Hey Everyone,
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I know a ton of people married into/involved in blended family situations and are facing a whole host of challenges, but I NEVER hear this talked about in the church (at least, not in the circles I'm in.)
I'm at an age where, if I married, it would most likely be into a blended family situation (which I define as meaning that one or both people involved have kids and/or grandkids they are raising/supporting in some way from previous relationships.) Most people in my age category also have aging parents/step-parents and family members on top of that who need regular help with transportation, medication, and financial support.
And of course, if you get married, this usually means you will have at least two families who will all have members needing support. My married friends regularly talk about the challenges of taking care of two sets of parents, along with any kids, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandkids, etc. It gets even more complicated because so many people these days also have step-family members they also look after.
I grew up in a relatively small nuclear family, so the very thought of having to juggle so many people makes my brain spin, though I've gotten a taste of this in past relationships.
I also realize that many people, especially those who married young, didn't go into their marriage thinking, "Ok, I can take on 10 other family members, max" -- because they obviously didn't know how many children they would have or what the future would be. But most people in this situation had time to adjust -- if they had 4 kids, they generally didn't all come at once, and the family had at least a little time to accommodate each new change. If the family grew and took on more members, such as their kids marrying and having their own kids, it was generally one or a few at a time, not all at once.
I had a time my life when I was starkly faced with becoming an instant caretaker of a grown adult who couldn't care for himself, and a near-single parent to two toddlers all at once. It resulted in me literally physically crying out to God every day, because I didn't know how to handle it.
And so one of the things I ask myself is, if I were to marry at this stage in the game, how many people can I realistically serve at one time? Because marriage itself is about serving, and at this point in life, it's probably going to mean serving multiple people all at once. (For instance, two sets of aging parents, at the very least.)
One of the things I've learned about myself is that I do much better serving fewer people hopefully well rather than trying to serve many people and failing, or at best, doing just a so-so, mediocre job at serving any of them. I grew up in a small family, in small towns, and went to small schools until my later academic years, and so smaller numbers is just what I'm more comfortable with.
I prefer this in work and ministry as well. I don't like mega ministries, and if I can choose where I serve, I'll always choose leaders who are serving smaller groups rather than those who want to reach the masses. I admire anyone who wants to reach as many people as they can, of course, but when it comes to hands-on serving, the smaller, more personal groups is where you're going to find me.
And while of course it's all up to God, I have to admit that if I were in a dating/looking at marriage situation that meant I would immediately be thrown into the service of several people all at once, I would be more than a bit apprehensive.
How about you? (I realize these issues might not apply for our younger friends here, but the reality seems to be that it's more and more likely that many will be marrying into blended families that are going to stretch your time, availability, and resources.)
* Did you grow up in a small, medium, or large family? Would you prefer to marry into a family that's a similar or different size than your own, and why?
* Do you feel you'd be intimidated marrying into a family where you would immediately be caring for children, grandchildren, in-laws, or all of the above? Why or why not?
* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your time and abilities?
* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your finances?
* Do limitations on how many people you can serve keep you from dating or marrying? Why or why not?
I realize this is a topic, like most, in which there are no absolute answers. Different people will be equipped to handle things differently.
But I often wonder how many people may have rushed into some situations, not really thinking about how much service it would take and what they were capable of -- and now regret it.
For me, the possibility of getting married isn't just about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with -- it's finding the right person, and the right situation, which God knows I'll be hopefully be able to serve to the best of the abilities He gives me.
How about you?
I would love to hear other's thoughts about this.
