I had a lot of issues growing up with my mental health when I was a child. I had to put things in certain ways otherwise thoughts came into my head that something bad would happen to my family and it would be all my fault. I was detached at school and used to think what I had done to deserve the illness I had and I just couldn't seem to fit in.
I grew up a rebel of a teenager disrespecting my parents, drinking, taking drugs when clubbing, I also had 2 abortions when I was younger which I truly regret now.
I met a man in my mid 20's, he was nice at first, we got married then the abuse started. I wasn't easy to live with to be honest but he wasn't a very nice person. He was abusive. We had children and I was a great mother at first but the atmosphere in the house with my husband was awful. He didn't help that much with the children at all. There were domestic incidents with him. I found out one day when I was pregnant with my third child that the police had been looking for my ex husband for 10 years as he was accused of sexually abusing children. He convinced me that he didn't do it and I stuck by the monster for a while I just felt so low and controlled, he kept saying he would get the kids taken off me. How could I have done this how could I have stuck by him??? I did eventually leave him before his court case and luckily he was convicted. I was left with scars so emotionally deep from everything that I started drinking more and more and neglected the emotional needs of my children. I was drunk every night selfishly trying to block the pain out I was horrible and have scarred my amazing children in the process. They don't deserve a mother like me.
I then went on to meet an amazing man who took me, my problems and my children on. I was still drinking though, I couldn't face the person I was so I drowned myself in drink. I even drank when I was pregnant with my fourth child. I'm so so selfish. I got so drunk on occasion that I used to go out and cheated on my amazing partner. I had that much drink I didnt know what I was doing and the guilt after was immense, still is. I am so so evil for hurting my family like this. I remember when my lovely nanna was dying and myself and my mum and sister stayed with her with hardly any sleep for 7 days. I had evil thoughts about my nan on her deathbed with my thoughts calling her names. They were unwanted thoughts but I cannot forgive myself for this either. I get these unwanted thoughts a lot. I have got better over the years and started going to church. I promised God loads of times I wouldn't drink and kept on doing it just not as much even though I know it hurt my family. I've put alcohol and myself before God and my family and it's caused so much damage. I know God has given me loads of chances but ive let him down. I had a vision a few years ago telling me I would get ill like this ans I was going to hell
My doctors think I have motor neurone disease so I'm terminal and deteriorating fast. I feel like I deserve this death, I'm not worth it. Ive not lived in Gods ways and I cannot seem to accept Jesus' forgiveness no matter how hard I try, I just feel so worthless and defeated. I have stopped drinking now but I should have done this for God and my family way before. I should have done the right thing ages ago and now it's too late.
Now my family are going to suffer even more as they will grieve for me. I want to be a good person and I want Jesus' forgiveness. I'm just a horrible horrible person. I feel so bad after everything I've done. Please forgive me Lord 💔💔💔