Seoulsearch Tries To Date Multiple People At Once -- Ending In Epic Failure!

[RodB651]

All very good thoughts up there Lynx and Seoul !!!

 

[RodB651]

I also had the lovely church people telling me I could never remarry.

Personally, this is my favorite line!

Don't you just love lovely church people!

 

[seoulsearch]

This forum really needs a text to speech option, where I can just tap a button and my phone will read me the post while I'm driving. I live 14 miles from my job, and it would be a good use of drive time.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I woke up with a little extra energy and it all went into typing.

 

[seoulsearch]

Personally, this is my favorite line!

Don't you just love lovely church people!

Why, brother, we all love those lovely church people!

 

[seoulsearch]

All very good thoughts up there Lynx and Seoul !!!

You, Lynx, and several others here have been a tremendous blessing in my life.

And I'm so thankful that every now and then, we get to carry things out in person!

Have we ever mentioned that Rodney makes the best burgers any of us had ever had!?

If only we could get them to go.

 

[JohnDB]

It's funny that John seems to think I "failed" at dating because I must have something wrong or because I'm not married

Dating is an activity whose end goal is marriage.
And the prima fascia evidence of your admissions is a failure in your endeavor of dating.

I did NOT say that you did not have opportunities for marriage in your life....
Stop putting words in my posts that do not exist or psychanalyzing my statements.

I'm not a cardboard cutout....I'm a person here. Please try to remember that. I KNOW that it's difficult for you....but make an effort at least.

 

[seoulsearch]

Dating is an activity whose end goal is marriage. And the prima fascia evidence of your admissions is a failure in your endeavor of dating.
I'm not a cardboard cutout....I'm a person here. Please try to remember that. I KNOW that it's difficult for you....but make an effort at least.

I guess I was never truly dating then -- I was making friends.

And that, I think, has been a big success.

It's funny that you accuse me of treating you like a cardboard cutout, when you always put singles into one big lump -- of which you always point out you are glad to not be part of, as if we are some how lesser for being so.

It would be nice to see you treat singles like fully-formed people who have just as important of God-given callings as marrieds do, but I know that isn't going to happen.

And you always come here to single and speak to us the lower-level beings you see us as.

 

[seoulsearch]

I'm not a cardboard cutout....I'm a person here. Please try to remember that. I KNOW that it's difficult for you....but make an effort at least.

I remember walking into a singles SS class after getting divorced and listening to the banter between them and thinking that I seriously don't want to return or turn into these people.

Well, singles are consistently slightly flirty but never anything overt....always baiting for the "ego stroke".Then there's the non-stop "resume building" for a prospective spouse. Guys doing "manly things" (except admitting to video games) and girls trying to improve their figure, appearance and reduce debts.
Married people don't do any of this. We tend to think "we" all of the time. We don't care about self improvement....really! We don't want more college degrees or reduced debt or increased savings. We are usually generous with compliments because it's a habit. We aren't constantly signaling "available " with somewhat flirty comments or manipulating for ego strokes. We look for activities that aren't so gender specific. We definitely have a high value on a good dinner and conversation. How trite is it for married guys to excell at barbecue(or cooking in general), care about lawn maintenance or shrubbery?
Married guys (the good ones) are all knowledgeable and involved about their children and know a lot about their discipline and achievements.

Where singles are ever ready to talk about themselves, married people talk about everyone and everything else except for themselves because their focused mindset is always outside of themselves.
I knew a single woman that had a huge strawberry across her face and neck and arms. But she was always pleasant and was the queen of bunt cakes...always concerned about feeding us during class. Out of everyone else in the singles class she was the first to get married. And she was up against three different "barbie" type women with impeccable dress, makeup, pedigrees and resumes. (I myself have never been interested in the cooking sort...I am a four star (French Mobile) five diamond class of chef . I can cook very well for two or two thousand. I personally have been a fan of the "smart girls" . (And it doesn't necessarily work out for me) So none of the barbies were to my taste.

But at any rate that should give you a starting point to begin noticing the differences.

I remember your posts of how you view singles very well.

And you accuse me of treating you like a cardboard cutout... Hmm. Because surely none of the statements you've said about singles are treating them like cardboard cutouts at all...

When this is what you think of them, and you yourself have stated that you "don't want to return or turn to these people," why do you keep coming here?

 

[JohnDB]

which you always point out you are glad to not be part of, as if we are some how lesser for being so.

Again,
I've said NOTHING SIMILAR TO THIS. STOP PUTTING EXTRA WORDS IN WHAT I POST.
STOP PSYCHOANALYZING PEOPLE. You aren't any good at it.


I am very happily married....I never thought that I would be....but I am...and I'm extremely grateful to God that I finally found the correct formula. I am happy to have a ministry partner and wife who helps me as I am also glad and excited to help her with her endeavors. And since you have ZERO EXPERIENCE WITH THAT you really have no basis upon with to judge the nature of our relationship despite you having once been married. Because if you did....you would understand what I'm relating.

And yes, most definitely you treat people as cardboard cutouts as a sum total of whatever attributes you check boxes on some list you use on them. Whether in person or long distance. It does seem to matter.
Just as a possibility....you might be hanging around and being influenced by people who despise marriage to begin with despite their claims to the contrary. I'll grant you that grace and suggest that if it is so you are then you need to make better friends.

And finally.....
I'm ignoring all your backpeddling as another bit of grace....which is more grace. Because if I were to call out your huge disingenuousness it would really point out that whole cardboard cutout thing you want hidden about yourself.

 

[Sculpt]

Are they the missionary or mission field?

LOL! Well said, JohnDB. Mind if I borrow that? I fell in a snare and had to live that phrase, about a year of tribulation.

 

[HeIsHere]

LOL! Well said, JohnDB. Mind if I borrow that? I fell in a snare and had to live that phrase, about a year of tribulation.

It is an insightful statement.

 

[HeIsHere]

well
Well
Well

After reading this post....
It's obvious to me why you had a colossal failure in dating.....

And why you really shouldn't "date" more than one person at a time.

Make friends instead.
Friend zone EVERYONE.

Sure hugs can be just fine. Maybe a kiss on the cheek. But nothing more until there is more organically.

Because until you actually connect and identify with someone and are willing to be emotionally vulnerable it's a waste of everyone's time and emotions. A notch on the belt is rather meaningless. And people are worth more than that.

Sure, the stories are fascinating...and the cognitive dissonance is interesting...but that doesn't mean that they are ready for a committed relationship...just like you really aren't either. Because you have to be a "joiner" if you are to have a committed, long-term relationship.

When was the last time you were a fan of someone?

Is it the idea of a relationship with a person or the specific person themselves that you like?

Everyone of course likes the idea and ideal of what married life can do for you...but the nuts and bolts seem out of reach for some inexplicable reason (of course everyone not in one has reasons they believe to be true....but are they?).

When I was "single again" I had made a LOT of friends. I hugged those who were receptive...and those hugs meant a lot. Not really a sexual thing but more along the lines of an acceptance thing of caring...because singles often are alone and feel lonely at times. And some you ran to the other side of the church to avoid having to give them a hug...because many singles are borderline crazies you want nothing to do with.

From my wedding vows:
Is this person a ministry partner who assists in your ministries or a drag on resources and keeps you from accomplishing ministry tasks. Are they the missionary or mission field? Are you comfortable helping them with their ministries? IE...are you joining two successful ministries or 2 planners of doing "something"?

You are either doing something or nothing.

This does really cut to the chase.

I am of the mind it is high time to throw out the "How to Date Christian Style" books and just try living authentic lives for Jesus, dating has never seemed very authentic to me, more about pretense.

 

[17Bees]

This should be in midnight confession page, but this might be a better place at the moment after reading the dialog from @seoulsearch and @JohnDB. My confession is that I tend to think more in terms of perception than I do in perspective. I used to think those two words were much the same, but they're miles apart - and there's the rub.

My perception is ..... I guess my sensory concept of how I organize my thoughts. It's my capacity of how I view a thing or a person according to my experience or my memory (or countless other senses) and developing conclusions about the thing or the person based on those personal thoughts. But perspective is an actual view of a thing or person so that my senses are no longer a concept but rather a reality and so my conclusions are usually completely different. - and there's the rub too because perceptions are easy for me and perspectives are hard.

So, which is better. Well, in that my perceptions are personal and debated and concluded by my own head with only the prosecution present and no defense, I'd have to say my perceptions are usually flawed.

This was a long way of understanding the two most important commandments of God. Matthew 22:34-36

 

[seoulsearch]

Again, I've said NOTHING SIMILAR TO THIS. STOP PUTTING EXTRA WORDS IN WHAT I POST. STOP PSYCHOANALYZING PEOPLE. You aren't any good at it.


I am very happily married....I never thought that I would be....but I am...and I'm extremely grateful to God that I finally found the correct formula. I am happy to have a ministry partner and wife who helps me as I am also glad and excited to help her with her endeavors. And since you have ZERO EXPERIENCE WITH THAT you really have no basis upon with to judge the nature of our relationship despite you having once been married. Because if you did....you would understand what I'm relating.

And yes, most definitely you treat people as cardboard cutouts as a sum total of whatever attributes you check boxes on some list you use on them. Whether in person or long distance. It does seem to matter.
Just as a possibility....you might be hanging around and being influenced by people who despise marriage to begin with despite their claims to the contrary. I'll grant you that grace and suggest that if it is so you are then you need to make better friends.

I'm not sure why you say I keep speaking for you. I didn't add a single word to your posts. I deleted some things for brevity, but the quotes I posted are your own posts, made in a different thread:

https://christianchat.com/christian-singles-forum/trouble-with-friends.211054/#post-5081375

Post #6 and Post #13.

All I'm doing is I'm quoting you, back to you.

In Post #18, someone even responded to your posts, "OMY, did you have to pay extra for that oh so broad brush?"

This is in response to your talk of treating people like cardboard cutouts, because in these posts, you are doing this very thing.

I'm ignoring all your backpeddling as another bit of grace....which is more grace. Because if I were to call out your huge disingenuousness it would really point out that whole cardboard cutout thing you want hidden about yourself.

My threads and posts are an open book, so I'm not sure what you think I'm trying to hide about myself. But you certainly have a right to call out what you see as my disingenuousness.

And most exchanges like this make for useful thread ideas in the end.

After you get that all out -- and you are welcome to do so -- I would actually like to ask you to place me on Ignore.

The reason I don't use the Ignore function is because in order to write threads, I have to keep up with conversations. Another user in another thread recently demonstrated what happens when they have everyone on Ignore but try to start threads and then answer without knowing what's going on, so Ignore isn't useful for me.

But I know (and I think it might have been in the same thread as in the link,) that you said you put Lynx on Ignore, then posted the song "Dead to Me" for emphasis, so I know you use yours. Again, if you think I'm speaking for you, I can find the posts and put them up.

And I would be very honored if you would put me on that list.

If not, I understand.

I used to think you were like a cool father figure who came in to hang out now and then, but it always feels like for you, marriage is the one and only answer. But we have lots of other married people who also come here and don't see us all as failing for not being married.

I can respect that this is your experience, but mine is much different, and I will continue to write from the vantage point of where I feel God has me.

It's an interesting thing. I know that I myself annoy a lot of people, but yet, those same people always flock to my threads.

 

[Sculpt]

This forum really needs a text to speech option, where I can just tap a button and my phone will read me the post while I'm driving. I live 14 miles from my job, and it would be a good use of drive time.

I use the text to speech/read aloud option sometimes. I just sit in my comfy chair, rest my eyes and listen to a longer article. Most browsers have it. Might have to download it. For some you just highlight the text (Shift + End) and select read aloud.

 

[seoulsearch]

I should mention that I did indeed write my responses specifically with John's posts in mind, both the ones written here and also in the other linked thread. My responses were centered around the framework of answering John, not married people in general. I had a little extra energy this morning and it all went into frenzied writing.

I certainly understand that not all married people have the same views, and I apologize to those I may have offended.

It makes me very thankful for the married people who come here and encourage singles, even those who stay single.

I also understand that John is going to say that I'm backpedaling and it's his and anyone else's right to feel that way.

I always invite anyone I offend or who doesn't like my threads and posts to put me on Ignore.

 

[seoulsearch]

I use the text to speech/read aloud option sometimes. I just sit in my comfy chair, rest my eyes and listen to a longer article. Most browsers have it. Might have to download it. For some you just highlight the text (Shift + End) and select read aloud.

Thanks for this very helpful tip, Sculpt.

I might try using this function to edit my own posts!

(I know I always miss at least a couple of mistakes, but I do try.)

 

[JohnDB]

LOL! Well said, JohnDB. Mind if I borrow that? I fell in a snare and had to live that phrase, about a year of tribulation.

I wish I was the originator of the statement....but I heard it from another missionary at the time talking about someone on our team. (And she wasn't talking about me even though I felt like the odd man out with no skills to contribute....but I did actually to my surprise)
Missionary work is NOT for everyone. Real Fasting is the training wheels for mission work. It's hot or sometimes cold....it's often brutal on your body. Creature comforts are practically non-existent...and sometimes necessities are that way too. You get aged quickly in the mission field. High stress situations are constant. Situational awareness and good snap decisions are necessary skills. Flexible dietary needs are also a requisite because eating never happens on a consistent schedule and food is never things you get at home.
Mainly because it's NOT ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. But having a friend helping you with your tasks? Absolutely priceless beyond measure.
Because that bit of missionary work you are doing means so much to those who are receiving it....more than you can imagine. And on rare occasion, the good words and dedicated attitude you bring can change an entire community or nation for generations to come.
A person who complains "they don't like my cooking" or "they don't demonstrate their love for me in ways I want" do NOT need to be missionaries as they are still the mission field.

I've been lucky/Blessed with my Ministry Partner/wife....we've changed lives, advocated for those who couldn't speak up for themselves, and preached the Gospel(Good News) Message to EVERYONE...including a few who were supposed to already know it. And then we left the country and fulfilled some missionary work outside of America. Got our minds blown with what God did out there through us. (I think I accidentally changed a nation....dunno yet but some noise was made)

Currently I'm in the middle of nowhere GA....living on a fruit and nut farm. We cause a LOT of mischief.

 

[Snackersmom]

Yep, I remember. While we're on that side of this subject; if you're willing to talk about it; we're you 'burned' by someone (or more) that you were seeing? If so, what was the gist of the most impactful one?

One focus of psychological research would suggest that you had a close and secure relationship with your father.


Absolutely yes, me keeping me from getting prematurely attached. Mainly because they are a bad match, or someone who would be bad for anyone. Not so much because they may ultimately choose someone else. Pain and rejection come with life. We have to leave room for God, right?

Everybody has different life (dating) experiences. Perhaps some dating experiences were directed by our good God, or maybe none. Or maybe God has created good from them in the form of discernment and caution. I'm sure it's a mix of many things; and we just have to do our best to listen to God and gain wisdom.

I've been so blessed with knowing so many good people. And I know very well everyone is imperfect; otherwise, I wouldn't have so many close family and friends. But by-in-large my dating partners have been a disappointing contrast.

Is my selection process dysfunctional, poor luck of the draw, cultural issues, supernatural intervention?


Commonsense-wise, statistically, I would agree, if you somehow know a guy is meeting/talking to other women, it's less likely he prematurely attaches to you.

But you do have me curious, how do you define a guy getting inappropriately attached to you?

Inappropriate attachment exists of course . But what is it? It's something worthwhile to think about. Is it only when you don't feel the same way? Is it time? Is it how much they really know you?

We know about love at first sight, and couples getting happily married for life after a few days. A very good match can happen, right? I think we can discern when it's too soon based on the shared experience and commonsense; but is it inappropriate for someone to like you a lot before you like them? Surely that alone doesn't make it bad, evil, toxic, or a "red flag", right? People can tap any necessary relationship brakes without a breakup, right?, without the need of you "pushing them away" as you put it? To make space for a healthy relationship, can you imagine a scenario where it's okay, and one where it's not?

Hi Sculpt, your questions kinda blew my mind . Been on a memory trip all day as a result. But I don't want to derail Seoulsearch's thread. Also, I'm not sure if the questions were rhetorical and just meant as food for thought (if so, they have achieved their objective! ). If they aren't rhetorical and you're wanting to hear the answers, I could Private Message them or post in my Fear of attraction thread.... or if Seoul doesn't mind I can reply here but there's a lot going on and I'm trying not to butt in.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hi Sculpt, your questions kinda blew my mind . Been on a memory trip all day as a result. But I don't want to derail Seoulsearch's thread. Also, I'm not sure if the questions were rhetorical and just meant as food for thought (if so, they have achieved their objective! ). If they aren't rhetorical and you're wanting to hear the answers, I could Private Message them or post in my Fear of attraction thread.... or if Seoul doesn't mind I can reply here but there's a lot going on and I'm trying not to butt in.

I would love to hear your replies if it's ok -- I'm sure they could help a lot of people.