How Many People Can You Realistically Serve? (Especially When Marrying Into a Blended Family Situation?)

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It depends on what you're serving. A pack of oreos takes much less effort than a batch of deviled eggs for the same number of people. I can do tech support and music projects all day long for any number of people. Cleaning up poop and taking care of daily pills, I could take few care of many fewer people that way.
 
I've been in a blended family situation more than once. There are definitely issues that come up that no one could be prepared for. My current blended situation is 9 children, 6 are mine, 3 are hers. All are adults. There are also 11 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren (all from my kids).

I've been in churches as a kid, young single, young married, divorced, and remarried. Most churches don't handle non-traditional family situations well, if at all.
 
I've been in a blended family situation more than once. There are definitely issues that come up that no one could be prepared for. My current blended situation is 9 children, 6 are mine, 3 are hers. All are adults. There are also 11 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren (all from my kids).
I've been in churches as a kid, young single, young married, divorced, and remarried. Most churches don't handle non-traditional family situations well, if at all.

I personally think this is a big reason as to why modern churches are going extinct, and will continue to do so.

Of course I know church is about the spiritual and ever-lasting, and sure, the world is hard-hearted and evil is always growing.

But I also think a lot of churches (at least the ones I've been in) and spiritual leaders seem to over-emphasize the spiritual in order to excuse the fact that they can't, won't, or don't provide people with much, or any help just getting through daily life.

People have to budget every resource they have -- time, transportation, energy, and money -- and if churches only talk about things that happen when we die or how we're supposed to be helping others (without getting any relief from our OWN everyday challenges,) I can see why so many people cut church out or have no interest.
 
* Did you grow up in a small, medium, or large family? Would you prefer to marry into a family that's a similar or different size than your own, and why?

* Do you feel you'd be intimidated marrying into a family where you would immediately be caring for children, grandchildren, in-laws, or all of the above? Why or why not?

* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your time and abilities?

* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your finances?

* Do limitations on how many people you can serve keep you from dating or marrying? Why or why not?

For me, the possibility of getting married isn't just about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with -- it's finding the right person, and the right situation, which God knows I'll be hopefully be able to serve to the best of the abilities He gives me.
Speaking of your mention of the "right situation"... I remember when I was in college I was getting serious (and my family knew it) with a divorced woman with one 5 yr old. My mom said to me, "Wouldn't you rather marry someone who's never been married like you? So you both can share that first time experience of getting married and all those firsts?"

I thought about that then, and I still have the same conclusion: Yes, that would probably be preferable, but first and foremost you marry a person, not a situation. If you have the right person you can best handle and thrive in any situation.

I know situations are serious business, and maybe I'm being Pollyanna. But situations change, but your spouse's core won't. And I do know people can change, but I read that happens more when you're marrying very young. And hopefully you both are constantly maturing in Christ.

I have a mid-small family. I kind of look at this way: in larger families, generally speaking though there are more needs, there are more people and resources available. I love family and been very, very blessed to have great God-loving family members (including extended), and so I would anticipate more family is more of this blessing.

Would I be intimidated if I was marrying into a family with lots of children, especially if they were under 18yrs? Oh yeah, definitely! I would imagine being a stepfather would be difficult. It's basically adopting. But we're called to love, so I would hope I would embrace it as a chance at a fundamental human experience.

"Do limitations on how many people you can serve keep you from dating or marrying? Why or why not?" I honestly never thought about that. I guess I've always thought I can do what I can and God can do everything. When I was younger I was apprehensive to date a woman "with someone else's children", especially with an ex in the picture. That would've been bothering my "inner limitations". Other than that, I'm looking at the person and trusting in our mighty God.
 
I personally think this is a big reason as to why modern churches are going extinct, and will continue to do so.

Of course I know church is about the spiritual and ever-lasting, and sure, the world is hard-hearted and evil is always growing.

But I also think a lot of churches (at least the ones I've been in) and spiritual leaders seem to over-emphasize the spiritual in order to excuse the fact that they can't, won't, or don't provide people with much, or any help just getting through daily life.

People have to budget every resource they have -- time, transportation, energy, and money -- and if churches only talk about things that happen when we die or how we're supposed to be helping others (without getting any relief from our OWN everyday challenges,) I can see why so many people cut church out or have no interest.
On one hand, true.

On the other hand, it's not exactly in the wheelhouse of a church. What should they do about this? It's like expecting Batman to do something about tax evasion.

Screenshot_20260105-124837~2.png

Granted a lot of mixed marriage problems come from roots of spiritual trouble. But what should the church be doing about this? You can't unscramble an egg.
 
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I've been in a blended family situation more than once. There are definitely issues that come up that no one could be prepared for. My current blended situation is 9 children, 6 are mine, 3 are hers. All are adults. There are also 11 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren (all from my kids).

I've been in churches as a kid, young single, young married, divorced, and remarried. Most churches don't handle non-traditional family situations well, if at all.
Interesting. Can you give me an example of your church not handling the non-traditional family situation well?

As someone who grew up in the church and now an adult in one, I think I just treated every family the same and can't think of a situation where one would need to treat a non-traditional family different. We're ignorant until we learn.
 
Interesting. Can you give me an example of your church not handling the non-traditional family situation well?

As someone who grew up in the church and now an adult in one, I think I just treated every family the same and can't think of a situation where one would need to treat a non-traditional family different. We're ignorant until we learn.
Preaching, programs, ministries, small groups, etc. are usually for kids, teens, young adults (sometimes), younger families with kids, and seniors (sometimes). Adult singles are mostly invisible. Blended families are treated as second class. Older singles are completely invisible.
 
On one hand, true. On the other hand, it's not exactly in the wheelhouse of a church. What should they do about this? It's like expecting Batman to do something about tax evasion.
Granted a lot of mixed marriage problems come from roots of spiritual trouble. But what should the church be doing about this? You can't unscramble an egg.

I'm not a regular comic book reader, but this post reminds me of the few times when I saw those types of characters being used for the greater good.

As a kid, I saw one particular frame that I will never forget. I was too young to understand at the time, but years later, I realized what was really happening -- Batman (and Robin) weren't just stopping a crime -- they were stopping an attempted sexual assault.

I read another comic book in which other various well-known heroes taught kids the warning signals of adults trying to abuse them, and what they can do to protect themselves. I loved that these mediums were being used to address dead-serious topics head-on, when so many other outlets choose silence and looking the other way.

I see the church in much the same way. The world is a mess, and people's lives are messy. The church teaches, to the extent that it can, about the spiritual -- but then it seems to close its eyes and hope that this will magically take care of all the messes people are dealing with automatically.

But in many cases, it doesn't. And something is obviously missing.

I'm probably just a jaded and bitter old soul, but two things I always took to heart as a kid was when Jesus was faced with a crowd of thousands of hungry people listening to His teachings, He didn't belittle them, tell them they didn't want God enough, or that they weren't real believers and that fasting instead would prove how serious they were about their faith (as I hear some believers say about others today.)

No, Jesus told His disciples, "YOU give them something to eat." Now of course, there's a time when we do have to work harder, when we do have to fast, when we do have to work a little more. And of course, Jesus was also setting the stage for a miracle that would stretch the faith of everyone who witnessed it.

But in this particular moment, Jesus was telling them, "Right now, it's important to address the immediate -- and physical -- needs of these people."

Those words have always stuck in my mind, along with the times when Jesus scolded the Pharisees, saying, "You give the people burden after burden (with your teachings,) but you won't lift even a finger to help them!"

To me, Jesus's teachings were clear (and maybe it's just my own interpretation,) but I believe that Jesus was saying that along with teaching, we are to be helping each other carry our daily burdens.

No matter how small that might seem -- like you and I trying to set up a chat on a Friday night for people who might not have anyone else to talk to about their day -- even though everyone can see I'm clumsy and awkward on a mic (and that's why I drag you along!)

Philip Yancey's book, "Where Is God When It Hurts?" concludes by saying that he believes the real question might be, "Where Is The Church When It Hurts?" because a good number of God's actions on this earth occur through His people.

I know there aren't any easy answers (especially with everything turning into a lawsuit these days.)

But I'm at a point where I feel most people are being preached at to death, without anyone in church lifting a finger to actually help them.

Jesus called out the fattened shepherds for living off the backs of the people they were mistreating -- and to say God was displeased with them was an understatement. I have always been fascinated that Jesus's harshest words while He was here usually weren't for the sinners -- rather, He often scolded the very people who claimed to know Him and follow Him the best.

I often wonder of myself -- have I become just a portly, spiritually obese sheep, living too comfortably?

And if so, what I can do to try to help balance out the church's call to service rather than just teaching alone?
 
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Preaching, programs, ministries, small groups, etc. are usually for kids, teens, young adults (sometimes), younger families with kids, and seniors (sometimes). Adult singles are mostly invisible. Blended families are treated as second class. Older singles are completely invisible.

Feel free to correct me if I'm speaking out of turn or just plain ignorance, but I would guess that just being a blended family is automatically seen as being inferior in almost any church (except the liberals.)

If the leadership isn't already sizing up who got divorced, who remarried, and who committed the atrocity of adultery by doing so -- then surely everyone in the congregation will be doing so -- ten-fold.

Times are a-changing, though.

I've written in a few posts about the projection that in not too long of a time, it's estimated that 60% or more of people in church will be singles.

And I'm guessing that in my lifetime for sure, the original nuclear family will be all but extinct (because most everyone else will be single, widowed, or married/remarried into a blended family.)
 
Feel free to correct me if I'm speaking out of turn or just plain ignorance, but I would guess that just being a blended family is automatically seen as being inferior in almost any church (except the liberals.)

If the leadership isn't already sizing up who got divorced, who remarried, and who committed the atrocity of adultery by doing so -- then surely everyone in the congregation will be doing so -- ten-fold.

Times are a-changing, though.

I've written in a few posts about the projection that in not too long of a time, it's estimated that 60% or more of people in church will be singles.

And I'm guessing that in my lifetime for sure, the original nuclear family will be all but extinct (because most everyone else will be single, widowed, or married/remarried into a blended family.)
I agree with you. Assumptions are usually made about the reason(s) for divorce and remarriage.
 
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Preaching, programs, ministries, small groups, etc. are usually for kids, teens, young adults (sometimes), younger families with kids, and seniors (sometimes). Adult singles are mostly invisible. Blended families are treated as second class. Older singles are completely invisible.
Thank you, NightTwister, for being willing to educate me. But I have to admit, I'm still 100% ignorant of what you mean practically speaking regarding "example(s) of your church not handling the non-traditional family situation well". Would you be willing to give me some real world examples from your experience?

I mean, I think you're saying some things happened, but I don't know what they would be.
 
Thank you, NightTwister, for being willing to educate me. But I have to admit, I'm still 100% ignorant of what you mean practically speaking regarding "example(s) of your church not handling the non-traditional family situation well". Would you be willing to give me some real world examples from your experience?
I just did.
I mean, I think you're saying some things happened, but I don't know what they would be.
It should be apparent from my previous comment. It was to others, so I'm not sure why you didn't understand.
 
I'm not a regular comic book reader, but this post reminds me of the few times when I saw those types of characters being used for the greater good.

As a kid, I saw one particular frame that I will never forget. I was too young to understand at the time, but years later, I realized what was really happening -- Batman (and Robin) weren't just stopping a crime -- they were stopping an attempted sexual assault.

I read another comic book in which other various well-known heroes taught kids the warning signals of adults trying to abuse them, and what they can do to protect themselves. I loved that these mediums were being used to address dead-serious topics head-on, when so many other outlets choose silence and looking the other way.

I see the church in much the same way. The world is a mess, and people's lives are messy. The church teaches, to the extent that it can, about the spiritual -- but then it seems to close its eyes and hope that this will magically take care of all the messes people are dealing with automatically.

But in many cases, it doesn't. And something is obviously missing.

I'm probably just a jaded and bitter old soul, but two things I always took to heart as a kid was when Jesus was faced with a crowd of thousands of hungry people listening to His teachings, He didn't belittle them, tell them they didn't want God enough, or that they weren't real believers and that fasting instead would prove how serious they were about their faith (as I hear some believers say about others today.)

No, Jesus told His disciples, "YOU give them something to eat." Now of course, there's a time when we do have to work harder, when we do have to fast, when we do have to work a little more. And of course, Jesus was also setting the stage for a miracle that would stretch the faith of everyone who witnessed it.

But in this particular moment, Jesus was telling them, "Right now, it's important to address the immediate -- and physical -- needs of these people."

Those words have always stuck in my mind, along with the times when Jesus scolded the Pharisees, saying, "You give the people burden after burden (with your teachings,) but you won't lift even a finger to help them!"

To me, Jesus's teachings were clear (and maybe it's just my own interpretation,) but I believe that Jesus was saying that along with teaching, we are to be helping each other carry our daily burdens.

No matter how small that might seem -- like you and I trying to set up a chat on a Friday night for people who might not have anyone else to talk to about their day -- even though everyone can see I'm clumsy and awkward on a mic (and that's why I drag you along!)

Philip Yancey's book, "Where Is God When It Hurts?" concludes by saying that he believes the real question might be, "Where Is The Church When It Hurts?" because a good number of God's actions on this earth occur through His people.

I know there aren't any easy answers (especially with everything turning into a lawsuit these days.)

But I'm at a point where I feel most people are being preached at to death, without anyone in church lifting a finger to actually help them.

Jesus called out the fattened shepherds for living off the backs of the people they were mistreating -- and to say God was displeased with them was an understatement. I have always been fascinated that Jesus's harshest words while He was here usually weren't for the sinners -- rather, He often scolded the very people who claimed to know Him and follow Him the best.

I often wonder of myself -- have I become just a portly, spiritually obese sheep, living too comfortably?

And if so, what I can do to try to help balance out the church's call to service rather than just teaching alone?
Yeah, that's about how I see it too. It is not so much a matter for the church as a corporate entity, as much as it is a matter for the church as a group of people who claim they love others exactly as much as they love themselves.

But I do believe it needed to be said, because otherwise it looks like you're trying to call out the church (corporate entity) on this matter.
 
I just did.
It should be apparent from my previous comment. It was to others, so I'm not sure why you didn't understand.
OK, let me reread and reexamine. Ok, maybe I didn't stress I was specifically asking about your experience as a blended family in churches at times; and not other forms of non-traditional families. Sorry about that.
Preaching, programs, ministries, small groups, etc. are usually for kids, teens, young adults (sometimes), younger families with kids, and seniors (sometimes).
Correct me if I'm wrong (or just say never mind if you don't want to talk about it), I'm guessing you mean there are not sermons, programs, ministries and small groups for your non-traditional family? You mentioned your family was blended: newer wife and/or re-married, your kids and her kids. So you wanted some sermons, a program or small group for blended families? Besides a sermon about it here and there, I would have never thought of a program or small group specifically/exclusively for blended families; mainly because I would think the members of the blended families would be ministered by going to youth group and any married couple's groups.

But either way, if anyone wanted one, or saw the need for one, most if not all the churches I attended would have created something if it was requested, especially if someone from the blended families were going to guide/sponsor it.
Adult singles are mostly invisible.
I've been a single my entire life in churches, so I think I can speak to this one. Depending on the size of the church, their were some singles groups. And I knew I would allowed/embraced if I wanted to start a singles small group, though I'd would just host a bible study and invite singles.

I can't remember any church events or groups that didn't allow singles to attend; unless they were for children or just men/women.

Blended families are treated as second class. Older singles are completely invisible.
I feel like I'm unintentionally testing your patience, but I don't mean to. You're bringing up a problem in our (collective) church that I'm trying to understand and am hopeful I can do my part to make better.

Besides saying there's a lack of preaching, programs, ministries, small groups for blended families, was there any ways/examples of them being treated as second-class citizens?

I know a church group is a bit of a crapshoot, where there are some new, fake, ignorant, immature church members who are going to say and treat anyone disrespectfully at any time. I've experienced it; and I'm sorry anyone has to experience it. Did you have any examples of "church policy" or church leaders in their compacity as leaders treating blended families as 2nd class citizens?

Do you have any other suggestions for making blended families feel welcome/equal in churches today?
 
Yeah, that's about how I see it too. It is not so much a matter for the church as a corporate entity, as much as it is a matter for the church as a group of people who claim they love others exactly as much as they love themselves.
But I do believe it needed to be said, because otherwise it looks like you're trying to call out the church (corporate entity) on this matter.

I am indeed trying to call that out, because I think meaningful change definitely needs to include the top of the roost.
 
I am indeed trying to call that out, because I think meaningful change definitely needs to include the top of the roost.
Hmm... We must be listening to different kinds of pastors. One of my pastor's favorite taglines is "Be the church."
 
Hmm... We must be listening to different kinds of pastors. One of my pastor's favorite taglines is "Be the church."

I often wonder what conclusions you and some of the others I've known here for so many years would have come to if you would have grown up in the churches and schools I did, and how much different they might be.

As you know from the daily chats we've been over the years, I'm always thinking about something I wind up ranting about. :LOL:

Maybe what it really boils down to is that in particular church settings, I might just be too thin-skinned and too easily offended. :unsure:
 
In the congregation I used to attend , I was a pariah ! I was young , attractive and single when I joined . The women didn't want to know me and none of the men dared talk to me in case they upset their wives . There were no ' blended families ' as divorce and remarriage were not tolerated unless those that did it repented and begged the elders to b allowed to stay . If they were allowed to stay their status and privileges and duties were curtailed , not allowed to serve or teach etc . They were never ever re instated into full privileges , if u got divorced and were allowed to stay , for the rest of your life u would b denigrated and everyone else knew it . Anything out of the ordinary meant out of the door unless u repented and begged to stay . One poor guy was basically kicked out because he got h.i.v. from a blood transfusion . One married sister regularly came to meetings with black eyes or bruises on her face and no one said a word . A young married sister who was sat next to her husband , sat and cried all the way through one of our Sunday services and no one asked her what the problem was , not long afterwards , she and her husband got divorced and guess which one of them was allowed to stay ? I can think of a few other things also and I was only there about 6 years , and it was a very small congregation . I had to leave when I met my hubby and fell in love with him because he wasn't a member . I had previously been pestered by a divorced male there and when I eventually told someone else , an elderly sister , they took his side because he was a life long member and I was a newbie . I had put up with him for a few years before I had to say something . All that and more , in about 6 years and in a very small congregation .
 
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In the congregation I used to attend , I was a pariah ! I was young , attractive and single when I joined . The women didn't want to know me and none of the men dared talk to me in case they upset their wives . There were no ' blended families ' as divorce and remarriage were not tolerated unless those that did it repented and begged the elders to b allowed to stay . If they were allowed to stay their status and privileges and duties were curtailed , not allowed to serve or teach etc . They were never ever re instated into full privileges , if u got divorced and were allowed to stay , for the rest of your life u would b denigrated and everyone else knew it . Anything out of the ordinary meant out of the door unless u repented and begged to stay . One poor guy was basically kicked out because he got h.i.v. from a blood transfusion . One married sister regularly came to meetings with black eyes or bruises on her face and no one said a word . A young married sister who was sat next to her husband , sat and cried all the way through one of our Sunday services and no one asked her what the problem was , not long afterwards , she and her husband got divorced and guess which one of them was allowed to stay ? I can think of a few other things also and I was only there about 6 years , and it was a very small congregation . I had to leave when I met my hubby and fell in love with him because he wasn't a member . I had previously been pestered by a divorced male there and when I eventually told someone else , an elderly sister , they took his side because he was a life long member and I was a newbie . I had put up with him for a few years before I had to say something . All that and more , in about 6 years and in a very small congregation .

Thank you so much for sharing this, Suze.

These are exactly the types of attitudes I am familiar with in church circles, and you illustrated the prejudices, discriminations, and blind eyes (all while raining down teachings of God's love and forgiveness) perfectly.

The kinds of things you shared here are exactly why I have wanted to leave church as a whole multiple times during my life.

Thank you again for your post! 💖
 
On the church problems side: I think the root of the problem is that churches tend toward certain kinds of leaders and those leaders have a hard time seeing beyond themselves which is a problem everyone has. But your pastor is probably married with children or else so young he's working on having children with his wife, which means his day to day challenges and experiences are those of a husband and parent. And he doesn't have to work very hard to think about what married people with children need and want in a church. But singles, or someone jumping into parenting a teenager that they didn't grow up with, that's outside of his daily experience and he has to put forth some effort to connect with their daily struggles and experience. And it kind of becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that church is designed for families, so mainly families come to church, so the need for more programming for families is evident, the leaders for those programs are also family people, and everyone else kind of gets ignored and they don't see the point in sticking around.

In fairness this isn't a situation unique to churches and most of us are probably also guilty of looking through the lens of our own day to day .

The other big problem with churches being the church is that we've grown up in an expert culture, so anything really big or serious we think we don't have the expertise for and want to leave people to professional experts. But in the meantime we've also kind of lost the art of being a friend and sitting with people through their troubles even if we can't do anything about them. And we're such and individualistic and productive culture that we don't like asking for help and even more don't like the feeling that comes from someone needing help and there's nothing we can do to help.

I think being single there's also an aspect of when a spouse pleads your case or stands up for your needs they're being a good spouse and everyone understands. When you try to do the same for yourself (like you have to when you're single) you look whiny and selfish and probably a whole lot of other things that people in an unhealthy church environment will be quick to label you with. So there's a natural reluctance among the best of singles to bring up their issues with being single in church because they don't want to be selfish.