Divorce?

As far as God is concerned, divorce is never the right thing to do, unless the spouse committed adultery, and this is known for a fact. (And I do not fall into either of those categories you have mentioned at the start).

Obviously no one can assist you in this dilemma over the Internet. However, if you and your husband are Christians and affiliated with a local church, it is high time you both made the effort to seek counsel from the pastors and/or elders. They are supposed to be shepherds watching over the welfare of your souls.

But the matter must be (a) discussed in the strictest confidence and the counselors must verbally commit to this, (b) both spouses must be totally honest and transparent and let out all the *dirty laundry*, and (c) there must be a genuine desire to resolve all conflicts and restore a loving and trusting relationship.

But neither party can assume that the fault is exclusively on one side. And each one should have loved the other at the start to begin with (unless it was an arranged marriage, which can also work out as many do).

As far as God is concerned, divorce is never the right thing to do, unless the spouse committed adultery...

When my first marriage dissolved, the LAST thing I wanted was another relationship.
I ended up being sour over any kind of relationship. Friends, church, etc. Divorce takes a lot out of a person.
Like others have eluded to, it will take a lot of time and healing to get through. IT IS NO FUN!!!
But the release from mental bondage and abuse, over time, will finally kick in, and starting over can begin.
Be watchful, be vigilant, and guard your heart from bitterness and unforgiveness during a divorce.
I'm praying for you too.

You said that I said that she was 100% responsible for the marriage problems, and I did not. I cannot talk about his responsibility because he is not here and I have not heard his side of the story. I can only talk to the person who is here, based on what she has presented in her own posts. I can see from the thread so far that she is not interested in understanding how her own selfishness may be contributing to the problems, she is only interested in having people give her hugs and assure her that she deserves better and shouldn't have to live like this any more.

So--I've given my perspective as a Christian professional in the field of family relationships, and it's not what she wanted to hear, so I'm out...

Happy divorcing.

Just reaching out to anyone who’s recently divorced or considering it. How do you know it’s the right thing to do? My story is long so I won’t bore anyone but I’m very unhappily married. I don’t believe in divorce but I feel I’ve tried everything to make my marriage work. I’ve placed it in God’s hands at this point but I don’t honestly feel it can be saved. I’m just tired of living a lie, pretending to be happy and being more lonely than if I was actually alone. I miss love honestly.

The first answer to her pain...





















I'm really disappointed in the response this woman has gotten in this thread. When you look at her answers and the responses to them. smh How can anyone not see that she is fighting for her marriage and that she is in real pain. How can anyone not see that she is heartbroken? And how can you not see that what the husband is doing is abusive and he is taking no responsibility in the marriage,zero. I see a lot of victim blaming,a lot of comments that are far from Christlike. Brother Hungry I understand you are in a bad marriage but you cannot expect people to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage. God doesn't,neither should you. The OP has said she doesn't believe in divorce,she's gone for help and begged him to do the same. She wants to do what is right. And yet she is being blamed as selfish for wanting to fix a broken marriage. smh I'm ashamed at some of the responses from Christian men here. This kind of attitude has kept my sister in an abusive marriage for 17yrs. Just because he doesn't hit her, she's told to be the Christian wife and service him better. Told this by "Christian counselors" smh And she has two children living in this abusive marriage. To the OP once again you have done all you can do. It's up to your husband to step up and take part in the marriage and fix his issues. If he refuses you have every right to leave. Don't let anyone tell you you have to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage,you don't. You've given him every chance to change. The ball is in his court. I'm sorry for the responses you've been given,they have been unkind and judgmental. You don't deserve that.

I too am a bit disappointed. But we all go through divorces differently, and view marriages differently.
To MissingLove, I am sorry for your spot. No fun, fellow believer, no fun. I relate...I do. Know you have prayer support from Homeward bound.

This kind of emotional neglect by the OPs husband is a terrible form of abuse. She should have walked away in the first year, but instead, she tried to help her husband, honour and respect him for 10 long years.

The personality change alone, says a great deal about how mentally ill her husband is. He either has a personality disorder, Dissociative Identity Disirder (maybe not enough alters?) or a mild form of psychopathology. They don't care a bit about others people's feelings, and one doesnt have to be serial killer to be a psychopath.

Someone else suggested depression. But, he won't see a doctor, get a diagnosis and treatment, yet some of you vote for her to live with this emotional abuser another 40 or 50 years? I'd like to see some of you self-righteous people live a month with a person like this, especially when they pretended to be something else before he married her.
I think you have done your best. God does not expect anyone to live with a cold, selfish, emotionally unavailable person. I know "abuse" is not grounds for divorce in the Bible. Perhaps abuse wasn't an issue in the Old or New Testament times? People lived short life spans, especially women who died often in childbirth. They lived close together, and the women talked, they knew about all the issues in their community. The older women may have had some ideas how to change things. Certainly, most men don't want their neighbours to hear them beating up their wife. So, abuse is not mentioned. Or, perhaps Jesus had to fulfill the law, before he could change it.

In turn, find me one place in the Bible it says an abused woman must stay with her husband. Because the husband of the OP is not a Christian, she is free to leave. Although she has not really answered whether she is a Christian. And, if what she says about the husband is true, he gives no evidence or fruits he has been saved by God.

I would urge you to leave this man. You are a mess, and you need to spend a couple of years recovering from this loveless marriage, and rebuilding who you are, with the help of God.

It really not that so much as people are being very judgmental in their responses and it's unfair. As I said, my sister has gone through this for years. And I know there are men that have also suffered abuse and it's wrong in their cases too. But the Op has gone out of her way to say she doesn't want divorce and she wants to do what is right. Many of the responses here have been appalling. If she was selfish she wouldn't have stayed in the fight this long. I feel for her and I believe she's done all she can in her power to save the marriage.

And in cases of physical or emotional abuse...

Hey, I agree with you, I do sympathize with MissingLove. When we put all we have into a marriage and it doesn't improve, that is hurtful, confusing, and frustrating to say the least. MissingLove should let go of the dude. Is it hard? Yes, for sure, but for M.L.'s sake it seems the only recourse.
I DO sympathize, and pray!

It should be obvious that the perpetrator is either not saved, or does not understand his or her role under Christ (if saved). Which means repentance and/or conversion of the offending party, not divorce. Once again spiritual counsel is necessary, not secular counseling which ignores the spiritual dimension.

The first answer to her pain...





















I'm really disappointed in the response this woman has gotten in this thread. When you look at her answers and the responses to them. smh How can anyone not see that she is fighting for her marriage and that she is in real pain. How can anyone not see that she is heartbroken? And how can you not see that what the husband is doing is abusive and he is taking no responsibility in the marriage,zero. I see a lot of victim blaming,a lot of comments that are far from Christlike. Brother Hungry I understand you are in a bad marriage but you cannot expect people to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage. God doesn't,neither should you. The OP has said she doesn't believe in divorce,she's gone for help and begged him to do the same. She wants to do what is right. And yet she is being blamed as selfish for wanting to fix a broken marriage. smh I'm ashamed at some of the responses from Christian men here. This kind of attitude has kept my sister in an abusive marriage for 17yrs. Just because he doesn't hit her, she's told to be the Christian wife and service him better. Told this by "Christian counselors" smh And she has two children living in this abusive marriage. To the OP once again you have done all you can do. It's up to your husband to step up and take part in the marriage and fix his issues. If he refuses you have every right to leave. Don't let anyone tell you you have to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage,you don't. You've given him every chance to change. The ball is in his court. I'm sorry for the responses you've been given,they have been unkind and judgmental. You don't deserve that.

I agree, you can’t help him. My question to you is how does he have so much power over your self worth? How does he spend his time? Do you have any other interests? Friends? Family? Work? Is your whole identity invested in being a wife? When I got married my wife was so vibrant and enjoyed going for walks and visiting friends and family. She loved keeping the house clean and doing things that made her feel energized. She loved going to church and Bible studies. She enjoyed cooking and laughed a lot. Now she doesn’t do any of that stuff. Everything is a chore. Before she was automatically happy unless something severe caused her mood to shift. Now she starts the day moody and waits for something to make her happy. She would like to blame me and say it’s because I don’t love her enough but something robbed her joy and it wasn’t me. It’s just hard to be around someone who constantly needs reassurance just to feel any self worth. It’s literally exhausting having to be a cheerleader just to avoid her moodiness. We had our twentieth year anniversary this year. Many, many times she made comments like yourself. She thinks she is an ideal wife and mother. If you try to make one comment that may be contrary to this and it’s a disaster. The last thing she needs is for this image to be questioned in counseling. I seriously believe it would trigger a psychotic break. Are you open to the possibility that maybe you need to make some changes? I’m not accusing, just asking.

As I said before I went to counseling ALONE. I was and am willing to change if anything I’ve done caused any of this but I know it hasn’t. I want the one who changed he did. The counselor basically told me she couldn’t help if my husband wasn’t willing to come and he isn’t. I can’t make him..I do all the things I’ve always done. I always uplift him to people never talk bad about him. I clean, cook, do things with friends, work out, I am a happy person in general. U ask how does he control my self worth...well would you like to live with a person who made vowels to you and doesn’t keep any of them? There is zero affection in our marriage. I’m tired...a person can only take so much. I love how I’m blamed for his actions. It’s my fault he is emotionless, not affectionate, won’t go to to counseling, won’t see a Dr. I guess it’s my fault we didn’t have children either because I should have made him be intimate with me.

As I said before I went to counseling ALONE. I was and am willing to change if anything I’ve done caused any of this but I know it hasn’t. I want the one who changed he did. The counselor basically told me she couldn’t help if my husband wasn’t willing to come and he isn’t. I can’t make him..I do all the things I’ve always done. I always uplift him to people never talk bad about him. I clean, cook, do things with friends, work out, I am a happy person in general. U ask how does he control my self worth...well would you like to live with a person who made vowels to you and doesn’t keep any of them? There is zero affection in our marriage. I’m tired...a person can only take so much. I love how I’m blamed for his actions. It’s my fault he is emotionless, not affectionate, won’t go to to counseling, won’t see a Dr. I guess it’s my fault we didn’t have children either because I should have made him be intimate with me.

As I said before I went to counseling ALONE. I was and am willing to change if anything I’ve done caused any of this but I know it hasn’t. I want the one who changed he did. The counselor basically told me she couldn’t help if my husband wasn’t willing to come and he isn’t. I can’t make him..I do all the things I’ve always done. I always uplift him to people never talk bad about him. I clean, cook, do things with friends, work out, I am a happy person in general. U ask how does he control my self worth...well would you like to live with a person who made vowels to you and doesn’t keep any of them? There is zero affection in our marriage. I’m tired...a person can only take so much. I love how I’m blamed for his actions. It’s my fault he is emotionless, not affectionate, won’t go to to counseling, won’t see a Dr. I guess it’s my fault we didn’t have children either because I should have made him be intimate with me.

I get what you are saying, however my point is that if my wife joined tomorrow and gave the same complaints, many on here would tell her to divorce me on grounds of abuse. If you don’t know the whole story, you really shouldn’t sway anyone to get a divorce.

As I said before I went to counseling ALONE. I was and am willing to change if anything I’ve done caused any of this but I know it hasn’t. I want the one who changed he did. The counselor basically told me she couldn’t help if my husband wasn’t willing to come and he isn’t. I can’t make him..I do all the things I’ve always done. I always uplift him to people never talk bad about him. I clean, cook, do things with friends, work out, I am a happy person in general. U ask how does he control my self worth...well would you like to live with a person who made vowels to you and doesn’t keep any of them? There is zero affection in our marriage. I’m tired...a person can only take so much. I love how I’m blamed for his actions. It’s my fault he is emotionless, not affectionate, won’t go to to counseling, won’t see a Dr. I guess it’s my fault we didn’t have children either because I should have made him be intimate with me.