Does Romantic Love Cure Depression, Alcoholism/Drugs, Porn/Sex (Put Your Vice Here) Addiction?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

This thread is inspired by another ongoing thread here, but the topic comes up frequently here in Singles.

Many singles think that whatever they're struggling with will get better or even disappear altogether "if only" they found their "one true love," their "soul mate," their absolute dream person from God who is going to be the total game changer -- or so they think.

Now, I am definitely not trying to say that this can't or doesn't happen.

I'm just interested in what others have observed regarding this topic. If you think about the people in your life -- it could be you, a friend, a relative, a parent, a step-parent, a church member, a co-worker -- have any of them believed that a Godly, loving relationship or marriage would make all their issues get better or go away? So what actually happened when they did find love?

Don't limit the list of possible problems to the ones in just the title -- it could be video games, food, loneliness, insecurities, addiction to work -- anything that is interfering with your life, is causing you distress, or is causing you to live a lesser quality of life because of your inability to resist or avoid the issue, whatever it may be. It could be something you once chose on your own, or something you had no power against but yet you have to deal with it now on a regular basis.

Most Christian singles seem to believe that a Christ-centered marriage will conquer everything. But what have you actually experienced and observed in your everyday life? One thing that always perplexes me is how far reality can be from our ideals, and we often find this out much too late. What can we do to prevent this?

*Of the people you can think of who thought a romantic relationship would improve their state -- did things get better, worse, or stay the same?

* Why do you think that is, especially if both people involved were Christians?

Please note that I see this question as having no "right" or "wrong" answers -- the only thing I'm really after is how people's realities have played out vs. the ideals they once held (and acted upon.)

I have included an anonymous, multiple-choice poll because I'm really interested in hearing people's thoughts and observations about this. And if there is enough interest, I may repeat this thread and poll in the Family Forum in order to get answers from our married friends who can speak from experience.

Thank you for sharing your dose of reality with us today!

 

[seoulsearch]

Dang nab it.

I accidentally hit the Post button too early, and the poll isn't allowing for multiple choice.

I also meant to have some other options, such as, "If a person won't change on their own, they won't change once they find their supposed true love either."

I was in a hurry and didn't get to preview or edit as much as I wanted, and the poll only gives you a certain number of answers, so I didn't get to replace the one I wanted to with another statement.

If anyone wants to vote for multiple choices, please feel free to state your answers in your post.

Very sorry again for the confusion -- it looks like I accidentally set the poll to only allow one choice. Bah humbug.

But I hope that won't stop people from sharing.

 

[cinder]

Thoughts, in no particular order:

1. Yay another seoulsearch thread! Seoulsearch writes the best most thought provoking threads.

2. From a book I found helpful as a single college aged adult (which is getting to be quite a few years ago now) talking about the relationship books in a typical Christian bookstore: The marriage books never argue that marriage is a good thing. That is presupposed. They accept the reality that marriages often have problems, so that's what these marriage books are for: dealing with the problems. But the books on singleness usually have a different approach. Instead of dealing with problems that singles might face, these books seem to think singleness is the problem. ... they imply that the solution to the problem of singleness is to get married. Then one can have marriage problems and read all those marriage books. But seems a logical step from singleness is the problem and I have to get married to solve it to singleness is the root of all my problems and if I could just get married they'd all be solved. And I think that might be behind why so many people look to marriage to sort their issues out. Marriage may offer wonderful opportunities to become a more Christ like person, but it's no guarantee that someone will use those opportunities to that outcome.

3. Too many people have the marriage will solve all my problems mentality; but a similar number of too many people have the if I can just love this person enough and do enough for them then I'll rescue them from their problems and they'll behave like the decent person of my dreams. Sure love has the power to change people, but not always for the better and not always will it happen the way we think.

4. Advice for #3 situations: You can't fight alongside someone who isn't fighting for themselves. Love alone won't automatically make a person better. Love + Accountability is a much better strategy (and if there's no accountability and no consequences then there's little motivation for someone to change).

5. No human being can carry the weight of having to be the eternal savior of another human being. Don't take on that role and don't ask another mere mortal to fill it. That's Jesus' place.

6. Don't do for someone else what they are able to do for themselves ( and don't believe everything they tell you they can't do).

Ok that's enough thoughts for one day. Hope everyone enjoys how much simpler singleness can make your life.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

It absolutely cures nothing on its own. I'm sure there will be a few stories that say otherwise, but on the average, no.
Hopefully who you find is someone that's able to help you beat the struggle you're facing, but love does not magically fix people.
If it did wouldn't all Christians stop being addicted to anything? If God is love. But yet Christians are often addicts to a variety of things. Coffee being the first that comes to mind. In fact coffee is a somewhat approved of addiction among Christians. If God's love didn't break you of that why would another persons? But it doesn't work that way.
Habits and addictions require retraining at the least and a lot of deep healing is often required to heal addiction.
Even a basic study on the topic reveals this.

 

[1ofthem]

Finding the love of your life wouldn't be a cure all, but would be a big help and support in decreasing depression, addictions, etc.

God is really the only cure all. But if you find the right Christian mate then it would add to your support system.

I have known of many people who have overcome addictions and other issues by finding the right Christian partner.

 

[Chilidogs]

short answer: no -- only God can change you

Long Answer: I have been in love before and lied about addiction. It follows and ruins the relationship. I didn't know it at the time, but I needed Jesus.

I was once an addict. I found Jesus and prayed for deliverance. The odds were horribly against me. I was able to quit immediately -- cold turkey without withdrawal symptoms. In fact, I felt much better than I had ever felt. Jesus is the only way.

But you know whats way cooler? I get to be a living testament to the power of Jesus Christ and I am able to share my story. I have had many privileges to share this story with fellow strangers who suffer and pray with them. I wouldn't trade my story for any other. Jesus Christ loves you and wants to remove addiction from anybody's life. The best part is when people accept the opportunity and God changes their life forever!

 

[tourist]

Thoughts, in no particular order:

1. Yay another seoulsearch thread! Seoulsearch writes the best most thought provoking threads.

She certainly does.

 

[Lynx]

I'm big on watching people around me, mostly to see what they try and how it works out for them. That way I don't have to make all the mistakes myself to figure out what works.

I have NEVER seen anybody get married and have ANY problems magically vanish. Never. Not one single person's one single problem.

It does often polarize the situation though. The spouse will either decide to live with the problem or give the person an ultimatum: "Shape up or ship out!" When the spouse chooses the ultimatum route, the person with the problem can either start working on the problem or... well... ship out, and develop a "man, that person was just waaaaaay too demanding!" attitude.

So yeah, I gotta say marriage is a really good thing. It can bring a lot of hidden problems to light, for a person to deal with or at least for those around the person to see.

 

[seoulsearch]

Finding the love of your life wouldn't be a cure all, but would be a big help and support in decreasing depression, addictions, etc.

God is really the only cure all. But if you find the right Christian mate then it would add to your support system.

I have known of many people who have overcome addictions and other issues by finding the right Christian partner.

I have no doubts that in some cases, the right Christian partner is a wonderful asset and could help a person get better.

In my own experience though (and I'm certainly not saying it counts more than anyone else's, just food for thought,) I have been surrounded by people who took on relationships in which they thought they could "help" or "love" the other person well, and it was a disaster.

I also think that with all the fictionalized dramas we see in entertainment (including Christian movies and TV, where God always seems to come through with some kind of one-in-a-million breakthrough,) many people tend to gloss over the bad and concentrate on the happy couple singing joyfully at church during the final shot.

I once knew a pastor who had a lifelong battle with alcohol, and one of the things he put his wife through was smashing a mirror in a drunken rage and then gashing his wrists with the broken shards. Imagine being his wife and having to try to nurse him through all of these episodes (as they happened regularly) for several decades while basically raising your children as a single parent, because he obviously can't help out. (And this is not to put everything on the men -- I've known several men with addicted wives as well.)

But when we think about romantic love, we're not thinking about this. We're eagerly romanticizing the good times and how much a partner can "help" us, rather than the utter hell that is going to break loose along the way.

My own experience in a relationship with an alcoholic resulted in him becoming much, much worse, because help only enabled him, allowing him to nurse his addictions all the more. When I met him, he was working full time, but as I did more and more, he eventually quit working altogether to take up drinking full time instead. The babysitter would call me and tell me to pick up his kids because he had called her in the midst of as slurring stupor. He wound up in the hospital because he was taking over the counter drugs (like sleeping pills,) while washing them down with two pints of alcohol. Every single day.

This thread is for the sharing of experiences in the hopes that we can all learn and grow.

As for myself, I have only seemed to find a lot more of the same -- men who are attracted to me because I'm not a drinker, I don't smoke, and I've never touched drugs (out of fear, not self-righteousness,) and so they think, "Ah, a clean Christian girl. She'll be perfect to take care of me and help support me with my issues."

Oh, I wind up supporting them all right. You'd think I would have learned my lesson after I paid for his babysitting costs and a first and second round of legal bills that were all being caused by his drinking. I just thank God I didn't marry him (because he was asking) so that I could get out of that relationship (but nearly needed a restraining order to do so, as he kept showing up everywhere I was.)

I have nothing but admiration for those who feel they can take on such weighty problems -- God bless them, because He knows they are going to need it -- but as for myself, if given a choice, I will always opt for a lonely but quiet space of my own rather than an avalanche of someone else's issues that they have not dealt with in addition to the things I'm fighting within myself.

(Which brings us to another topic for another time -- the issues we deal with ourselves and how much should we expect a partner to shoulder from us.)

 

[Runningman]

Hey Everyone,

This thread is inspired by another ongoing thread here, but the topic comes up frequently here in Singles.

Many singles think that whatever they're struggling with will get better or even disappear altogether "if only" they found their "one true love," their "soul mate," their absolute dream person from God who is going to be the total game changer -- or so they think.

Now, I am definitely not trying to say that this can't or doesn't happen.

I'm just interested in what others have observed regarding this topic. If you think about the people in your life -- it could be you, a friend, a relative, a parent, a step-parent, a church member, a co-worker -- have any of them believed that a Godly, loving relationship or marriage would make all their issues get better or go away? So what actually happened when they did find love?

Don't limit the list of possible problems to the ones in just the title -- it could be video games, food, loneliness, insecurities, addiction to work -- anything that is interfering with your life, is causing you distress, or is causing you to live a lesser quality of life because of your inability to resist or avoid the issue, whatever it may be. It could be something you once chose on your own, or something you had no power against but yet you have to deal with it now on a regular basis.

Most Christian singles seem to believe that a Christ-centered marriage will conquer everything. But what have you actually experienced and observed in your everyday life? One thing that always perplexes me is how far reality can be from our ideals, and we often find this out much too late. What can we do to prevent this?

*Of the people you can think of who thought a romantic relationship would improve their state -- did things get better, worse, or stay the same?

* Why do you think that is, especially if both people involved were Christians?

Please note that I see this question as having no "right" or "wrong" answers -- the only thing I'm really after is how people's realities have played out vs. the ideals they once held (and acted upon.)

I have included an anonymous, multiple-choice poll because I'm really interested in hearing people's thoughts and observations about this. And if there is enough interest, I may repeat this thread and poll in the Family Forum in order to get answers from our married friends who can speak from experience.

Thank you for sharing your dose of reality with us today!

Those are some great questions. I have found that within the past month I have been asking myself these sorts of questions, too, so maybe we're onto something here.

What I've come to realize is that the right romantic prospective can cure a variety of pre-existing conditions. What I've observed is that a person can become a reason for genuine change, if they are the right one. There's something life-changing about finding a highly compatible romantic partner.

I think the right person can motivate someone to clean up a bit, realize their potential, and find gratitude where there was none before.

I think this new mindset can ease the burden of having eyes that wonder to and from potential mates, become a reason to clean up self image more, and cure the depression/anxiety that results from not knowing if the right person for you even exists at all.

When you find the right person it can be encouraging because many vices are actually crutches used to feel a little better. These crutches sometimes find their root cause in loneliness and that's what is spawning the depression and anxiety.

Finding romantic love resolves the loneliness problem and, therefore, cures a variety of other issues as long as nothing changes. I think people have an intense honeymoon period prior to becoming a bit desensitized.

So, atleast initially, I think romance can cure problems with the possibility of being a permanent cure.

 

[GaryA]

Finding the love of your life wouldn't be a cure all, but would be a big help and support in decreasing depression, addictions, etc.

God is really the only cure all. But if you find the right Christian mate then it would add to your support system.

I have known of many people who have overcome addictions and other issues by finding the right Christian partner.

I agree. Having a spouse is not a cure for anything in particular; however, (I believe) "the right spouse" could/would provide a means of adding a good measure of encouragement and accountability in a way that cannot be had in any other way.

I'm not saying that non-marital relationships cannot provide a measure of encouragement and accountability - they can - it just seems that a good relationship with a compatible companion would provide for those things in the best possible way.

Of course, it depends on the circumstances of the situation. In some cases, a simple-but-good dose of reality - not a spouse - is what is needed and required.

Getting married is never the right answer to solving problems. Instead, getting married is for having a close trusted companion to share life with - encouraging each other to enjoy the "highs" of life - together - and, to work through the "lows" of life - together.

The difference between being single and being married is the "built-in" support system that exists in marriage that cannot be had - to the same degree and extent - as when you are single.

 

[GaryA]

I have no doubts that in some cases, the right Christian partner is a wonderful asset and could help a person get better.

In my own experience though (and I'm certainly not saying it counts more than anyone else's, just food for thought,) I have been surrounded by people who took on relationships in which they thought they could "help" or "love" the other person well, and it was a disaster.

I also think that with all the fictionalized dramas we see in entertainment (including Christian movies and TV, where God always seems to come through with some kind of one-in-a-million breakthrough,) many people tend to gloss over the bad and concentrate on the happy couple singing joyfully at church during the final shot.

I once knew a pastor who had a lifelong battle with alcohol, and one of the things he put his wife through was smashing a mirror in a drunken rage and then gashing his wrists with the broken shards. Imagine being his wife and having to try to nurse him through all of these episodes (as they happened regularly) for several decades while basically raising your children as a single parent, because he obviously can't help out. (And this is not to put everything on the men -- I've known several men with addicted wives as well.)

But when we think about romantic love, we're not thinking about this. We're eagerly romanticizing the good times and how much a partner can "help" us, rather than the utter hell that is going to break loose along the way.

My own experience in a relationship with an alcoholic resulted in him becoming much, much worse, because help only enabled him, allowing him to nurse his addictions all the more. When I met him, he was working full time, but as I did more and more, he eventually quit working altogether to take up drinking full time instead. The babysitter would call me and tell me to pick up his kids because he had called her in the midst of as slurring stupor. He wound up in the hospital because he was taking over the counter drugs (like sleeping pills,) while washing them down with two pints of alcohol. Every single day.

This thread is for the sharing of experiences in the hopes that we can all learn and grow.

As for myself, I have only seemed to find a lot more of the same -- men who are attracted to me because I'm not a drinker, I don't smoke, and I've never touched drugs (out of fear, not self-righteousness,) and so they think, "Ah, a clean Christian girl. She'll be perfect to take care of me and help support me with my issues."

Oh, I wind up supporting them all right. You'd think I would have learned my lesson after I paid for his babysitting costs and a first and second round of legal bills that were all being caused by his drinking. I just thank God I didn't marry him (because he was asking) so that I could get out of that relationship (but nearly needed a restraining order to do so, as he kept showing up everywhere I was.)

I have nothing but admiration for those who feel they can take on such weighty problems -- God bless them, because He knows they are going to need it -- but as for myself, if given a choice, I will always opt for a lonely but quiet space of my own rather than an avalanche of someone else's issues that they have not dealt with in addition to the things I'm fighting within myself.

(Which brings us to another topic for another time -- the issues we deal with ourselves and how much should we expect a partner to shoulder from us.)

It should be needless to say that - when it comes to certain [very serious] problems - a person who is not married should resolve the problem before seeking marriage.

A drug-addict (among other things) does not need to get married and bring their problem into the marriage. If the person with the problem truly loves the one they would marry, they should not want to burden the one they love with that problem.

Of course, the point I am making here is about seeking marriage as opposed to whether having a spouse would help them with their problem.

The idea being - no one should seek to be married for the purpose of having someone to help them with their problem.

 

[GaryA]

Those are some great questions. I have found that within the past month I have been asking myself these sorts of questions, too, so maybe we're onto something here.

What I've come to realize is that the right romantic prospective can cure a variety of pre-existing conditions. What I've observed is that a person can become a reason for genuine change, if they are the right one. There's something life-changing about finding a highly compatible romantic partner.

I think the right person can motivate someone to clean up a bit, realize their potential, and find gratitude where there was none before.

I think this new mindset can ease the burden of having eyes that wonder to and from potential mates, become a reason to clean up self image more, and cure the depression/anxiety that results from not knowing if the right person for you even exists at all.

When you find the right person it can be encouraging because many vices are actually crutches used to feel a little better. These crutches sometimes find their root cause in loneliness and that's what is spawning the depression and anxiety.

Finding romantic love resolves the loneliness problem and, therefore, cures a variety of other issues as long as nothing changes. I think people have an intense honeymoon period prior to becoming a bit desensitized.

So, atleast initially, I think romance can cure problems with the possibility of being a permanent cure.

I agree. If the core of the problem is loneliness, resolving the loneliness by having a close companion could certainly make a most positive change/difference.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

I think romantic love can "cure" loneliness issues (if both people are compatible and on the same page), however I do not think it can cure certain deep issues such as depression (unrelated to loneliness), sex addiction, laziness, etc. I think in a marriage a couple can help each other with such issues, but ultimately it comes down to the person's own responsibility. We must also consider the emotions endured and the sacrifices the helping partner makes, he/she may be better off alone but it is because of love and commitment he/she stays with that person.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

We must also consider the emotions endured and the sacrifices the helping partner makes, he/she may be better off alone but it is because of love and commitment he/she stays with that person.

In some of the daytime legal shows, the judge tells unmarried couples who have issues but are about to get married, that they don't have to get married but that they can still help and love that person outside of marriage. I think it is important to remember this for unmarried couples who may feel pressure to get married to someone who has some issues (because they love that person), that it is possible to care for someone outside of marriage and that marriage isn't the only venue to love or care/help someone.

 

[kinda]

I think it's very possible that marriage causes, Depression, Alcoholism/Drugs, Porn/Sex (Put Your Vice Here) Addiction. Disagree?

Also, just read a study that shows 10-20% of marriages have no sex in them. Another reason to avoid marriage on top of many others.

I think a small group of close friends, is more important than wedding bells. People don't understand marriage and the more I understand it, the less desirable it is.

 

[Lanolin]

um no I have never ever heard of that strange belief before.

Even as a christian I have not heard of that.

People that are afflicted need delieverance, not romantic love. Thats just weird. Jesus said he would bind up the strong man, cast demons out and set the captive free, not 'romantically love' them.

Othwerise everyone would be going to Dr Love and romancing their physican/therapist which while it can happen is not advisable as they have many other patients to see not just one. Lol

 

[Lanolin]

I dont know the (put your vice here) is implying of people who respond to your post seoul. lol

I will say so that the women who read romance novels are looking for escape not a cure. And men generally dont read romance novels. If they do come in and buy them they will say its for their sister.
If a guy is reading a novel there might be SOME romance in it but there has to be some violence or maybe a murder to spice it up, men just wont read straight romance. Romeo and Juliet is acceptable, but Mills and Boon is not.

 

[cinder]

I think it's very possible that marriage causes, Depression, Alcoholism/Drugs, Porn/Sex (Put Your Vice Here) Addiction. Disagree?

Also, just read a study that shows 10-20% of marriages have no sex in them. Another reason to avoid marriage on top of many others.

I think a small group of close friends, is more important than wedding bells. People don't understand marriage and the more I understand it, the less desirable it is.

I think it possible that unmet expectations in a marriage can be the impetus for those things (because many people find that married life isn't as idealized and romantic as all those movies (that often end with a wedding) make it look); I don't think we can place the blame on marriage itself though. Who you choose to marry (or avoid marrying) is a far bigger factor in how your marriage (or lack thereof) affects you than the actual fact of marriage itself.

But I'll agree that a group of close friends is great. The usually don't get jealous if you want to add another person and don't try to come on to you.

 

[Kireina]

Hmmm...If you are in a stable and loving relationship it does help improve our well being ...🤔 it makes you feel good inside but I totally agree that only God can heal all wounds... 😇 If you expect the other person or the relationship to heal whatever you are struggling with...you will only end up feeling disappointed...because in every relationship there are times that we need to compromise and sacrifice for the person we love...


Yep,sacrificing for the sake of another....sacrificing your comfort...your time...yourself(your "me" "me" thinking) ,your space and a lot more lol... so it is not easy,you know...it won't be so smooth... so expecting too much from the relationship to cure you will just disappoint you really hard...not only that your high expectations will also hurt the relationship and will probably the reason that your relationship won't last very long...😥