I used to love God with my whole heart. I saw and experienced the power of the Holy Spirit very strongly in the church. When I was 14, I first heard about blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. I never gave it much thought until later kept on thinking about it. I looked up the verses and it spoke about what the pharisees said about Jesus Christ. I kept having these thoughts in my head and I didn't want to really do it. It sucks badly. One day, I was having these thoughts and I had some doubts and I actually believed one of these blasphemous thoughts about what the pharisees said about Jesus's miracles when they accused him of demonic power and I tried to rebuke it from my heart but it was too late. I tried to come to Christ and repent several times but nothing happened. No heart conversion or conviction of my wrongdoings. I hate myself. I just wished that I never heard about the unpardonable sin. It seems too late and I don't know what to do next.
How is this blaspheming? If a bad thought pops in your head and you don't even say it, how is that blaspheming? Translators translate this word translated 'blaspheme' (βλασφημία) as 'evil speaking' or 'slander' also.
Look at these verses in Matthew 12. Notice how Jesus says it two different ways.
31 Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men.
32 And whosoever speaketh a word against the Son of man, it shall be forgiven him: but whosoever speaketh against the Holy Ghost, it shall not be forgiven him, neither in this world, neither in the world to come.
Maybe you went to a church that emphasized ___feeling__ a certain way about sin in order to get saved. Maybe you heard the idea that when you get saved, you have all this sorrow or a sense of release. Well, believing in Jesus isn't a matter of feeling. Peace and joy are fruits of the Spirit, and we can experience them after we come to faith.
What I would encourage you to do is repent.... metanoia in Greek literally has to do with a change of mind. Resolve that you will not serve sin any more. Then put your trust in Jesus Christ-- believe that He is the Son of God, the Messiah (the Christ) and that He died for our sins and that He rose again from the dead. Trust Him to forgive your sins. Then be baptized in water, believing that Christ's blood washes away your sin. Then just trust God that He did His part. Salvation is not dependent on how emotional you are during this process. Trust God and believe Him to take care of your sin.
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