@ Daniel
"Read your Bible daily! Learn what the Bible says, instead of intrusive thoughts whispering in your ear. That is experiential, not based on what the Bible actually says.
Get people to pray for you, and see a psychiatrist to see how much of what you are troubled by is your brain malfunctioning, and how much is the devil, or bad theology! You can get over this, you are not going to hell for blasphemy!!
Here's a short passage God told me to
Memorize and meditate on."
Just checking up to see how you are progressing. I wrote that passage in a long post #46 on Sept 6, 2022. It was, I hope, clear instructions on how to follow God.
1. Have you read your Bible daily? That is where to learn about God, the gospel, as well as how to live for God. If you don't read, then you will remain ignorant of God's instructions!!
2. How many Bible verses have you memorized? Do you mediate on them daily? Ask God to give you special verses that address your situation! But to find those verses, you need to read the Bible. One of the first verses God gave me, when I was also worried I had lost, or might lose my salvation!
"And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose," Roman's 8:28 NET
Next was a great assurance that God finishes what he starts! and that means us! He works on us to sanctify and make us whole our whole lives.
"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completionuntil the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
3. Have you set up an appointment to see a Christian counsellor, and a Psychiatrist? If not, how can you change, and get rid of this OCD called scrupulosity?!
Here's a definition and symptoms of this disease!:
"
Scrupulosity is a subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) involving religious or moral obsessions. Scrupulous individuals are overly concerned that something they thought or did might be a sin or other violation of religious or moral doctrine. They may worry about what their thoughts or behavior mean about who they are as a person.
What are the symptoms of scrupulosity?
Common
obsessions seen in scrupulosity include excessive concerns about:
Fear of committing blasphemy, or offending/angering God
- Fear of having committed a sin
- Behaving overly morally
- Excessively striving for purity
- Fear of going to hell or being punished by God
- Fear of being possessed
- Fear of death
- Fear of the loss of impulse control
- Doubting what you truly believe or feel
- Needing to acquire certainty about religious beliefs
Along with excessive worry about religious and moral issues, scrupulosity sufferers engage in mental and/or behavioral compulsions and avoidance of triggering situations."
Here is a link which includes the above!
https://iocdf.org/faith-ocd/what-is-ocd-scrupulosity/
I'm sorry, but this definition reads like everything you wrote on this thread. You could check almost every box!
So, please stop ruminating, and follow some practical disciplines like:
1. Read your Bible daily
2. Memorize Bible verses and meditate on them. Preferably encouraging verses!
3. See a psychiatrist and get a diagnosis, take meds to be rid of the obtrusive thoughts. The fact your "break" from God happened when you were 14 makes sense, that's the age, boys in particular start developing a conscience. You were a few years later but well within the time to develop OVD scrupulosity!
"OCD can start at any time from preschool to adulthood. Although OCD does occur at earlier ages, there are generally two age ranges when OCD first appears: Between ages 10 and 12 and between the late teens and early adulthood."
https://www.everydayhealth.com/anxiety-disorders/experts-what-age-does-ocd-begin.aspx#:~:text=OCD can start at any time from preschool to adulthood,late teens and early adulthood.&text=It typically starts between 18 and 25 but can begin anytime.
Finally, begin prayer again. Don't ask God for anything. Tell God your heart, but mostly praise and worship Him. Prayer is about God. To many people think prayer is about a grocery list of problems that you deliver to God, as rapidly as you can.
I challenge you to do these things, and start today! God is waiting to welcome you back to the fold, like a lost sheep.