Don't even know how to do this

[2ndTimothyGroup]

I'll see if I can take a crack at this: I and several others have been in this Singles forum for several years and have what I think is a fair but fluid idea of the culture of ChristianChat. And when I say it's fluid I mean the culture evolves with the kind of audience in attendance, but rarely changes its (what I would call) empathetic frivolity when dealing with the life problems of the single or the horrors of abuse of a married life. Humor, to us, I think is a kind of slap in the face of the macabre. A trip wire on the pathway of loneliness. It's wearing a huge cowboy hat to a break up.

One thing that the Singles culture refuses to change though is we don't like to be preached at. We preach to each other with a kind of knowing brotherhood, almost a prison mentality, knowing a sister has my back. Not that anyone knows exactly what the OP is going through (which is immense) but rather what we can relate to and not conflate with her story.

Yes we know what Paul said. We've read the book. But reading the text doesn't bring your story to the table, your testimony, your struggle and what our Lord God did to turn your particular table. You injected yourself in the script but it felt like your heart left the building. Your words aren't disregarded - there's 5 pages of back and forth about it, and it's not considered wrong. It's the way you're saying it.

Your last sentence said you appreciate the level of humor. I'm not sure you do tho. Not yet.

I appreciate and adore EVERYTHING you wrote. Why? Probably because it's the way that you're saying it.

And likewise, the way others were writing to me is, in my opinion, a horrible way of communicating with me. I'm sure you would agree that this is a two-way street.

As for the way that I write, I write as I do because I have lived a most sinful life. No, I'm not perfect, either. I make mistakes. However, I have had a similar experience as did Paul (Saul) as he was traveling the Damascus Road. It changed my entire life and there's no way that I can ever go back to who I once was. I write with incredible empathy, just as does Paul, though many do not recognize his passion for all whom he wrote to. He desperately loved the Galatians and Corinthians, yet he flamed them quite harshly. He wrote:

2 Corinthians 7:2-4, 8-9 NKJV - "Open your hearts to us. We have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have cheated no one. 3 I do not say this to condemn; for I have said before that you are in our hearts, to die together and to live together. 4 Great is my boldness of speech toward you, great is my boasting on your behalf. I am filled with comfort. I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation. ... 8 For even if I made you sorry with my letter, I do not regret it; though I did regret it. For I perceive that the same epistle made you sorry, though only for a while. 9 Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing."

And while I copy and paste the above text, it should be noted that I did not flame anyone as Paul flamed so many in his writings. What he said to Peter in open public (Galatians 2) was really intense. I have not spoken to anyone in the manner of which Paul spoke to those he loved. And, he [did] Love them. In fact, Paul said the things he said [because] of his Love for them, not in spite, but because of Love.

And so, because of my Damascus-Road-like experience, I am a bit different. I WANT to be preached to. I need it! If I am not told the truth, do I not live within a lie? A fairytale? Who wants to live in a fairytale instead of the Truth? Example:

A man is committing adultery with another woman, or another man, and the wife suspects it. She questions him about his behaviors, and perhaps lack of affection. He lies and tells her, "No baby, I love you more than anything. I would never sleep with anyone other than you." - Believe me, my brother did this to my former step-sister . . . and now I've lost her altogether. I loved her apparently more than my brother in a kind and gentle sort of way . . . like a True sister! And now she is gone. My brother lied to her, keeping her in a fairytale of lies, and that hurts! I cannot bear to live within a fairytale, even if that means that what I currently believe is wrong. It is completely unacceptable for me to believe anything, ANYTHING that is not true. I abhor the idea, and I know for a fact that no one wants to live in a fairytale . . . except perhaps the poor bloke in the Matrix who wanted to slip back "in" so that he could enjoy a false world of steak, sex, and alcoholic libation.

So, when I wrote what I wrote, it may not have felt good and it is now clear that this is not the path that the OP intends to tread, but I know that what I wrote is the right path. It is not my path. However, it is the clear path that has been set before us, and there are deep, meaningful reasons for it. Truly, I wish that I could share more, but we are bound to simple letters that make up words . . . and so much becomes lost in the conveyance thereof.

But know this . . . setting aside any forms of sin by anyone, my heart grieves for all who are going through a divorce, and that includes the heart of the OP. I was happy with my sense of empathy as I wrote what I wrote. I was happy with my heartfelt response as I hit "Post Reply." I had no idea that what I wrote would turn into such a nightmare. In all my years of posting on sites such as these, I've never been the focus as I am in this one. I don't know that I am offended as much as I am shocked.

So, do I need to lighten up? I don't think so . . . for I am not bothered by the words in this thread. What bothers me and causes me concern is the fact that I have cancer; losing my hair; tired all the time. I'm getting old and I don't want to leave this earth. I have so much to accomplish. Even if I were to live 180 years, that wouldn't be enough time. For, it seems too late for me to become a pastor. It feels like it's too late for me to do much of anything, really. It seems that about all I can do is sit back, watch myself get older and older; wait for inevitable death to grab hold of me. So, all that matters to me is that I somehow impress into others the desperation of this life, and what is important. And I know this: Life can change for each of us in the course of just one doctor's visit. All things can change . . . we take for granted the Truth of our Holy Bible. We depend upon our youth, not realizing that in just a few days we will all be old. In just a few short days, it may be too late to do the things we have needed to do.

Well, it has been said that I am a prolific writer. I can pump this stuff out in minutes and at ease, so to me, my writings are extremely short, but to others, they are long, boring, and perhaps controlling. So, I will depart.

I wish everyone well. I only want the best for each of us.

Philippians 1:23-30 ESV - "I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. 24 But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again. 27 Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, 28 and not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God. 29 For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake, 30 engaged in the same conflict that you saw I had and now hear that I still have."

 

[Bbookat68]

I haven't been single in many, many years. It's new territory for me and I'm not sure I'm going to like it. But I also can't imagine ever finding the right one. (Obviously the last was NOT the right one. So many wasted years. Sigh.)

How on earth do I do this? I already miss the comforts of married life (though I don't miss the abuse). Always having someone to go do things with. Boy is that now a thing of the past. I also get very anxious at the thought of social situations. I'm just a mess.

So here I am. In a chat room. Thank the Lord for modern technology.

I understand. I lost my hubby in Feb this year after 20 years

 

[TheLearner]

I'm sorry. Could you please copy and paste where I have "yelled," "blasted," and "hurt" the OP? For me to get straightened out, I'll need to see what I have done wrong. Clearly, I am being "yelled" at, "blasted" and folks are attempting to "hurt" me in this thread, so again, if you could show me the depth of my egregious behaviors, I would really appreciate the opportunity to learn and become a better person so that I am more like you, Lynx.

Thanks

stopped at post 81

 

[17Bees]

I appreciate and adore EVERYTHING you wrote. Why? Probably because it's the way that you're saying it.

And likewise, the way others were writing to me is, in my opinion, a horrible way of communicating with me. I'm sure you would agree that this is a two-way street.

As for the way that I write, I write as I do because I have lived a most sinful life. No, I'm not perfect, either. I make mistakes. However, I have had a similar experience as did Paul (Saul) as he was traveling the Damascus Road. It changed my entire life and there's no way that I can ever go back to who I once was. I write with incredible empathy, just as does Paul, though many do not recognize his passion for all whom he wrote to. He desperately loved the Galatians and Corinthians, yet he flamed them quite harshly. He wrote:

2 Corinthians 7:2-4, 8-9 NKJV - "Open your hearts to us. We have wronged no one, we have corrupted no one, we have cheated no one. 3 I do not say this to condemn; for I have said before that you are in our hearts, to die together and to live together. 4 Great is my boldness of speech toward you, great is my boasting on your behalf. I am filled with comfort. I am exceedingly joyful in all our tribulation. ... 8 For even if I made you sorry with my letter, I do not regret it; though I did regret it. For I perceive that the same epistle made you sorry, though only for a while. 9 Now I rejoice, not that you were made sorry, but that your sorrow led to repentance. For you were made sorry in a godly manner, that you might suffer loss from us in nothing."

And while I copy and paste the above text, it should be noted that I did not flame anyone as Paul flamed so many in his writings. What he said to Peter in open public (Galatians 2) was really intense. I have not spoken to anyone in the manner of which Paul spoke to those he loved. And, he [did] Love them. In fact, Paul said the things he said [because] of his Love for them, not in spite, but because of Love.

And so, because of my Damascus-Road-like experience, I am a bit different. I WANT to be preached to. I need it! If I am not told the truth, do I not live within a lie? A fairytale? Who wants to live in a fairytale instead of the Truth? Example:

A man is committing adultery with another woman, or another man, and the wife suspects it. She questions him about his behaviors, and perhaps lack of affection. He lies and tells her, "No baby, I love you more than anything. I would never sleep with anyone other than you." - Believe me, my brother did this to my former step-sister . . . and now I've lost her altogether. I loved her apparently more than my brother in a kind and gentle sort of way . . . like a True sister! And now she is gone. My brother lied to her, keeping her in a fairytale of lies, and that hurts! I cannot bear to live within a fairytale, even if that means that what I currently believe is wrong. It is completely unacceptable for me to believe anything, ANYTHING that is not true. I abhor the idea, and I know for a fact that no one wants to live in a fairytale . . . except perhaps the poor bloke in the Matrix who wanted to slip back "in" so that he could enjoy a false world of steak, sex, and alcoholic libation.

So, when I wrote what I wrote, it may not have felt good and it is now clear that this is not the path that the OP intends to tread, but I know that what I wrote is the right path. It is not my path. However, it is the clear path that has been set before us, and there are deep, meaningful reasons for it. Truly, I wish that I could share more, but we are bound to simple letters that make up words . . . and so much becomes lost in the conveyance thereof.

But know this . . . setting aside any forms of sin by anyone, my heart grieves for all who are going through a divorce, and that includes the heart of the OP. I was happy with my sense of empathy as I wrote what I wrote. I was happy with my heartfelt response as I hit "Post Reply." I had no idea that what I wrote would turn into such a nightmare. In all my years of posting on sites such as these, I've never been the focus as I am in this one. I don't know that I am offended as much as I am shocked.

So, do I need to lighten up? I don't think so . . . for I am not bothered by the words in this thread. What bothers me and causes me concern is the fact that I have cancer; losing my hair; tired all the time. I'm getting old and I don't want to leave this earth. I have so much to accomplish. Even if I were to live 180 years, that wouldn't be enough time. For, it seems too late for me to become a pastor. It feels like it's too late for me to do much of anything, really. It seems that about all I can do is sit back, watch myself get older and older; wait for inevitable death to grab hold of me. So, all that matters to me is that I somehow impress into others the desperation of this life, and what is important. And I know this: Life can change for each of us in the course of just one doctor's visit. All things can change . . . we take for granted the Truth of our Holy Bible. We depend upon our youth, not realizing that in just a few days we will all be old. In just a few short days, it may be too late to do the things we have needed to do.

Well, it has been said that I am a prolific writer. I can pump this stuff out in minutes and at ease, so to me, my writings are extremely short, but to others, they are long, boring, and perhaps controlling. So, I will depart.

I wish everyone well. I only want the best for each of us.

Philippians 1:23-30 ESV - "I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. 24 But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again. 27 Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, 28 and not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God. 29 For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake, 30 engaged in the same conflict that you saw I had and now hear that I still have."

I like the words "desperation of life" you chose to use. Because desperation is a kind of recklessness arising from despair. Some folks see it as a curious kind of noun while others understand it fully as 1 Cor 13: 12 " For now we see though a glass, darkly; but then face to face...." and helps me understand. Regardless of health, I think people feel the winds at the end of the tunnel at some point in their lives and reflect on their undone things. And so I understand what you're saying here in whole and not in part. God bless you. I will pray for your quick healing.

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

I like the words "desperation of life" you chose to use. Because desperation is a kind of recklessness arising from despair. Some folks see it as a curious kind of noun while others understand it fully as 1 Cor 13: 12 " For now we see though a glass, darkly; but then face to face...." and helps me understand. Regardless of health, I think people feel the winds at the end of the tunnel at some point in their lives and reflect on their undone things. And so I understand what you're saying here in whole and not in part. God bless you. I will pray for your quick healing.

Thank you for your kind and gentle spirit. It is incredibly refreshing. I worry for so many who come to these forums and are overwhelmed with aggression. I may not always be perfect in my "speech" but if a person looks at the "reactions" that I have given, not one of them is negative. I have not offered one thumbs down, red x . . . nothing of the sort. Why? Because I care deeply about how others feel, and in my opinion, those reactions are usually used to harm the psychology of another, to affect a persons conscience about themselves. So many are intending to cause emotional harm and damage, thinking that in by doing so, a person will actually change and become "better."

I do not believe that belittling and berating a person makes them better, but only worse. If we believe that someone is truly problematic, we should help them instead of pointing out their flaws, only to turn and walk away. It seems to me that if we Truly care about those who are problematic and troubled, it would benefit our personal space to actually take the time and help them. I've seen this so much throughout my life, especially at the workplace. We fight with each other because we are troubled with difficult co-workers. What I have seen in these fights are belittling, beratings, name-calling . . . such ugly forms of "help." But Truly, since we work with them, and since they bother us so much, why wouldn't we simply take the time to work [with] them. I know that it isn't easy, but we should work [with] our enemies so that they might have a chance to get well. Why not provide those who are struggling with a positive, good, and healthy example of whom we ought be? After all, shouldn't we BE the examples of those whom we want them to BECOME?

There is much to learn in this life, and I feel like there just isn't enough time to get these learnings figured out. My best years are behind me . . . so much time has been wasted as I sought to live for myself. The first half of my life was lived selfishly, but this second half of my life has been dedicated towards others . . . yet in this dedication, things have never been worse. It's funny how the Lord does things so that we are brought to our knees, begging that He would lift struggles, trials, and strains.

Thank you, @17Bees . . . I appreciate your kindness and gentleness. The Lord is certainly watching over you.

 

[Rhomphaeam]

I worry for so many who come to these forums and are overwhelmed with aggression. I may not always be perfect in my "speech" but if a person looks at the "reactions" that I have given, not one of them is negative. I have not offered one thumbs down, red x . . . nothing of the sort. Why? Because I care deeply about how others feel, and in my opinion, those reactions are usually used to harm the psychology of another, to affect a persons conscience about themselves. So many are intending to cause emotional harm and damage, thinking that in by doing so, a person will actually change and become "better."

You would be better served before the Lord by refusing to speak of others in a manner that has them in guilt to establish truth - lest you find that in the day of the Lord you are found severely wanting. How we feel about anything will not be the measure of where truth lies - And neither will truth be established by quoting Scripture to establish a persons guilt when they ask for advise.

As difficult and as real as your end of life circumstances may be - they have no bearing on a woman who is in the midst of life and spoke of her beginning of adult life when she mistakenly married a vile man. No Damascus road conversion comes without also knowing the cost of obedience and no obedience comes with a need to be self concerned. Either set your face as flint or else remove yourself from instructing others by refusing to even acknowledge their need or their circumstance or their true condition. Compassion is not a retort to how we extract understanding from others - it is a heart condition and a gift from the Lord. It is is not a psychological deal.

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

You would be better served before the Lord by refusing to speak of others in a manner that has them in guilt to establish truth

Then I would have to stop reading the Bible, for the Bible exposes guilt.

I'm not going to be able to change your mind about anything, so how about if we just stop . . . are you good with that? Or, will I be wrong in this manner, too?

I mean, at some point I have to be right about something. It is incredible how everything I have written has been considered to be wrong.

 

[Rhomphaeam]

Then I would have to stop reading the Bible, for the Bible exposes guilt.

I'm not going to be able to change your mind about anything, so how about if we just stop . . . are you good with that? Or, will I be wrong in this manner, too?

I mean, at some point I have to be right about something. It is incredible how everything I have written has been considered to be wrong.

You have your portion.

 

[Lanolin]

OP

I think you'll find with a lot of people not just your ex
and esp when dating they may only present their 'good side' and well, its once bitten twice shy for many

so if you are looking for another spouse I cannot guarantee that you'll experience the same thing again since your judgment has been somewhat impaired. Not to say its like being damaged goods or anything but when I think of people whove left abusive relationships and marirages only to find themselves in yet another one, two three or four I do wonder if they had not learned to accept the BLESSINGS of single life.

 

[Lanolin]

In my observations and experiences God does send spouses to people whos first marriages ended because of death because it is lonely and they do need a partner and more often its men who need the help and comfort as women seem to be able to cope better on their own because of strong support networks..sisters do look out for each other.

If you are truly on your own you need to cultivate your friendships but do not expect one person to be the be all and end all rescuer of you...only Jesus has that privelige of breaking our hearts...when He died ...and then mending it when He rose again.

 

[NewBeginnings22]

OP

I think you'll find with a lot of people not just your ex
and esp when dating they may only present their 'good side' and well, its once bitten twice shy for many

so if you are looking for another spouse I cannot guarantee that you'll experience the same thing again since your judgment has been somewhat impaired. Not to say its like being damaged goods or anything but when I think of people whove left abusive relationships and marirages only to find themselves in yet another one, two three or four I do wonder if they had not learned to accept the BLESSINGS of single life.

I won't end up in another abusive relationship. My discernment is lightyears beyond what it was when I met my husband 25 years ago. I'm 46 now. I was 20 then. I know so much more now about what is healthy in a relationship and what isn't.

 

[NewBeginnings22]

I understand. I lost my hubby in Feb this year after 20 years

I'm so sorry! 😞 I hope he was a good husband to you and treated you well. That way, at least you have good memories of him.

 

[Lanolin]

I won't end up in another abusive relationship. My discernment is lightyears beyond what it was when I met my husband 25 years ago. I'm 46 now. I was 20 then. I know so much more now about what is healthy in a relationship and what isn't.

well that is good

Not sure then why you wrote you 'dont even know how to do this' then...?!

Sometimes knowing doesnt compute into action though. And you wrote that post just a few days ago so...Im scratching my head now. You know so much more but at the same time you dont even know how to do this?

um..confused.

 

[Rhomphaeam]

well that is good

Not sure then why you wrote you 'dont even know how to do this' then...?!

Sometimes knowing doesnt compute into action though. And you wrote that post just a few days ago so...Im scratching my head now. You know so much more but at the same time you dont even know how to do this?

um..confused.

Did you ever consider that whilst we can be tossed about on the wind of emotions - and in any given instance express a truth about our own psychological mind which may be our sense of vulnerability seeing as we have been so shaped by another mind that sought to control us or it may be anger that strikes at the mind that sought to control us - and then the Lord speaks to us and tells us who we are and what we should do? Its really not that surprising that one time we seem weak and vulnerable and another strong enough to make our mind up. Picking things apart serves no true purpose.

 

[TheLearner]

caught up, nothing to say at this time

 

[Lanolin]

Did you ever consider that whilst we can be tossed about on the wind of emotions - and in any given instance express a truth about our own psychological mind which may be our sense of vulnerability seeing as we have been so shaped by another mind that sought to control us or it may be anger that strikes at the mind that sought to control us - and then the Lord speaks to us and tells us who we are and what we should do? Its really not that surprising that one time we seem weak and vulnerable and another strong enough to make our mind up. Picking things apart serves no true purpose.

I take it this is meant for OP
Have already given her wisdom on how to ask for it so she must know by now.

The Bible says we must be singleminded not doubleminded if we are to receive anything from God. Otherwise we are going to be tossed around by every wind and doctrine.


So make a plan and stick to it I say. If the Lord gives you discernment, it is a gift, USE it. Dont whine and say you dont know how to do anything when you do.

 

[Rhomphaeam]

I take it this is meant for OP
Have already given her wisdom on how to ask for it so she must know by now.

The Bible says we must be singleminded not doubleminded if we are to receive anything from God. Otherwise we are going to be tossed around by every wind and doctrine.


So make a plan and stick to it I say. If the Lord gives you discernment, it is a gift, USE it. Dont whine and say you dont know how to do anything when you do.

What I posted wasn't meant for the OP author - it was meant for yourself. I can't see how that would not be clear as I posted to your own comment to the OP author. May I ask who is whining so as to be false?

 

[NewBeginnings22]

well that is good

Not sure then why you wrote you 'dont even know how to do this' then...?!

Sometimes knowing doesnt compute into action though. And you wrote that post just a few days ago so...Im scratching my head now. You know so much more but at the same time you dont even know how to do this?

um..confused.

I don't know how to be single. That's not the same thing as what I was answering in the comment you replied to.

 

[NewBeginnings22]

I take it this is meant for OP
Have already given her wisdom on how to ask for it so she must know by now.

The Bible says we must be singleminded not doubleminded if we are to receive anything from God. Otherwise we are going to be tossed around by every wind and doctrine.


So make a plan and stick to it I say. If the Lord gives you discernment, it is a gift, USE it. Dont whine and say you dont know how to do anything when you do.

You're really not the kind of Christian I care to talk to. You have no grace or compassion inside of you. Please find someone else to point your finger at. I'm ignoring you.

 

[Lynx]

You're really not the kind of Christian I care to talk to. You have no grace or compassion inside of you. Please find someone else to point your finger at. I'm ignoring you.

Don't take it personally. Lanolin fires shots into the air with little regard for which ones hit. She's not judging you. She's just talking about what she has observed in life in general. Her comments are generated in reaction to something you said that might possibly fit a comment she wants to make.

Usually it doesn't fit, but she never checks that.

She doesn't mean it bad though, as near as we can tell. It's nothing personal.