Contentment in singlehood

[Edith]

After my last post on single and searching. and several discussion here. I have come to notice that Christian singles both male and female are very comfortable in Singlehood. Its like we device plans in staying single. The post of Register now and that of my brother ceph and many others... got me thinking...

If everyone is contented, the boys are contented, the girls are contented and we hope God may bring someone, if not we are contented.
My questions are;

Are we not too contented to see the one God may bring?

is this contentment not going to be a barrier to beautiful relationships if God brings the one? yeah we may be too contented to call, or pamper or receive pampering ( pamper sounds archaic, I don't know love talks/languages please bare with me)

Is too much contentment not a form of defense from hurt and pain?

This one may be me I can discuss for long with a man but if he says relationship or date fear creeps in, I start finding faults and reasons why it can't work. till the man leaves I don't find peace.

Is this contentment a healthy one?

just my reflection

Disclaimer: Every child of God has peace and feels happy in all situation. This post is not about this.

 

[lisatanner]

love cant be forced and not guaranteed.

 

[Lynx]

*Lynx peers over the edge of his perch, purrs at Edith and goes back to his nap.

 

[Lynx]

After my last post on single and searching. and several discussion here. I have come to notice that Christian singles both male and female are very comfortable in Singlehood. Its like we device plans in staying single. The post of Register now and that of my brother ceph and many others... got me thinking...

If everyone is contented, the boys are contented, the girls are contented and we hope God may bring someone, if not we are contented.
My questions are;

Are we not too contented to see the one God may bring?

is this contentment not going to be a barrier to beautiful relationships if God brings the one? yeah we may be too contented to call, or pamper or receive pampering ( pamper sounds archaic, I don't know love talks/languages please bare with me)

Is too much contentment not a form of defense from hurt and pain?

This one may be me I can discuss for long with a man but if he says relationship or date fear creeps in, I start finding faults and reasons why it can't work. till the man leaves I don't find peace.

Is this contentment a healthy one?

just my reflection

Disclaimer: Every child of God has peace and feels happy in all situation. This post is not about this.

Okay, okay, a serious reply. Yes I can do serious. Occasionally.

Personally I'm not opposed to a relationship. I just haven't tried to find one. Some people have said I should be out there trying to find one. I disagree.

I am aware that if I do find a relationship, it will be much less comfortable and require much more energy than my current lifestyle. But I have always been willing to spend energy and resources if the result is worth it.

 

[MsMediator]

Everyone should learn how to be content alone. I think a couple can be contented at a unhealthy level too, such as they cannot do anything alone. Yes, both can be contented in a unhealthy way.

 

[Levib]

After my last post on single and searching. and several discussion here. I have come to notice that Christian singles both male and female are very comfortable in Singlehood. Its like we device plans in staying single. The post of Register now and that of my brother ceph and many others... got me thinking...

If everyone is contented, the boys are contented, the girls are contented and we hope God may bring someone, if not we are contented.
My questions are;

Are we not too contented to see the one God may bring?

is this contentment not going to be a barrier to beautiful relationships if God brings the one? yeah we may be too contented to call, or pamper or receive pampering ( pamper sounds archaic, I don't know love talks/languages please bare with me)

Is too much contentment not a form of defense from hurt and pain?

This one may be me I can discuss for long with a man but if he says relationship or date fear creeps in, I start finding faults and reasons why it can't work. till the man leaves I don't find peace.

Is this contentment a healthy one?

just my reflection

Disclaimer: Every child of God has peace and feels happy in all situation. This post is not about this.

No it is not healthy or contentment. Anyone posting in a ‘singles’ thread is not fully content.

 

[Magenta]

1 Corinthians ch 7 v 24 Brothers, each one should remain in the situation he was in when God called him.

 

[Krumbeard]

In

After my last post on single and searching. and several discussion here. I have come to notice that Christian singles both male and female are very comfortable in Singlehood. Its like we device plans in staying single. The post of Register now and that of my brother ceph and many others... got me thinking...

If everyone is contented, the boys are contented, the girls are contented and we hope God may bring someone, if not we are contented.
My questions are;

Are we not too contented to see the one God may bring?

is this contentment not going to be a barrier to beautiful relationships if God brings the one? yeah we may be too contented to call, or pamper or receive pampering ( pamper sounds archaic, I don't know love talks/languages please bare with me)

Is too much contentment not a form of defense from hurt and pain?

This one may be me I can discuss for long with a man but if he says relationship or date fear creeps in, I start finding faults and reasons why it can't work. till the man leaves I don't find peace.

Is this contentment a healthy one?

just my reflection

Disclaimer: Every child of God has peace and feels happy in all situation. This post is not about this.

Interesting questions and thoughts.

Not sure what I think, but it is insightful.

 

[CarriePie]

I think I've always felt pretty content being single.
I have had times of contentment when in a relationship. Personally speaking though, the miserable times in relationships (even good ones) is much more miserable than miserable times being single. This is probably just a personal thing, but I find conflict/drama in relationships to be incredibly draining.
Maybe I'm too independent and/or solitary. Maybe I just really like an above average amount of peace and quiet. Being single is great. I have the time and choice to spend time with my loved ones, time to quietly watch the birds and wildlife, time to delve into hobbies/interests that are therapeutic to me.
I've always been very apprehensive about the thought of myself being married. Mind you, I think marriage is a wonderful thing!
I just don't think I'd personally be content being married.

Is this contentment healthy? Good question. For me, I think that it is better than me taking a chance to get married to find out it's as I figured it would be...I wouldn't be content lol.
I'm only speaking for myself here!! Of course, I hope all singles seek God's will and guidance for their own lives and if they enter a relationship/marriage that they find that they are content and prefer it over being single.

 

[Lynx]

No it is not healthy or contentment. Anyone posting in a ‘singles’ thread is not fully content.

I'm not?

 

[CarriePie]

I'm not?

I second this reaction.

 

[seoulsearch]

After my last post on single and searching. and several discussion here. I have come to notice that Christian singles both male and female are very comfortable in Singlehood. Its like we device plans in staying single. The post of Register now and that of my brother ceph and many others... got me thinking...

If everyone is contented, the boys are contented, the girls are contented and we hope God may bring someone, if not we are contented.
My questions are;

Are we not too contented to see the one God may bring?

is this contentment not going to be a barrier to beautiful relationships if God brings the one? yeah we may be too contented to call, or pamper or receive pampering ( pamper sounds archaic, I don't know love talks/languages please bare with me)

Is too much contentment not a form of defense from hurt and pain?

This one may be me I can discuss for long with a man but if he says relationship or date fear creeps in, I start finding faults and reasons why it can't work. till the man leaves I don't find peace.

Is this contentment a healthy one?

just my reflection

Disclaimer: Every child of God has peace and feels happy in all situation. This post is not about this.

Hi Edith,

Thanks for another great thread!

I can only speak for myself, but much of my "contentedness" in being single is due to "sorrowful comparison." In other words, is the sorrow I have now better or worse than the sorrow I had in marriage and relationships?

I think back to coming home the day my husband packed up and left when I thought I was having a normal day at work and came home to a half-empty house; I remember the phone call my friend made at like 2 in the morning telling me he had a girlfriend; and I close my eyes in sorrow when I remember the day I got the papers in the mail saying, "You Are Being Sued For Divorce."

I think back to a long-term relationship I had with an alcoholic and how I became the nearly single parent of his children by default, because he was too drunk to remember to feed them. He couldn't work, so I was paying most of his expenses and court bills as well. I look back and remember nothing but agony.

And then I come back to reality. I look around my empty little place. I throw my keys on the counter, hearing their empty echo throughout the house, and I close my eyes with a different kind of sorrow.

But I also pray, "Lord God, thank you for rescuing me from my own terrible decisions and stubbornness that made me think I absolutely couldn't be alone."

I've also found that it's incredibly important (for me at least,) to pay attention to what kind of people you are choosing to be around in your free time. I didn't realize it at first, but I was in chats and groups with a lot of people who had very accomplished lives, but they were obsessed with relationships.

The singles I was around at the time were constantly preoccupied or competing for "the one" -- or out on the hunt for "the next right one" when the last one didn't work out. Even some of the married's I was around were always talking about who was with who, who was leaving or who was having problems, etc. It was a literal echo chamber around nothing but finding someone, keeping someone, or surviving drama because of someone.

And I didn't even realize how this was making me depressed, anxious, and afraid of missing out -- the same as these other people, no matter how successful they were.

Then I came to CC. And though it took many years, God put me into a group of singles, and welcoming marrieds, who had full, accomplished lives -- but were NOT obsessed with dating or relationships. Sure, they might have the longing, but they have plenty of other interests and the enthusiasm they have for the place God has them in, as well as their service to others. And it's SO much healthier for me than being around those who are always talking about their latest Christian Mingle match.

Now, I'm certainly not saying that there's anything wrong with being out on a very active search for "the one." I was like that for a long time, but it only saddened and exhausted me.

I feel much calmer, happier, inspired -- and am learning so much more -- when talking to singles who are content serving in the place God has them.

Many of them, like me, are also content due to "sorrowful comparison" -- finding more peace in singleness than in a contentious relationship-- and while they're all open to God's leading, they don't try to create doors where there aren't any or push doors open that God intends to keep closed.

And I am so thankful for that, because I'm pretty sure that's what I was doing, and I was miserable.

Right now I am "contentedly single" because it's more peaceful to me than any relationship I've had, but, following the lead of my other single peers, I try to remain as open to possible to whatever winds of change God may bring.

 

[JesusLives]

I got married at 17 and divorced at 24. Then had 35 years of single life. I was so hurt by my divorce I swore I would never get divorced again even if it meant not getting remarried. Was I content not so much

I was extremely fearful of commitment at that point and just set men aside for a while. Once in a while I would date. Even had a couple of marriage proposals but I was too scared to commit and would run.

I just got used to the routine of single life and it is a lot simpler than being married as you don't have to consider another persons opinions and you can make all the choices you want to make on your own.

My second marriage happened when I was 59 and much better equipped to be married. This marriage has been a piece of cake compared to the first one and I won't ever be getting another divorce this one is until one of us passes on.

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

Hi Edith,

Thanks for another great thread!

I can only speak for myself, but much of my "contentedness" in being single is due to "sorrowful comparison." In other words, is the sorrow I have now better or worse than the sorrow I had in marriage and relationships?

I think back to coming home the day my husband packed up and left when I thought I was having a normal day at work and came home to a half-empty house; I remember the phone call my friend made at like 2 in the morning telling me he had a girlfriend; and I close my eyes in sorrow when I remember the day I got the papers in the mail saying, "You Are Being Sued For Divorce."

I think back to a long-term relationship I had with an alcoholic and how I became the nearly single parent of his children by default, because he was too drunk to remember to feed them. He couldn't work, so I was paying most of his expenses and court bills as well. I look back and remember nothing but agony.

And then I come back to reality. I look around my empty little place. I throw my keys on the counter, hearing their empty echo throughout the house, and I close my eyes with a different kind of sorrow.

But I also pray, "Lord God, thank you for rescuing me from my own terrible decisions and stubbornness that made me think I absolutely couldn't be alone."

I've also found that it's incredibly important (for me at least,) to pay attention to what kind of people you are choosing to be around in your free time. I didn't realize it at first, but I was in chats and groups with a lot of people who had very accomplished lives, but they were obsessed with relationships.

The singles I was around at the time were constantly preoccupied or competing for "the one" -- or out on the hunt for "the next right one" when the last one didn't work out. Even some of the married's I was around were always talking about who was with who, who was leaving or who was having problems, etc. It was a literal echo chamber around nothing but finding someone, keeping someone, or surviving drama because of someone.

And I didn't even realize how this was making me depressed, anxious, and afraid of missing out -- the same as these other people, no matter how successful they were.

Then I came to CC. And though it took many years, God put me into a group of singles, and welcoming marrieds, who had full, accomplished lives -- but were NOT obsessed with dating or relationships. Sure, they might have the longing, but they have plenty of other interests and the enthusiasm they have for the place God has them in, as well as their service to others. And it's SO much healthier for me than being around those who are always talking about their latest Christian Mingle match.

Now, I'm certainly not saying that there's anything wrong with being out on a very active search for "the one." I was like that for a long time, but it only saddened and exhausted me.

I feel much calmer, happier, inspired -- and am learning so much more -- when talking to singles who are content serving in the place God has them.

Many of them, like me, are also content due to "sorrowful comparison" -- finding more peace in singleness than in a contentious relationship-- and while they're all open to God's leading, they don't try to create doors where there aren't any or push doors open that God intends to keep closed.

And I am so thankful for that, because I'm pretty sure that's what I was doing, and I was miserable.

Right now I am "contentedly single" because it's more peaceful to me than any relationship I've had, but, following the lead of my other single peers, I try to remain as open to possible to whatever winds of change God may bring.

I didn't look for a relationship at all. I was in ministry, I was traveling year round, never in the same place for long. I was seeing new places, meeting new people, spreading the Gospel as I felt called to do. Then we moved south and my sister found a husband. He had a child from another marriage and it was a whole bunch of drama that I was glad I avoided. Then my sister started to try to find me a husband. One had a son and was looking for a mother for him. The other I never met but she asked me if I minded fat people. I kindly thanked her and told her I would find someone myself if I was ever interested. She left the family ministry but I continued for several years more.

Then one day I found out my family was talking behind my back saying I was getting too old to find a husband. I was going to be that crazy cat lady, only with dogs. I had never cared or listened to people before but suddenly it hit me hard. I found someone, a someone who was out to take advantage and stayed in my life just long enough for me to know what all those country songs are about, he done me wrong songs. My own fault. I had let people make me feel worthless. Luckily, more a blessing, that I have a wonderful praying mother. I was so hurt, the first time I had tried to have a relationship and it was like sticking my hand in a bee hive. That Christmas I was so down and my mother and I were out shopping. I told her I was in no mood to celebrate the season. My dear mother said "by this time next year you could be in a relationship". And I thought "no thank you, one failure is enough for me!!" Well, I can show you the happy picture the very next Christmas where I met my husband. And the best feeling in the world was going to church together. Having someone to discuss the sermons with, to pray with. And I am so thankful that I didn't jump ahead of God a second time. Whether you are single or married, God remains faithful if we trust Him. I have to relearn that about every other day. I thank God for the single life I lived, I thank Him for the married life I am now living. I did a lot of painful growing but looking back I know He didn't leave me and He will never fail me. Or as my sweet hubby always says in the hard times "God's got this, it's going to be ok!!".

 

[Jared_K]

That is so far from the truth. It may seem like people are happy being single, but that’s not how we as humans are designed.

People who claim to be content with being single have given up or are protecting themselves. They would rather go numb than be vulnerable and get hurt again. As much as it stings getting rejected, those who endure will find their mate. While I’m all for focusing on yourself and becoming a person worth loving, cutting off your emotions is a defense mechanism, not a healthy way to cope with being alone.

Satan wants us to feel alone and isolated. Wants us to think we‘ll never find someone. And when you see everyone around you getting into a relationship and you wonder “Why in the heck am I still alone?” It definitely feels that way sometimes. God has to move several pieces on the board around for someone to finally see you.

Love isn’t magical, it’s not destiny, it’s not fate, it’s not a 24/7 dopamine rush. Love is being able to stand being around someone for 10 or more minutes at a time. The standards for love have become so impossibly high for most people that its nothing short of a miracle that anyone finds a partner these days.

 

[Lynx]

People who claim to be content with being single have given up or are protecting themselves. They would rather go numb than be vulnerable and get hurt again. As much as it stings getting rejected, those who endure will find their mate. While I’m all for focusing on yourself and becoming a person worth loving, cutting off your emotions is a defense mechanism, not a healthy way to cope with being alone.

There are so many things wrong with this blanket statement. It might be true for some people, but not for everyone. Not even for most.

I would elaborate on how many things in this statement are wrong when applied to EVERYONE, but I would like to take a nap more.

The whole thing could be fixed though, by putting the word "Some" in front of it.

(Some) people who claim to be content with being single have given up or are protecting themselves. They would rather go numb than be vulnerable and get hurt again. As much as it stings getting rejected, those who endure will find their mate. While I’m all for focusing on yourself and becoming a person worth loving, cutting off your emotions is a defense mechanism, not a healthy way to cope with being alone.

 

[Edith]

*Lynx peers over the edge of his perch, purrs at Edith and goes back to his nap.

That sounds cute and it's something a lynx would obviously do

Okay, okay, a serious reply. Yes I can do serious. Occasionally.

Personally I'm not opposed to a relationship. I just haven't tried to find one. Some people have said I should be out there trying to find one. I disagree.

I am aware that if I do find a relationship, it will be much less comfortable and require much more energy than my current lifestyle. But I have always been willing to spend energy and resources if the result is worth it.

What if it becomes simpler?
I always say this, when you are in love lifting a baobab tree is very easy because you don't reason rationally anymore. think about it or may be try it.

 

[Edith]

1 Corinthians ch 7 v 24 Brothers, each one should remain in the situation he was in when God called him.

Marge You know I can't wait to meet the Apostle Paul. He is always giving me reason to over search scriptures. God called me I was single, should I stay single no not sure. He and I RDV in heaven we are gonna discuss it.

 

[Edith]

I think I've always felt pretty content being single.
I have had times of contentment when in a relationship. Personally speaking though, the miserable times in relationships (even good ones) is much more miserable than miserable times being single. This is probably just a personal thing, but I find conflict/drama in relationships to be incredibly draining.
Maybe I'm too independent and/or solitary. Maybe I just really like an above average amount of peace and quiet. Being single is great. I have the time and choice to spend time with my loved ones, time to quietly watch the birds and wildlife, time to delve into hobbies/interests that are therapeutic to me.
I've always been very apprehensive about the thought of myself being married. Mind you, I think marriage is a wonderful thing!
I just don't think I'd personally be content being married.

Is this contentment healthy? Good question. For me, I think that it is better than me taking a chance to get married to find out it's as I figured it would be...I wouldn't be content lol.
I'm only speaking for myself here!! Of course, I hope all singles seek God's will and guidance for their own lives and if they enter a relationship/marriage that they find that they are content and prefer it over being single.

You are right I will just add that Single or in Marriage we will always have people throwing things we don't like at us. we are prayer people what if ours is God given.
I told my mom my difficulties in trusting marriage, hinting that I may not be married and my mom asked me if I was her. Because hers did not go well does not mean mine will not go well. so that is where I am now hoping mine be better. Carrie you are a sweet soul. God gave you that sweetness to sweetens someone's life with. I pray it happen soon

 

[Edith]

I got married at 17 and divorced at 24. Then had 35 years of single life. I was so hurt by my divorce I swore I would never get divorced again even if it meant not getting remarried. Was I content not so much

I was extremely fearful of commitment at that point and just set men aside for a while. Once in a while I would date. Even had a couple of marriage proposals but I was too scared to commit and would run.

I just got used to the routine of single life and it is a lot simpler than being married as you don't have to consider another persons opinions and you can make all the choices you want to make on your own.

My second marriage happened when I was 59 and much better equipped to be married. This marriage has been a piece of cake compared to the first one and I won't ever be getting another divorce this one is until one of us passes on.

Thank you for that testimony. More happiness for you and your one and only.