and my husband fought the temptations of porn sense the beginning. .It crippled our marriage for me As well. I would wake up during the night and he would be in the living room watching tv and change the channels real quickly. It is an evil spirit to have living in your home. And the,sins,of,the,Fathers,and,fall on the children. My girls are now grown, and he has retired and I’ve even told him I want a divorce, and have papers from a law company in my computer. He told me he was not attra to me…But I don’t have the money to divorce. I’m sick with fibromyalgia. I just have drawn closer to God and I cry and talk to him. I made the big mistake of going on social media and there were plenty of men that would tell me how beautiful I was, and how they wanted to marry me. But then they ended up scamming me of most of the money I had saved up. And now I’m even in worse shape. Please don’t go that direction. Now he has taken over our checking,account and I have nothing because he is a narcissist.
is he still using porn or is he trying to quit, and sorry for his actions? And do you have a close relationship with him besides this or is your relationship distant. it is one of the most hurtful things. Satan wants to kill steal and destroy the family. But if your husband is working with you through this, and loving you and sorry for what he was doing. Then keep trying. But if he has no compassion, and doesn’t care, and you have a support group and can afford to, if he isn’t working with you, you need to leave him. Especially if he is stilldoing it. Porn is a habit just as all other sins are. You can fight this spiritually if your Husband is willing. Anoint your house with anointing oil and pray over it and your husband daily. I sure don’t have all the answers, I wish I did. But myself I don’t feel loved like a wife should be loved. I feel cheated, and broken myself. Just keep,praying and listening for that still small,voice of God. And He will help,you,and,comfort you. And he will let you know what to do,and,give you peace.
I've been on the opposite side, ironically it hurt that the wife didn't have a problem with it. His reaction is most likely and instinctive defense in nature, if after sometime I would hope he at the very least admits that whatever the underlying problem(if any) that watching porn isn't the way to handle it and it is a sin.
a lifetime continuation of the sin of committing sexual sins with porn is very hard to handle. Both of these situations are horrible. But a life time habitual habit is something that really gets down not the spirit of the innocent spouse and continually hurts. The trust is broken. And it’s hard. It all depends on the the husband and if he is willing to stop, and then a miracle needs to take place. Just pray for peace. Being someone who has suffered the same situation, I would tell you to leave him. Let him know how serious you are. Then let God direct you in the paths you should go.
Much love in Christ
You must be a man, and looking at it from a man’s perspective. But this subject is much more hurtful and brutal for a woman. Especially one that fount out he had been doing this for 30 years. The human spirit can easily crumble if this spouse that has this problem does not support the brutal hurt the mother, and wife is going through. It’s in the word of God it says “ if a man looks upon a woman to lust after her, he already has committed adulty in his heart. and this man didn’t just do this one time, it was a continual problem. If he has no compassion to feel the wounds of his wife, the insuring of not being enough for him…then he doesn’t deserve her.
I'm a man and I disagree with much of what he said. So let's put a hold on blanket statements on one group.
Besides more women watch porn now than you'd expect.