When You Start to Date Someone, Do You Feel Like You Have to Prove to Them You're Not "Everyone Else"?

No, just be yourself… if it does not work then they are not for you.

No. .. It shows hun.

in general people are not clones or generic (unless they admit they were test tube babies or something) So you can safely have your own personality and not worry you have to be someone else.

I think people mistakenly have this idea that all females are the same or all males are the same. Well they are not, even twins are different.

Jacob was so different from Esau and they were born on the same day.

Pictures or it never happened. 😉

I think it is the opposite for me. I find that gals I have dated wish I was more like everyone else. I reckon I can be so overwhelming being a true romantic.

Being such a romantic, I like to keep it fresh and never get old or stale. So like a scavenger hunt the thrill of the experience or the surprise of opening a gift.

I like to keep me a surprise and let the gal open and experience who I am. So I think it gets a bit overwhelming each time they open and discover each new split personality of mine. Oh the pains of being a romantic

I'm usually the one that someone has to prove to me they're different.

But I can say for certain telling me that you're different means Nothing. Nearly every woman who hurt me said they were different. And even seemed upset that I would equate them to others actions. But they still ended up being the same.

Even with my current gf, she told me she was different, and was upset that I'd think such things of her, early on.
But after 2 years we're still together, not because her words, but her actions. That's what showed me she was different. So I put more trust in her now than anyone I've dated for a long time.

oh the romantic guy (incurable romantic!).
Hes the one that loves you the second he lays his eyes on you, gives you highly flattering compliments (you are goddess, he worships you, his life would be nothing without you! ) and chases after you... but, for some strange reason ...that just makes me run further AWAY

LOL................Well I was clearly being moronic in my post equating romance and not being all there together........LOL Well hope it came across as just being silly, fingers crossed it did. However, with that said I do agree that flattery is a good sign hey maybe I need to run.

When I was in the world I was a womanizer and flattery and charm was my stock and trade. So I fully agree with you that excessive flattery should be a red flag. In fact if the guy always says the right thing run and run fast. When I was in the world us guys who knew the right thing to say all we are doing is manipulating you for our own selfish gain.

It was easy, women really do say what they want or what they are needing. For example I would talk with a girl and if she would say quite a bit, something like I am not like other girls. Depending on the circumstance cause every circumstance is different and what is being said can mean different things.

In this example we will say she is a real pretty girl. So that made me aware that the last ten guys who spoke with her went on about how beautiful she was or how her eyes would light a room. Blah......LOL I am colorblind so I would use that and use it to make myself look vulnerable.

So I would pretend I never heard her say for the 3rd time in as many conversations how she was not like other gals. Would make myself vulnerable and say something like wow you really have such a eye and a refined taste. I notice every time I see you, just how you stick out with the way you put yourself together. Other women could really learn something from you.

Then I would say I am colorblind so please excuse me but I am so curious not knowing the exact color or being able to see them. What color are your shoes and what color does it match with on your floral pattern dress which color is it that is bringing your whole ensemble together. Then if she then began to go on and explain to me and not stop there but also explain how her refined eye could be seen in other aspects of her life in her fashion, her taste in home decorating, and etc.

Then I would throw out something like if you own a dog I bet you even fashion him up in doggy shirts and how the shirt and collar have to be color coordinated. Bet folks that know ya tease ya about that unique trait of yours huh. Then if she said yes I would laugh with her. Using humor, charm, flattery, and coming across like I really got her and saw how she was not like other gals. Once I knew i had my foot in the door and she would be dropping her guard all I had to do was to keep listening to things she said about herself and keep up the affirmation. So she never saw me coming. I know that is horrible and that is how I was in the world but now a new creation. Praise the Lord for that.

So I say all this to confirm what you have said that men who know all the right things to say are a red flag. Also to say that as I read these single forums some men do admit they just don't know what to say to a girl and get overlooked. Those guys in my experience of talking to them don't know how to because they are just wanting and looking for one gal to make their own. So just keep a aye out for guys who are not all that refined because they are so because they only want one.

Where not always, but a good part of us guys who are refined and can say all the right things we got that way from practice, practice, practice.

Which the outside box is never indicative of the value of the gift inside. This goes for males as well as females.

Well anyway I have turned my initial silliness into some kind of point.............LOL Anyway all that to say I agree with ya and hope my initial comment did read like I was being ridiculous............LOL I really do just like making fun of life and it's interactions so will oft be way ridiculous when I do so...................LOL

oh man...my eyes kind of glazed over because it actually takes a lot of mental gymnastics to follow someone when they are lying and pretending all the time.

You just be you. Be real.
If people cant handle it then they were not meant for you. Jesus offended lots of people but he was just being himself.

if someone has been hurt in the past they need healing not another date.
I know people say if you fall off a horse just get straight back on but if you were badly injured it takes a bit of time to heal. Hopefully they will have learned to hold on or they learned some horse whispering skills in the meantime .

Perhaps for some hurting people dating is therapy.

Hun every body ain't gonna heal the same or at the same time. Ain't no length of time for the healing process hun. Everybody different.

I don't think you should ever be put in a position to prove yourself for someone else's faults, much less apologize for other women's choices. That's just unreasonable and unrealistic.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with those types of situations. If a man makes you feel that way, take it as a red flag and kindly remove yourself from the equation.

When you know your worth, you don't need to prove anything to anyone. And if someone else has trust issues that is their own issue they need to resolve. We can't resolve baggage for anyone who hasn't done so for themselves.

There's alot of women who also have the same issues with being molested, abused by men, cheated on, etc etc.. If they haven't healed and resolved those issues, that's just a bad situation waiting to happen. It's best to steer clear of that.

And please stop paying for dates! That's not how it works. And for all the emotional ride these guys put you through, the least they could do is PAY! What you're doing with them it's called therapy and it isn't free. And it isn't you're responsibility.

I have felt that way, but I hope to never act on it in the future. With one of my last dating situations, I was doing great being myself until she told me why she was "a hot mess"... why she had a breakdown because of the 'last-guy-situations'. At that point I started to say and do odd unlike-me things that I thought would help her build/gain some trust in me, but instead were usually misunderstood in bad ways. And so, I kinda doubt anyone can "adjust" or make some "out-of-character-overtures" that will be successful. I think you just have to be yourself.

I also highly recommend saying goodbye to anyone who tells you they are anything like "a hot mess". I just heard a psychologist say people who say these things are serious, they aren't exaggerating or being whimsical. You may want to "help them", but after they've told you something like that, with your 'acceptance', you're giving them consent to be 'a hot mess' with you.


I don't believe I'm contradicting myself when I say I think what you're doing with the 'picking up the check' behaviors are a good thing. Because I think that's authentically you now, and it's getting across what you're intending. I swear I think it's an "us versus them" situation out there... not a 'male versus female' situation, but rather a 'users, just-for-fun, leading-you-on, insincere, unsane people' versus 'decent, sincere, open, intentional, sane people'.

After a dating hiatus I had recently started up again and was basically totally naive to the 'pitfalls of people'.


After telling my married brother-in-law about the last two people I dated he said, "You have to be more careful about who you give your heart to". Yeah, no joke. It's a shame it's so treacherous, but it's the only game in town, so you just have to put on your amour, open your eyes, believe what you're seeing, be willing and ready to exorcise discretion and be critical.


Good grief! That's a horrifying thing to go through. I think you'd have lean towards concluding a person was defectively insensitive if they were brushing that off like it doesn't count.


You were being tested? Really? That's intriguing! LOL You've got to tell me, Seoul, what's some ways you've been tested?

After reading your OP, I'm thinking it's not matter of proving 'your different', but rather a matter of determining if 'they are different'. You know, just be yourself, let them do their tests, and be discerning of them. Apparently, God doesn't prescreen people we're going date LOL. We have to be selective. One has to vocalize their values, express righteous indignation and not be afraid to offend.

didnt specify a time just that they need healing.

did I say people had a set time to heal? dont know where you got that from.

God no Did I hear you say that

Thats the worst thing they could do. And dating a therapist is a no. no. Therapists should not think about dating their clients. They can get, what is the word...for malpractice...

Actually I'm glad you responded because you was out of line for telling someone if they were hurt in the past, they need to heal not another date, now did you not say that? Yes or No? Dear speak for yourself, because your feelings on healing is not going to apply to everyone else's feelings. Once again, everyone is different. God bless dear

I was curious, how do people heal from a hurt in the past?

Usually? Slowly and incompletely.

I agree with your estimation. Time may heal all wounds but there is usually scar tissue.