Phone rings. Bob Newhart picks it up at his desk in the State Department
BOB: Hello, this is Secretary Newhart... Yes, Mr. President... Uh-huh... Yes, I have a few minutes... What's this about?
long pause, Bob's eyes widen slightly
BOB: Greenland. You want to... buy Greenland. Again... No, no, I remember 2019, sir, I just thought we'd... moved past that...
pause
Yes, sir, I'm listening...
longer pause, Bob starts taking notes
BOB: So it's not about the minerals... Not about strategic military position... Not about Arctic shipping routes... It's about...
pause
Canada.
pause, Bob blinks
BOB: The threat from... Canada. Our NATO ally, Canada... Yes, sir, I understand they're to the North...
pause
BOB: Universal healthcare is... psychological warfare. I'm writing this down, sir...
scribbles on notepad
BOB: Uh-huh... They say "sorry" when WE bump into THEM and that's... I see... Undermining American confidence... Right...
pause
BOB: Oil reserves. Okay, now we're getting to... 500 billion barrels if we combine the US, Canada, and Venezuela... That's twice Saudi Arabia... Twenty times China...
adjusts glasses
BOB: Yes, sir, that is a lot of oil... No, I agree, that would be quite an advantage...
pause, Bob's expression becomes more confused
BOB: The hockey thing. You want me to write down... the hockey thing...
pause
BOB: Lake Placid, 1980, Miracle on Ice... Yes, I remember, sir, I watched it... And the Canadians were... seething... Because that should have been them beating the Russians...
pause
BOB: Then we took Wayne Gretzky... To Los Angeles... And that was the final indignity... We treated them like a farm league...
pause, Bob removes his glasses and rubs his eyes
BOB: Sir, are you saying our foreign policy toward Canada should factor in... hockey resentment from 1980?
pause
BOB: You are. Okay. I'm just... clarifying...
pause
BOB: Trudeau. Right. And there are people who say he's... Castro's illegitimate son...
pause
BOB: No, sir, I'm not saying it's true either, I'm just... writing it down because you asked me to...
pause
BOB: And Canada is still part of the British Empire... The Commonwealth, yes... They have the King on their money...
pause
BOB: And nobody can nurse a grudge like the British...
long pause
BOB: So your theory is that Canada - still bitter about hockey, still mad about Gretzky, led by Castro's possible son, backed by the British Empire - is sitting on 170 billion barrels of oil just WAITING for their moment...
pause
BOB: And Greenland is the buffer zone AND the staging area... Like in the board game Risk... Yes, sir, I've played Risk...
pause
BOB: So we buy Greenland, we have strategic positioning against Canada, and then we...
trails off
BOB: I'm sorry, what was that last part, sir?
pause, Bob's eyes widen
BOB: Maple syrup... You want to classify maple syrup as...
pause
BOB: Domestic terrorism.
long pause
BOB: Because of obesity and heart attacks... Major health issue in the US...
pause
BOB: And if maple syrup coming into the US is classified as domestic terrorism, that could justify the entire operation...
pause, Bob looks at his notepad in disbelief
BOB: The entire... operation to take Canada's oil reserves through Greenland... would be justified by... calling maple syrup... terrorism.
pause
BOB: Uh-huh... Because it's contributing to American deaths... Yes, I understand heart disease is the leading cause of death in America, sir, but...
pause
BOB: No, no, I hear you... Canadians KNOW maple syrup causes health problems... and they keep sending it anyway...
pause
BOB: That could be considered... biological warfare... With pancakes...
Bob sets down his pen
BOB: Mr. President, I'm going to ask you something, and I want you to really think about it... Have you discussed this plan with anyone else?
pause
BOB: Just me. Okay. Okay, that's... that's probably good...
pause
BOB: No, sir, I'm not saying it's crazy, I'm just saying that declaring war on Canada over syrup and Wayne Gretzky might be... difficult to sell to Congress...
pause
BOB: The oil reserves, yes, I understand that part makes strategic sense, but the maple syrup terrorism angle might...
pause
BOB: You've already talked to the FDA about reclassifying it... Of course you have...
pause
BOB: And they said what? They'd... consider it?
Bob puts his head in his hand
BOB: No, sir, I'm still here... Just processing...
pause
BOB: So let me make sure I understand the plan: We buy Greenland from Denmark...
pause
BOB: They don't want to sell it, yes, but we make them an offer they can't refuse...
pause
BOB: Not like The Godfather, sir, no, I understand... A legitimate business offer...
pause
BOB: Then from Greenland, we have strategic positioning against Canada... We declare maple syrup a controlled substance due to its contribution to American obesity...
pause
BOB: That gives us justification to... secure Canadian oil reserves for national security purposes... Because if we have their oil, we have 500 billion barrels total, which is twenty times what China has...
pause
BOB: And we solve the Canadian grudge problem dating back to 1980...
pause
BOB: And we eliminate the threat of British-backed, Castro-adjacent, healthcare-having, polite Canadians...
long pause
BOB: Mr. President, I'm going to be honest with you... I've been Secretary of State for...
looks at watch
...three months now... And this is by far the most creative use of Greenland I've ever heard...
pause
BOB: No, sir, creative is not the same as good...
pause
BOB: What do I think you should do?
long pause, Bob considers carefully
BOB: Well, sir... I think maybe we should start smaller... Perhaps we just... buy the maple syrup from Canada? You know, regular trade? They sell it to us, we give them money, nobody has to invade anybody...
pause
BOB: That's not strategic enough... Right...
pause
BOB: Sir, can I ask... does Melania know about this plan?
pause
BOB: She doesn't... And you'd like to keep it that way... Understood...
pause
BOB: No, sir, I will not be mentioning this in my memoirs...
pause
BOB: Yes, I'll prepare a briefing document... With all the points about hockey, Gretzky, Castro, maple syrup terrorism, and the 500 billion barrels...
pause
BOB: For the Joint Chiefs... You want to present this to the Joint Chiefs of Staff...
Bob closes his eyes
BOB: Sir, is there any chance... any chance at all... that we could just focus on something simple this week? Like... I don't know... a trade dispute with Luxembourg? Those are easy...
pause
BOB: Greenland is not Luxembourg... You're right about that, sir...
pause
BOB: Okay... Okay, I'll set up the meeting... Thursday at 2... Situation Room... "Operation Canadian Syrup"...
pause
BOB: You want to call it "Operation Gretzky"... Even better...
pause
BOB: Yes, sir... I'll have everything ready... No, I won't tell anyone...
pause
BOB: Have a good evening, sir...
Bob hangs up, stares at his notepad, picks up phone again
BOB: Hi, honey? Yeah, it's me... Remember when I took this job and you asked if I was sure? ... Yeah... I'm calling to say you were right...