Not sure what to do.

  • Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.

    If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!

    To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
Q

qzxcvbn

New member
#1
Jun 1, 2023
11
7
3
#1
Good morning to all,
I need some advice on how to move forward with my daughter. She's been caught lying again and I don't know what to do.
She has been on "holiday" for most of May but in fact she quit her job. My wife and I have asked her a few times did she still have a job and she said yes. I sent a Whatsapp message on our family group two days ago asking what shift she would be working so I could try to drop her off if it wasn't too late. She replied she would catch the bus and started in June.

I had a feeling she had left her job, but all was confirmed Monday evening. My wife confirmed she no longer had a job etc.
She's put my son and his girlfriend in an impossible situation for the past month and my wife the past couple of days since she found out. This isn't the first time she has done this. Lying does come too easy to her, I did think she had grown up a bit and sorted herself out, but I am wrong.

Her brother, his girlfriend and my wife have moved on, but I can't. She's not sorry and she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. I've told my wife I can't forgive her and can't move forward, and I know this is going to cause issues with her and my wife. But she has taken away my trust and it doesnt look like she realises what she's done. I want to make it clear her leaving her job isnt the issue but it's the lies and the situation she put us all in I can't get past. My wife wants to make amends and I can't do it.

I've had a look in the Bible about lying and I didn't know it's treated more serious than I thought.
If anyone can give me advice on how to move forward, Now I can't see a happy conclusion.
 
Magenta

Magenta

Senior Member
#2
Jul 3, 2015
61,166
30,313
113
#2
Does your daughter still live with you?


Welcome!
:)
 
L

Locoponydirtman

Guest
#3
#3
qzxcvbn said:
Good morning to all,
I need some advice on how to move forward with my daughter. She's been caught lying again and I don't know what to do.
She has been on "holiday" for most of May but in fact she quit her job. My wife and I have asked her a few times did she still have a job and she said yes. I sent a Whatsapp message on our family group two days ago asking what shift she would be working so I could try to drop her off if it wasn't too late. She replied she would catch the bus and started in June.

I had a feeling she had left her job, but all was confirmed Monday evening. My wife confirmed she no longer had a job etc.
She's put my son and his girlfriend in an impossible situation for the past month and my wife the past couple of days since she found out. This isn't the first time she has done this. Lying does come too easy to her, I did think she had grown up a bit and sorted herself out, but I am wrong.

Her brother, his girlfriend and my wife have moved on, but I can't. She's not sorry and she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. I've told my wife I can't forgive her and can't move forward, and I know this is going to cause issues with her and my wife. But she has taken away my trust and it doesnt look like she realises what she's done. I want to make it clear her leaving her job isnt the issue but it's the lies and the situation she put us all in I can't get past. My wife wants to make amends and I can't do it.

I've had a look in the Bible about lying and I didn't know it's treated more serious than I thought.
If anyone can give me advice on how to move forward, Now I can't see a happy conclusion.
Click to expand...
How old is she?
Does she live with you?
Do you financially support her?
 
Q

qzxcvbn

New member
#4
Jun 1, 2023
11
7
3
#4
My daughter is 26 and she does live with use, so does her brother. We are not supporting her financially at the moment But when she quit her job last time we did support her for nine months.
She as said she's got a job which is ment to make it alright.
 
L

Locoponydirtman

Guest
#5
#5
qzxcvbn said:
My daughter is 26 and she does live with use, so does her brother. We are not supporting her financially at the moment But when she quit her job last time we did support her for nine months.
She as said she's got a job which is ment to make it alright.
Click to expand...
Why isn't she married and working on her own family?
 
Sojourner414

Sojourner414

Member
#6
May 29, 2023
56
18
8
Planet Earth
#6
qzxcvbn said:
Good morning to all,
I need some advice on how to move forward with my daughter. She's been caught lying again and I don't know what to do.
She has been on "holiday" for most of May but in fact she quit her job. My wife and I have asked her a few times did she still have a job and she said yes. I sent a Whatsapp message on our family group two days ago asking what shift she would be working so I could try to drop her off if it wasn't too late. She replied she would catch the bus and started in June.

I had a feeling she had left her job, but all was confirmed Monday evening. My wife confirmed she no longer had a job etc.
She's put my son and his girlfriend in an impossible situation for the past month and my wife the past couple of days since she found out. This isn't the first time she has done this. Lying does come too easy to her, I did think she had grown up a bit and sorted herself out, but I am wrong.

Her brother, his girlfriend and my wife have moved on, but I can't. She's not sorry and she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. I've told my wife I can't forgive her and can't move forward, and I know this is going to cause issues with her and my wife. But she has taken away my trust and it doesnt look like she realises what she's done. I want to make it clear her leaving her job isnt the issue but it's the lies and the situation she put us all in I can't get past. My wife wants to make amends and I can't do it.

I've had a look in the Bible about lying and I didn't know it's treated more serious than I thought.
If anyone can give me advice on how to move forward, Now I can't see a happy conclusion.
Click to expand...
here's a big difference between forgiveness and reconciliation; that said, your daughter is pretty much just using you and your family to keep herself afloat while she does as she pleases. Because she keeps on lying and putting your family through this, she is showing no signs of even trying to struggle with her sin.

I feel the one you need to talk to first before anyone else is your wife; she is enabling your daughter and allowing her to continue using your family. She needs to understand the difference I told you about, as well as understand that once you folks are departed, there will be no one to pick your daughter back up. There are many reasons parents enable their kids, and these emotions may be going through her heart on this:

Doubt: she doesn't feel her daughter can take care of herself

Guilt: she's supposed to protect her

Fear: her daughter will become homeless, go hungry, or suffer in other ways

Pride: she believes she owes her children everything, so she sacrifices endlessly

Shame: what would people think if they saw her daughter poor while she was doing well?

Discomfort: better to just "go along with it" than risk a confrontation

Control: as long as she gives her daughter money, she has say in her life

Responsibility: she may feel that she never taught her daughter how to be self-sufficient and feels responsible for her

I think if you can get your wife to talk about the "why" and what she's feeling, that will go a long way to resolving this.
 
F

FollowingtheWay

Guest
#7
#7
I think you might look into what biblical forgiveness actually is. The culture defines love and forgiveness a bit differently than what Christianity defines it. I’d suggest a good read called boundaries as well. While some of the scripture references in Boundaries might be a stretch at times it’s based and it’s written on biblical principles. Another one I’d suggest is called Bold Love-Dr.Dan Allender -it’s some insight on how to biblically love those who are most difficult to love.
 
Q

qzxcvbn

New member
#8
Jun 1, 2023
11
7
3
#8
FollowingtheWay said:
I think you might look into what biblical forgiveness actually is. The culture defines love and forgiveness a bit differently than what Christianity defines it. I’d suggest a good read called boundaries as well. While some of the scripture references in Boundaries might be a stretch at times it’s based and it’s written on biblical principles. Another one I’d suggest is called Bold Love-Dr.Dan Allender -it’s some insight on how to biblically love those who are most difficult to love.
Click to expand...
Thank you I will look in to your advise.
 
Q

qzxcvbn

New member
#9
Jun 1, 2023
11
7
3
#9
Sojourner414 said:
here's a big difference between forgiveness and reconciliation; that said, your daughter is pretty much just using you and your family to keep herself afloat while she does as she pleases. Because she keeps on lying and putting your family through this, she is showing no signs of even trying to struggle with her sin.

I feel the one you need to talk to first before anyone else is your wife; she is enabling your daughter and allowing her to continue using your family. She needs to understand the difference I told you about, as well as understand that once you folks are departed, there will be no one to pick your daughter back up. There are many reasons parents enable their kids, and these emotions may be going through her heart on this:

Doubt: she doesn't feel her daughter can take care of herself

Guilt: she's supposed to protect her

Fear: her daughter will become homeless, go hungry, or suffer in other ways

Pride: she believes she owes her children everything, so she sacrifices endlessly

Shame: what would people think if they saw her daughter poor while she was doing well?

Discomfort: better to just "go along with it" than risk a confrontation

Control: as long as she gives her daughter money, she has say in her life

Responsibility: she may feel that she never taught her daughter how to be self-sufficient and feels responsible for her

I think if you can get your wife to talk about the "why" and what she's feeling, that will go a long way to resolving this.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your reply. There is a lot to think about.
 
G

Gideon300

Well-known member
#11
Mar 18, 2021
5,441
3,222
113
#11
qzxcvbn said:
Good morning to all,
I need some advice on how to move forward with my daughter. She's been caught lying again and I don't know what to do.
She has been on "holiday" for most of May but in fact she quit her job. My wife and I have asked her a few times did she still have a job and she said yes. I sent a Whatsapp message on our family group two days ago asking what shift she would be working so I could try to drop her off if it wasn't too late. She replied she would catch the bus and started in June.

I had a feeling she had left her job, but all was confirmed Monday evening. My wife confirmed she no longer had a job etc.
She's put my son and his girlfriend in an impossible situation for the past month and my wife the past couple of days since she found out. This isn't the first time she has done this. Lying does come too easy to her, I did think she had grown up a bit and sorted herself out, but I am wrong.

Her brother, his girlfriend and my wife have moved on, but I can't. She's not sorry and she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. I've told my wife I can't forgive her and can't move forward, and I know this is going to cause issues with her and my wife. But she has taken away my trust and it doesnt look like she realises what she's done. I want to make it clear her leaving her job isnt the issue but it's the lies and the situation she put us all in I can't get past. My wife wants to make amends and I can't do it.

I've had a look in the Bible about lying and I didn't know it's treated more serious than I thought.
If anyone can give me advice on how to move forward, Now I can't see a happy conclusion.
Click to expand...
There is forgiveness and forgiveness. You can forgive the offence and yet not allow the offender the same rights as previously. For example, you find out that your son has been driving your car at way over the speed limit. You can and should forgive him. That does not mean that you let him drive your car again. If he shows genuine remorse and commits to obeying the road rules, ok. Otherwise, no way.

You have no choice but to forgive. You do have a choice as to whether or not there are consequences for her actions. God forgives us, but the principle of sowing and reaping applies. I know how impossible it is to forgive at times. This article will show you the way of forgiveness as God forgives:

https://www.christianlife.org.au/can-you-forgive-from-your-heart
 
L

Locoponydirtman

Guest
#12
#12
qzxcvbn said:
My daughter being married has nothing to do with what I've written. But thank you for your response.
Click to expand...
When you concider the whole person and their motivations along side of what is generally the thing that fulfills a person then you see that it may just be that they are trying to live an unsatisfying way.
it could be that She was dishonest because you expect her to have a job, and rather than deal with you on losing yet another job, she lied until she found another.
As for the reason i asked why she isnt married and starting a family, is because that is quite usually a very fulfilling thing for a young woman to do. While a job can be a misery.
Unless there are extenuating circumstances.
When ever someone come here for advice and lays some heavy thing on someone else. One can only legitimately tell someone to deal with their own self. Have ya asked your daughter what she wants and talked to her about how to get there?
 
Beckie

Beckie

Well-known member
#13
Feb 15, 2022
2,516
939
113
#13
qzxcvbn said:
Good morning to all,
I need some advice on how to move forward with my daughter. She's been caught lying again and I don't know what to do.
She has been on "holiday" for most of May but in fact she quit her job. My wife and I have asked her a few times did she still have a job and she said yes. I sent a Whatsapp message on our family group two days ago asking what shift she would be working so I could try to drop her off if it wasn't too late. She replied she would catch the bus and started in June.

I had a feeling she had left her job, but all was confirmed Monday evening. My wife confirmed she no longer had a job etc.
She's put my son and his girlfriend in an impossible situation for the past month and my wife the past couple of days since she found out. This isn't the first time she has done this. Lying does come too easy to her, I did think she had grown up a bit and sorted herself out, but I am wrong.

Her brother, his girlfriend and my wife have moved on, but I can't. She's not sorry and she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. I've told my wife I can't forgive her and can't move forward, and I know this is going to cause issues with her and my wife. But she has taken away my trust and it doesnt look like she realises what she's done. I want to make it clear her leaving her job isnt the issue but it's the lies and the situation she put us all in I can't get past. My wife wants to make amends and I can't do it.

I've had a look in the Bible about lying and I didn't know it's treated more serious than I thought.
If anyone can give me advice on how to move forward, Now I can't see a happy conclusion.
Click to expand...
qzxcvbn said:
My daughter is 26 and she does live with use, so does her brother. We are not supporting her financially at the moment But when she quit her job last time we did support her for nine months.
She as said she's got a job which is ment to make it alright.
Click to expand...
Does your son's girlfriend live with you?
 
Q

qzxcvbn

New member
#14
Jun 1, 2023
11
7
3
#14
Gideon300 said:
There is forgiveness and forgiveness. You can forgive the offence and yet not allow the offender the same rights as previously. For example, you find out that your son has been driving your car at way over the speed limit. You can and should forgive him. That does not mean that you let him drive your car again. If he shows genuine remorse and commits to obeying the road rules, ok. Otherwise, no way.

You have no choice but to forgive. You do have a choice as to whether or not there are consequences for her actions. God forgives us, but the principle of sowing and reaping applies. I know how impossible it is to forgive at times. This article will show you the way of forgiveness as God forgives:

https://www.christianlife.org.au/can-you-forgive-from-your-heart
Click to expand...
Thank you for taking the time to give your advice.
 
ThyKingdomComeSoon

ThyKingdomComeSoon

Well-known member
#15
Apr 1, 2023
974
596
93
#15
qzxcvbn said:
Good morning to all,
I need some advice on how to move forward with my daughter. She's been caught lying again and I don't know what to do.
She has been on "holiday" for most of May but in fact she quit her job. My wife and I have asked her a few times did she still have a job and she said yes. I sent a Whatsapp message on our family group two days ago asking what shift she would be working so I could try to drop her off if it wasn't too late. She replied she would catch the bus and started in June.

I had a feeling she had left her job, but all was confirmed Monday evening. My wife confirmed she no longer had a job etc.
She's put my son and his girlfriend in an impossible situation for the past month and my wife the past couple of days since she found out. This isn't the first time she has done this. Lying does come too easy to her, I did think she had grown up a bit and sorted herself out, but I am wrong.

Her brother, his girlfriend and my wife have moved on, but I can't. She's not sorry and she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. I've told my wife I can't forgive her and can't move forward, and I know this is going to cause issues with her and my wife. But she has taken away my trust and it doesnt look like she realises what she's done. I want to make it clear her leaving her job isnt the issue but it's the lies and the situation she put us all in I can't get past. My wife wants to make amends and I can't do it.

I've had a look in the Bible about lying and I didn't know it's treated more serious than I thought.
If anyone can give me advice on how to move forward, Now I can't see a happy conclusion.
Click to expand...

Love and forgiveness is the key and the right thing to do , I time her behaviour may pass. tell her how much you love her, explain you are disappointed and expected more of her, ask her if there was a reason she feels she has to lie? Please invite her to a restaurant or somewhere she likes to go and discuss ( gently and lovingly ) this with her? one on one? I do not know the details of your relationship but certainly love and forgiveness is the key,

Blessings!
 
Q

qzxcvbn

New member
#16
Jun 1, 2023
11
7
3
#16
ThyKingdomComeSoon said:
Love and forgiveness is the key and the right thing to do , I time her behaviour may pass. tell her how much you love her, explain you are disappointed and expected more of her, ask her if there was a reason she feels she has to lie? Please invite her to a restaurant or somewhere she likes to go and discuss ( gently and lovingly ) this with her? one on one? I do not know the details of your relationship but certainly love and forgiveness is the key,

Blessings!
Click to expand...
Good Morning, Thank you for taking the time to respond but I don't agree. If this were the first time, she lied then I would have forgiven her but it's not.
 
Q

qzxcvbn

New member
#17
Jun 1, 2023
11
7
3
#17
I have an update to share - I've found out the job she's got herself is only temporary. Also, she hasn't shown any sign of remorse and hasn't apologized to any one for lying. My son's girlfriend has just taken her to where she is going to work. I don't understand why everyone is being so nice to her. I did say we were not supporting her, I found out last night from my wife she can't pay rent this month. We aren't the riches people in the world, but we can't afford it. (My wife started a new job and only got paid for three weeks) So we are short this month already.

It's just confirming to my daughter that she can do it again because everyone around her ignores what she has done and continues to support her.

My wife has said forgive her, God forgives and so should I. But I just can't do it this time. For me, it's one lie to many.
 
Rosemaryx

Rosemaryx

Senior Member
#18
May 3, 2017
3,758
4,120
113
63
#18
Matthew 18:21-22

21 Then Peter came up and said to Him, “Lord, how many times shall my brother sin against me and I still forgive him? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus *said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to [a]seventy-seven times.

Forgiving does not mean you carry on allowing for her behaviour to remain the same , for if Jesus did not forgive us every time we messed up , who could be saved ?

You need to set real boundaries and stick with them...Unforgiveness in your heart will turn to resentment , to bitterness , and that is not how God wants you to walk...

When you mess up again in your life , will you not expect to be forgiven and be cleansed from our Lord ? , for if you hold unforgiveness in your heart , you to will not be forgiven your transgression...Sent in love...

Matthew 6:14-15
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
 
Q

qzxcvbn

New member
#19
Jun 1, 2023
11
7
3
#19
qzxcvbn said:
Thank you for taking the time to give your advice.
Click to expand...
I've just finished reading the link you put in your post and I'm not ready to forgive
Rosemaryx said:
Matthew 18:21-22

21 Then Peter came up and said to Him, “Lord, how many times shall my brother sin against me and I still forgive him? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus *said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to [a]seventy-seven times.

Forgiving does not mean you carry on allowing for her behaviour to remain the same , for if Jesus did not forgive us every time we messed up , who could be saved ?

You need to set real boundaries and stick with them...Unforgiveness in your heart will turn to resentment , to bitterness , and that is not how God wants you to walk...

When you mess up again in your life , will you not expect to be forgiven and be cleansed from our Lord ? , for if you hold unforgiveness in your heart , you to will not be forgiven your transgression...Sent in love...
Click to expand...
Thank you for your perfect response. "tears"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.