When You Start to Date Someone, Do You Feel Like You Have to Prove to Them You're Not "Everyone Else"?

[Joy4N8cher]

It requires a real relationship and knowing what He is really like personality wise. That's not easy for most people to understand. God IS a person and personable. And my wife loves my relationship with him.

I want to find this thread on this site!!!

 

[JohnDB]

Something someone mentioned before and has been eluded to is this concept of baggage.

Ok... well I hate to say it but everyone has baggage. It comes first from our parents as they are the ones who teach us by demonstrating what love is...love for a child while you watched what love for a spouse looks like.

Then as things progress you end up with relationship baggage made up of fears and needs and unfulfilled ambitions. It's like knowing intrinsically that the glowy thing on the stove is hot.

Everyone who has lived has these automatic reactions to situations that come from experience. They can't not flinch except by willingness to change and deliberately working on not flinching. For those familiar with handgun target shooting it's like cap and ball exercises...they help you overcome flinching when pulling the trigger.

My wife knows most of my flinches...she tries to work around them until they meet up with one of her "flinches" from her baggage. And then I have to get around mine and help her with her baggage. Communication really helps.

Everyone has baggage. That's why GRACE works inside of marriage. It's not about what the other person does for me but what I can do for them?

 

[seoulsearch]

SS... this might be the next step... let a 'great guy' who is just not for you, go. This is profoundly wise.

Hi Joy,

I agree that this is sound advice, and I have done this many times over.

I keep it as friends and don't even get to the dating level because I don't want to lead him on or waste his time.

 

[Lynx]

I know a few couples like that. People who don't exactly need each other, could get along okay without each other, but acknowledge that their lives are better with each other.

If one dies the other is always sad but never distraught. There is no expression of "how will I live without this person?" The remaining person's life still goes on because it was not completely tied up in the spouse's identity.

I kept thinking about this through the day, and I realized all the couples I know who are like this... are Christian.

I'm not sure what this means yet. Maybe I just don't know enough people. I'm going to let my brain chew on it for a while.

 

[MatthewWestfieldUK]

What's a reasonable wait before you say stop talking about the past? Id once or twice mention is enough.

Balance him out by talking about your past.

Tell him stuff you want to to together.

You are not the therapist.

Lastly, try just giving them a hug.

 

[Lanolin]

Something someone mentioned before and has been eluded to is this concept of baggage.

Ok... well I hate to say it but everyone has baggage. It comes first from our parents as they are the ones who teach us by demonstrating what love is...love for a child while you watched what love for a spouse looks like.

Then as things progress you end up with relationship baggage made up of fears and needs and unfulfilled ambitions. It's like knowing intrinsically that the glowy thing on the stove is hot.

Everyone who has lived has these automatic reactions to situations that come from experience. They can't not flinch except by willingness to change and deliberately working on not flinching. For those familiar with handgun target shooting it's like cap and ball exercises...they help you overcome flinching when pulling the trigger.

My wife knows most of my flinches...she tries to work around them until they meet up with one of her "flinches" from her baggage. And then I have to get around mine and help her with her baggage. Communication really helps.

Everyone has baggage. That's why GRACE works inside of marriage. It's not about what the other person does for me but what I can do for them?

flinches?

Dont people call them 'triggers'? As in...war veterans hear a a loud bang and it 'triggers' memories of being in a battle where they watched men die right in front of their eyes.

Apparently Jackie Kennedy had the same thing with PTSD after her husband was shot to death and his brains were splattered all over her dress. Just sayin.

Though she was kind of cursed in the sense when she married Onassis. The american public couldnt really forgive her for that.

 

[Lanolin]

On Aristotle Onnassis part he really had to outdo a President, so, he offered Jackie her own private Greek Island.

After that marriage fell apart, Jackie went out with a diamond merchant.

I mean she wasnt like other women I suppose. ?!

sorry, this probably this doesnt help you any seoul. Rich people have problems too.

 

[JohnDB]

flinches?

Dont people call them 'triggers'? As in...war veterans hear a a loud bang and it 'triggers' memories of being in a battle where they watched men die right in front of their eyes.

No...
It's more like flinching...
Where there's an unreasonable expectation you are going to be treated poorly just because of the circumstances.

If every time your mother cooked and served black eyed peas she was furious with you...and your wife cooks some... you flinch... doesn't matter that she doesn't know... you expect her to be angry at you for something. It doesn't matter if you like them or hate them... you begin to walk on eggshells or attack first because you expect an attack from her.
That's why I call it flinching.

My wife has been kind enough to point out some of my baggage and I have notice some in myself...and some in her...and then we laugh at ourselves and each other. We really can't help from having an unreasonable emotional expectation of being discounted, abused, or something.

And the other person is completely unaware of what is happening or why...she cooked a nice southern dinner not thinking a thing about it. But you acted like your dog got beat and you are fixing to...
And then when you begin looking for the remote for the television....
And that's how the fight got started.

 

[Lynx]

No...
It's more like flinching...
Where there's an unreasonable expectation you are going to be treated poorly just because of the circumstances.

*Lynx affects a "Senator Claghorn" voice:

We'all gots a sayin' down heah in the Sowth for that one. A dog what got bit by a snake gonna be skeered if'n he even sees a rope.

 

[Lanolin]

No...
It's more like flinching...
Where there's an unreasonable expectation you are going to be treated poorly just because of the circumstances.

If every time your mother cooked and served black eyed peas she was furious with you...and your wife cooks some... you flinch... doesn't matter that she doesn't know... you expect her to be angry at you for something. It doesn't matter if you like them or hate them... you begin to walk on eggshells or attack first because you expect an attack from her.
That's why I call it flinching.

My wife has been kind enough to point out some of my baggage and I have notice some in myself...and some in her...and then we laugh at ourselves and each other. We really can't help from having an unreasonable emotional expectation of being discounted, abused, or something.

And the other person is completely unaware of what is happening or why...she cooked a nice southern dinner not thinking a thing about it. But you acted like your dog got beat and you are fixing to...
And then when you begin looking for the remote for the television....
And that's how the fight got started.

I think most ppl call it as being triggered because it means you are expecting an attack even if its not in reality - based on something traumatic that happened in the past.

Pets that have been rescued from abusive homes also show this trait, for example, a friends cat has this thing about plastic bags. She is triggered whenever she hears the sound of the rustling noise it makes. Its because when she was a kitten her previous owner tried to kill her with a plastic bag.

 

[Lanolin]

a topic came up once on the forum of 'Why Jesus avoided politics' Why, for example, didnt Jesus want to be King of the Jews? He was entitled to the throne right?

well, lets see, King Herod tried to kill him when he was a baby. John the baptist was beheaded by Herods lover. And the Pharisees tried to throw him off a cliff.

I dont think you can discount things like this, plus some things like say your mother punished you with black eyes peas when you were young, are a huge deal cos when you are young you are much more vulnerable I suppose, and that is your automatic stress response (fight or flight) that carries over into adulthood.

 

[JohnDB]

I think most ppl call it as being triggered because it means you are expecting an attack even if its not in reality - based on something traumatic that happened in the past.

Pets that have been rescued from abusive homes also show this trait, for example, a friends cat has this thing about plastic bags. She is triggered whenever she hears the sound of the rustling noise it makes. Its because when she was a kitten her previous owner tried to kill her with a plastic bag.

No no no....
I always associate people who need trigger warnings those who can't take pictures of snakes and hamsters because of their emotional fragility which causes them to break down into hysterical crying fits....

This isn't that.

It's about negotiating arguments that are based loosely into control issues.

Because in my previous scenario the fight appears to be centered on the location of the remote control for the television...and both parties will argue extensively about it and what to watch on the TV or what has been watched.
When actually the argument is based on a bowl of black eyed peas.

 

[Lanolin]

oh well ok
whatver, to me its the same
I think in seouls case shes dealing with a lot more than black eyed peas aversion.

Trigger could be anything that sets off emotional distress, like the sound, taste or smell of something.

 

[Lanolin]

not sure why someone would fight over tv remote though

you can fight or argue over anything, most people fight over a ball..problem...there is only ONE ball and two people and they both want it.

solution, get TWO balls, take turns or share. I deal with this all the time with children.

 

[seoulsearch]

oh well ok
whatver, to me its the same
I think in seouls case shes dealing with a lot more than black eyed peas aversion.

Trigger could be anything that sets off emotional distress, like the sound, taste or smell of something.

I hope I'm never giving the impression that I'm ever trying to say something like, "Oh, poor Seoul, woe is me, I've just been through so much!" We've all been through something and I actually think God has spared me a lot.

Now it's true that I've always seemed to attract people who have been through the wringer, but I consider myself to be very blessed in that it's taught me a lot, and I still work on setting boundaries.

I've never dated much (I consider dating as being when you're holding hands or showing a sign of affection like a kiss,) but I have met, talked to, and spent a lot of time with people (potential friends or acquaintances,) and I eventually had to learn to draw lines.

I think of it as a huge blessing that I've been able to meet a wide variety of people, but yes, I do confess that sometimes it gets overwhelming, and I'm sure I've overwhelmed plenty of people with my baggage, too.

Great thoughts being shared...

Please continue!

 

[JohnDB]

not sure why someone would fight over tv remote though

you can fight or argue over anything, most people fight over a ball..problem...there is only ONE ball and two people and they both want it.

solution, get TWO balls, take turns or share. I deal with this all the time with children.

And exactly on what Earth are you living on?
Adults acting childishly is more often normal than not. Especially when they begin to get comfortable with each other. And if she eats the last of my Captain Crunch with crunch berries one more time....
And it doesn't matter if it's been sitting there for three months...I know it's there....it's mine!

And it goes just like that... completely childish behavior that causes arguments and rifts that keep people from "making a connection" or start unreasonable arguments.

These things are baggage... and the next potential dating partner has to make ridiculous vows of not liking Captain Crunch with crunch berries whatsoever...they like shredded wheat...and then you think that you have nothing in common because you would rather eat the box the shredded wheat comes in than the shredded wheat itself.

This is the craziness that dating has become. Both sides are actually nuts and are perfect for each other.

 

[Lanolin]

the same planet as you brother

of course its normal to fight over a remote when you cant get up and just push the button on the tv or its not even there

 

[Lanolin]

what I was saying about the cat meant that I had to be sure I didnt use plastic bags around her , or at least know why she was shy or reacted strangely when I was cat sitting.

As my friend warned or told me about it before. I dont think I can do much about it, as its not anything to do with me. I guess one has to go the extra mile prove that you arent the enemy for those who have been abused in the past.

That takes a bit of time as with anything, so i guess some people need a bit more invested than others. Its also like how not everyone accepted Jesus right away. He also had to kind of prove he was the son of God didnt He?

 

[Lanolin]

going dutch on dates is a good idea or you take turns, one date he takes you out, the next date you take him out.
If you find yourself doing most of the work and its starts to get draining then hang back a bit or take a break. with dating you arent obligated to always do everything! Also on dates the suggestions of things to do shouldnt always be one sided all the time.

It would and has super annoyed me when men think they only want to do things on their terms all the time. When some gals told me they went out with surfers and all they wanted to do on dates was surf and expect their girlfirends to sit and watch them I was like ok if you like doing that but what if you dont and doesnt that get BORING?! If the guy was a 'gentleman' maybe he would teach the girl to surf if she didnt know how. Or do things she wanted to do. What if the gal decided she wanted to go shopping and then expected her bf to just sit and watch her shop?

 

[17Bees]

Hi Joy,

I agree that this is sound advice, and I have done this many times over.

I keep it as friends and don't even get to the dating level because I don't want to lead him on or waste his time.

Yeah, I can attest to this. SS dropped me like a bag of hammers sometime back. I read this quote by Elizabeth Taylor and said something like "Just pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and get on with things". I tried it but it didn't seem to do much.