Husband would rather masturbate than have sex with me

I will keep praying for you. One final thought. Maybe if he read this thread, saw your feelings WRITTEN, and the suggestions made here, it would have a different, productive effect on him. God Bless.

Are you both active Christians that go to church regularly? How spiritual/religious are both of you? Has your husband ever been molested, physically or mentally abused as a child? Do you use birth control? If you don't, could your husband be fearful of getting you pregnant again? Do you both work or does he only work? The reason why I ask these questions is this type of activity has a number of underlying issues so by answering these questions to yourself, you may be able to get to the root of the problem. I would suggest you seek out the advice of members on this site and possibly seek marriage counseling. I would also research porn addiction and consider seeking the advice from the pastor's wife. However and from experience, seeking the advice from the pastor's wife may not be the best option. It would be based on your rapport with her and her knowledge of the issue. If you get discouraging feedback from anyone, consider the source and pray to God for the ability to make sense of everything. We all come from different walks so even though people may give you great advice, you may not be able to address it at the time. Others may give you terrible advice because they simply don't know any better. Bottom line, consider all of the information and ask God to help you understand all of the information.

Victoria, just to answer a couple of your questions. I stay home with our 4 month old and 2 year old and he works full time. He works about 11 hours a day and is usually physically and emotionally spent when he gets home. I grew up in a very conservative Christian home and have been a Christian most of my life. His family is catholic and he occasionally went to church when growing up but he didn't become a Christian until a few years after he met me. He use to have a problem with alcohol, but after we got married we moved away from his friends and where he grew up and now live near my family who doesn't drink and he has that issue pretty well under control. I've thought maybe he's traded one addiction for another? We live in a small town and had been very involved in the church that I grew up in since we got married 6 years ago. About 4 months ago it came out that our pastor who is also related to us was having an affair. With a man. Needless to say the church is having a difficult time. It was the first pastor that my husband had ever really had. He was close to him and he really looked up to him and respected him so I'm sure that whole situation hasn't helped. Because of that and the recent birth of our daughter we aren't attending church at the moment but are planning to try and find a church soon. So right now I don't have a pastor's wife I can even go to. And we live in a small town, I don't even think there is an Christian counselors. There is one other thing I can think of that maybe be part of the issue, he actually says it is but I thought maybe it was just an excuse and he wants to put the blame on me, I don't want to go into detail on this thread. It mainly has to do with me not being able to be pleased by him but regretfully I've had other partners in my past and wasn't able to with them either so it's not his fault. He says that that's really hard on him and so that's part of why he started doing it. He use to really try to please me but gave up and hasn't tried in years. I hope that's not tmi but I feel like that may be part of the issue although it's nothing I can change so it puts guilt on me also. We just started reading the 5 love languages and I'm hoping that will help our relationship. Anyways that's just a little more detail, hopefully not too much but maybe you can understand him and our situation better now.

Please, please, PLEASE... do NOT hate me for what I am about to say.

When a husband has a wife and he gets hooked into porn, there are things that caused him to go there in the first place. Everyone has "needs", and in the porn-world, those "needs" can at times be much more wide range than you may wish to know. There is an acceptance that we ALL crave, having someone who connects with us or understands us, and a marriage is a truly beautiful thing to grow that kind of relationship. But there are times when our needs are not being met, or we have tried to push our needs aside, in favor of trying to fit the mold of "normal" society.

Again, please forgive me... but he may have needs that aren't what he wants to share. It is possible that he is not viewing other women, but other things instead. You did mention that the pastor had an affair with another man, which I am NOT suggesting is happening with him, but there may be other needs he has that he feels lead to seek in porn.

I am truly sorry for the tactless way I have phrased this, I really am. The thing is that men are visual creatures, we enjoy the things we see. I can't speak for women, because I am not one, but as for guys... by and large... it's visual. If, and I stress IF he has other tastes, no matter what they may be, he may be embarrassed to let you in on it, which would explain his constant need to take care of things on his own.

Let me put it this way... again forgive my lack of tact. If my wife did something that got my attention and said, let's steal a moment while the children are asleep... I would break down the wall to get to the stairs on my way to the bedroom. Then again, I think she's the hottest thing on the planet... because she is!

As I said, I really hope you can ignore my lack of being delicate. It screams of Christian Counselor needing to be involved. Men in general have a higher drive than women, but taking care of yourself instead of being with your spouse, something else is going on. I truly hope I am wrong, and there is NO delicate way of asking him. Let me repeat that... there is NO delicate way of asking him. Just please understand, this is an addiction like any other addiction. The one who is addicted WILL NOT see it as a problem, UNTIL they recognize it as a problem.

Have a blessed day,
-emptymailbag

I don't want to cross boundaries or disrespect you in any way. It took a huge amount of courage for you to trust a group of complete strangers with your problem and I commend you for that but if I am to adequately address what you wrote, I may have to delve into topics that you may not feel comfortable discussing on an open forum. If you think it will be ok to continue the discussion on this forum, please let me know. If not, please send me a private email and I will give you my feedback.

I was about to echo EmptyMailBag...It might not being anything you are doing but maybe something you aren't doing. Perhaps he has sexual proclivities either you won't engage in or he feels like he is unable to put them on the table for fear of you rejecting them, so he turns inward and satisfies those urges as best he can himself.

This is ridiculous - men masturbate because they are selfish. Come on, the woman is pouring her heart out and you ask what has she done for him lately? Look, her husband needs to fulfil his obligations to her, she should feel like to not only the most important woman in the world to her, but the only woman in the world. He needs to learn to love his wife. He is denying her the intamcy she deserves and he has traded the truth for a lie.

No Kbella you are not being riduculous at all. I have been through a situation like this with my husband. I know how painful it is to have your husband not want sex from you because he is getting his fulfillment from porn and self gratification. My situation was, I worked late evenings until 9:00pm. I got off work early one night and came home to find our bedroom door locked. I knocked on the door and my husband wouldn't open it. He was talking and stalling. I asked him what was he doing and he lied of course. My kids told me "He does that every night. He comes home from work, goes straight to the bedroom and locks the door." I later discovered he was looking at porn. It broke my heart as if he had actually went out and slept with another woman. After I was able to compose myself from the hurt, scriptures began to come to my mind. I began to tell my husband that what he was doing is considered adultery according to God's word. I opened the bible and made him read what Jesus said about when a man even looks upon a woman to lust after her, he is committing adultery with her in his heart. I told my husband how much it hurts and that it is insulting and highly disrespectful to me for him to look upon any woman's naked body but mine. I told him that if he continued to do it or if he ever does it again that I would divorce him because I would not continue to live with that degree of disrespect from him. We have had many more ridiculous issues in our marriage but that hasn't been one of them again.

Xgbnow......I completely agree with you. It is amazing to me how many "christian" people excuse sin or water it down as not being that bad or saying "it's just something men do." We excuse and tolerate and even support sin at times and wonder why the church looks just as bad as the world.

You may not even see this message, but I wanted to let you know that I read your post and it was like reading my life story. Everything except the small kids.. Married for just over five years. Our sex life diminished after marriage and I found myself wondering why he wasn't sleeping with me as much. Come to find out that porn was the reason. I am a willing partner and it is rare that I would say no. I have friends who complain about their husbands always wanting sex but I am not with that kind of person. I will complain about it or initiate more to make things better for a short period of time, but slowly things always go back to the way they were. He too would take his phone or the iPad into the bathroom with him every time. I have told him not to take technology into the bathroom anymore, but he swears he's just playing his "golf game". It is a horrible feeling when you feel like an actress on the screen is more appealing than you, right in front of him. Many times I think I will just waste my life with him until my son is 18. I have 6 more years to go...because other than this issue, everything is fine.. I hope everything worked out for you. Prayers.

I am also having the same problems with my husband, and to add to it he's in the military and I am starting to feel like I am just here to cook and clean I mean he does take to me places but I feel like he only does to make up for the fact that we are not as inmate as we use to be and I dont know what to do , he even told me he masturbates because he felt like it and I ask him why not have sex with me and he just kinds of brushes it off, but then he fools around with me as if something is going to happen and just goes to sleep its very frustrating.

This entire thread makes me sad. What a sad, sad mixed up world we live in. Praying for peace for everyone. The only advice I can offer is to be yourself --- wait, I don't have advice. I'm just numb. God gives us trials, and surely this is just another.

I would say do not talk about this subject with a man.

If you want anything done right you've got to do it yourself! Just kidding. Trying to share a smile for what is definitely a very difficult situation. Prayers lifted for anyone enduring such complications.

*** (praying)---- keep praying for him----tell him you disapprove---- but don't nag him--- God will deal with him---- be your beautiful self ---- he'll come around...

Everybody is treating this porn and masterbation issue as an alternative to sex. It's not! It's an addiction and you have to treat it like one. The same chemicals get released into the brain as when you are taking cocaine. I don't need to give you the science on it. It does however effect your appetite for conventional marital sex. It's like working in a buffet where you can eat whatever all day, then when you get home you aren't as hungry for the shepherds pie prepared for you. Even if this is the best shepherds pie (I love shepherds pie) because you've already spoiled your appetite. After awhile even the buffet gets boring, this has to do with brain chemicals. In pursuit of that "enjoyment" you have to escalate variety and frequency, just like other drugs. It ends up eventually causing such chemical imbalance that it becomes the only thing that brings you pleasure. With things like heroine, this is the stage that people sell all their stuff, steal, and perform acts they never thought possible. With porn if it escalates which it probably won't, may lead to affairs and prostitutes.

Like any addiction, it has to be stopped cold turkey and never do it again and the temptations will subside. They will never disappear completely. Once an addict always an addict. Because it's such an offence to the wife, she will most likely not be understanding enough to help him through this unjudging like if it was an addiction to alcohol. As well it is way more acceptable in society to be watching porn than other vices, cheaper and more available too. The shame and ultimatums that usually accompany a wife's discovery will more likely cause him to just get better at hiding it. The secrecy actually increases the chemical release making it more addictive.

The Holy Spirit convicted me and put it on my heart to stop. No nagging from my wife would have done it. All her bitterness did was drive a wedge between us. When people are trying to get over any addiction they need to be edified and strengthened not belittled and shamed. Education helped me tremendously, realizing that it was brain chemicals gave me a sense that it was in my power and that it would pass. Thinking that it's some sort of spiritual warfare takes it out of your hands, leaving you powerless. I know there is power in prayer but when it's not spiritual sometimes you have to realize that you are holding the wheel. Free will means you are in the driver seat, the Holy Spirit is the gps.

I just want to say, you are entitled to your opinion. There is one fact that needs to be made, besides the 10 commandments, we are no longer bound by Old Testament law. That was the whole point of Jesus coming and Being crucified. So you can not pick and choose which parts of mosaic or Levitical law you want to follow and not follow. Looking at porn is the same as lusting after a woman or man. You are physically looking at someone other than your spouse and acting upon it. It is a sin, whether you and your wife agree to do it or not. I’m not judging, just clarifying. That’s between you and God. But it is a sin plain and simple. We all have sin and therefore should spur each other on to seek truth and not judge. Sometimes the Bible is literal and sometimes it is not. You learn which is which by reading it all (context plus content equals meaning) not just a single verse taken out of context. However, that verse is spot on. I looked up this topic because I am having a similar issue, but my husband doesn’t look at porn. We are talking about it and slowly working it out. I wasn’t planning on commenting but I saw your posts and felt the Holy Spirit encouraging me to clarify those two things. So please, talk to your pastor about the difference between Old Testament law and New Testament law and which one we are truly bound to. Oh and just because the secular law says porn is ok doesn’t mean it’s ok for Christians! Just like secular law says abortion is ok but the Bible says it’s murder. If the secular law is opposite to what the Bible says, we are first and foremost bound to the biblical law.

@LivingWater808
This is a 4 year old thread. Nimbus hasn't been an active member since 2014

Using porn is committing adultery. It has no place inside a marriage. I consider it the equivalent of methamphetamines to the brain. It corrodes the brain, the heart, and the soul.

Nimbus, it is not a recreational toy. It is a tool of satan that changes a person at the deepest level. Belittling its purpose does not change the devastating effect that it has on people who use it, and the relationships that are destroyed because of it.

Even after someone stops using it, it takes a very long time for the programming to be undone. It's a very serious problem.