For the People Who Champion Lifetime Singleness - What's Your Advice for Dealing with Single Sexuality?

Hmm... how to say this without losing our PG rating...

I'm reminded of a story set a few centuries ago, when a pirate ship docked at a bay where there was a Catholic convent. A group of pirates came ashore and a group of nuns went to the front door of the convent to meet them. The lead pirate, the spokespirate if you will, started making some leading statements about how they had been at sea for a long time and none of them had even seen a woman for many days.

One of the sharper-tongued nuns said, "Have they lost the use of their hands?"

We have a range of opinions about singleness here in the forum -- some people very adamantly want to get married, while some very adamantly want to remain single, and some people are in between -- which seems perfectly normal. I would say that for myself, I would fall into the in-between category -- how about you? I think God calls us all to different situations, with no one-size-fits-all answer.

The one question I always want to ask them is, "But what would your advice be for singles who struggle with sexuality?" After all, absolutely everyone in the Christian community always quotes the infamous passage that it is "better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9.)

The churches I join always seem to have congregations I don't really fit into.

It is not that complicated. If you don't have the gift you should get married.

If you do have the gift then you don't "struggle" nor do you feel like you are missing anything.

As a matter of fact those that have the gift are a bit repulsed by the idea of sex and would find it a burden and a chore that they have to endure to be a "good marriage partner."

If someone views the idea of never having sex as a tragedy or a sad future, they do not have this gift and they should get married.

Most young people are not going to want to swear off sex forever nor are they going to desire solitude.

What does "the gift" look like? It like a "calling" and it is exciting and desirable to the one that has it. They don't want to marry or have sex. They like the idea of staying single, and not having to deal with sex at all. Therefore there is no "plan" necessary for dealing with a life without sex.

If there needs to be some kind of plan then one should get married. THAT IS THE PLAN.

I think things get complicated with a person realizes that he/she doesn't like sex after getting married, or realize that sex didn't live up to its name. Many women like sex, but also many do not but are willing to go through with it for their husband and/or to have kids. People who have had sex with multiple people say that certain partners satisfied them more than others. So, it could be a case of the person realizing that he/she is no longer interested in sex but also that he/she is not being satisfied with their spouse.

Hey Everyone,

We have a range of opinions about singleness here in the forum -- some people very adamantly want to get married, while some very adamantly want to remain single, and some people are in between -- which seems perfectly normal. I would say that for myself, I would fall into the in-between category -- how about you? I think God calls us all to different situations, with no one-size-fits-all answer.

Even though I sometimes feel I could go in either direction (whether to marry or to stay single,) I definitely pay attention to posts by users who seem to be perfectly content as a single, intend on being single for the rest of their lives, or are at peace with the thought, because I always wonder how they do it.

The one question I always want to ask them is, "But what would your advice be for singles who struggle with sexuality?" After all, absolutely everyone in the Christian community always quotes the infamous passage that it is "better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9.) First of all, I'm sure I'd have a ton of money in the bank if I could count the number of times I've seen that advice given to singles. Secondly, the people who give that advice don't seem to acknowledge the other side of the coin -- well-meaning Christians who do get married and even convince themselves that they're in love, but if you go far enough below the surface, the driving motivation to get married was sex (and you see this mentioned sometimes in the Forum Family threads as a reason for the breakup of a marriage.)

I have nothing but admiration for those who fight to remain to protect their singleness at all costs. But I also feels it's important that when strongly advocating a point of view, it should be pertinent to offer well-rounded advice on how to live out that decision.

We now have a thread asking divorced people to disclose the extremely personal issues as to why they are divorced; I felt it was only fair to ask those who plan to remain single forever how they deal with sexuality, and what their advice would be to other singles who struggle with it, because to ignore this topic and act like it doesn't exist just keeps people in a place where they suffer in silence. It tells people what to do, but doesn't realistically tell them how to do it, or acknowledge the struggles they are going through.

As a long-time single myself, sexuality is the number one question I get asked about by other singles.

It's fine and dandy to never get married. But what's your game plan on dealing with things like porn and knowing that if you stay single, you are never, E.V.E.R. allowed to have any form of sexual expression for the rest of your life? Even for singles who don't outwardly mention it, this is usually the question that's always hinging in their minds (at least from my experience in the single Christian community.)

For anyone who is brave enough to answer, it's fine to just give generalizations and not personal details about yourself.

It's that it sometimes feels like there is a very strong anti-marriage sentiment here in Singles -- as if wanting to find someone and get married is wrong, or anyone who wants to do so is some kind of moron. While I agree that getting married be wrong for some people -- maybe sexuality isn't an issue for them, and that's why they can do it -- I definitely believe that God still calls others to be married, and it would be wrong to try to stop them from doing so.

However, for those who insist that the single life is the only way to go -- what suggestions and advice do you have for others who want to adapt to long-term or permanent singleness?

intresting question how come you get asked this a lot seoul?

Do you run a lonely hearts hotline on the side or something. Ive never rung suicide line although I have counselled the odd person who had suicidal thoughts. It had nothing to do with sexuality..the person had boyfriend and was living in what oldies would have called sin already, so it was not that she was starved.

the reasons for suicide are not what peoole stererotypically think because even in couples one person may commit it and the other person has no idea. Its not really the 'nobody loves me' kind of thing. its a bit more complex.

unlike some psychiatrists who think they are qualified to weigh in, the answer to everything is not sex.

I would consider myself in-between, but perhaps lean towards wanting to get married. Falling in love (most important), getting married, and having a kid or two (either my own or adopted) would be nice. Being single to me means the relaxed, quiet, simple, and content lifestyle (meaning I have time to read, do jigsaw puzzles, wake up late, spend quality time with pets (I don't have any right now), time for special projects/volunteer/hobbies, brunches with/meaningful conversations with friends, etc.). In any case, my single life right now is not the ideal single life that I imagine. Right now, my schedule is basically work, grab something/or cook something quick for dinner, watch TV, read a bit (maybe) then sleep. I don't have too many close friends nearby, so weekends can be boring/sometimes lonely. I have two close friends from church, but we don't really do fun things like go to the movies.



I don't think I struggle with this. In my future marriage, I would seek companionship/friendship more than sex. This is actually one of my concerns about entering a marriage. What if my spouse is sex-crazed but I am not? I actually think I could be celibate for life but I would want companionship/friendship. In my experience, friends (even best friends) come and go, so they are not able to offer the same kind of companionship/friendship that one gets from a spouse.

I think masturbation/having impure thoughts/watching porn is unclean. I wouldn't urge people engaging in these activities to get married right away, because I think they need to work on themselves first rather than burdening their new spouse with their unclean habits. I have had Christian women (including a female pastor) tell me that masturbation is okay though, but without the impure thoughts.



Unfortunately this has been my experience with churches, and this has been a disappointment since I expected to have a close knit of best friends from church. I don't fit in churches that are too conservative (only male leadership, fire/brimstone, etc.) or churches that are too family-oriented where singles feel like outcasts. I don't fit in churches where the racial make-up greatly leans one way either (including Indian churches). Currently my church is half white and half black (even though the black population is quite international), however I have been wanting to fit into this church for a long time but realistically speaking I have not. During this election cycle (and also during the past few years), I have also realized that I don't fit in politically speaking.

Hey Everyone,

We have a range of opinions about singleness here in the forum -- some people very adamantly want to get married, while some very adamantly want to remain single, and some people are in between -- which seems perfectly normal. I would say that for myself, I would fall into the in-between category -- how about you? I think God calls us all to different situations, with no one-size-fits-all answer.

Even though I sometimes feel I could go in either direction (whether to marry or to stay single,) I definitely pay attention to posts by users who seem to be perfectly content as a single, intend on being single for the rest of their lives, or are at peace with the thought, because I always wonder how they do it.

The one question I always want to ask them is, "But what would your advice be for singles who struggle with sexuality?" After all, absolutely everyone in the Christian community always quotes the infamous passage that it is "better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9.) First of all, I'm sure I'd have a ton of money in the bank if I could count the number of times I've seen that advice given to singles. Secondly, the people who give that advice don't seem to acknowledge the other side of the coin -- well-meaning Christians who do get married and even convince themselves that they're in love, but if you go far enough below the surface, the driving motivation to get married was sex (and you see this mentioned sometimes in the Forum Family threads as a reason for the breakup of a marriage.)

I have nothing but admiration for those who fight to remain to protect their singleness at all costs. But I also feels it's important that when strongly advocating a point of view, it should be pertinent to offer well-rounded advice on how to live out that decision.

We now have a thread asking divorced people to disclose the extremely personal issues as to why they are divorced; I felt it was only fair to ask those who plan to remain single forever how they deal with sexuality, and what their advice would be to other singles who struggle with it, because to ignore this topic and act like it doesn't exist just keeps people in a place where they suffer in silence. It tells people what to do, but doesn't realistically tell them how to do it, or acknowledge the struggles they are going through.

As a long-time single myself, sexuality is the number one question I get asked about by other singles.

It's fine and dandy to never get married. But what's your game plan on dealing with things like porn and knowing that if you stay single, you are never, E.V.E.R. allowed to have any form of sexual expression for the rest of your life? Even for singles who don't outwardly mention it, this is usually the question that's always hinging in their minds (at least from my experience in the single Christian community.)

For anyone who is brave enough to answer, it's fine to just give generalizations and not personal details about yourself.

It's that it sometimes feels like there is a very strong anti-marriage sentiment here in Singles -- as if wanting to find someone and get married is wrong, or anyone who wants to do so is some kind of moron. While I agree that getting married be wrong for some people -- maybe sexuality isn't an issue for them, and that's why they can do it -- I definitely believe that God still calls others to be married, and it would be wrong to try to stop them from doing so.

However, for those who insist that the single life is the only way to go -- what suggestions and advice do you have for others who want to adapt to long-term or permanent singleness?

Sexuality is one the strongest and most devastating aspect of being a human. Sex as God designed it a wonderful and pleasurable thing.

However, when used outside of the confines of a marriage, it’s fornication which angers God. If you want to have sex, find a wife/husband. If you wish to live single life, you must do without. There’s no in between.

Yet his is true most definitely.
However sexual purity is so much more than sexual acts .A person can be single,not even watching porn...but their thought life/imaginations and heart is a river of sexual fantasies and private sexual perversions..which they can be enjoying constantly which for them compensates for actually having a wife/husband to whom they could have a sexual relationship with...weither they are virgin/not a virgin,widowed,divorcee..they could still be like this.