CRA Christians in Recovery (anonymous)

These posts are pretty old. I'm not sure if I belong here but I wanted to talk about my issues. I have been very depressed lately and for about the last 3 months I drink every night. Sometimes all day. It depends what's going on. So for those of you who have struggled do you think I have a problem?

These posts are pretty old. I'm not sure if I belong here but I wanted to talk about my issues. I have been very depressed lately and for about the last 3 months I drink every night. Sometimes all day. It depends what's going on. So for those of you who have struggled do you think I have a problem?

These posts are pretty old. I'm not sure if I belong here but I wanted to talk about my issues. I have been very depressed lately and for about the last 3 months I drink every night. Sometimes all day. It depends what's going on. So for those of you who have struggled do you think I have a problem?

Thanks. I was taking a weekend off the internet for the most part. I find it helps to unplug a bit now and then.

I guess I'll just say I'm Hamarr. It's a bit odd in Al Anon and ACA, we don't identify ourselves, though you do hear about the occasional "double winner" in Al Anon, or someone will say "I'm an adult child" in ACA.

The Problem - From Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families:
Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional household. We had come to feel isolated and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people-pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat. We either became alcoholics (or practiced other addictive behavior) ourselves, or married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.

We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.

These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us “co-victims”, those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships.

This is a description, not an indictment.

Adapted from The Laundry List

"Thanks for sharing. This is as good as it gets within CC to share ones personal life concerns.
First, any 'thinking' that alcohol and or/drugs are the solution to cope with life difficulties, you
are only fooling ones own self...it will usually double your perceived problem issue. Only you
know of the cause of your feelings and emotions. Whatever it may be, with all honesty, one
should earnestly strive to confront and work at eliminating or accepting things that you feel
are causing the mental anguish. This should be of utmost concern, obviously you have a problem,
please don't expect alcohol to be your answer...you are your own answer, and hopefully a renewed
look at your spiritual relation with God...His 'presence' can and will give you new hope, strength
and peace and well being...try it...you might like it! "........
View attachment 198055

Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.

The following is a list of symptoms of codependency and being in a codependent relationship.

You don’t need to have them all to qualify as codependent.

Low self-esteem.
Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem.

The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame. Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.

People-pleasing.
It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

Poor boundaries.
Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs.

That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.

Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.

Reactivity.
A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.

Caretaking.
Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.

Control.
Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.

Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.

Dysfunctional communication.
Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

Obsessions.
Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.” Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.

Dependency.
Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.

Denial.
One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem. Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.

Problems with intimacy.
By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.

Painful emotions.
Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

Source

I could not talk about my brother's death until I got older. Even being born with a chemical imbalance, I was a bright kid. Reading and school was easy for me. During those first 11 years I was an annoying brat. I cared not whose feelings I stepped on. I would steal and cheat whenever I could gain something. I start stealing and smoking cigarettes at 10.

At 12, I was just coming out of my PTSD from watching my closest friend and brother burn to death at 5 years old, I was 3. Once I starting to talk about the incident, which was very hard at first, I healed little by little. I earnestly sought God from 12 to 14 years old. I was really looking for a man to follow while he sought Jesus. I looked around and found none that applied the word perfectly to his life. I became disillusioned and gave up. God's word has an anointing on it. Even though I became agnostic, the word did change me.

I was just a social drinker until I had a spinal fusion back surgery. I had a pinched nerve in my back and my legs kept buckling under me. When they winged me off the opiates I turned to alcohol to relieve the pain, I was 33. Once you need a drink instead of wanting one, you set yourself up for alcoholism. From 33 to 38 it was a roller coaster ride that led me to divorce and remarriage. I realized my problem was spiritual and I still somewhat believed in God. Needing off that alcohol dependence I finally replaced it with the Lord. You can follow that story in my "Coming to Jesus" blog.

I could not talk about my brother's death until I got older. Even being born with a chemical imbalance, I was a bright kid. Reading and school was easy for me. During those first 11 years I was an annoying brat. I cared not whose feelings I stepped on. I would steal and cheat whenever I could gain something. I start stealing and smoking cigarettes at 10.

At 12, I was just coming out of my PTSD from watching my closest friend and brother burn to death at 5 years old, I was 3. Once I starting to talk about the incident, which was very hard at first, I healed little by little. I earnestly sought God from 12 to 14 years old. I was really looking for a man to follow while he sought Jesus. I looked around and found none that applied the word perfectly to his life. I became disillusioned and gave up. God's word has an anointing on it. Even though I became agnostic, the word did change me.

I was just a social drinker until I had a spinal fusion back surgery. I had a pinched nerve in my back and my legs kept buckling under me. When they winged me off the opiates I turned to alcohol to relieve the pain, I was 33. Once you need a drink instead of wanting one, you set yourself up for alcoholism. From 33 to 38 it was a roller coaster ride that led me to divorce and remarriage. I realized my problem was spiritual and I still somewhat believed in God. Needing off that alcohol dependence I finally replaced it with the Lord. You can follow that story in my "Coming to Jesus" blog.

Hello gang,my name is Dennis and I am an alcoholic. My start in life was rocky, as best. Here is my story of my early years.

I was born in Los Angeles, CA, USA in 1946. They tore down the hospital, I was born in, within a year; to put in the first freeway: the Harbor Freeway. My father died 6 months before I was born in Nov. ’45, from kidney failure. My older sister died 1 month before I was born, from being hit by a car. That left 2 brothers and my mother. She bought an unfinished home in the Watts district of L.A. (South Central).

While carrying me, she was in 3 car wrecks and was shot full of morphine each time. I was born asthmatic and anemic. Every time I got around lint or dust my breathing would lock up. My mother thought she would go crazy and became convinced she was going to die. She took us three boys down to a Catholic church and had us baptized to gain some god-parents. My mother said she never bonded with me as she couldn’t take it if she did and I died.

Meanwhile, my maternal grandmother bought the house next door to ours. She had 11 kids she raised and 8 were still living at home. Luckily, there were 2 teenage aunts living there that kind of took over mothering me.

14 people living in 2 2-bedroom homes, talk about fun. It gets worse: in 1948 my oldest aunt in Indiana died and her 5 kids moved in with us. These were big kids, two of the oldest were older than two of the youngest uncles next door. The two oldest cousins living with us were female, so they took over mothering me. The two aunts that had the job were dating and getting ready for marriage. As some of the aunts and uncles were moving out on their own, the two youngest cousins move in with Grandma.

By my third year, I was doing well and getting over my asthma. Things were starting to get more normal with me. My next oldest brother, David, was 2 years older than me and the closest human being relationship I had. I followed him everywhere. One day we were playing in the backyard. I was sitting on some bed springs right behind the house and David was about 20 feet away playing with some matches. He walked up to an abandoned old Model T pickup without a gas cap. He held up a lit match toward the open gas spout and asked: “should I?” Dumb me, I just shrugged my shoulders. He dropped the match and when the fumes caught the flame it was like a blow torch. His shirt and hair caught afire and he ran out of the backyard. My male cousin was with a couple of uncles, they were building a tandem bicycle beside the house. The cousin ran after David and rolled him to put out the fire. The last time I saw him, he was all black and whimpering on my mother’s lap waiting on the ambulance. Needless to say, I started suffering from PTSD from that day forward. I don’t even think that was classified as yet, but that is what it was. [Continued]

I could not talk about my brother's death until I got older. Even being born with a chemical imbalance, I was a bright kid. Reading and school was easy for me. During those first 11 years I was an annoying brat. I cared not whose feelings I stepped on. I would steal and cheat whenever I could gain something. I start stealing and smoking cigarettes at 10.

At 12, I was just coming out of my PTSD from watching my closest friend and brother burn to death at 5 years old, I was 3. Once I starting to talk about the incident, which was very hard at first, I healed little by little. I earnestly sought God from 12 to 14 years old. I was really looking for a man to follow while he sought Jesus. I looked around and found none that applied the word perfectly to his life. I became disillusioned and gave up. God's word has an anointing on it. Even though I became agnostic, the word did change me.

I was just a social drinker until I had a spinal fusion back surgery. I had a pinched nerve in my back and my legs kept buckling under me. When they winged me off the opiates I turned to alcohol to relieve the pain, I was 33. Once you need a drink instead of wanting one, you set yourself up for alcoholism. From 33 to 38 it was a roller coaster ride that led me to divorce and remarriage. I realized my problem was spiritual and I still somewhat believed in God. Needing off that alcohol dependence I finally replaced it with the Lord. You can follow that story in my "Coming to Jesus" blog.

"On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able . . . , the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules." - William D. Silkworth, MD (1873-1951) - Page xxvii, BigBook