Hi Everyone,
In another thread, I was talking about the fact that many of the single girls I know (including myself) are remaining single in the hopes of finding a man who doesn't have an addiction or strong attraction to porn (as in regular dependency -- daily viewings, regular time and money spent on materials by choice, can't go for very long without it, etc., not just occasional dabblings most everyone has.)
I had made the observation that I knew many women (again, including myself,) seemed to find great guy friends who weren't into porn, but for some reason, we were always just friends. And then often the ones we were attracted to were also hooked on porn. It's not an absolute, of course, but seemed to happen a lot in my observation.
This brought up an exchange that has me thinking:
(CC Member) Sculpt wrote:
"So, the guys (these women) do have romantic chemistry with are only the guys who are a slave to porn? In other words, the guys that are a slave to porn are the only guys that give the single girls some romantic chemistry? It sounds like a Catch 22 lol. Do you think there's a problem on both sides?"
Seoulsearch (I) responded:
"Sculpt, do you have women in your life that you've Friend Zoned, or they have Friend Zoned you? What are the reasons? The biggest one I hear from whoever has decided it will only be a friendship is that there is no "chemistry" between them. Whatever that means, as people have been trying to decipher it from the beginning of time, but for whatever reason, the person has no romantic feelings for the other person.
Now I can only speak from my experience, but I've met some awesome guys who are not into porn, but for whatever reason, we were just friends. I have not had many relationships in my life, but of the ones I did and of the guys I was attracted to, porn was often a regular habit for them. I'd like to think I'm older and wiser now, and have learned I'd rather stay single than be with someone who constantly needs to look at other women.
I understand being human in a fallen world. We can't avoid everything, and we are all going to fall at some point, and on occasion. But if someone is regularly, willfully, and intentionally seeking such material on a regular basis, I have to pass on anything more than a friendship. The female friends I have feel the same way -- but of course, we are just a small sampling of all the possible outlooks out there.
I do think that porn has probably been a long-time problem for women in modern society, but often more in the written sense. Any used bookstore I've ever been to has had at least one entire wall of "romance novels," so for a few dollars, women could stock up on literal armfuls of literary porn daily. And of course, with even ads these days being borderline and sometimes over the top, I'm sure many women get hooked on the visuals too. I talked to one woman a long time ago who, while trying to police her husband's porn habits, was falling into an attraction to it herself -- and they still wound up divorcing.
I do think though that in general, many women need more of a background story to go with it, which is why literary porn would be popular with them (and why they are into romance novels being turned into movies.) This is part of why women love to hear about how couples met, how they fell in love, how they started flirting and what made them attracted to each other, etc. The story and process is a big part of the attraction for many women.
You do have me thinking about something interesting... In my time here on CC, there have been tons of women asking for help because their husbands are regularly watching and sometimes preferring porn to them. I've also seen some posts here from women who were addicted to porn and asking for advice.
But in 14 years, I can't recall ever seeing a husband asking for help because his wife was addicted to porn. I'm sure it exists, and maybe there have been threads here about it that I've missed. But it has me wondering why men don't reach out for help with this issue when it's their wife who is the one with the problem.
Is it because they're battling their own porn addictions? Is it because they're too embarrassed to ask for help and admit their wives are turning to sources other than them? Do some men not care or are willing to ignore it if their wives are reading or looking at trash, just as long as she makes personal time for him?
I don't know the answers, but now you definitely have me thinking about the other side of the coin."
I have literally been thinking about this subject ever since. I have been in the homes of married Christian women in which they have entire bookcases filled with "romance" novels -- and it might just be me, but I see this as the equivalent of a husband who has his own library of pornographic materials.
It's odd to me that these types of books have seemingly been accepted as something normal in some Christian circles. I have a collection of cookbooks (even though I don't really cook -- that's another story for another day) from a company called Gooseberry Patch. Some of the ladies here may have heard of them, as they are very popular among church-going, country-living homemakers.
A series of their books feature a set of fictional cartoon characters who represent other women "in the neighborhood," as each book has a very down-home, hang-out-with-neighbors-on-the-porch kind of style.
The books have little illustrations of the characters doing everyday things, almost like a comic book. And I was personally shocked to see some of the pictures showing the women lazily reading books entitled "Lust in the Afternoon," while watching their kids at the pool on a summer day.
These characters are represented as having husbands and children, and the books often talk about things like church attendance, potlucks, and sometimes include Bible verses.
As I said earlier in the post, I'm sure more and more women have become addicted to visual and more "mainstream" porn in our modern indecency-saturated culture, but why don't we see men asking for help when their wives are addicted to porn?
* If a wife's addiction is in the form of books, is it simply overlooked? If he caught her actually viewing materials, would it then seem like more of a "real" addiction?
* Are husbands too embarrassed to ask for help? Or for the ones who battle their own porn addictions, it the thought of also trying to help their wife too overwhelming?
* Husbands, have you or would you have a talk with your wife if she was reading a steady stream of questionable books? Have you ever sought help or gone to the church for these kinds of issues?
I am genu59-husbands) more than what is talked about. I'm looking forward to learning from what you all have to say.
P.S.
@Subhumanoidal -- thank you for your insightful answer in the other thread. I decided to just expand the topic to a dedicated thread in the hopes of even further constructive conversations.
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Or maybe it caused him to feel less desperate and not care what women think, which might make him seem more attractive.
