Why Does Society Seem to Think That Cougars... Should Be Shot? (Older Woman and Younger Men.)
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I politely disagree.
I don't know what your story is or if you were ever part of the single community for very long, but the topics I write about are the ones I've experienced within my life of growing up among the Christian culture and then being single for about 20 years.
Even in Christian circles, it was always somehow acceptable for the men to seek, pursue, and wind up with women 10, 20, 30 years younger than themselves. Doubly so if they were divorced or "had a clean slate" with which to now start over. I was one of only a handful of Asians growing up in a small-town area, and from the time I was in junior high, older men were always trying to talk to me into being their girlfriend.
Many years later, I spent some time on Christian dating sites, and the older men were always trying to talk to the much-younger women there as well. The "older" women (40-60+) would sit and talk among themselves, because none of the men are interested in talking to them when there were 20 and 30-year-olds available.
What happens when the tables turn and older women start dating younger men? Why are men so resentful of women who date younger men when that's what they want themselves? Why the double standard, especially within the church, and is it somehow right?
The funny thing I found as I got older is that that tables turned, and suddenly 20-something guys were asking me out. One guy in the young adult group at church asked me out and I was astonished to learn -- that I was driving and in high school when he was born. But he said he was usually attracted to older women for their maturity, willingness to speak their mind (no playing games,) and independence (he never had to worry about paying for me, and if he did, I made up for it the next time.)
I have a good friend in full-time ministry who does a lot of work with college-age students in Christian groups, and some of the college guys develop crushes on her and ask her out.
Times are changing, and I feel these types of things are important to talk about because I never hear them discussed in church circles, but they are happening.
I can understand why you might find this topic controversial, especially if you are not part of the modern Christian singles community -- but these are the subjects I'm most drawn to write about, and they're a lightning rod every single time -- the things no one else brings up. I know some people have expressed their wishes for me to stop or go away because of what I write -- and I always tell anyone who feels that way to go ahead and report anything you feel I do that's inappropriate to the mods and put me on Ignore.
I've been here 13 years and have probably written around 1,000 threads, which I present only as background information and not as some kind of measuring stick.
The mods and administration are very familiar with my writing style, so feel free to go to them if you have any concerns.
I've always said that I would always go with whatever the authorities on this site decided should be done, which includes a banning if they should so decide.
Lol, right out of the gate, one of my early threads got a warning. But the mods were kind and patient with me and worked with me. I will be forever grateful for that, so I contribute what I can to this site, including starting discussions people seem to find interesting and more importantly, relatable to many of the singles here.
I don't know what your story is or if you were ever part of the single community for very long, but the topics I write about are the ones I've experienced within my life of growing up among the Christian culture and then being single for about 20 years.
Even in Christian circles, it was always somehow acceptable for the men to seek, pursue, and wind up with women 10, 20, 30 years younger than themselves. Doubly so if they were divorced or "had a clean slate" with which to now start over. I was one of only a handful of Asians growing up in a small-town area, and from the time I was in junior high, older men were always trying to talk to me into being their girlfriend.
Many years later, I spent some time on Christian dating sites, and the older men were always trying to talk to the much-younger women there as well. The "older" women (40-60+) would sit and talk among themselves, because none of the men are interested in talking to them when there were 20 and 30-year-olds available.
What happens when the tables turn and older women start dating younger men? Why are men so resentful of women who date younger men when that's what they want themselves? Why the double standard, especially within the church, and is it somehow right?
The funny thing I found as I got older is that that tables turned, and suddenly 20-something guys were asking me out. One guy in the young adult group at church asked me out and I was astonished to learn -- that I was driving and in high school when he was born. But he said he was usually attracted to older women for their maturity, willingness to speak their mind (no playing games,) and independence (he never had to worry about paying for me, and if he did, I made up for it the next time.)
I have a good friend in full-time ministry who does a lot of work with college-age students in Christian groups, and some of the college guys develop crushes on her and ask her out.
Times are changing, and I feel these types of things are important to talk about because I never hear them discussed in church circles, but they are happening.
I can understand why you might find this topic controversial, especially if you are not part of the modern Christian singles community -- but these are the subjects I'm most drawn to write about, and they're a lightning rod every single time -- the things no one else brings up. I know some people have expressed their wishes for me to stop or go away because of what I write -- and I always tell anyone who feels that way to go ahead and report anything you feel I do that's inappropriate to the mods and put me on Ignore.
I've been here 13 years and have probably written around 1,000 threads, which I present only as background information and not as some kind of measuring stick.
The mods and administration are very familiar with my writing style, so feel free to go to them if you have any concerns.
I've always said that I would always go with whatever the authorities on this site decided should be done, which includes a banning if they should so decide.
Lol, right out of the gate, one of my early threads got a warning. But the mods were kind and patient with me and worked with me. I will be forever grateful for that, so I contribute what I can to this site, including starting discussions people seem to find interesting and more importantly, relatable to many of the singles here.
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As I said, I grew up as one of only a handful of Asians (all adopted) in an all-white area during a time when the infamous scene from "Full Metal Jacket" was what all the men thought Asian women were like. (I've never actually seen the movie, but have heard the ridiculous infamous quote by an Asian prostitute recited so much that it ruined any interest I might have in the film itself.)
My Mom and I would go to separate areas of the grocery store, and she would have to come rescue me from older guys who were trying to pick me up (I was about 14 at the time.)
When I was 16 and working at McDonald's, a man in his 40's tried to start talking to me by starting with, "Is your name Mei Ling?"
When I was in my 20's and again at work (different place,) a man who was probably close to 70 walked up to the service desk and said, "If you'd just come with me, I could buy you clothes, jewels, cars -- anything you wanted."
I looked straight at him and said, "Sir, as you can see, I have a JOB. Anything I need or would want, I can work for it myself." I'm pretty sure he wasn't expecting that answer, lol.
And when I hit "a certain age range" -- the middle-aged guys now thought I was too old, lol, because they wanted women 20 - 32. Oddly enough though, that's about the time when younger guys were asking me out.
And by that time, I was so sick of being treated like an object of cultural interest to be bought that I told God, "Lord, someday, if it's Your will... I wouldn't mind marrying someone younger just to flip these ridiculous stereoytypes and double standards on their head."
But it's also made me VERY, VERY grateful for the GOOD guys of ALL ages I have been blessed enough to meet and be friends with over the years, because otherwise I would have no hope. And truth be told, I find myself being MUCH more attracted to life experience, emotional and spiritual maturity, kindness and humility rather than age.
At my last church, I even had a small crush on a guy who was probably in his 70's, just because he had such a Godly heart and was so kind to everyone.
Ultimately, it's up to God whether I even marry, let alone who or how old they are, but now I'm glad for my experiences because I think it's helped me value true character even more, and at any age.
My Mom and I would go to separate areas of the grocery store, and she would have to come rescue me from older guys who were trying to pick me up (I was about 14 at the time.)
When I was 16 and working at McDonald's, a man in his 40's tried to start talking to me by starting with, "Is your name Mei Ling?"
When I was in my 20's and again at work (different place,) a man who was probably close to 70 walked up to the service desk and said, "If you'd just come with me, I could buy you clothes, jewels, cars -- anything you wanted."
I looked straight at him and said, "Sir, as you can see, I have a JOB. Anything I need or would want, I can work for it myself." I'm pretty sure he wasn't expecting that answer, lol.
And when I hit "a certain age range" -- the middle-aged guys now thought I was too old, lol, because they wanted women 20 - 32. Oddly enough though, that's about the time when younger guys were asking me out.
And by that time, I was so sick of being treated like an object of cultural interest to be bought that I told God, "Lord, someday, if it's Your will... I wouldn't mind marrying someone younger just to flip these ridiculous stereoytypes and double standards on their head."
But it's also made me VERY, VERY grateful for the GOOD guys of ALL ages I have been blessed enough to meet and be friends with over the years, because otherwise I would have no hope. And truth be told, I find myself being MUCH more attracted to life experience, emotional and spiritual maturity, kindness and humility rather than age.
At my last church, I even had a small crush on a guy who was probably in his 70's, just because he had such a Godly heart and was so kind to everyone.
Ultimately, it's up to God whether I even marry, let alone who or how old they are, but now I'm glad for my experiences because I think it's helped me value true character even more, and at any age.
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Gojira,
I wanted to say that I sincerely appreciate this post.
It's honest to the point of being raw, yet filled with humility and courage, and those are exactly the kinds of things I'm hoping for in these discussions.
I guess we all get to a point in life where it really kicks in that we don't live forever, things go downhill, and we might look for someone younger because we want to go back to feeling how we used to feel, delay the inevitable as long as we can, and, let's be honest -- make sure there is someone capable to take care of us.
I think the motivations behind why people look for younger spouses are very similar, if not the same.
As for what God thinks about such situations, I'm not sure.
Pretty much from the beginning of time, it's always been accepted that men can marry women half their age.
So what happens when women start doing so? Does God approve?
In one instance, I had a younger guy ask me to consider marrying him (as you can see, I'm still single -- poor fellow obviously dodged a bullet!) and it led to an interesting discussion of how he would maintain his God-given position as the leader of the household despite the age difference.
I think the crucial thing was that we both had a good idea of what areas one was strong in and the other knew nothing about, and that an arrangement could be made in which both people's strengths and weaknesses would hopefully balance out, all while respecting him as the leader.
It didn't work out, but I was very thankful for the opportunity to earnestly and seriously talk these things out.
Hang in there, Goji!
We're all in this rat race together.
I wanted to say that I sincerely appreciate this post.
It's honest to the point of being raw, yet filled with humility and courage, and those are exactly the kinds of things I'm hoping for in these discussions.
I guess we all get to a point in life where it really kicks in that we don't live forever, things go downhill, and we might look for someone younger because we want to go back to feeling how we used to feel, delay the inevitable as long as we can, and, let's be honest -- make sure there is someone capable to take care of us.
I think the motivations behind why people look for younger spouses are very similar, if not the same.
As for what God thinks about such situations, I'm not sure.
Pretty much from the beginning of time, it's always been accepted that men can marry women half their age.
So what happens when women start doing so? Does God approve?
In one instance, I had a younger guy ask me to consider marrying him (as you can see, I'm still single -- poor fellow obviously dodged a bullet!) and it led to an interesting discussion of how he would maintain his God-given position as the leader of the household despite the age difference.
I think the crucial thing was that we both had a good idea of what areas one was strong in and the other knew nothing about, and that an arrangement could be made in which both people's strengths and weaknesses would hopefully balance out, all while respecting him as the leader.
It didn't work out, but I was very thankful for the opportunity to earnestly and seriously talk these things out.
Hang in there, Goji!
We're all in this rat race together.
Don't forget the ones who are so so so very disappointed in you for failing
to live up to their expectations of you that they leave the site broken hearted,
vowing never to return, although, oops, of course they do, sometimes multiple times
to live up to their expectations of you that they leave the site broken hearted,
vowing never to return, although, oops, of course they do, sometimes multiple times
LOL, thank you for that, Lady Magenta!
I have to admit.
My most favorite ones of all over the years are the ones who yell, "I'M PUTTING YOU ON IGNORE!" (I'm crushed, really!)
And then guess who will be FIRST to answer my very next thread -- whether under their previous name or another. It's like they either can't resist reading what I say next, or else they're trying to keep me "under control." Um... Good luck with that.
Maybe that's why I keep putting up threads -- it's just such easy free entertainment for all.
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If I remember correctly, I was actually rather defiant at first, but both the mod who issued the warning and the site owner were very, very gracious.
It probably really IS a wonder I lasted through my first year or two of being here. I do think one thing that made a difference is that chat was very active then, and I used to be there every night, so the mods had a more rounded view of my personality -- instead of just a kicking mule who was throwing up words on the screen!
At the time, I was sad, angry, and yes, I had a bone to pick with being told what to do all my life, trying to follow God the best I knew how -- and everything falling apart. But God brought me through.
I will ALWAYS be thankful that there were people here who showed me mercy and gave me the time to work things through and explore more of what my discussion style really would become, and I hope to extend that to other people when possible.
It probably really IS a wonder I lasted through my first year or two of being here. I do think one thing that made a difference is that chat was very active then, and I used to be there every night, so the mods had a more rounded view of my personality -- instead of just a kicking mule who was throwing up words on the screen!
At the time, I was sad, angry, and yes, I had a bone to pick with being told what to do all my life, trying to follow God the best I knew how -- and everything falling apart. But God brought me through.
I will ALWAYS be thankful that there were people here who showed me mercy and gave me the time to work things through and explore more of what my discussion style really would become, and I hope to extend that to other people when possible.
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G
It's understandable.
I would imagine lizards aren't used to flattery.
(And their normal reaction is probably to burn something down.)
I would imagine lizards aren't used to flattery.
(And their normal reaction is probably to burn something down.)
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