Dear Umzza, Please know that we all love you and God loves you even more to the point of giving His life for you.
Pray. And when you're done praying just close your eyes and know that God is present right there with you. Enjoy His presence. He loves you and cares about what you're going through. He knows your every trouble, your every worry, your every thought and your every tear. He wants you to put your trust in Him.
Umzza, it may seem like darkness all around and all hope is lost, but reality can be stranger than fiction, there really is light and joy for you to have.
Breath deeply and feel that fresh air that God provides. How lovely it is to be able to enjoy the air. Many people in the world are so sick and they do not have this privilege.
Look at the wonderful blue sky, the green trees, the birds that God created. How lovely they look and how gracefully they move. Many people in the world can't walk and do not have this privilege.
Walk, move and jump for joy. God has given you all these abilities. Many people in the world do not have this privilege.
Sing a song and praise His name. The King of kings, the Creator of the universe loves to hear your singing. Many people in this world can't speak and do not have this privilege.
A video I saw. A little girl in China was born with no legs and no arms. She was small, probably about 3 or 4 years old. She saw other children enjoying the slide at the playground. Did she say I'm sad because I have no limbs? Did she give up? Did she walk away? Did she wish to end her life? No my friend. She used her head, her face, her chin and her tiny body to wriggle her way up every stair of the slide. Boy, it looked so hard. But she smiled her way up and let loose an even bigger smile with every stair won. Soon enough she was at the top. Sometimes my friend, it's a matter of perspective.
May I humbly suggest reading the book Psalms. King David described his anguish in many chapters. See how he sang praises to beat his worries. Memorize the entire 23 chapter and understand the meaning of every line in that chapter. When the darkness comes, recite the chapter then sing a song of praise to God for what He has done at the cross for you, then pray. Repeat.
God has a plan for you to tell your story and help others. So, death, is not only against His wishes, it is NOT an option.
Keep fighting the good fight. It is not always easy, but it is always right.
I wish you well my friend...