In January, 1980, the man who had led me to Christ 2 years before sat down with me and wrote out the fruit of the Spirit, as outlined in the NIV version of Galations 5:22-23. "22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." He then asked me how I thought that I had progressed in the fruit of the Spirit over the last 2 years. My responses might be familiar to some: "Definitely more love, forbearance, kindness, and gentleness.", "Joy, peace, goodness, and faithfulness, hmm...hard to tell.", and "Self control, ouch!" He then told me that he had seen "no improvement in love, no improvement in joy, no improvement in peace..." and so on, through every one of the fruits. I was devastated. He then said that he didn't believe that the Holy Spirit was at work in me.
Our "Discipling meeting" (in the Navigators' style) ended then, and I went on down the street, practically staggering in shell shock, praying "Oh God, how have I managed to fail at something that noone is supposed to be able to fail at?!" Ever since then, I have been in severe doubt of my own salvation, and even humanity. I have tried to kill myself 4 times--it probably says something about my competence that I am still alive and kicking. I have learned to endure, and am not presently suicidal, but I still want to discuss this with someone who will actually listen to me, rather than transmute what I say out of all recognition through their own prejudices. No offense intended, but that has been a common experience of mine, even with supposedly trained counselors, psychologists, and psychologists.
