I haven't been a good Christian that's why I'm afraid. I try to be so but I go back to sin. I also don't even know much about the gospel to spread it to others. I guess that is why I am scared of the end because I feel like I don't love God. I don't have that fervent feeling for God I guess and I dislike myself for that.
You're confused and the enemy is lying to you. None of us can be good through our own effort.
We must rely on Jesus through the power of The Holy Spirit. It's easy to become discouraged but don't be afraid!
Sometimes the valleys are low and long. You are worth a lot to The Lord. You don't have to compare yourself to others.
BTW, don't think everyone here has been so wonderfully perfect since the time we were saved. Many of us have been backsliders. If you don't know much about the gospel, then try reading it a bit more. Do you have a bible? The Holy Spirit will open your understanding.
Nothing about the Christian walk is about us. It's ALL about him. He can even use your mistakes to show you things. I don't mean that he wants you to sin or remain ignorant but he can & will meet you were you are and pull you through.