WOMENS' SURVEY - Why You Ended the Relationship? After a few dates or many months.

[Sculpt]

* This is a survey for women only.
What is the reason, or main reasons, you ended the (romantic) relationships you had? The last one, to three, relationships YOU ended. Even if it was only a few dates. And also relationships that were for any number of months.

PLEASE DO NOT INCLUDE CHEATING if that was the reason. If you 'suspected cheating', and it was a secondary reason, you can include that relationship. We're anonymous, so please be reasonably specific and honest; you're not going to hurt anyone's feelings here.

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WHY
If you dated these guys, they must have been "in the ballpark" at some point or level, you know, until the reason(s) you decided to end it. People can, and do, better themselves... and "you can still be yourself". Sure, we're trusting in God to guide us. But also people decide what what they need/want in a partner; and decide what they're willing to give up (or change) to have it. And so your honest answers may help men understand why women end relationships, and if possible, they can better themselves or adjust to be someone you'd stay with.

In the last 6 months I dated two women who got very close and then abruptly ended the relationship, and their reasons why were either dishonest or incomprehensible. In my experience women get 'weirded out' when they end a relationship, that is, they're unwilling to say the truth. So let this be cathartic too.

 

[TenderHeart]

My picker is wrong due to my covert narcissist father.
The men I picked in the past were not humble/Did not understand how much work it takes from both people to have a successful relationship.

I backed away from dating a year ago after my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The guy I was dating at the time was incredibly selfish. I’m glad I broke it off so that I could focus on my family. I don’t miss dating at all. Now that I’m born again, I really do not see myself dating… Ever again.
I feel like a complete and total alien, but since I’ve gotten really close with God, I’m totally OK with it. He loves me just as I am. I don’t need to prove myself to any human, it’s a relief 🕊

 

[Sculpt]

My picker is wrong due to my covert narcissist father.
The men I picked in the past were not humble/Did not understand how much work it takes from both people to have a successful relationship.

I backed away from dating a year ago after my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The guy I was dating at the time was incredibly selfish. I’m glad I broke it off so that I could focus on my family. I don’t miss dating at all. Now that I’m born again, I really do not see myself dating… Ever again.
I feel like a complete and total alien, but since I’ve gotten really close with God, I’m totally OK with it. He loves me just as I am. I don’t need to prove myself to any human, it’s a relief 🕊

You broke it off with him because he was incredibly selfish. Can you give a few examples that really got to you?

The reason I ask is for my learning. I really don't think I was selfish towards the women who broke up with me... you know, besides the fact that we are all imperfect and surely we are all selfish to an extent. I'm sure there are a few people who are incredibly selfish and know they are being selfish. But I imagine most people who would be described as incredibly selfish are mostly blind to their own selfishness, cause they are a combination of immature and self-deceiving.

 

[TenderHeart]

You broke it off with him because he was incredibly selfish. Can you give a few examples that really got to you?

The reason I ask is for my learning. I really don't think I was selfish towards the women who broke up with me... you know, besides the fact that we are all imperfect and surely we are all selfish to an extent. I'm sure there are a few people who are incredibly selfish and know they are being selfish. But I imagine most people who would be described as incredibly selfish are mostly blind to their own selfishness, cause they are a combination of immature and self-deceiving.

He cared more about his own lust than my broken heart 💔 that my Mom was diagnosed. And I told him that. I’m very upfront.

Selfish.

 

[cinder]

In the last 6 months I dated two women who got very close and then abruptly ended the relationship, and their reasons why were either dishonest or incomprehensible. In my experience women get 'weirded out' when they end a relationship, that is, they're unwilling to say the truth. So let this be cathartic too.

Statistically speaking women tend to be more polite and agreeable than men and don't want to hurt your feelings when they break up with you; so I imagine it's possible that these particular women fell somewhere between would feel like horrible people if they told you the truth and didn't want to make the breakup worse by making you feel it was somehow your fault. Does anyone really want to hear a recitation of their faults as justification for why someone else is rejecting them?

But a zillion women telling you why they broke up with someone else, may well not give you much insight into why these women broke up with you. And a lot of their reasons: guy was cheater, violent, dishonest, untrustworthy etc may well not apply to you (and a lot of people they do apply to would either think that they didn't apply or that somehow its unfair for women to not be willing to put up with their problems for the sake of love (granted there are women like this or with similar major issues that don't think their issues should be issues as well)).

I can only hope that if I ever end up in a relationship that needs to end, I'll have the courage and wisdom to say just enough to end it cleanly and clearly as soon as i'm sure it needs to end. And yeah I'm probably going to be one of those that it seems like it came out of nowhere, but I really will have been thinking about it for a while and just not sure how to start the discussion (or I subtly tried to start that discussion and got shot down and realized that we couldn't actually have important discussions).

 

[Sculpt]

I backed away from dating a year ago after my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The guy I was dating at the time was incredibly selfish. I’m glad I broke it off so that I could focus on my family. I don’t miss dating at all. Now that I’m born again, I really do not see myself dating… Ever again.
I feel like a complete and total alien, but since I’ve gotten really close with God, I’m totally OK with it. He loves me just as I am. I don’t need to prove myself to any human, it’s a relief 🕊

I should react to this. Yes, we care what God thinks of us most of all. When you say, "I don't need to prove myself to any human", I think I know what you mean. Yes, people can't sanctify or forgive you, only God can. And we don't have to be accepted by people to be accepted by God...

However, I should note the Bible also tells us we should care about our reputation and what people see in us. Paul talks about people giving glory to God because of the good works we do (Romans). This is pleasing to God. People are often lead to Christ because they see the love of God in your actions.

Proverbs 22:1 A good name is to be more desired than great wealth, Favor is better than silver and gold.

Romans 1:8 First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all, because your faith is being proclaimed throughout the whole world.

Romans 15 - 7Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring glory to God. 8For I tell you that Christ has become a servant of the circumcised on behalf of God’s truth, to confirm the promises made to the patriarchs, 9so that the Gentiles may glorify God for His mercy.

17Therefore I exult in Christ Jesus in my service to God. 18I will not presume to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me in leading the Gentiles to obedience by word and deed.


Sometimes we are rejected for good reasons. I tried to make clear I'm not suggesting anyone change in bad way to be accepted by a partner. On the contrary, for instance being less selfish, which is loving, makes us more compatible and united, and enables us to do more good things together.

 

[Sculpt]

Statistically speaking women tend to be more polite and agreeable than men and don't want to hurt your feelings when they break up with you; so I imagine it's possible that these particular women fell somewhere between would feel like horrible people if they told you the truth and didn't want to make the breakup worse by making you feel it was somehow your fault. Does anyone really want to hear a recitation of their faults as justification for why someone else is rejecting them?

Yes! There absolutely are people (like myself) who want to know why a romantic interest is ending the relationship (the reasons may or may not be entirely because they are rejecting me) even if it comes in the form of 'a recitation of their faults". I specifically asked them to tell me the truth. And that I always value and choose truth over any pain it may cause me. Pain caused by truth often refines you. It's my choice to ask for the truth.

You know what made me feel worse? Not knowing why. And thinking about why. Knowing the only person who has the truth to satisfy my curiosity won't tell me because... it's more likely they are being selfish, they don't want to feel uncomfortable, even when you ask them to tell you the truth. It takes compassion and courage to tell them the truth.

But a zillion women telling you why they broke up with someone else, may well not give you much insight into why these women broke up with you. And a lot of their reasons: guy was cheater, violent, dishonest, untrustworthy etc may well not apply to you (and a lot of people they do apply to would either think that they didn't apply or that somehow its unfair for women to not be willing to put up with their problems for the sake of love (granted there are women like this or with similar major issues that don't think their issues should be issues as well)).

If I have no faith... sure, it's logical most answers won't apply to me. But I believe God can inspire and I may hear from some women who are willing to be compassionate and courageous, and I may hear what I need to know.

I can only hope that if I ever end up in a relationship that needs to end, I'll have the courage and wisdom to say just enough to end it cleanly and clearly as soon as i'm sure it needs to end. And yeah I'm probably going to be one of those that it seems like it came out of nowhere, but I really will have been thinking about it for a while and just not sure how to start the discussion (or I subtly tried to start that discussion and got shot down and realized that we couldn't actually have important discussions).

I'm assuming they were thinking about it for awhile. I realize not everyone is the right match. I accept that. However, any wise professional relationship counselor will tell you that couples need to tell each other what's good and what's wrong all along the way. Maybe you heard something that wasn't true. Maybe you misconstrued something they said or did. Talk about it. If couples are communicating properly, being honest and forthcoming then ending a relationship won't seem like it's coming out of nowhere.

When ending a relationship, it's good and wise to only say what's necessary. But if they ask you and tell you they value the truth, want to learn from this experience, accept any pain as due course, declare they are wise enough to take what you say with the due balance it deserves... then have the compassion and courage to tell them the truth.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

This kind of reeks of "I've been dumped, but I'm so wonderful I can't fathom why". You may learn some things but no one here can tell you anything specific about your circumstances.

Also because you didn't like or understand the reasons the women gave doesn't make them not true.

Communication is important, but still not a guarantee. Perhaps some people aren't willing, or don't place enough value on the relationship, to endure the problems they see and don't feel the need to communicate about it. Communication only works when both people are invested enough in the relationship to Want to fix it or keep it.

 

[TenderHeart]

I should react to this. Yes, we care what God thinks of us most of all. When you say, "I don't need to prove myself to any human", I think I know what you mean. Yes, people can't sanctify or forgive you, only God can. And we don't have to be accepted by people to be accepted by God...

However, I should note the Bible also tells us we should care about our reputation and what people see in us. Paul talks about people giving glory to God because of the good works we do (Romans). This is pleasing to God. People are often lead to Christ because they see the love of God in your actions.

Proverbs 22:1 A good name is to be more desired than great wealth, Favor is better than silver and gold.

Romans 1:8 First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all, because your faith is being proclaimed throughout the whole world.

Romans 15 - 7Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring glory to God. 8For I tell you that Christ has become a servant of the circumcised on behalf of God’s truth, to confirm the promises made to the patriarchs, 9so that the Gentiles may glorify God for His mercy.

17Therefore I exult in Christ Jesus in my service to God. 18I will not presume to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me in leading the Gentiles to obedience by word and deed.


Sometimes we are rejected for good reasons. I tried to make clear I'm not suggesting anyone change in bad way to be accepted by a partner. On the contrary, for instance being less selfish, which is loving, makes us more compatible and united, and enables us to do more good things together.

I get what you’re saying but it’s not in context to what I was saying. The dating world is full of men who expect women to cater to their egos and not to their hearts. I refuse. I worship and obey the Lord. I repent for my sins daily with tears and prayers. I no longer cater to the opinions of humans. I act correctly under the Lord and when I don’t, I apologize to Jesus Christ directly. God bless

 

[Lanolin]

just wondering why not including cheating.
That is probably the main reason why someone will not continue on with someone else.

The other reason may be the person is an addict eg doing drugs and alcohol and they need to concentrate on getting better/healthy rather than have a relationship.

For women arent a punchng bag or drug mule, or an excuse to continue on getting high with.
defintiely those men know why and will be told to get their act together before they see anybody else either.

I think for some where there arent any ' romantic' feelings are just that there isnt anything that you have in common eg they always seem to want to do things that you arent really interested in, and they dont want to do anything with you that you are interested in.

or they are athiest. Of course you might not know someones true beliefs when you first go out with someone. But if they are vocal about this and make it known, then a christian woman wouldnt continue on, because if someone hates Jesus that would totally incompatible! Or worse, agnostic and they just dont care about spiritual matters.

 

[Sculpt]

This kind of reeks of "I've been dumped, but I'm so wonderful I can't fathom why". You may learn some things but no one here can tell you anything specific about your circumstances.

Also because you didn't like or understand the reasons the women gave doesn't make them not true.

Communication is important, but still not a guarantee. Perhaps some people aren't willing, or don't place enough value on the relationship, to endure the problems they see and don't feel the need to communicate about it. Communication only works when both people are invested enough in the relationship to Want to fix it or keep it.

This thread reads "Womens' survey", SubH. I'm looking for input from women.

You've just stated the obvious (with the caveat I don't think "I'm so wonderful", as those people have no interest in improving). I already knew all that. I'm pleased to meet you, SubH. Look forward to discussions with you in other threads.

 

[Sculpt]

just wondering why not including cheating.
That is probably the main reason why someone will not continue on with someone else.

The other reason may be the person is an addict eg doing drugs and alcohol and they need to concentrate on getting better/healthy rather than have a relationship.

For women arent a punchng bag or drug mule, or an excuse to continue on getting high with.
defintiely those men know why and will be told to get their act together before they see anybody else either.

Thank you, Lanolin! I was hoping to hear from you. I've appreciated other posts you've made.

I wrote not to include cheating for two reasons: One, cheating is an obvious reason a woman is going to breakup with a man; so I'm not going to gain any insight from that. Two, I don't cheat. If I agree to be exclusive, Glory be to God, I'm some combination of not particularly tempted to cheat, too empathetic to hurt someone, I extremely value a committed/marriage relationship, and am naturally loyal.

I might have also wrote to not include addiction or violence. Those are also obvious ones that don't apply to me.

I think for some where there arent any ' romantic' feelings are just that there isnt anything that you have in common eg they always seem to want to do things that you arent really interested in, and they dont want to do anything with you that you are interested in.

or they are athiest. Of course you might not know someones true beliefs when you first go out with someone. But if they are vocal about this and make it known, then a christian woman wouldnt continue on, because if someone hates Jesus that would totally incompatible! Or worse, agnostic and they just dont care about spiritual matters.

Now we're getting somewhere. My last two breakups certainly may have been a lack of romantic feelings; and you've reminded me those feelings are probably linked to common interests. The woman I'll call Daisey expressed no interest in what I wanted to do. I slowly discovered she was a narcissist. We did what we were both interested in, but it was narrow.

The second gal I'll call Moon, believed in Christ in a new age way. It took many discussions to see where she was, and she didn't believe Christ rose from the grave. We knew we had serious theology to settle. But it also goes back to interests. She was deep into occult, parapsychology, interdimensional/spiritual 'principalities of power' matters. I knew quite a bit about these subjects, and we enjoyed discussing them. I had to be sure she was capable of talking about other things, and if she was sane. I steered the conversation to who she and I were, and finding other common interests. We laughed and connected in those areas, but maybe it just wasn't enough occult for her. I made it a point to learn a lot, and I articulated the knowledge, reasons and faith I held. It was probably an unwise relationship, but hopefully beneficial.

So this threads survey question: Lanolin, if you ever ended a relationship, what were the reasons for the last two you ended?
.
.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

This thread reads "Womens' survey", SubH. I'm looking for input from women.

You've just stated the obvious (with the caveat I don't think "I'm so wonderful", as those people have no interest in improving). I already knew all that. I'm pleased to meet you, SubH. Look forward to discussions with you in other threads.

Well it's pretty rare on this forum that saying "X gender only respond" is followed through. It's an open forum.
What's obvious to some isn't always obvious to all.
Men have experiences with women that give insight as well. Limiting what you're able to learn means you learn that much less.

 

[cinder]

Thank you, Lanolin! I was hoping to hear from you. I've appreciated other posts you've made.

I wrote not to include cheating for two reasons: One, cheating is an obvious reason a woman is going to breakup with a man; so I'm not going to gain any insight from that. Two, I don't cheat. If I agree to be exclusive, Glory be to God, I'm some combination of not particularly tempted to cheat, too empathetic to hurt someone, I extremely value a committed/marriage relationship, and am naturally loyal.

I might have also wrote to not include addiction or violence. Those are also obvious ones that don't apply to me.


Now we're getting somewhere. My last two breakups certainly may have been a lack of romantic feelings; and you've reminded me those feelings are probably linked to common interests. The woman I'll call Daisey expressed no interest in what I wanted to do. I slowly discovered she was a narcissist. We did what we were both interested in, but it was narrow.

The second gal I'll call Moon, believed in Christ in a new age way. It took many discussions to see where she was, and she didn't believe Christ rose from the grave. We knew we had serious theology to settle. But it also goes back to interests. She was deep into occult, parapsychology, interdimensional/spiritual 'principalities of power' matters. I knew quite a bit about these subjects, and we enjoyed discussing them. I had to be sure she was capable of talking about other things, and if she was sane. I steered the conversation to who she and I were, and finding other common interests. We laughed and connected in those areas, but maybe it just wasn't enough occult for her. I made it a point to learn a lot, and I articulated the knowledge, reasons and faith I held. It was probably an unwise relationship, but hopefully beneficial.

So this threads survey question: Lanolin, if you ever ended a relationship, what were the reasons for the last two you ended?
.
.

So one woman was a narcissist and the other was into all kinds of Biblically forbidden spiritual practices .... sounds like you dodged a couple of bullets. That's a thank God and move along situation right there.

 

[TenderHeart]

Am

So one woman was a narcissist and the other was into all kinds of Biblically forbidden spiritual practices .... sounds like you dodged a couple of bullets. That's a thank God and move along situation right there.

Amen! God’s rejection is protection.

 

[Lanolin]

Thank you, Lanolin! I was hoping to hear from you. I've appreciated other posts you've made.

I wrote not to include cheating for two reasons: One, cheating is an obvious reason a woman is going to breakup with a man; so I'm not going to gain any insight from that. Two, I don't cheat. If I agree to be exclusive, Glory be to God, I'm some combination of not particularly tempted to cheat, too empathetic to hurt someone, I extremely value a committed/marriage relationship, and am naturally loyal.

I might have also wrote to not include addiction or violence. Those are also obvious ones that don't apply to me.


Now we're getting somewhere. My last two breakups certainly may have been a lack of romantic feelings; and you've reminded me those feelings are probably linked to common interests. The woman I'll call Daisey expressed no interest in what I wanted to do. I slowly discovered she was a narcissist. We did what we were both interested in, but it was narrow.

The second gal I'll call Moon, believed in Christ in a new age way. It took many discussions to see where she was, and she didn't believe Christ rose from the grave. We knew we had serious theology to settle. But it also goes back to interests. She was deep into occult, parapsychology, interdimensional/spiritual 'principalities of power' matters. I knew quite a bit about these subjects, and we enjoyed discussing them. I had to be sure she was capable of talking about other things, and if she was sane. I steered the conversation to who she and I were, and finding other common interests. We laughed and connected in those areas, but maybe it just wasn't enough occult for her. I made it a point to learn a lot, and I articulated the knowledge, reasons and faith I held. It was probably an unwise relationship, but hopefully beneficial.

So this threads survey question: Lanolin, if you ever ended a relationship, what were the reasons for the last two you ended?
.
.

I thought I just told you the reasons. I dont really want to go into detail!

Sometimes you happen to date someone who isnt a christian but maybe you dont find out until a couple of dates in, so I think thats sufficient reason, otherwise, its just gets awkward and uncomfortable and you cant have any meaningful conversations about life.

 

[Lanolin]

I dont think these as break ups cos going on a date doesnt mean you a couple. You just stop seeing them or answering their calls. You arent bound to them.

Or you just say I think we shouldnt see each other anymore. You dont have to say why as mostly you will know why, but you can say you just dont want to and I think most people respect that. You cant make it about the other person, its really you have to conentrate on other things or even look after yourself. If someone gets in the way of God and moves in the oppostie direction Im not going to go with that person instead of God.

 

[Sculpt]

So one woman was a narcissist and the other was into all kinds of Biblically forbidden spiritual practices .... sounds like you dodged a couple of bullets. That's a thank God and move along situation right there.

Amen! God’s rejection is protection.

Did you get a word from the Spirit that God ended it?

I agree, assuming neither of them changed, the narcissist would have been bad for me; and I would have been unequally yoked with the spiritualist. Assuming they didn't change, I don't think God wanted them for me. It's possible God ended it. But I don't know that, so I'm not going to say He did. Maybe I was supposed present God's restoring power, but I didn't do it well enough. Maybe the women ended it for reasons a christian woman would have ended it. Don't mean to look at it as a glass that's half full, but rather learn from it.

 

[Lanolin]

if a woman ended things with you dont beat yourself up about it.

They werent right for you anyway or it was just not the right time. It doesnt mean you are a horrible person. Maybe the biggest takeaway is that you learn a lot about different people!

staying faithful to one person isnt easy at the best of times, me thinks. People do change but thing is God doesnt change, Hes always going to be there. Our lives on earth are just temporary.

 

[Sculpt]

I thought I just told you the reasons. I dont really want to go into detail!

Sometimes you happen to date someone who isnt a christian but maybe you dont find out until a couple of dates in, so I think thats sufficient reason, otherwise, its just gets awkward and uncomfortable and you cant have any meaningful conversations about life.

Got ya. Sorry, the way you worded it, it sounded like you were talking about others in general.

So true, you only find out who a person is as you slowly get to know them. If they aren't really a christian, good grief, it's mind blowing, yeah, that's all you need to know.

I dont think these as break ups cos going on a date doesnt mean you a couple. You just stop seeing them or answering their calls. You arent bound to them.

Or you just say I think we shouldnt see each other anymore. You dont have to say why as mostly you will know why, but you can say you just dont want to and I think most people respect that. You cant make it about the other person, its really you have to conentrate on other things or even look after yourself. If someone gets in the way of God and moves in the oppostie direction Im not going to go with that person instead of God.

Again, so true! If someone stops seeing you, regardless of how long you were dating, or how close you got, it's always about them. It's about who they are and what they want/need. It's not about you, generally speaking.

But still, if someone stops seeing you cause of your drug use, or whatever their reason is, it's a very good time to take account of yourself. What must you correct to marry a christian?