The long and the short of it was that the Great Chieftain of Mosestaria - Moses the Young(er), had become involved in another war. This time, with the Shittimistanians. You see, the Shittimistanians hold in special reverence a particular breed of monkey - the Simian Pinchfist. The Shittimistanians believe the Simian Pinchfist is especially favoured above all other apes by its Creator, because the Simian Pinchfist can't pronounce vowel sounds. It can only speak in consonants. For example, were a Simian Pinchfist to say the word "dog", it would sound like "d_g" to the casual listener. The Shittimistanians reverence for the Simian Pinchfist borders on a type of mild worship.
There is also another breed of monkey, called the Boorian Bonobo, a somewhat more primitive-looking ape. Anyhoo, there had been somewhat of another border dispute between the Boorian Bonobos and the Simian Pinchfists - something about someone taking more than his fair share of bananas from the banana tree, and apparently 50 baby Simian Pinchfists had died of food poisoning as a result of the theft.
The somewhat shifty, squint-eyed leader of the Simian Pinchfists, one king Netan Yamabenji, had decreed that the time had come to implement the final solution to the Boorian Bonobos, which coincidentally, seemed to align almost exactly with Shittimistanian beliefs about Armageddon and the end of the Banana Age.
While enthusiastically engaged in an International Spy-Vision call with the Great Chieftain of Mosestaria - may his whiskers ever be sleek and pointy - on this latest turn of events, the Shittimistanian leader had proposed a toast to the blood of Boorian Bonobos everywhere. Never the biggest fan of toast at the best of times, but all-the-moreso when said toast is tainted with blood - no less the blood of the untamed, semi-hygenic Boorian Bonobos - the Great Mosestarian Chieftain had quickly pointed out the the Simian Pinchfists' banana tree was the most heavily guarded tree in the whole of the Simian Pinchfist empire for Boorian Bonobos to achieve the banana theft so successfully, and even if it weren't, banana theft doesn't cause food poisoning in baby Simian Pinchfists anyway, and perhaps Netan Yamabenji had more to gain from this Final Solution to the Boorian Bonobos than met the eye?
Insulted by the Mosestarian Chieftain's questioning of the leader of one of their (almost) deities, the Shittimistanians had immediately declared war on the Mosestarian sector of Antarctica, and the Great Chieftain had been forced to take some precautionary measures, one of which was the forcible kidnapping of his long-sleeping arch-nemesis, Miss Ruby of Rubyland, the tieing of her ankles by rope, and the dangling of her helpless, sleeping form over a chilling cauldron of Antarctic-special, sub-zero degree water, kept liquid only by a special, secret additive patented in all the major Western nations by the Great Chieftain himself. One touch of this water would instantaneously turn Miss Ruby of the Ruby Triangle into a Ruby-shaped icicle.
The Great Chieftain smiled grimly to himself. He knew there was no hope of waking Miss Ruby by now... But he would have his revenge ere he invaded Shittimistan...
1
