Midnight Confessions

I smoke, I curse, I lust, I lie. I'm trying not to hate. Uhm- I'm a whole mess of things.

I can relate

I confess I am highly critical

Obnoxiously so
Ungodly, unkind
It happens when I am out of fellowship, it happens when I have been isolated a long time

Now the world is forced into my history and I see what this isolation
Creates, its not just me
Its being alone all the time
Removes your filter
So when you are with people
No. Filter
And rejection
I am glad there is this site
Its helping relieve the pressure
And amplifying my lack to give this
Critical nature to God

I confess that I have some bad feelings towards my zoom group because of the way that they have behaved.

I confess I havent been back to my old church in ages because for me its the same old same old. One of the pastors left cos he got a better job elsewhere, so hes not a pastor anymore.

I feel like Im hanging round older people all the time in church and its not good for me. They are set in their ways and its hard to show them anything new or original.

Sometimes they might go over the same passage in the bible over and over in a sermon that Ive heard so many times before or conversely, avoid talking about any thing deeper spiritually at all. its frustrating not to be able to grow. In nz we have a thing called tall poppy syndrome and its basically if you try to do anything that stands out you will get your head chopped off.

Time to zoom 'em out.

lol, I have zoomed them out.

so why do married people seem to think the solution to a singles problems is to get married?

when you are In Christ, you arent ever alone, so...I kinda think that kind of thinking is redundant.

Besides, theres the story of Job and he faced all this suffering, plus he was married, all his children died but his wife was like curse God and die! so she actually wasnt that much help to him anyway!

what a great encouragement you were to your hubby Mrs Job.

Then there is proverbs 31 lady who seems to do heaps of work, but she doesnt involve her husband in her affairs. seems like she is singlehandedly running the house while her husband is away at the gates lol

Im reading a book called white lies. Part of the story is about this maori mother who bleaches her daughters skin so she can look white. Im not sure why, but I guess its to make her acceptable to the white folks who have all the money and power.

But then I think well white people go and tan and tattoo their skins to look black or different colours so I suppose they do it too.

anyway I hadnt thought about it too much until I read Mariah Careys memoir about what people try to do to fit in. But thing is nobody fits in really by being the same. Then I thought well nobody can really imitate what Mariah does with her voice. She is one of a kind. Although people sure try, its very hard to categorise people.

Im like that with plants. Each of them has a name and I dont try to grow all of one kind because, it would just be. a very boring garden if I did.

My wife names her plants too.

I pray for all of God's grace in this most worthy endeavor of yours to quit smoking. I am in bondage too. There are countless others like ourselves. In years past I have prayed for God to deliver me from this evil addiction but He did not answer my prayer. The reason that He did not was because He knew that I was lying about my desire to quit. I am not lying anymore.

I have many other recent posts about my struggle to overcome this addiction in my Pain Management Clinic thread that you may find helpful in your own struggle. And believe me, you and I both know that it is indeed a struggle.

I am starting my second month of being smoke free. I find that the nicotine lozenges are helpful but I still often think about actually smoking.

The thing is, my wife has prayed for me to quit for years and I decided, with the grace of God, to be an answer to her prayers. I don't want to sneak off for an occasional smoke as then I would have to lie to her whether or not I am still smoke free. I have lied to her in the past but by the grace of God, I will not lie to her again.

It is just like drinking alcohol. Years ago, I decided to not drink anymore period because I wanted to set a good example for my older brother who is an alcoholic. He still is drinking but I have abstained since 1992. I still love alcohol but I choose not to drink. I still love to smoke but I choose not to smoke. Today. I take it one day at a time.

This is one of the hardest things am attempting to do as I have been smoking for over 50 years. Hopefully, God will mitigate the damage I have caused to my body. Regardless, I have made God a partner in the recovery process.

My name is Jerry and I am an addict. Nicotine is my drug of choice but with God by my side I choose not to smoke.

No lie.

Today.

Wow, So proud of u! You can do it thru Christ who gives you strength! 👏🏼 Wife is a warrior!

I used to have a pair of green pothos that I called "The Normans", and another one with white spotted leaves that I called, "Natasha." I also have a purple prickly pear that I call "Percy," but he's a metal sculpture rather than a real cactus.

Then there are my ceramic goldfish, Sam and Frank.

And I'd better stop here, before anyone tries to have me have me sent to the nut house.