I don't know how I messed up the format on that last reply so bad, but it looked like you knew which part was me. Please understand that I am still not trying to do anything now but testify to what our God has shown me and point another to Him. I just want to share my perspective with you. I am only saying these next things because I love you and want you to find the peace inside that you're seeking. Again please know I'm not trying to "teach you", or throw stones, nothing like that.
I don't know if you've been born again yet, and I don't say that like I could even know. You just seem to sound just like I did before He saved me. The biggest reason I say this is because someone that truly KNOWS Jesus and has been reconciled to Him in Spirit by His power also KNOWS that they were absolutely born for a reason. You'd know in your soul that "I should have never been born", is a lie and impossible to be true. I can't tell you what to do to be born again because it's personal between each person and Him, but I can tell you how it happen for me. I hit my knees in complete defeat, if I had ever truly believed in God before this, when I hit my knees I didn't. I had just reached the end of my own power and could no longer hide from the truth of my futility. I was broken and trapped with no power at all to do anything about it. I hit my knees and quit, I said "I can't do it anymore, I can't do it anymore, I can't do it anymore, world you win and I quit!". That was it, no formula, no one to witness it, I did so at my lowest point completely soggy from the streaming tears, but it was more about my state then anything.
I didn't know it at the time, but God had just granted me repentance. I woke up the next day new, but it didn't even dawn on me until lunch the next day what happen. At lunchtime it hit me like a freight train, "I haven't thought about killing myself at all today!" From there I didn't know what happen, but whatever this was it was God, and Jesus was His son. I'm not really sharing this as a template for you, but for you to ask yourself if this has happen to you? Have you put yourself to death and been resurrected and reconciled to the REAL LIFE God? I just relate to the chaos you've got going inside, and you're seeking. He is the way, you are right about that, and He is calling YOU, you have purpose and I am going to be praying for you to be as amazed by the truth of Him as I was when He opens your eyes. The truth is that you are WONDERFULLY made exactly how you were supposed to be and Our King has a purpose for you. Being born again is an actual event that happens, not a mental choice we make at church, keep looking to Him and SEEK with your whole hurting heart, He tells us we will find!