Relationships and Your Parents…

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G

Gojira

Guest
#41
I really don’t know what to put in the title so I just put in keywords 🤣 anywho!

So real life story for me.

A couple of months ago, I met a guy online and we spoke and texted for awhile before we made the decision to meet up. We hit it off great, great talks and conversations and the chemistry was definitely a hit. He was a great listener, motivator and very handsome. However, he wouldn’t be the typical man I could bring home to introduce to my parents because he wasn’t a believer. He was this blonde haired blue eyed caucasian fella who wouldn’t know anything about my faith and culture.

When I mentioned him to my mum, she immediately was like “nope nope nope, he won’t understand our way life, church and culture”. My mum are those typical types where, if you’re not brown your’e not down, - in no way am I insinuating that she’s racist, if anything she’s a fair half caste with strong Scottish bloodline, lol, it’s just cause she wants the best for me and would rather have me marry an Islander who knows and understands our culture and wouldn’t need to be trained in that area. I love my parents dearly and would want their blessings over anything to whoever God has intended for me, BUT lol….

I have challenged her thinking and rebuttal her stance and have said “mum, it’s not about him understanding or knowing our culture and beliefs etc, it’s about him caring and treating me lovingly and respectfully (which he did). Wouldn’t you want someone to love me for me and not my culture?” In terms of faith, he was more than happy to come to church with me and was open about learning Christianity. But my mums pretty headstrong about her views.

Then it makes me think, should I even challenge her when it comes to these sorts of things? Am I right to oppose her? It had me thinking about the verse from Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” Am I really honouring my parents with what I think I want?

I wonder, has this happened to any of you and how did you cope with it? It doesn’t have to be about culture, it could be about age or even location.

Have you ever had to fight for someone (in a relationship) that your parents didn’t approve of?

Looking forward to your responses 😊🔥
If he's not saved, he's not on the menu. God knows there are women I've come across about which I wish that wasn't true. But, it is.

Remember what happened to the ancient Jews when they intermarried with the pagans. They lost their way. Instead of leading them to Israel's God, the pagans led them to Ashtoreth, Baal, Molech, etc.

No, I know you're not engaged to him. But, you do seem to be considering him as a dating partner. The Bible, in both the OT and the NT, warns us about this.

I won't speak to the intercultural thing since that should be a moot topic here, with the dude not knowing Jesus.
 
G

Gojira

Guest
#42
Those "mentalities" are displayed repeatedly by Christ himself in that he regularly seeks to woo the lost unto himself.
Not missionary dating. That is no where in Scripture -- that I can recall. In fact, He tells us to not be unequally yoked. Or was that Paul? Ugh. I forget.

That being said, of course we must engage the world if we are to make disciples. That is not in dispute. But, witnessing can be seriously damaged by dating, and Mel could be in for a lot of heartache in the process.
 

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
Mar 28, 2018
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#43
Not missionary dating. That is no where in Scripture -- that I can recall. In fact, He tells us to not be unequally yoked. Or was that Paul? Ugh. I forget.

That being said, of course we must engage the world if we are to make disciples. That is not in dispute. But, witnessing can be seriously damaged by dating, and Mel could be in for a lot of heartache in the process.
Did you not see my post about me learning from my mistakes? :/
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
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#45
I think with this topic in a lot of cultures, depnds of its marriarchal or patriarchal, most cultures its the daughter who leaves her family to set up house with the husband not the other way round. She takes his name, often moves into his home he doesnt really have to give up much of anything himself..and then calls the shots of where they live and work and matters of faith etc.

Also I think with a lot of men, they get displaced when children come along. Instead of the wife looking after the husband shes focusing on babies/children and they become her priority. This is where mother-in-laws seem to hold the power in the family because they often think they must have a role in raising the grandchildren ...unless the couple decide to move or live in a totally different country.

I would say in that situation where the in laws need to trek long distances to even see the couple..they probably deliberately did that for a reason. You culture then is going to be what you make of it and the community you want to grow and be a part of. This may not happen for many peoole who have histories and pasts spanning back generations but for a select few whove maybe emigrated for a better life to start all over again.

cos are you really going to go back to your ancestral lands? In NZ most people who are not tangata whenua have come to start a NEW life not hark back to culture and traditons that no longer work for them.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
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#46
I think with this topic in a lot of cultures, depnds of its marriarchal or patriarchal, most cultures its the daughter who leaves her family to set up house with the husband not the other way round. She takes his name, often moves into his home he doesnt really have to give up much of anything himself..and then calls the shots of where they live and work and matters of faith etc.
Only in the really old, black and white sitcoms. :LOL:
 

TheNarrowPath

Well-known member
Jul 17, 2022
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#48
My dad did not approve of him but he graciously accepted him into the family. Should I have listened to my parents? I dont know, I wouldnt have the blessing I wake up to that I have now. Mind you my mum said one time to marry a rich old white man so he can buy me a big house and she can live there too 🤣🤣🤣 I replied well mum I notice you didnt marry the rich old white man either haha!
 
Mar 4, 2020
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#49
Ah, the “flirt to convert” and “missionary dating” mentalities. Please direct me to where I can find those in the scriptures.
Gotta admit it can work sometimes though. My brother was a semi-militant atheist for a long time. He even tried to physically assault me one time for just saying I’m a Christian. He had a hair trigger about Christianity, but that all changed when he started dating a pretty Christian girl.

He started going to church and I couldn’t believe it. What’s more is he said “I agree with them too.” My jaw was on the floor. I asked if he would like to Bible study and pray together sometime and he didn’t say no or blow his top.
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
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#50
Not missionary dating. That is no where in Scripture -- that I can recall. In fact, He tells us to not be unequally yoked. Or was that Paul? Ugh. I forget.

That being said, of course we must engage the world if we are to make disciples. That is not in dispute. But, witnessing can be seriously damaged by dating, and Mel could be in for a lot of heartache in the process.
Personally, I would date an unsaved person IF I had the right mindset (and I believe that I do), BUT that doesn't mean that I would marry one because I wouldn't.

Here are a couple of things for you to hopefully consider...

First of all, Christ was the one dealing with the children of Israel in both Egypt and the wilderness.

In relation to the same, we read:

I Corinthians chapter 10

[1] Moreover, brethren, I would not that ye should be ignorant, how that all our fathers were under the cloud, and all passed through the sea;
[2] And were all baptized unto Moses in the cloud and in the sea;
[3] And did all eat the same spiritual meat;
[4] And did all drink the same spiritual drink: for they drank of that spiritual Rock that followed them: and that Rock was Christ.
[5] But with many of them God was not well pleased: for they were overthrown in the wilderness.
[6] Now these things were our examples, to the intent we should not lust after evil things, as they also lusted.
[7] Neither be ye idolaters, as were some of them; as it is written, The people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play.
[8] Neither let us commit fornication, as some of them committed, and fell in one day three and twenty thousand.
[9] Neither let us tempt Christ, as some of them also tempted, and were destroyed of serpents.

Christ was the Rock that followed the children of Israel, and they tempted Christ in their wilderness journeys.

Furthermore, Christ is the Bridegroom throughout scripture, and he is the one who entered into a covenant with the children of Israel at Mt. Sinai that he likened to a marriage covenant.

In relation to the same, we read:

Jeremiah chapter 31

[31] Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel, and with the house of Judah:
[32] Not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in the day that I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt; which my covenant they brake, although I was an husband unto them, saith the LORD:
[33] But this shall be the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel; After those days, saith the LORD, I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people.
[34] And they shall teach no more every man his neighbour, and every man his brother, saying, Know the LORD: for they shall all know me, from the least of them unto the greatest of them, saith the LORD; for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.

Prior to entering into this marital covenant, spiritually speaking, with the children of Israel, was Christ "courting", spiritually speaking, believers or unbelievers?

I'd heavily suggest to you that Christ was "courting" mostly unbelievers.

For example, he thought about wiping out the children of Israel WHILE THEY WERE STILL IN EGYPT or before they ever entered into the marital covenant with him at Mt. Sinai after their exodus.

We read:

Ezekiel chapter 20

[5] And say unto them, Thus saith the Lord GOD; In the day when I chose Israel, and lifted up mine hand unto the seed of the house of Jacob, and made myself known unto them in the land of Egypt, when I lifted up mine hand unto them, saying, I am the LORD your God;
[6] In the day that I lifted up mine hand unto them, to bring them forth of the land of Egypt into a land that I had espied for them, flowing with milk and honey, which is the glory of all lands:
[7] Then said I unto them, Cast ye away every man the abominations of his eyes, and defile not yourselves with the idols of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.
[8] But they rebelled against me, and would not hearken unto me: they did not every man cast away the abominations of their eyes, neither did they forsake the idols of Egypt: then I said, I will pour out my fury upon them to accomplish my anger against them in the midst of the land of Egypt.
[9] But I wrought for my name's sake, that it should not be polluted before the heathen, among whom they were, in whose sight I made myself known unto them, in bringing them forth out of the land of Egypt.

In Christ's case, he still went forward with the marriage, but I wouldn't suggest the same for any of us today because that marriage was certainly full of trouble and strife. That said, my point is that Christ himself seemingly sought to woo unbelievers unto himself, even to the point of marriage, and that seems like a sort of "missionary dating" to me. You're free to disagree, of course.

There's also this to consider:

I Corinthians chapter 7

[12] But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
[13] And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
[14] For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
[15] But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.
[16] For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?
[17] But as God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk. And so ordain I in all churches.

Apparently, there were Christians at Corinth (and elsewhere?) who had unbelieving spouses, and Paul said that the same were sanctified to some degree by being married to believers.

My point?

Well, unlike the comments of one contributor on this thread who talks condescendingly of these wicked unbelievers, Paul didn't speak of them in that manner. In other words, I don't know about you, but I've personally met MANY unbelievers who were totally turned off by professing "Christians" and their self-righteous and condescending attitudes, and not by Christ himself.

Is it possible that an unbeliever might be won to Christ by actually being shown love from a Christian?

Personally, I believe that it is possible, and, again, I'm not adverse to dating an unbeliever and showing her that type of love that she might be saved. Of course, if she rejects such love or shows contempt for Christ, then I'm not going to even consider marrying her, but I don't look upon unbelievers with the same disdain as some other professing "Christians" apparently do.

Anyhow, I'll stop here.
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
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#51
Gotta admit it can work sometimes though. My brother was a semi-militant atheist for a long time. He even tried to physically assault me one time for just saying I’m a Christian. He had a hair trigger about Christianity, but that all changed when he started dating a pretty Christian girl.

He started going to church and I couldn’t believe it. What’s more is he said “I agree with them too.” My jaw was on the floor. I asked if he would like to Bible study and pray together sometime and he didn’t say no or blow his top.
the power of a 'pretty christian girl'

The thing with girls are. there is an age when they become women...so even now it irks me when grown men are expected to hook up with underage girls

and I supoose the opposite is when grown women have 'toy boys'. Is that being equally yoked...I dont really think so. Maturity I think matters you do need to be on the same level I think othwerwise its an uneven power play. Do people LIKE being bossed around? I dunno. I never liked it, but then it was my big sister who did that.

My younger brothers cant tell me what to do either so...how do you think this plays out in a marriage? Do you want to be 'the nag'?!
 
Mar 4, 2020
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#52
the power of a 'pretty christian girl'

The thing with girls are. there is an age when they become women...so even now it irks me when grown men are expected to hook up with underage girls

and I supoose the opposite is when grown women have 'toy boys'. Is that being equally yoked...I dont really think so. Maturity I think matters you do need to be on the same level I think othwerwise its an uneven power play. Do people LIKE being bossed around? I dunno. I never liked it, but then it was my big sister who did that.

My younger brothers cant tell me what to do either so...how do you think this plays out in a marriage? Do you want to be 'the nag'?!
Yep. Based on her good looks and charisma she was able to charm him into going to church. Once he got to church he said he liked the community aspect of it and agreed with what they were saying.

Through dating she was able to make more progress than I ever could have hoped for even though I’m family.

Another story is that when I was in school I was good friends with a girl who was a Christian. I wasn’t a Christian and I asked her if she would be my girlfriend and she said yes if I would go to church with her. I agreed. Within a year or so I was carrying a Bible around at school and evangelizing.

To be clear, I don’t think girls are intentionally using dating as a means of premeditated proselytization, but are rather just wanting the person they’re dating to be a Christian. I think that’s normal and if their boyfriend loves them a lot it might work.
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
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#53
Some people think all Christians are supercilious, condemning little turds, so it comes as a shock when they meet a nice one. :giggle:

That's why "flirt to convert" (sometimes) works so well.
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
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#54
Some people think all Christians are supercilious, condemning little turds, so it comes as a shock when they meet a nice one. :giggle:

That's why "flirt to convert" (sometimes) works so well.
Well, I had to look up the word "supercilious" before agreeing with your post, but I do agree.

This reminds me of the words of Gandhi, who said:

quote-i-like-your-christ-i-do-not-like-your-christians-your-christians-are-so-unlike-your-maha...jpg
 

Live4Him3

Jesus is Lord
May 19, 2022
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#55
Romans chapter 5

[6] For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
[7] For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.
[8] But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Christ died for the ungodly, and God commended his love towards us while we were yet sinners.

If God and Christ had the same contempt for ungodly sinners that many professing "Christians" do, including several who have passed through this very website, then we'd all be hopelessly lost.

Some people really need to get off of their high horses before God himself knocks them off of the same.

Just sayin'.

"We love him, because he first loved us." (I John 4:19)
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
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#56
Gandhi must have lived beside a certain church demonination I will not name, that is well known for actively seeking an excuse to argue about stuff.
 

Mel85

Daughter of the True King
Mar 28, 2018
10,910
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#57
Romans chapter 5

[6] For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
[7] For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.
[8] But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Christ died for the ungodly, and God commended his love towards us while we were yet sinners.

If God and Christ had the same contempt for ungodly sinners that many professing "Christians" do, including several who have passed through this very website, then we'd all be hopelessly lost.

Some people really need to get off of their high horses before God himself knocks them off of the same.

Just sayin'.

"We love him, because he first loved us." (I John 4:19)
That scripture 1 John 4:19 - one of my favourites. It resonates with me because when I was lost in the world, I was looking for love in the wrong places - but when I gave my life, God showed me His unconditional agape love - so pure and innocent. Thanks for reminding me of such.
 
Mar 4, 2020
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#58
Gandhi must have lived beside a certain church demonination I will not name, that is well known for actively seeking an excuse to argue about stuff.
As the story would have it, Ghandi was actually intrigued by Jesus and wanted to know more. He decided to go to church one day, but was stopped at the door by the ushers. They told him he can’t come in because that church was only for high caste Indians and whites.

As a result of that church’s sin, Ghandi turned his back on Christianity and never looked back. He also said “If it weren’t for the Christians I’d be a Christian.”
 

Lanolin

Well-known member
Dec 15, 2018
23,460
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#59
Yep. Based on her good looks and charisma she was able to charm him into going to church. Once he got to church he said he liked the community aspect of it and agreed with what they were saying.

Through dating she was able to make more progress than I ever could have hoped for even though I’m family.

Another story is that when I was in school I was good friends with a girl who was a Christian. I wasn’t a Christian and I asked her if she would be my girlfriend and she said yes if I would go to church with her. I agreed. Within a year or so I was carrying a Bible around at school and evangelizing.

To be clear, I don’t think girls are intentionally using dating as a means of premeditated proselytization, but are rather just wanting the person they’re dating to be a Christian. I think that’s normal and if their boyfriend loves them a lot it might work.
well a lot of people actually get married IN a church so it would be silly to be unfamiliar with it if thats where you might end up together.

Although have been to weddings where one or both are unbelievers and they still married in a church.
and also weddings where both are believers but they didnt have it at church.

The ministers usually talk about God at the ceremony anyway and have prayers so whoever is unbelieving would just have to pretend they know what they are talking about. lol
 

Lynx

Folksy yet erudite
Aug 13, 2014
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#60
As the story would have it, Ghandi was actually intrigued by Jesus and wanted to know more. He decided to go to church one day, but was stopped at the door by the ushers. They told him he can’t come in because that church was only for high caste Indians and whites.

As a result of that church’s sin, Ghandi turned his back on Christianity and never looked back. He also said “If it weren’t for the Christians I’d be a Christian.”
What is this world coming to
When they can't see Jesus in you
All they see is a light
That's being snuffed out by the dark
When they know that you won't be
There for them when they have need
They won't come to Jesus
If he acts anything like you
What is this world coming to

- Rick James