Working on our singleness

cinder · May 16, 2020

We're all aware that marriage requires work and effort and frequent retreats and conferences (at least in most churches) to be successful at it and do it well. And I've lost count of the number of friends who have made comments about we need to work on our marriage or we're working on our marriage. And partially because I'm working my way through a great book about Christian singleness ( 7 myths about singleness by Sam Allberry) and partly because I've maybe become a bit sensitive about how singleness is viewed completely differently from marriage, I started thinking about how to say we're working on our singleness would sound really ridiculous to most people, but also that we probably do need to pay as much attention to making a success of our single lives as married people work on making a success of their marriages and married lives. So questions for discussion:

What does a successful single life look like from a Christian perspective (in terms of living life while single, not necessarily staying single for life)?

What are our unique challenges to living a successful single life?

What have you done or do you want to do to work at making your life as a Christian single more successful?

How would someone go about working on being successfully single while wanting to get married and no longer be single?

What abilities and lifeskills are worth cultivating for living a successful single life?

And since all our married friends have been single in the past, as always their perspectives are welcome. And when I have some more time and answers to such questions, I'll share my thoughts as well.

Lanolin · May 16, 2020

Great thread Cinders.
well, for those of us who are single and never married we can tell you who were married (and now divorced, separated or widowed) and not used to the single life is please dont sweat it! stop being so anxious about it!!!

Being single is about getting along with people you are not married to...which means...practically everybody!!! Sometimes you will need to partner with people and that involves relationships...working relationships, sibling relationships, family relationships like parent to offspring, aunty to neice, uncle to nephew. Friendships. Learn how to be a friend.

Being single means you are not relying on a spouse or potential spouse to be the be all and end all of everything in your life. What it means is you are relying and trusting in God. And that is the BEST relationship you can ever have.

kinda · May 16, 2020

vs

Yes, the lifestyle of the single person needs a lot of work to catch up with the married person.

cinder · May 16, 2020

All I'll say to that is that with as much cleaning as I do (or don't do as is the case here); it's a very good thing there aren't any little vulnerable people crawling around on my floor.

Magenta · May 16, 2020

cinder said:

Perhaps a slight rephrasing could correct what seems or sounds like a ridiculous idea to one that comes across as more feasible and reasonable, that being, working on one's self, because our relationship with our self is going to color and affect our relationships with others. Even to say one is working on their relationship with God would be understood as being a productive, practical, and profitable endeavor to most other Christians

BenFTW · May 16, 2020

kinda said:

It’s funny, this reality of service and hospitality, of consideration, really makes you want to step up your game now in preparation of then. I think to myself, of my future wife, that I should get in the habit of certain chores and activities. Take out the garbage, do the dishes, and so on. You see a mess, and the old self might ignore it, but then in consideration of what makes a house running smoothly, you decide to clean it even if it’s not your mess. Those extra forks. That spill. Those crumbs on the counter.

I suppose then one thing we can do, is be hospitable and ingrain in ourselves now, a work ethic of tending to what needs tending to.

cinder · May 16, 2020

My working (as in may be further worked upon) definition of a successful single life: A person has a sucessful single life to the extent they have learned to embrace their life today and live to the full, rather than waiting for the mythical someday of happily ever after to start pursuing the things they want to pursue. Such people fulfill their responsibilities, seek to contribute meaningfully to the world around them, and focus on the moments of joy in their lives. (ok so except for the part about not waiting for marriage maybe this is more just the definition of a successful life; I'd be ok with that)

Lifeskill #1 for a successful single life- Learn to be ok doing stuff alone. Sure a lot of things it's nicer to have someone with you to do it, but I'm amazed at the number of people who talk about things they would have liked to do, but there was no one available to go with them.

Lifeskill #2 - acquire some basic tools and the ability to use them. It's really limiting to have to call someone everytime you need a screw tightened or a picture hanging on a nail moved or that thing you just ordered on amazon or picked up in the store assembled.

Lifeskill #3 - Contingency planning. If you're the only responsible adult in the house, you need to know who you're going to call or how you're going to cope when life happens. How do you get to work if your car breaks down? How will you pay your bills if you lose your job? Who's going to take care of your pets (or kids for single parents) if you're incapacitated?

Lifeskill #4 - Flexibility. This balances the previous one and is something I could do better on, but if no one is counting on you keeping your plans or sticking to your mental schedule then you can change at pretty much a moment's notice if someone needs you to.

And more people better join in this discussion or it's going to be just reading a lot of me thinking out loud here.

Solemateleft · May 16, 2020

cinder said:

Okay Rookie Christian Single here, but that has never stopped me from having an opinion...

But I have had 3.23 years of preparation leading up to my singleness to try rebuild myself to reach a healthy point of departure...

While I realize this is all easier said than done, but thru my collection of self-help and rebuilding materials - I have come to see singleness as a time to invest in my personal growth rather than in other relationships... It is a period of singleness that enables you to build confidence in yourself so you can experience and enjoy being single as an acceptable life-style, not as a time to be lonely.
Albeit, I suspect that it could be easy to get stuck in ones singleness as a means to avoid another deep relationship at the risk of getting hurt - again...

I suspect that it is import to:
- see being single as an acceptable lifestyle
- the opportunity to become a whole person rather than a half person constantly looking for your lost other half.
- spend time investing in your own personal growth rather than seeking out your lost love...
- look at your friends as people you want to be with rather than as potential love partners...
- find inner peace and contentment as a single person...
- finding ones 'purpose' is key... (Steve Martin's discovered 'purpose' in "The Jerk" is probably not the right answer here)...

Now the proof is in the pudding... like I said, I suspect that it will be easier said than done...
- Getting out of my own way - and allowing HIM to work his magic - organically will be the challenge...

kinda · May 16, 2020

BenFTW said:

It’s funny, this reality of service and hospitality, of consideration, really makes you want to step up your game now in preparation of then. I think to myself, of my future wife, that I should get in the habit of certain chores and activities. Take out the garbage, do the dishes, and so on. You see a mess, and the old self might ignore it, but then in consideration of what makes a house running smoothly, you decide to clean it even if it’s not your mess. Those extra forks. That spill. Those crumbs on the counter.

I suppose then one thing we can do, is be hospitable and ingrain in ourselves now, a work ethic of tending to what needs tending to.

You have the right mind set for marriage, it's serving. I have the right mind set for staying single, it's snowboarding.

Lanolin · May 17, 2020

Gosh marriage sounds like such drudgery I am always surprised why people would even go for it. Its not fun for most women sadly and a lot of work.

Lynx · May 17, 2020

cinder said:

Success is defined by objectives and how well the objectives are being met. To determine what success is we have to first figure out what we're supposed to be doing with our single lives. My successful single life may look very different from yours... or my abject failure may look like success to you.

love_comes_softly · May 17, 2020

Lanolin said:

I’m sorry you’ve only had the experience of being around unhappily married people. Marriage is and can be a beautiful things. I’d disagree that marriage isn’t fun for most woman. Maybe for those you know, but in general, I’d say most people enjoy being married.

@cinder I think the key to working on your singleness is the same as working on your marriage. In both cases, when you’re working for God’s will in your life, you will have success. Not that it will be easy, but the Lord blesses that. It will also be a great reflection of His love in singleness or marriage.

Great thread idea!

Lanolin · May 17, 2020

love_comes_softly said:

Im also sorry that people are around unhappily single people..as actually most people, especially women, enjoy being single.

Being single is not something I would say thats hard in most respects but I suppose if you were offered marriage some people find it hard to refuse. But I do know people who have deeply regreted being married but put a brave face on it. They only got married under pressure.

in many cases they couldnt get out of the marriage and had to endure it.
when people say they work on their marriage, often they are only referring to themselves working on it which wont ever work because one person is not enough to make a marriage work, it takes two. (Or a actually three, including God)

in terms of actually WORK many times its quite unequal the workload...many wives need to do housework AND go out to work as well whereas many husbands might just work and not do much housework at all. That has been like that for so many generations....

Lanolin · May 17, 2020

although maybe its just my mum thats the workaholic. Yesterday us children tried to to stop her from going to work.

dad doesnt stop her from working but I think she doesnt know how to stop work.

The problem is when people dont see marriage as a gift and feel they have to work it, just as people dont see singleness as a gift.

A gift people, is something thats given you do not have to work to earn it. You just need to appreciate it.

Lynx · May 17, 2020

cinder said:

To me a successful life looks a lot like what I have going. I don't owe anybody any money, I have everything I need and almost everything I want and I'm happy. My objectives are providing for my needs, avoiding stress and helping those around me when it is feasible, and I'm meeting all those quite well.

Many consider my life a failure. I hired on at a fast food factory 11 years ago and I'm still doing the same job today. I don't want to become a manager and I have no desire to look for any better job because this suits me right now. According to my objectives in life, I'm a raging success. =^.^=

cinder said:

Backups totally rock. Single people need backups for all important systems. I have a backup vehicle because it is certain that my car will quit working at some point. I have a backup phone for the same reason. If either of those goes down I'll be up a creek, because I can't just borrow my wife's.

The obvious one is not having anybody to depend on. If I got sick - not a head cold or stomach bug, I mean sick enough I couldn't leave my bed - who would feed my dog? Who would pay the bills? Even if I had money saved for bills, who would get the money and make the payments? Fortunately that hasn't happened yet, but I never know when it will happen, and I have no idea what I will do then.

Another problem is mental grounding. We humans are designed to interact with other humans, and when I live alone I find my perspective on life in general starts slipping a bit. Interfacing with people on the job doesn't cut it.

cinder said:

I'm trying to be more aware of how others feel. This is where I most miss having a wife. Women are better with emotional stuff than I will ever be. But I'm doing my best to get better at it.

cinder said:

The most important thing in life is to keep living. Don't put everything on hold until someday when you find the perfect partner and you plan for the two of you to go do everything. Go try that new restaurant by yourself, go see the movie you were waiting for, learn to make that recipe even though there's only one of you to eat it - you have a freezer for the leftovers. When you find your spouse, you will have a life to share. If you put everything on hold until you find a spouse, you won't have anything to give when you meet that perfect somebody and your would-be partner will (if smart) go find somebody more interesting.

cinder said:

The basics in everything essential. I don't have to be an expert chef, but I do need to be able to cook well enough to not subsist on restaurants and canned soup for the rest of my life. I don't have to know how to run a dry-cleaner but I can learn how to wash and dry my laundry.

One of the most important things to learn is how to recognize when to let an expert handle something. These days you can google up a fix for almost any problem, and a person's time can really be eaten up by "Oh I can do this myself easily!" Learn how to change the oil in your car if you want, but you'd better let the mechanic put new brake pads on it. Try different methods for unclogging the drain, but when the toilet backs up into the shower you need to pick up the phone, not the plunger. There's a lot of stuff we could do ourselves but it would take a lot of time and a lot more money than letting the experts do their jobs.

This goes double for any health problems.

17Bees · May 17, 2020

On a brighter note, I've heard it said that the old TV show called Andy of Mayberry - EVERBODY was single. Andy was single. So was Barney. Floyd the barber, Goober, Aunt Bee and Gomer, so was Betty Lou, Ellie, Ms. Crump. Matter of fact the only one married was Otis and he was the town drunk!

Lynx · May 17, 2020

Otis was not married. They specifically mentioned that. He came in singing on a weekday and they asked him why he was drunk when it wasn't the weekend. He said he was celebrating his anniversary.

"Otis you're not married."

"I know Andy, but ten years ago today I took my first drink... and I been all over it ever since!"

Lynx · May 17, 2020

Grrrr! Stoopid edit time limit... The paragraph that starts "Backups totally rock" should have been right above the paragraph about trying to get better and being aware of others' emotions.

Lynx · May 18, 2020

I will consider my life - single or eventually married - to be a success if I can follow Jim Henson's advice.

“Life's like a movie, write your own ending. Keep believing, keep pretending.”
― Jim Henson

“When I was young, my ambition was to be one of the people who made a difference in this world. My hope is to leave the world a little better for having been there. ”
― Jim Henson

LovedByMyFather · May 18, 2020

Magenta said:

I liked the title and believe if more people worked on themselves,then they would be a much better spouse when that time comes. First and foremost is our relationship with God,as you spoke about. If we truly love Him and see others through His eyes,we'll be like 1 Corinthians 13 and die to self and let love be the guiding factor. At least that's the way I see it....

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