"Women Only Want Money"; "Men Only Want Sex." How Do You Cope With These Assumptions?

So if you ask about all the potential problems in your date's past..... is it fair to complain that they spent the whole date complaining about their exes?

Hey Everyone,

I don't know about you all, but as a long-time single in the Christian community, these two statements seem to be the most prevalent pre-conceived notions that I see in the dating world:

1. "Women Are Only Out for Money."

2. Men Are Only Out for Sex."

Here is an excerpt from a post I made in another thread:

Stereotypes are so plentiful that I would have to contemplate that maybe it takes active work to try to not buy into them.

A long time ago I seemed to be on this streak of meeting guys who said they were Christian, but one wanted me to meet him at a house where we'd be alone (on a first date,) and another, whom I actually liked and would have gone out with again -- except that he started texting me to ask how soon we could "start sharing bodies" -- after the first date.

Despite this, I didn't get to a point where I expected or thought all men would be like that. However, I did let myself believe that any guy I liked would just soon replace me anyway, so I didn't put in much effort. Fortunately, I had a couple of close friends who were willing to take on the challenge of flat-out telling me, "You need to change your attitude." What really hit home to me was when a close female friend wrote me and said, "Whenever you start talking about guys, I absolutely cringe, because I can assure you, none of the men in my family are like that."

And that's when I knew I needed to seriously repent and ask God for help (though I still admit, part of me still expects to be replaced and braces myself for it, or keeps some distance.)

I also know that the biggest belief I seem to have to fight against as a single woman is that women are only out for money. I have sat through many a (first and only) date in which the guy would tell me his entire dating history of all the women who had done him wrong, which usually involved his bank account. Now I understand that completely -- we've all been hurt, and many of us were hurt in the same way repeatedly.

But the turning point for me is when they turn it into a personal challenge and make the implication: "Prove to me that YOU'RE any different." I always, always offer to pay my own way on a date. But the minute that stereotype shows up in full force and gets projected onto me, I try my best to politely listen the rest of the time, ask the waiter for the full check for both of us so that I can pay, thank him for his time, and go on my merry way.

If someone is convinced that I'm going to be like everyone else and thinks that I have to somehow prove myself, that is the one and only time I'll make the effort to do so.

And it has also made me hyper-aware that I have to actively work against doing this to anyone else -- I can't assume that they are going to be like X (or exes,) and try to make it their job to prove that they are somehow the exception, because I don't want anyone else to do that to me.

How about all of you?

* What previously-held beliefs do you or have you thought about others when dating? What assumptions have they made about you?

* When someone assumes something about you, do you feel a need to work to prove that you are different? Do you mind feeling a need to do so, or does it leave you feeling resentful?

* How do you handle it if you assume something about someone -- and are proven wrong?

I'm guessing that most everyone in the dating community runs into these kinds of situations, and I am very interested in hearing about how the rest of you react to it.

Hey Everyone,

I don't know about you all, but as a long-time single in the Christian community, these two statements seem to be the most prevalent pre-conceived notions that I see in the dating world:

1. "Women Are Only Out for Money."

2. Men Are Only Out for Sex."

Here is an excerpt from a post I made in another thread:

Stereotypes are so plentiful that I would have to contemplate that maybe it takes active work to try to not buy into them.

A long time ago I seemed to be on this streak of meeting guys who said they were Christian, but one wanted me to meet him at a house where we'd be alone (on a first date,) and another, whom I actually liked and would have gone out with again -- except that he started texting me to ask how soon we could "start sharing bodies" -- after the first date.

Despite this, I didn't get to a point where I expected or thought all men would be like that. However, I did let myself believe that any guy I liked would just soon replace me anyway, so I didn't put in much effort. Fortunately, I had a couple of close friends who were willing to take on the challenge of flat-out telling me, "You need to change your attitude." What really hit home to me was when a close female friend wrote me and said, "Whenever you start talking about guys, I absolutely cringe, because I can assure you, none of the men in my family are like that."

And that's when I knew I needed to seriously repent and ask God for help (though I still admit, part of me still expects to be replaced and braces myself for it, or keeps some distance.)

I also know that the biggest belief I seem to have to fight against as a single woman is that women are only out for money. I have sat through many a (first and only) date in which the guy would tell me his entire dating history of all the women who had done him wrong, which usually involved his bank account. Now I understand that completely -- we've all been hurt, and many of us were hurt in the same way repeatedly.

But the turning point for me is when they turn it into a personal challenge and make the implication: "Prove to me that YOU'RE any different." I always, always offer to pay my own way on a date. But the minute that stereotype shows up in full force and gets projected onto me, I try my best to politely listen the rest of the time, ask the waiter for the full check for both of us so that I can pay, thank him for his time, and go on my merry way.

If someone is convinced that I'm going to be like everyone else and thinks that I have to somehow prove myself, that is the one and only time I'll make the effort to do so.

And it has also made me hyper-aware that I have to actively work against doing this to anyone else -- I can't assume that they are going to be like X (or exes,) and try to make it their job to prove that they are somehow the exception, because I don't want anyone else to do that to me.

How about all of you?

* What previously-held beliefs do you or have you thought about others when dating? What assumptions have they made about you?

* When someone assumes something about you, do you feel a need to work to prove that you are different? Do you mind feeling a need to do so, or does it leave you feeling resentful?

* How do you handle it if you assume something about someone -- and are proven wrong?

I'm guessing that most everyone in the dating community runs into these kinds of situations, and I am very interested in hearing about how the rest of you react to it.

@cinder -- I loved what you said about respecting someone else's hard-earned money as much as your own. If I ever get on the dating sites again, remind me to have you write my profile.

Problem is if I write your profile, you'll probably end up going on dates with my perfect guy.

And before I'm done with it really should add a line about must be as good of a person as my dog.

I think men are much more interested in a woman who is always nice to them not matter what. They want respect and kindness and politeness 24x7. Is this too much to ask? Isn't it the same quality as being a Christian?

Women are probably looking for the same thing.

What about dating to get married and not just dating to date? I see that alot now and days.. that people just want to date around, but the foundation of wanting to date to get married is hardly around anymore. Call me 'ol fashioned, I guess lol, but I admire that notion

Single, available Christian men without huge red flags of vice or massive issues to overcome are almost Unicorns in status. These mythical creatures actually do exist but in numbers so small that they are thought to not exist whatsoever.

Which brings me to the point at hand: How do you put the CHRISTIAN in CHRISTIAN dating? What are the values we are to uphold as Christian people? How are we to relate to one another as believing people part of the same Church body? How do we deal with those among the Body whom have suffered significant amounts of trauma and dysfunction? All dating aside, do we have the compassion to build trust with these people, welcome them in our midst and create a positive church environment based upon the compassion for and acceptance of other people?

This is absolutely worthy of it's own thread. Just saying (at least until I get some more chores done, then I may take it upon myself to write that thread if no one else does).